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Depressed after old argument

6K views 89 replies 21 participants last post by  Chaparral 
#1 ·
This is EXCEPTIONALLY long and I apologize in advance :(.

I love my husband to death, I do, but an argument we had in the past before getting married completely destroyed every ounce of confidence I had in myself. It all started when he was going to meet my parents for the first time. Now as background, a few months before meeting my now husband, I had a "friend with benefits" (I never talked to him much outside the context of this arrangement so "friends" is too liberal a word) whose mother I had always been close with. That was a mouthful. She's a genuinely nice person and one of the few people I made an effort to connect with. Already, I'm sure you can see where this is going. So I mentioned that he may be meeting her as my family attends a relatively large gathering for both Christmas and New Years in which both she and possibly her son may be in attendance. Nothing terribly formal, but more of a "hey, this is the man I might be marrying" kind of thing. As you can imagine, that didn't go over well. He didn't speak to me for days and for some time, I was sure he decided he wasn't going to fly down to meet my parents, but he eventually did. After essentially begging him not to get into a fight with either the former FWB or his mother, he attended the function. However, during this time, he also refused to touch me and when I tried to, he would sweep my hands away. When he did manage to look at me, it made me feel sick. I've never had anyone look at me with as much disgust as he did those few days. That's not something you forget. How can you possibly love someone and be that disgusted by them?

We did eventually manage to get through this visit and somewhat made up. However, it remained an issue for months after we got married. He gave me an ultimatum- choose her or choose him. Clearly, I "chose" him, but it makes me feel so incredibly guilty because that required me to be awful to a woman who has literally done nothing wrong and who took the time to befriend me which is no easy task. I used to value my kindness and I feel like that no longer applies. My family is also very close with this woman and her husband and have asked me on a number of occasions to give her a call or invite her to dinner when I visit and wonder why I'm being so selfish by not reaching out to her. As someone who hates conflict and does not cope very well with it, this is an impossible situation to be in because I value the feelings of others and I either hurt my husband or I hurt this woman. When I explained this, his response was that she wouldn't like me at all if I knew what I did with her son, which might be true, but having it verbalized made me feel even worse about myself as though liking me as a person is contingent on an idea of me that doesn't exist.

However, this is just one aspect of this argument. The other is that he was so thoroughly disgusted by the idea of me having a FWB (though he has had FAR more sexual partners than I have). He pried in ways that were unhealthy, asking me specific positions, size comparisons, etc. I tried my best to explain that my past was my past and the intimate details of it was not important and quite frankly, none of his business. However, he grew more and more upset claiming that my not telling him more, I was saying I had feelings for this guy and demanded that I divulge for "his sake" as he claimed it made him feel better. I kept the details as light and nondescript as I could, but this only led to more questions. This continued for months, often times asking questions that had been answered numerous times before. He would say that I was being selfish to my parents for participating in the arrangement which is true, but there is a certain amount of selfishness and stupidity that youth affords. His words got more and more hurtful and it felt like walking on eggshells to avoid bringing anything up that could possibly relate back to the situation. It got to the point where he demanded the number of the FWB (which was task finding after I had long since deleted it) months after any kind of contact and threatened him. He would have apparently be "done" with the relationship if I hadn't supplied him with this information. Now the threat itself I feel was childish and unnecessary, however, I'm someone who has a great amount of pride and values the dignity of moving on. But by doing what he did, I feel as though he undermined that and gave a good amount of control to someone outside our marriage who really wasn't important to me. Essentially, after being completely unaware of the impact he was having on my marriage, the former FWB was made known of the enormous consternation he was causing. I don't like giving anyone who isn't important to me the satisfaction of even thinking they are and my pride was severely shot by that.

In the first 4 months of our marriage, he treated me awfully because of this. He eventually admitted this and apologized for his behavior. I forgave him, but after months of being berated over my past and made to feel irreparably damaged and unclean, I feel deeply ashamed of myself and have lost the self worth that I so effortlessly had before meeting him. I dread visiting my parents not just because I know there is a big possibility this will come up again, but also because maintaining my marriage (by ignoring the woman) also means being a person I don't like and don't recognize. Did I mention I hate conflicts? I used to be comfortable with my sexuality, but after months and months of exhaustively dissecting my (brief) sexual past, I feel completely disgusted by it and can no longer fully enjoy it. When he tells me he loves me, I feel that he's doing so in spite of me and not because of me.

