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I may have caused most of the problems in my marriage...

1K views 6 replies 7 participants last post by  Roselyn 
#1 ·
Apologies again for another thread---I guess the problem with forums is you can only give people a tiny slice of a glimpse into what your situation is and I'm hoping to shed light on a little more of it. The feedback here has been fantastic.

Well anyway, I've been married to my wife for 8 years and, I think the #1 problem we have is that I tend to lecture my wife. A lot. On a lot of issues. It's probably my worst flaw, and to be quite honest I don't know why she has put up with me all this time. I've lectured her about the driving thing, about not having a job, about working on hobbies with me, about building up her own hobbies, about sex even (I really need to stop this!).

I mean when you add it all up, I am almost certain a counselor would identify this as a sort of verbal abuse. I never swear, or even raise my voice (except on rare occasions). But, I'm certain what I've been doing hurts her, and I haven't stopped doing it.

Well I'm going to. I wish I did understand why I have always felt such a strong need to. Because I've caused so much damage I sometimes think I should run away because I don't think she sees me the same way anymore. I've asked her what it would take to heal this and I think the truth is I just need to quit with the lecturing. Permanently...

As others keenly observed in my other threads, I have huge shoes to fill. Imagine being Einstein's son. It's kinda like that (I'm not einstein's son, but my dad is pretty much like him in his own field, just not a household word like einstein). So, I probably feel like I'm not good enough, like I could never be good enough, like my job could never be good enough and maybe even that my wife could never be good enough. Which tells me, leaving my wife would not solve my problems. I'd probably do this to anybody. And, I'd probably not be able to attract a woman who is "at the level" I think I deserve, because, like I explained in other threads, I'm unpleasant in a number of ways to most normal people. I don't think I'm necessarily physically unattractive, but pasty, nerdy, thick glasses, and I do the stern lecturing thing.Plus I'm boring as hell and have very few interests. Get me talking about those interests and I'm no longer boring, but to most people, probably YAWN. Hahahaha.

Anyway, it's probably good I'm getting this out there...thanks for any and all feedback.
 
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#3 ·
I think it's good you are trying to be a better husband and overall a better person, but if you take it too far you might end up fixing something that wasn't broken to start with.

Has your wife complained about your lecturing? I just read a thread about a guy who got complains for being practical, he is an engineer. I happen to love those kinds of personalities, I always feel so lucky to have married a guy who will not hesitate to give me his opinion and suggest solutions if I ask, but I know a lot of women out there would rather a guy that will just listen while they vent.

The main issue I see is low self esteem, although you seem to realize some of your good points you have some others that are not necessarily bad yet you see them that way, this reminds me of my early teens when I used to think I was ugly and couldn't figure out why the hell I got so much attention from guys.

My mother is a beautiful woman who knows how to take care of herself and make the most of the many attributes she has... I don't look like her, but you know what? I don't need to look like her to be attractive, there are different types of beauty, so what if mom has the classic look while I am more on the exotic side? We both have great legs yet she has always envied mine.

Anyways, my point is, you are not your father, that doesn't make you any better or worse, it makes you an individual.
 
#4 · (Edited)
I reckon that you are a bit of a perfectionist and you strive for perfection in every aspect of your life.

It's not a bad thing but on the other hand there are some things that you can't change.

Also your wife maybe it's not like you , maybe she is more laid back, and without realising you want to change her. And if you would succeed in changing her that may not make you happy.

I believe that you only like the process of change and not the end result. So let her be herself because if you do she is gonna blossom next to you.

And the fact that she put up with you over the years that means she loves you .;).


Wish you all the best!:)
 
#7 · (Edited)
You need to see a psychologist so that you can be a better person overall. You are intelligent enough that you've realized that your actions are toxic to your marriage. Yes, you need to stop lecturing. You have elevated yourself above your wife and sees her as beneath you. You are destroying her self-esteem. She probably has resentments towards you but is holding back because she is totally dependent on you financially and emotionally. You are psychologically abusing your wife.

I am a university professor and surrounded by colleagues with Ph.Ds and researchers. My colleagues comprise of men and women. God help the person who will try to lecture anyone in this bunch. As we are mini-giants in our own fields, we cannot be arrogant to think that we are better than anyone else. We have to work as a departmental team. In your case, you and your wife comprise a team. You should not weaken your partner. Build your wife's self-esteem by stopping your criticisms. Praise is in order for any good work that she does so that she can achieve higher goals for herself.
 
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