Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Relationships, abuse, happiness

2K views 21 replies 9 participants last post by  EnigmaGirl 
#1 ·
#2 ·
Good article.

I comment to my husband all the time about how every man on commercials is basically made out to be a total idiot. They portray women as these superior, know-it-all, rolling-the-eyes beings who basically tolerate their idiot husbands because they're just men and don't know any better. Its pretty sickening.

I was in a furniture store a few weeks back and a guy was pointing out a couch that he liked to the woman he was with. She took one look at the couch and loudly launched into this tirade about how ugly it was and how could he be so dumb to think it would match anything in the house, etc. The poor guy looked mortified. Then she tried to make eye contact with me, like I'm gonna sympathize with her rant. I just shook my head and walked in another direction.

This trend of socialization seriously needs to stop. Its so disrespectful. And men need to stop tolerating this treatment by women. Its pretty ridiculous how often verbal abuse is overlooked just because the person doing it just happens to be female.
 
#5 ·
Good article.

I comment to my husband all the time about how every man on commercials is basically made out to be a total idiot. They portray women as these superior, know-it-all, rolling-the-eyes beings who basically tolerate their idiot husbands because they're just men and don't know any better. Its pretty sickening.

I was in a furniture store a few weeks back and a guy was pointing out a couch that he liked to the woman he was with. She took one look at the couch and loudly launched into this tirade about how ugly it was and how could he be so dumb to think it would match anything in the house, etc. The poor guy looked mortified. Then she tried to make eye contact with me, like I'm gonna sympathize with her rant. I just shook my head and walked in another direction.

This trend of socialization seriously needs to stop. Its so disrespectful. And men need to stop tolerating this treatment by women. Its pretty ridiculous how often verbal abuse is overlooked just because the person doing it just happens to be female.
I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately many of us, men, have been conditioned to accept this behavior as normal, or to keep the peace, or that we are just to "suck these things up". I was this guy once upon a time and couldn't see this attitude by my x spouse for what it was...abusive.

Life lesson learned is you can't gain respect from another by sacrificing you own self respect .
 
#4 ·
Great article richard. Thanks for sharing.

The article is very on-point, IMHO. I was married for 20 years, busy running a household, raising children, organizing our lives, and I see my "old" self throughout much of that article. Sometimes, mom's (and wives) just "think we know best."

Now that I am divorced and in a long term relationship with my SO, I have tried so hard not to repeat those dynamics in this relationship. It truly is not an admirable trait :eek:. As EnigmaGirl pointed out the guy in the furniture store, I witnessed a similar scenario in the grocery store the other day. The poor husband was getting LAMBASTED by his wife for choosing an item that HE wanted but apparently wasn't on the "list." Geez... not a pretty sight.

This paragraph in particular jumped out at me. And I can't wait for him to get home so I can give him a big hug of appreciation for all he does (that I can't do!):

He knows how to change the oil in the car. He can re-install my computer's operating system. He lifts things for me that are too heavy and opens stuck jar lids. He shovels the sidewalk. He can put up a ceiling fan. He fixes the toilet when it won't stop running. I can't (or don't) do any of those things. And yet I give him grief about a dish out of place. He's a good man who does a lot for me, and doesn't deserve to be harassed over little things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.
 
#7 ·
Good evening all
I don't think there is a good way to deal with this as the recepient - it is basically a form of verbal abuse. Probably the best approach is to point out to the other person what is going on, and then if they don't change their behavior, leave. Often though it is so minor that it doesn't seem worth starting a big argument.

I get the impression that women do this more frequently than men do. It may be that western society in an attempt to correct for past inequalities now considers men to be fair game for abuse. I see a number of women (including my wife) making "humorous" disparaging comments about their male partners. Taken singly its fine - but all together it can form a nasty pattern.


Its tricky. I have a very thick skin - occasional insulting comments don't bother me. The problem is that they would bother my wife, so we end up with an asymmetric situation.

I'm sure she would stop saying things like that if I asked, but would she stop thinking them?

Maybe that is a good question - how often do you think your partner is acting like an idiot - even if you don't say it?
 