Before I'm misunderstood, I don't at all blame him for feeling the way he did. His actions could have been a lot more understanding, but it was a difficult situation to be in. I get that. But how do I get over this and reconcile my personality with his demands? How do I not feel completely worthless? Have any of you been in a similar situation?
 
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#2 ·
Your married to a highly immature person. He brags about his conquest, but he wants you virgin white. He has a lot of insecurities to work on, and the more you give into his immaturity, the more it validates his actions as correct.

I suggest getting some emotional distance and figuring if you want to stay married to someone who does not accept you at your present , but can only view you from the past.

It is understandable that you cut contact with your former fb. Me personally, my gf and I are okay with former lovers being friends. If she ever cheated on me, I would leave her in an instant, just like I left my fiance. My world and fulfillment is not contingent on a relationship.

You should work on your issues, become mentally stronger. Your behavior is help enabling his own, proving to himself that he is correct in what he is doing, bordering or perhaps you are in an emotional abusive relationship. Please do look up this issue. Your husband has major issues, perhaps to depths that you are not aware of.
 
#12 ·
Your married to a highly immature person. He brags about his conquest, but he wants you virgin white. He has a lot of insecurities to work on, and the more you give into his immaturity, the more it validates his actions as correct.

I suggest getting some emotional distance and figuring if you want to stay married to someone who does not accept you at your present , but can only view you from the past.

You should work on your issues, become mentally stronger. Your behavior is help enabling his own, proving to himself that he is correct in what he is doing, bordering or perhaps you are in an emotional abusive relationship. Please do look up this issue. Your husband has major issues, perhaps to depths that you are not aware of.
Took the words out of my mouth. This sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship.

I think the OP made a big mistake by marrying this man... his behaviour was irrational, silly and humiliating. We are not in medieval times... I would just get out, because this is going to get worse...
Anyway, my point is that I totally get this kind of man. He will not change.
:iagree:



 
#3 ·
The mistake that you made was that you were not honest with your husband before you were married. You were someone's lover and worse yet, you socialized with your former lover and his mother. If you did not want to resurrect your past, you should not have attended this Christmas & New Year event knowing fully well that you will run into your former lover and his mother.

As you are now married, you should cut all ties to your former lover's mother. She is a trigger for your husband of past memories. Your husband has visions of his ideal wife and your scenario is not in this vision.

You both need to see a marriage counselor to sort out your feelings for each other. Your husband seems not able to get past your "friends with benefits" concept. For you, it has resulted in diminished self-esteem. You need professional help in your marriage. Make sure you see a licensed marriage counselor with credentials not just the church free consultation ones. Your marriage has deeper psychological implications.
 
#7 ·
Honestly OP, I wish you'd sought help prior to getting married. You would've been strongly advised by anyone with any sort of common sense not to proceed imo.

I had sex with men before DH, I even had a FWB. So did DH. We never discussed details about what happened between the sheets. We never asked each other those questions. Why? Neither of us cared. The only thing that matters is what happens between us.

Getting your self-confidence back will come with undoing some of the damage he has done. Part of that will require you to stand up for yourself, and come clean with your friend. You didn't do anything wrong. Having sex with a man without any ties is no big deal and the details should remain between you and him. There is nothing wrong with having a friendship with his mother. I think you should talk to her, tell her you had a sexual relationship with her son before you were in a relationship with your husband. I bet it wouldn't worry her at all.

Stop believing your DHs warped perception of you. Start questioning his right to even ask you questions about your past sex life. Some men here would disagree, but I will guarantee you that any man who is a man worth knowing would never demand this sort of detail. It's a sickness within him, not within you, that causes this sort of morbid curiosity.
 
#8 · (Edited)
I'm a man, very anxious and inquisitive man. I would want to know if my wife slept with any of her guy friends, I would make it clear that she is transparent concerning current and future communication with them, no planned one on one hanging out with them. But if she started telling me details, I'd cover my ears and scream "lalalala I don't wanna know!" Out the door.

Your hubs is fd up, that's some serious sick q and a.

I never had a fwb, but I had a few exes that dropped by unannounced in my "single and not looking days." None of them were attached as far as I knew. I know for certain they weren't married. Honestly, I don't think anybody carried any regrets.

You weren't married then, you aren't accountable to your future husband, and you shouldn't have to answer to him concerning your past if it doesn't affect him... this only affects him because he feels less insecure to have contempt for you.
 
