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A question on Gifts.

20K views 227 replies 25 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
I got married in 2004. It was an arranged marriage and we had a rocky start that is still a little crazy to this day.

My wife was forced into marriage by her parents.
I did not know this at that time. So we were more like friends than an actual couple for the first few years. I was in a lot of confusion because I had not signed up for this and I still carry resentment. Had IC last year and that helped me cope with my own feelings.

Despite getting back (IMHO) very little from my wife, I stuck around and I thought she fell in love with me. She assures me as such but given a very different of emotional and physical needs. I don't think she understands what she is talking about. She loves her husband who is a solid secure man. She does not really love me. I hope you are able to understand what I am saying.

We now have two kids.

While I am the sole breadwinner, my wife has a small independent source of income and also has my credit card. Something which has a good credit limit and I have never ever stopped her from spending on anything.

Yesterday while we were discussing about something the topic of gifts came up.If you were to open my wife's wardrobe they would find over 70% of the clothes in there were bought by me as surprise gifts. I get her everything from jewelry to even cosmetics and stuff. Not only do I buy her good stuff but she herself comments that she gets more compliments on the clothes I buy for her than the ones she buys herself.

Some 4 months after we got married, my wife bought some clothes for me. A couple of trousers and shirts.

At that time I did not take it well. Considering I was newly married to someone who clearly was not ready to be married to me, I took it as a very insulting move. That what I had was not good enough. I had told her clearly that this was bad and condescending on her part. One shirt or trouser would have been great. But attempting to change my wardrobe itself was not good. Having said that I still did accept the clothes and even used them.

She never got me another gift.

So yesterday when I told her that she has bought me nothing in over ten years. She reminded me of that 2004 incident.

What do I make of this?
 
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#6 ·
There's a reason you say the connection is at its lowest.

And my last post wasn't facetious on purpose. The open dialogue has to start somewhere and this is not about clothes.

You rejected her attempt to care, she just did it in an incompatible way to the method you like to receive.

Read the 5 Love languages, it's a start.

Eta: Resentment is a relationship killer. If you are truly incompatible then nothing will help, but if you are both willing to do some work, it may start to build the bond you currently lack.
 
#7 ·
Read the 5 Love languages, it's a start.

Eta: Resentment is a relationship killer. If you are truly incompatible then nothing will help, but if you are both willing to do some work, it may start to build the bond you currently lack.
Me
9 Physical Touch
7 Quality Time
5 Acts of Service
5 Words of Affirmation
4 Receiving Gifts
Her
9 Words of Affirmation
8 Quality Time
7 Acts of Service
5 Physical Touch
1 Receiving Gifts

I started reading the book. She never bothered. I stopped.

You are right. Its something both have to work on. I was the one doing the heavy work. Now I have said, enough. You do it.
 
#8 ·
Just curious as to how you didn't realize it was an arranged marriage.
Thefam and satya hit the nail on the head.

She wasn't in love with you, attempted to buy you some clothes, making considerable effort to connect with you, and you tore her efforts down. Right then and there she resigned herself to her lot in life- less partnership, more subservience. Why would she buy you another gift? Just to get scolded again?

Satya asked if you had read 5 Love Languages. You replied you started too, but she wasn't into it so you gave up. Keep reading.

As an aside, a good rule of thumb for husbands, always let your wife take care of your wardrobe. She knows what she is doing.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#10 ·
So she does not buy you gifts. This is because she does not know how. gifting is less important to her than to you but is is of little importance to you . Based on that analysis, there is little motivation for her to improve her gifting skills. Also you are wasting your time shopping for her when she wants better words.
 
#19 ·
Some 4 months after we got married, my wife bought some clothes for me. A couple of trousers and shirts.

At that time I did not take it well. Considering I was newly married to someone who clearly was not ready to be married to me, I took it as a very insulting move.
So you want to be Big Daddy in the relationship. There are a lot of western women who would love to take your money and just give you a smile and thanks.

What ethnicity are you? I am always amazed at these customs that are intended to control women but then have unwanted side effects.
 
#24 ·
Not so fast - it seems you're using Western standards to evaluate a non Western arrangement.

Western cultures tend to resolve grudges after a decade. Non Western, not as much. Likewise the "forced" part. Yea, I've seen 50+ Indian friends and one (ugly) divorce but 49 good marriages. Compromise will go a long way.
 
#26 ·
Well I guessed that this would be your response. So, so far so good.

Culture or not, feelings are feeling. The chapter you decided to show is the chapter that indicates you have little sympathy or empathy.

If you think you are the good guy in this scenario, how bad does it have to get before you realize your the bad guy.

But honestly, this what I also have figured out...You have had multiple posts in this thread that have suggested you try a different approach. You continue to reject them. What you really wanted was someone to say you are right and your wife is wrong.

Nobody is telling you that, and instead of looking at the situation differently based on the feedback you have recieved. I figured out that you are going to ignore all the feedback, because it wasn't what you wanted to hear.

Prove me wrong.
 
#27 · (Edited)
I have provided a link to an older thread, request you to please read that as well.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?t=244482

I am in tapatalk. So not able to link to the thread starting. Please read that fully.
Reading fully will be better than reading first post and berating me for domestic violence.
 
#28 ·
Who's berating you for domestic violence? Was that even mentioned in this thread? I thought we were talking about dealing differently with your wife to get your emotional needs met. If there is domestic violence in your marriage...well that's a completely different issue. And much more important to deal with than gift giving.
 