#8 · (Edited)
So my question is; How do men go about NOT tolerating this treatment?
Its a good question. I think the best way is put your foot down in the first place but obviously that doesn't always happen and once that communication method is a habit, its a lot harder to fix. Here's a couple of my suggestions:

1. Try stopping the conversation and simply ask if she thinks the way she's talking to you is acceptable because you don't think it is. Let her know that if she can't talk to you respectfully like you're an adult than the conversation is over. If she continues or escalates, walk away.

I think part of the problem is that when men have overbearing, nagging wives like this that they try to be quiet and tow the line. At that moment, that might seem the easiest thing to do but it sets up a very bad precedent for future incidences.

2. I'd tape a couple of incidences. Maybe if a nagging, annoying, control-freak spouse could hear their tone of voice during one of those times, would they gain some perspective about what a jerk they are. Therapists often tape sessions and have the person play the back later to see how they reacted to things.

3. Ultimately, men just have to put their foot down and simply tell women like this that their behavior isn't ok and you're not going to be in her presence or have conversations until she can learn how to act. Its up to you to determine how you're treated. Ultimately, if someone can't respect you enough to talk to you like a human being, you have to move on and find someone who's worthy of you.

No person...female or male...should tolerate verbal harassment and abuse...especially not from their spouse.
 
#9 · (Edited)
Maybe that is a good question - how often do you think your partner is acting like an idiot - even if you don't say it?
I don't think its really fair to judge anyone on skills they haven't learned or mastered in a marriage.

For instance, my husband doesn't cook. He probably could manage if I forced him to do it but its not his skill set. So if he tried to cook a meal, I could easily stand over his shoulder, point out a million things he's doing wrong, laugh at him, ridicule him and think about how idiotic he is.

Vice versa, I suck at doing electrical work around the house. My husband is excellent at building and renovating. So if I tackled an electrical project, he could stand there and tell me how stupid I am and how I'm gonna electrocute myself, etc.

But how is that fair?

Both partners have to recognize the strengths and contributions that each person brings into a relationship. If you judge someone on something they aren't good at, its easy to rip them apart.

Every marriage is different but one thing we do is stick to our strengths. We take a divide and conquer strategy because its a more efficient way for us to get things done. He does his things and I do mine. Everything he does, he's amazing at and I find it pretty easy to be grateful.
 
#11 ·
I couldn't agree more with this post. My mother embraced this idea with open arms. I watched my father being berated for doing or not doing the smallest of things that really shouldn't matter. One Christmas, he got 4 small ornaments and was forbidden from hanging then up on "my mother's" Christmas tree, the only Christmas tree in the house.

One day, he confided that it was getting very difficult to live with her which is an enormous thing for him to say to me. They've always been very close-lipped about their relationship so divulging must have meant it was getting unbearable.

It's easy to overlook this kind of treatment for what it is, but its pervasiveness shouldn't make it acceptable.
 
#12 ·
Great article. BTDT with just not doing things in order to avoid criticisms from my wife. Finally I talked to her about how it made me feel that she thinks I'm an incompetent idiot. It really doesn't matter how one loads the dishes in the dishwasher, yet she would always re-arrange after I loaded it up. Or when I was cooking she would butt in and take over. If I need help or have a question, it doesn't mean I need to be removed from the task entirely. She earned ownership of a lot of tasks simply because I got tired of being corrected or criticized and I stopped doing those tasks at all.

She responded well and has really calmed down about most things.

If it is really disrespectful or hostile, I think an immediate response is called for. Use the verbal tools from the book "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty". Use humor while fogging her "Yup, looks like I have no idea how to use a vacuum". Don't tolerate unacceptable behavior even in public.
 