#9 ·
Holy smokes.

Last year I reconciled with my ex-H after being divorced for 4 years. When we first reconciled he said the past is in the past, we're only moving forward from here, blah blah blah. After we bought a house and moved in together he became like your H - retrograde jealousy over the man I was with during our time apart (nevermind the fact that he was too and got married). He questioned me over and over for details just like your H. I finally let out a tiny little bit, and it all went downhill from there. He could not handle it and the retrograde jealousy made him despise me. He became full of contempt and has called me a ***** and a c*&^, among other things. In our arguments now he constantly brings up the fact I was with other people. (We were divorced and getting back together was not even on my radar....until it was.)

Anyway, my point is that I totally get this kind of man. He will not change. It is absolutely unfair of him to hang on to this in the fashion he is and destroy your self esteem like he has. There are so many men out there who wouldn't give a crap about your FWB.

You're an adult now. I'd send a letter/email to the woman and tell her about all of this. What's she going to do, ground her son? :) I'm sure she's hurting and confused and would rather know WHY. She might even know....maybe her son told her about the stupid threat!
 
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#10 ·
They were only meeting the mother of her former lover, not him... they are friends. So what? I think the OP made a big mistake by marrying this man... his behaviour was irrational, silly and humiliating. We are not in medieval times... I would just get out, because this is going to get worse... good luck, OP... you have my sympathy.
 
#11 · (Edited)
He didn't speak to me for days and for some time, I was sure he decided he wasn't going to fly down to meet my parents, but he eventually did. After essentially begging him not to get into a fight with either the former FWB or his mother, he attended the function. However, during this time, he also refused to touch me and when I tried to, he would sweep my hands away. When he did manage to look at me, it made me feel sick. I've never had anyone look at me with as much disgust as he did those few days. That's not something you forget. How can you possibly love someone and be that disgusted by them?

He gave me an ultimatum- choose her or choose him. When I explained this, his response was that she wouldn't like me at all if I knew what I did with her son, which might be true, but having it verbalized made me feel even worse about myself as though liking me as a person is contingent on an idea of me that doesn't exist.

However, this is just one aspect of this argument. The other is that he was so thoroughly disgusted by the idea of me having a FWB (though he has had FAR more sexual partners than I have). He pried in ways that were unhealthy, asking me specific positions, size comparisons, etc. I I kept the details as light and nondescript as I could, but this only led to more questions. This continued for months, often times asking questions that had been answered numerous times before. He would say that I was being selfish to my parents for participating in the arrangement which is true, but there is a certain amount of selfishness and stupidity that youth affords. His words got more and more hurtful and it felt like walking on eggshells to avoid bringing anything up that could possibly relate back to the situation. It got to the point where he demanded the number of the FWB (which was task finding after I had long since deleted it) months after any kind of contact and threatened him. He would have apparently be "done" with the relationship if I hadn't supplied him with this information. Now the threat itself I feel was childish and unnecessary, however, I'm someone who has a great amount of pride and values the dignity of moving on.

In the first 4 months of our marriage, he treated me awfully because of this. He eventually admitted this and apologized for his behavior. I forgave him, but after months of being berated over my past and made to feel irreparably damaged and unclean, I feel deeply ashamed of myself and have lost the self worth that I so effortlessly had before meeting him. I dread visiting my parents not just because I know there is a big possibility this will come up again, but also because maintaining my marriage (by ignoring the woman) also means being a person I don't like and don't recognize. Did I mention I hate conflicts? I used to be comfortable with my sexuality, but after months and months of exhaustively dissecting my (brief) sexual past, I feel completely disgusted by it and can no longer fully enjoy it. When he tells me he loves me, I feel that he's doing so in spite of me and not because of me.
Oh, honey. You are married to an a$$hole, plain and simple. A man who loves you does not treat you this with: swatting your hand away, looking at you with disgust, telling you that people won't like you if they know you did X, berating you, arguing with you all the time, making you feel disgusting and "unclean," threatening to end the relationship if you don't give exact minute detail of every past sexual encounter you've had before them, and holding you to a different standard (when you said he has slept with way more people).

I feel for you. The first 4 months of your marriage are to be enjoyed, not like a hellish nightmare.

