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Losing Confidence In Wife And Our Relationship...

1K views 5 replies 6 participants last post by  pragmaster 
#1 ·
I love my wife very much but the more I process thoughts in my head and try to envision our life in the future with kids, it scares me and I lose confidence in us as a team. We are great together because in certain things we are easy going and we really don't have any major responsibilities right now, like kids, so it's very easy...we make a good team/partnership currently.

When I first met my wife I loved how positive she was, great work ethic, a great multi-tasker, very smart, and she can be strongly opinionated when she wants to be. She would be very cute, and she always has a great laugh / smile on her face...these qualities are what attracted me to her at the beginning.

However, as I got to know her better when she wants to drive a point home she can be very direct and her tone can leave me feeling annoyed because her facial expressions and the way she talks can be in a sarcastic way making me feel like I'm an idiot. She is very good in never showing this side to my family or her friends, and when she needs to be "on" for other people she will do it with a smile on her face and be that cute / nice girl. I think only her family and myself probably ever experienced this other side of her; there is nothing wrong in being strong opinionated, but her delivery at times really annoys me.

Behind closed doors, she can be more negative than positive at times. What I hate is her first reaction will be very blah, but then eventually after talking about it more she gets on board, but I hate that I have to convince her all the time. It would be great to say it once and have her react in an excited way like she would do in the beginning of the relationship. However, if we were in a front of group of people like friends and family and I said the same thing her reaction would be 100 times better and she would respond in an exciting way. I hate that I don't get that same reaction from her when it's just us and she has to be more blunt with me.

She's still a very hard worker at work and she does a great job taking care of herself in terms of health/exercising; she is probably one of the best employees at her job and does such a great job at it - this is something that I love about her.

And lately she's been saying that she's doesn't know why she's not one of those girls that is excited to have kids. And the thought of coming home and having to deal with kids is exhausting to her. She always comes home and says she's tired; a majority of the time.

I get it, her job is hectic but I know she enjoys what she does because of all the praise she gets at work. I hate that she gives so much to work and her personal well-being but when it comes to thinking about our kids and a family she just doesn't have the energy for it. It's frustrating for me to hear her talk this way and have nothing to give to our kids. She says she wants to put herself first for once and I called her "selfish" one time; which caused a fight, but I don't take it back. I feel being a good parent is being "selfless" at all times towards your kids. It's part of life, it's not easy, but it's a journey that I want to take and not be turned off so much about the negativity that she sees around it.

She would say I hate how your family takes advantage of you, I don't see it that way. I do them favors because I want to help them out and I know they would do the same in return. I know I can't compare my wife to my own family but this is me just thinking about this in the future. My mom and sisters helped me with my business for a long time in terms of running errands when I couldn't, everyday of the week, without one single complaint, and I try to picture my wife doing that with her brother and maybe she would help out for a little but I can see her complaining about this already in my head.

Another example, she definitely does a lot for her family and friends when she needs to and does it with a smile on her face. However, then when she comes home I have to hear the complaining of how she does all this for other people and gets nothing in return. When I do something for a friend/family I never think about getting anything in return or expect anything. When she says things like this it annoys me because; why do it, if you don't to it genuinely.

She always has had an issue of being put first in our relationship, in my eyes I feel like I do but in hers I don't. She has told me that growing up her family wouldn't really listen to her when she talked because she was the youngest so she always tried to grab their attention to listen to her. So now back on the kids talk, she has told me that if we would have a kid that I would put our kids first over her, and that she would feel resentment towards our kids because I would give them more attention then than that I would give her.

Again not to compare my family with her, but my mom and 2 sisters are the best of friends; they talk to each other daily and I think it's nice. My wife is very good with her mom as well but every once in the while she still gets into big arguments with her parents about stupid things; being in the mid-30s now I would think you would just appreciate the time with them and not still get into these ridiculous fights. I know everyone has different relationships with their parents but it makes me think how, if we have a daughter, their relationship would be with each other when she's older.

I don't know, just thinking about a bunch of different things here; am I thinking about this way to much and these things are ridiculous to think about?

Thank you.
 
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#3 ·
You need to see a marriage counselor. It seems that she may not want children and you do. Your goals in life may be going in different directions. In addition, there are traits in your wife that you dislike such as showing a different facade of herself in public. Address these annoyances before you stay in this marriage for too long.
 
#5 ·
I think your wife is letting you know that she does not want kids. If you want them, best to get out of the relationship or she may cave and resent you and your future kids forever. She WILL show your kids that "hidden side" (the real her.)
 
#6 ·
First off, why on earth would you want kids? Start with a dog or a cat lol.

Yeah it sounds like she doesn't want them. People change. Maybe once upon a time she did but now things are different. Try not to judge her and try to listen what she is saying.

I know myself and my ex wanted some, but man the first week we lived in our first house we were overwhelmed with responsibilities. She panicked, although she sees it differently.

Never force anybody into a box or they will explode out.
 
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