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Confused by hubby's love language changes

956 views 8 replies 5 participants last post by  gouge_away 
#1 ·
I don't remember exactly the score except for the first and last but it looked something like this:
Touch-12
W.affirmation-9
Q.time-6
A.service-3
Gifts-0


We were engaged at the time, it's been about 3 years and we have a baby, now his results were this:
A.service-11
Touch-8
W.affirmation-6
Q.time-5
Gifts-0

My results were still at least in the same order, numbers might be the same as my old ones with one or two point shifting around... The only reason I asked him to do the test again was to confirm his previous score and to see if his has shifted a bit too so I could "tweak" my ways to fill up his tank...

I wonder if this is a temporary change and his true score for long term is something in the middle of the two?
 
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#2 ·
Interesting.

I think love languages can change with time and circumstances.

The big change for your husband is of course acts of service. The other languages are much less changed.

My guess is that with the arrival of the baby, either your husband feels the need for more service from you or notices that he is getting fewer. My guess would be that he is feeling a bit neglected ( very normal in the circumstances).
 
#3 · (Edited)
I see, thank you for your reply.
Acts of service was my second favorite way to show affection (after touch) when we met but after noticing it was not high on his list I figured it might be a bit annoying even, so I held back, wrong assumption?

I assumed this because he made me uncomfortable with excessive words of affirmation and was relieved he toned it down after the test.

For the record I was:
Touch-12
Q.time-8
A.service-5
Gifts-4
W.affirmation-1
 
#6 ·
Omg, I never considered he might be getting touch from baby, I guess I will have to get used to sharing lol, that is a very endearing thought :) Our baby is quite the handful so definetively service is in high demand.

I might be over analizing but statistics work for me, I need to start working on something to help make or break this marriage, figured might as well be something that makes sense to me but I am open to suggestions.
 
#8 ·
'Disclaimer' I have never read the book but had a thought

Isn't it possible that these categories and numbers would change based on what was ,at that moment ,missing in a relationship

For example physical touch I assume would include sex. Well if you have been without sex for a couple weeks would the natural tendency be that this is going to come across as really high. But if after a couple week seperation you stay up all night having sex and then took the test next morning wouldn't it naturally be lower?

Guess my point is couldn't this number constantly change and develop based on what's missing at the moment vs overall? Maybe the book or questions account for that but just an observation.
 
#9 · (Edited)
Yes their is some variance, however some things like gifts don't change as much because they are learned from family early on.

I imagine physical touch and acts of service have some variance. Physical touch because it can get to a point where it is too much affection.

I always looked at it this way. Touch might be high on my list for the most part, but when I'm stressed or depressed, not so much, I like my space. In those periods I think words of affirmation are more reciprocal languages.

One of the examples for gifts was: a child's father traveled a lot and for extended periods of time. One of the ways the father showed love was by buying small gifts for the child on during his travels, this way the child knew that the father was thinking of him/her while away. As the child grew into an adult, small gifts have huge significance when it comes to expressing love, because that's how the child felt love.

That being a learned behavior, attached to a feeling, isn't likely to change.
 
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