I'm willing to bet he's like this in other aspects of your relationship, not just how he acts with the FWB you had BEFORE you ever got with your husband. His way or the highway. He gets off on making you feel bad. Note: it will get worse over time. Especially when you feel like you can't even be yourself with him because you are constantly wondering what is going to set him off. Eggshells. Not fun.



 
#13 ·
Thank you all for responding!

That was a really rough argument. We've had two major argument themes running through our marriage, but last year after months and months of arguing every other week, we talked it through and he hasn't been as quick to anger and hasn't brought it up since (he used to constantly bring it up).

I can understand his behavior to some extent because he was in a similar situation that ended poorly for him. He was put in the hospital by a "friend" of his ex when he broke up with her which would be traumatizing to anyone.

But the thing I'm struggling with is how to fix this. We've already talked it through. I've already forgiven him and can't keep asking him to apologize. I'm not upset at him, I'm upset at myself. Though he says he's over the whole deal and has moved on, I know my husband well enough to know otherwise. He has "moved on" from this a number of times before and the only reason I think he hasn't mentioned it has to do with the fact that we haven't been back to visit my parents since. I don't know what to do without rocking the boat too much.
 
#16 ·
You are right, your sex life before you met him is none of his business. Don't talk about with him. This is a man thing, I have seen other men on this board post how many years after they have been married that they are still upset about the number of men their wives slept with before they were married. It's stupid. People need to make the past the past.

He is emotionally abusive and if he doesn't stop it I would leave him. Odds are it will not get better as he has some hang ups and will probably keep bringing it up years into the marriage. Don't bring children into the picture.
 
#29 ·
You are right, your sex life before you met him is none of his business. Don't talk about with him. This is a man thing, I have seen other men on this board post how many years after they have been married that they are still upset about the number of men their wives slept with before they were married. It's stupid. People need to make the past the past.
Yeah.

Men who think sex is a significant emotional investment meant for serious relationships have absolutely no right to look for that in a partner, and sure as heck have no right to inquire into their wive's past to make sure they have the same views.

How dare such men have standards for acceptable sexual behavior from the person they plan on being with for the rest of their lives…:rolleyes:
 
#18 ·
I'm not really understanding why it would be such a big deal to the FWB's mom or your parents if they found out about it. You say you can understand why your H feels the way he does. I do not understand at all. Why would these grownups be so upset?
 
#19 ·
Not so much upset as disappointed. My parents are religious and have always been proud of me. They are good friends with lady and her husband and I don't want for them to be reminded of my past indiscretions whenever they do happen to see each other, which is frequently. As a people pleaser, there's little worse than letting down someone you care about.
 
#20 ·
For me I had no interest in what my W did prior to our marriage. Sure, I know she had boyfriends. It does not take a rocket scientist to know what goes on. I did not press any questions and really did not care. We started anew, in my mind, when we met, dated and married. The rest of it is nothing but useless static.

Your H needs to stop with the nonsense.
 
#22 ·
Can someone please explain to me the phrase "the past is the past"?

I agree that it's stupid to get worked up over this stuff. I do it, and I absolutely HATE that I do. But the "past is the past" argument just doesn't really do much as far as making me feel better. Does it mean the past doesn't matter? Because I have a hard time believing, people really believe that. Killed someone, well it's in the past. Cheated on your ex, in the past. Picked up hookers and snorted coke off their a$$es, in the past. Can't hold that against me now, it's all in the past.
 
#27 ·
Basically…the whole "the past is the past" thing is something people say when they do not want their significant others (or other observers) to dare think they are allowed to have opinions or be offended by things they have personally done.

For people who think that sex is a rather important emotional connection and a serious decision, and not just some physical activity two bored people do because they don't outright hate each other and there is nothing on TV, the whole notion of "the past is the past" is garbage.

The past is not the past.

Your past made you what you are and to argue otherwise is, to me, a concession that you feel like you will be judged harshly for what you have done.

For the OP…simply stated, your husband has some serious anger issues.

Being unhappy with a FWB situation is certainly fine.

I personally find the whole idea repulsive and would think less of my wife if she had one in her past.

But there is a point at which you express your distaste for it, but accept that it happened, and decide just how important that past is to your estimation of the person you are with now.

I think you guys needs counseling and he needs some anger management strategies, pronto.
 
#26 ·
Sorry to say, but he is using that to manipulate you. It is a power play.