#13 ·
To illustrate how you teach people how to treat you I showed Enigma girls example of the furniture girl to my GF this morning. Let her read it then I asked her if you did that to me how do you think I would have reacted. She said you would have left me in the store and after I found my own way home if I didn't apologize you would probably start moving me out. She was 100% correct. I have taught her I won't tolerate disrespect but at one point in my life being talked to like that was at minimum a weekly occurrence
Good way to handle it. I think, like you, I tolerated way too much nonsense with my ex-husband. I got married young and it took me a while to find my voice. At the end of the marriage, if he tried to criticize me, I'd just start laughing as I was leaving the room. I don't think he realized at the time that I was planning a divorce and he was helping me out by validating my decision.

Part of the problem was me not putting my foot down earlier and part of it was largely a product of who he was and how he was raised. He had a father that didn't treat his mother well either.

I definitely fixed that this time around. My husband is not only one of the kindest people I've ever met...he's easily one of the most gracious. He's always thankful whenever I do anything.

Its not that I wouldn't thank him either but its definitely easier for me to not forget when my husband is always setting the tone and reinforcing the tone of our marriage by being grateful for things I do.

She responded well and has really calmed down about most things.
I often wonder if spouses who treat the other spouse with disrespect even realize what they're doing in the moment. Then after a while, it just becomes a habit. They don't realize the damage they're doing.

Its why I suggested the tape recorder thing.

Funny enough, my oldest kid voice recorded me once when I was telling her off about something. She played it later and while my kids were cracking up, I remember being a bit horrified by how bad my nagging sounded. Although they did it as a joke, it actually helped me to improve my tone when I'm asking my girls to do something. (By the way, even though the recording is 3 years old...they still play it every once in a while and crack up...lol).
 
#16 ·
Good evening all
it can get very tricky when the comments are "humorous". You seem like a spoil-sport if you object to what was "just kidding".

I guess the warning sign (for both people) is if the "kidding" isn't symmetric in a relationship.

If my wife jokes about me doing something wrong, I'll usually suggest that she has to "hire a better class of servant".
 
#18 ·
These are the worst. My husband go so bad with those, that he was actually told, on three different occasions, by our three different male friends to cut it out and treat me better. One was actually very crude about it "You keep doing this crap and soon enough someone else will be f..ing your wife"
 
#19 ·
i think i have the answer to this. all of this talk of women nagging their husband, is really only a symptom of a bigger problem. it all boils down to one word......RESPECT.

that is the issue. when a woman respects a man, she will go along with him when HE IS WRONG...because she respects him. in the beginning of my marriage i could have told my wife the sky was pink. her response would have been something along the lines of "well i have never viewed it that way" or "it kinda does at sunset".

at the end of my marriage, i couldn't load the dishwasher properly or cook scrambled eggs.

loss of respect.

I am sure there are different reasons in each marriage for that. But i agree what has been said earlier about TV and society that have "super human-ed" woman into all knowing all powerful self righteous beings. the article even has the woman admitting that. maybe even women's rights movement played a factor. not saying this trait is unique to women as it certainly can go both ways.....but i do believe its much more common from the feminine perspective.

maybe we as men have failed standing up to our wives. the balance of power seems to have swung the other way, where 50 years ago, it was a "man's world" and we are at the opposite of that now being so PC and afraid of being called an "abuser" if you stand up to it.

how to regain respect once lost? still working on that one.
 
#21 ·
I think the comments about tv (and movies etc) are right on the money. I stopped watching regular tv 15 or more years ago because I was tired of being insulted by the shows and the commercials. It seems to have invaded pop culture even more in the last few years, in news stories, public schools, and college campuses.
 
#22 ·
I am sure there are different reasons in each marriage for that. But i agree what has been said earlier about TV and society that have "super human-ed" woman into all knowing all powerful self righteous beings. the article even has the woman admitting that. maybe even women's rights movement played a factor. not saying this trait is unique to women as it certainly can go both ways.....but i do believe its much more common from the feminine perspective.
I don't think this is a feminism issue.

I'm a feminist and there's nothing about being one that dictates its ok to disrespect men and I certainly would never do this to my own husband. I absolutely treat him the way I expect to be treated in return.

I do agree that I see more of this from women to men rather than the other way around and I'm not sure when this shift started but I find it extremely disturbing because its damaging to relationships when either partner acts this way towards the other.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top