#30 ·
Okay, I can only make it through pages. So fine, you slapped her. If I were talking to her I would tell her to leave you.
Actually, I would probably suggest that you leave her, if she can and does enrage you enough to bring you to hit her.

But assuming that is a one time incident and you know better not to rise to the debate.

My thoughts are still the same. You are like the petulant little boy who is taking his ball home because people aren't nice.

Maybe there is no fix to your situation. I don't know. But I do that your current attitude is a definite non fix. And can only make things worse.

I can tell you that a non entitled princess would not stand for your behavior, and would be very turned off by your refusal to apologize when you are wrong.

If she is how you describe then you are not going to change her. No matter what you do. But if there is any kindness and compassion in her, this is not how to bring it out.
 
#31 ·
BlueWoman,

I got married in 2004. I was full of hope and expectation at the start of my marriage.
A week later my wife tells me that she was forced into this.

I did not go complaining to anyone. I took it and said she has a choice. Either stay and work with me or go.
She stayed.

I lived with a woman who was my wife but lived as a friend.

I was quite hurt with what was for me a huge betrayal. Not just from her but from life itself. But I took it kept up a life that looked and felt happy.

I started changing various parts of my life and she says she fell in love with me. Then she went and got me a full makeover for my wardrobe.

For me it hurt so bad. That I was being shown to be not good enough for her and if only I change my outer appearance she would be ok with me.

Now I think it was a foolish reaction. But I was in a hugely vulnerable state at that time.

But I stuck around with her.

We would occasionally try and get intimate. I would walk with extreme frustration as she would start it but once her orgasm is done, I would be left in the cold. It still hurts when I think about it.

In 2006 her doctor advised a medial procedure to snip her hymen. Even the doctor advised counselling for me. The counselor who had both sides of the story told me that the only way I can have a more sexually satisfying life for myself is to let go and walk away. My wife had or has too much baggage against enjoying sex. No child abuse or anything but just stigma.
It was also around this time that I got to know my wife has PCOS. It goes along with a general lack of sexual enjoyment. It also meant multiple visits to doctors. While I don't deny that she had to really undergo a lot of pain from those injections, I was there for her every single time.

Many times that would eat into my office time but I never complained. In fact many days I would rush back to office skipping lunch etc simply because I had no time.

My current counselor summed it up well when she said:
"Your wife does not know how to give, you dont know that you can ask."

I might appear as a very emotionally disconnected person. But I have cried so many nights that my heart has gone dry.
 
#32 ·
BlueWoman,

I got married in 2004. I was full of hope and expectation at the start of my marriage.
A week later my wife tells me that she was forced into this.

I did not go complaining to anyone. I took it and said she has a choice. Either stay and work with me or go.
She stayed.

I lived with a woman who was my wife but lived as a friend.

I was quite hurt with what was for me a huge betrayal. Not just from her but from life itself. But I took it kept up a life that looked and felt happy.

I started changing various parts of my life and she says she fell in love with me. Then she went and got me a full makeover for my wardrobe.

For me it hurt so bad. That I was being shown to be not good enough for her and if only I change my outer appearance she would be ok with me.

Now I think it was a foolish reaction. But I was in a hugely vulnerable state at that time.

But I stuck around with her.

We would occasionally try and get intimate. I would walk with extreme frustration as she would start it but once her orgasm is done, I would be left in the cold. It still hurts when I think about it.

In 2006 her doctor advised a medial procedure to snip her hymen. Even the doctor advised counselling for me. The counselor who had both sides of the story told me that the only way I can have a more sexually satisfying life for myself is to let go and walk away. My wife had or has too much baggage against enjoying sex. No child abuse or anything but just stigma.
It was also around this time that I got to know my wife has PCOS. It goes along with a general lack of sexual enjoyment. It also meant multiple visits to doctors. While I don't deny that she had to really[/B] undergo a lot of pain from those injections, I was there for her every single time.

Many times that would eat into my office time but I never complained. In fact many days I would rush back to office skipping lunch etc simply because I had no time.

My current counselor summed it up well when she said:
"Your wife does not know how to give, you dont know that you can ask."

I might appear as a very emotionally disconnected person. But I have cried so many nights that my heart has gone dry.
I'm so sorry for you situation , but in my opinion you Know how to ask but she doesn't want to give you anything .
She is resentful because she was forced to marry you, and because she doesn't want to have any intimacy with you or when she want to have is only on her terms.

So I believe she is very selfish and narcissist. She is disconnected of you....
 
#38 ·
To us westerners the system is indeed strange but as I said in 30 years Indian matchmakers for my friends are batting 49 and 1... And the 1 is a very good friend that makes J2 look like my kitten. Good looker too...

One of my guys is Indian and went to India got married etc. His wife works at our place too. I was blown away by the chemistry these two have built up in a year. But it's easy to build chemistry when you have two salaries flowing and not a care in the world. His parents stayed with them for six months. How many newlywed westerner TAM folk could park their parents like that?

It took me decades to understand Indian culture to this level - but it's a great culture and worth the effort. A good 1/3 of my Facebook friends are Indian :)...

The couple is now in India for a wedding and we are eagerly awaiting the sweets they bring on the way back. That and a bottle or two of Old Monk...
 
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