Think of it as an ace, he plays that card when his own issues has arisen. When he feels insecure, he attacks you for it. It is easier to attack you than realize the fragile egotistical person that he is.

He batters your self esteem, so he can make you weaker than him. I bet it galls him to see that his past does not affect you as much. He is making his personal issues affect you personally. With him, you are not the person you want to be, and you are living your life in fear of triggering his own personal problems. Instead of working on himself to be a better person, he controls you to a certain extent, lowering you down with him instead.

The longer this goes on, the more this becomes the new you, and it gets harder to undo the changes to yourself. Even now, you have a lower opinion of yourself.
 
#52 ·
He acts like a man who has discovered that his wife cheated on him. He has mind movies and feels inadequate. He experiences a roller coaster of emotion. He feels contemptuous in one breath, and in love the next.

I think your H wants badly to believe that you are not the type of woman who would, in fact, cheat on him if a 'better' man showed up. He is insecure because you had a repeat experience with no emotional strings attached. In his mind, you could easily do that at any time, you could be emotionally committed to him, but acting out pure sexual attraction to another man.

He knows you didn't cheat on him, but he irrationally thinks you did. It's like your character cheated on him. He doesn't quite trust you as a result.

I would deal with this as a betrayal, no matter how irrational that seems.
 
#74 ·
I think you should read, "Getting the Love You Want" by H. Hendrix. I see a need for you to understand yourself better, and I think that book would help a great deal in doing that.

You also need to think about why you are with your husband. Is it a choice, or is it because of fear? Fear seems to be a huge part of your life, so it feels like it's likely to be the latter.

One thing I know, deep down, is that I would just continue on without DH just fine. I'd get on with life. I'm not with him because I couldn't stand to be without him. That would be basing my life on a negative. I'm with him because I love being with him. Through tough times I don't love being with him, but I always know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel for us. It's always worth working through the tough times.

Where's your light at the end of the tunnel? I don't think you have one. You started out with a bad relationship and it's never gotten better. Your period of stability is tainted by fear of it all boiling over again.
 
#77 ·
DandyJ. Your H does show signs of retroactive jealousy but worse, he has different values than you.

He needs to get help to overcome his RJ but there is nothing wrong with his value system, it is just far different than yours.

Many, if not most, people would want nothing to do with their spouse's former fvck buddy.

Some don't care and you need to find someone with values similar to your own.

He is established and it is extremely unlikely that his value system will change. Yours might because you are still quite young.

You are married less than a year with no children. I would advise moving on. I put most of the blame on him. He has 12 years more experience than you and should have known to call it quits gracefully when it was obvious that you two were so different in your views on sex.

If you are going to continue to be in contact with your former boy toy, grin, you need to find a man with similar values.

I don't have RJ but exes are not allowed in our life at all.

If I had been in your Hs shoes, I would have gently told you that I wasn't the one for you when you told me you were still going to go to events where your FB was going to be and interacting with you.

He should have understood that you two were incompatible.
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#86 · (Edited)
Disassociative Identity Disorder, maybe? I wonder if he has an alternate ego...

How common is retroactive jealousy for Narcissist?

Do People Actually Have Multiple Personalities?
Yes, and no. One of the reasons for the decision by the psychiatric community to change the disorder's name from Multiple Personality Disorder to Dissociative Identity Disorder is that "multiple personalities" is somewhat of a misleading term. A person diagnosed with DID feels as if she has within her two or more entities, or personality states, each with its own independent way of relating, perceiving, thinking, and remembering about herself and her life. If two or more of these entities take control of the person's behavior at a given time, a diagnosis of DID can be made. These entities previously were often called "personalities," even though the term did not accurately reflect the common definition of the word as the total aspect of our psychological makeup. Other terms often used by therapists and survivors to describe these entities are: "alternate personalities," "alters," "parts," "states of consciousness," "ego states," and "identities." It is important to keep in mind that although these alternate states may appear to be very different, they are all manifestations of a single person.
http://psychcentral.com/library/dissociation_intro.htm
 
#90 ·
I don't think it was the op that made the decision to not have sex with him for six months. Seems like he has a problem all on his own.

As far as telling your partner everyone you had sex with is just wrong. You don't kiss and tell . What happens between two people is private. Telling someone else just gives them the opportunity to tell other friends/people for whatever reason.

If they have to know a number fine, they can be told or cut loose. A gentleman doesn't ask and a lady doesn't tell...........and vice versa.
 
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