I Thought 'Retirement' Was Part of the Golden Years?

Justfedup · 06-11-2011, 08:14 PM

My husband and I have been married 32 years. To say it's been a 'happy' marriage, is a stretch. Our three adult children are on their own; and we have six beautiful grandchildren. We USED to have a life...until my husband retired.

Our social, emotional and financial status has changed DRAMATICALLY. A 'downward' spiral would be an understatement. The downward spiral started two years ago this month. My husband's 96-year old mother passed away and my husband fell into a deep depression. Within this time, he decided that he would opt on an early Pension retirement (he had 32 service years in a local union). We are only in our early 50's. I became a homemaker/child care provider in 2009 (more like grandma just watching the grandkiddoes). We haven't been on a vacation in two years, we haven't gone to dinner in six months, we are down to sex maybe once/twice every other week. Of course, my husband expects me to perform my intimate duties whether I feel like it or not. Well, we haven't been intimate now in three weeks. My husband and I are together 24/7..and guess what? I can't take it! We have sacrificed so much as our income has dramatically changed. We have made too much of a change. We no longer have lives... I am growing so resentful; my demeanor is always ugly and negative. I find myself crying at night and waking up crying in the morning. I can't even remember when the last time my husband even told me anything special as 'I love you', 'You look nice'.

Every day I ask myself is this part of the golden years? If so, you can take them back! I'll wait on the golden years!

Blanca · 06-11-2011, 10:44 PM

Most of the older adults I've known that tried to retire hated it. They went back to work. They couldn't stand being around each other all the time. I have no plans to retire since I've never actually heard anything good about it.

Maybe you could bring up going back to work indirectly, so he thinks it's his idea? Or directly if you think it would go over well. Is he miserable, too? You could also try and get a job outside of the home, or volunteer.

BigToe · 06-12-2011, 01:12 AM

It sounds like your husband was (is?) a little too depressed about his mother's death. I'm not trying to be insensitive (I lost my mother less than 5 years ago) but at 96 she certainly lived a long life so it can't be that he expected her to live forever. It sounds like he put more stock in his son/mother relationship than his husband/wife relationship.

Did you not contribute to the discussion about him retiring? Did you not look at how your finances would change when he retired? It sounds like many of the things you were use to doing when he was working (vacation, dinner, etc) are now sacrificed due to less income. Other than one of you getting a new job to supplement his retirement income, I don't see a solution. And money is a very common, but a hell of a thing, to fight over.

In your current situation, this should be a time when you both get reacquainted with each other without the distractions of raising kids.

Married 20 years · 06-12-2011, 06:09 AM

Men get a lot of satisfaction from working outside the home. When they retire they lose that sense of worth. A lot of retired men enjoy finding a part time job in a field that's completely different from where they worked before. It sounds like that would benefit you both by giving DH a sense of accomplishment and providing a little extra income to better enjoy retirement.

Syrum · 06-12-2011, 07:31 AM

Its understandable that he is sad about his mother. Even a bit depressed for a little while, but its way too drastic that he quit his job, and that you no longer seem to feel loved or valued.

He should care that he is only in his fifties and has many more years left, and a wife he could be loving and enjoying life with. If his mother loved him I'm sure she would have wanted him to have a good life and not a miserable one.

AFEH · 06-12-2011, 08:28 AM

Justfedup, it sounds like you are both depressed. The world will not come to you, you know that. You can sit around all day hoping this or that will happen or some prince charming will come and whisk you away. Ain’t going to happen.

You have got to be proactive now like you’ve never been before. It was “easy” working and bringing up kids. Easy because each day was filled with things that “must be done”. Retirement is very different. In retirement you have to be creative, imaginative and you have to put yourself out there. Otherwise you are just going to sit there and get old and even more depressed.

Volunteer. Yes volunteer. Contact some charities and volunteer to help them and “get a life”. Money’s a problem? Got a garden grow your own fruit and veg, it’s cheaper and so much more healthy. Haven’t got a garden? Then get an allotment.

Retirement is what YOU make it, as is life.

Bob

magnoliagal · 06-12-2011, 09:02 AM

If you haven't had a happy marriage up until now then it stands to reason why him being suddenly home all the time would be upsetting to you. What happened to make it not be happy before he quit his job?