General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I think if you're keeping yourself in shape and looking good, she ought to as well. Thing is with forums like this, is people come asking advice on how to make their partner do something. If I had a mind control device I'd help you out, but you're already setting the tone (so you say).
If you're truly walking and talking the part, I don't know what to say buddy. I mean, do you love the woman? Talks like this won't go over well. The only thing to do is get her involved in something physical.
Does she like to ballroom dance? Lots of women love to dance, guys not so much. It's a real workout though, I'm telling you. If I was you, I'd just sign us up for lessons or something. Search the local meetups for ballroom dance too. It's good for testosterone.
You're describing 2 different things: frumpy vs cold. Wifey is very frumpy around the house but it would not matter if she had the least interest in our marriage Attraction is attractive. I will admit I AM puzzled that over the years she's been piling on clothes: long sleeves, long sweats, hoodies. It was 97 deg yesterday. She goes to bed like that. Posted via Mobile Device
You're describing 2 different things: frumpy vs cold. Wifey is very frumpy around the house but it would not matter if she had the least interest in our marriage Attraction is attractive. I will admit I AM puzzled that over the years she's been piling on clothes: long sleeves, long sweats, hoodies. It was 97 deg yesterday. She goes to bed like that. Posted via Mobile Device
Runs ~
Does she have some other medical condition going on? When I was severely hypothyroid I could not ever get warm and always had 3 blankets on my side of the bed.
Who knows? She hasn't seen a doctor since 1994 and has declared she never will. Right now she's hacking like she has pneumonia - been going on 3 weeks. She won't do anything about it. At least my medical coverage covers ambulance.
Enchantment,
Same for me. Thyroid stuff is not fun. I was ALWAYS cold.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment
Runs ~
Does she have some other medical condition going on? When I was severely hypothyroid I could not ever get warm and always had 3 blankets on my side of the bed.
I normally average about 110-115 pounds at 5'2" and wieght has never really been a huge issue for me (though I am always looking to inprove my appearance).
Anyways about a year and a half ago I went on the shot for birth control (which is notorious for making people gain wieght quickly), and over the course of a three months I went from 110 pounds to 130 pounds. Uncomfortable with that weight, I switched my birth control and went on a diet to lose the weight. In a few months I went down to 105 lbs.
His response? I lost too much weight and now looked like a little girl.
I was pissed. Just when I was starting to feel comfortable with my body again and proud of myself for losing weight, he told me he wasn't as attracted to me. I asked him if he was into thicker women and he said no, but he wasn't into women who were too skinny either.
A month later though I got pregnant, so obviously, I gained the wieght back and then some going up to 155 pounds.
He never commented on my weight (I guess he really didn't have to, because I let it be known that there was no way I was going to stay that way).
He did however let me know that he felt my boobs had gotten too big. (I just had a child, so of course they got HUGE).
I had my son 4 months ago and though the weight hasn't come off as quickly as I would like, I am steadily losing weight and am down to 130 pounds (I would like to lose another 20). I am happy with that, so long as I am steadily losing weight (I didn't put it on overnight, so it's not going to come off overnight).
His new complaint? "Your boobs are too small now. I mean seriously, you lost about 10 pounds in those things!"
I tried telling him when women lose weight, they tend to lose weight in their boobs first. Also, I wan't breastfeeding anymore so of course they are going to be alot smaller then they were. But he is insisting that I could have lost the weight without losing my boobs. (WTF?)
I guess my point is some people are never satisfied, and I have learned what really counts is how you feel about yourself.
Same goes with your wife. I wonder if she lost the weight is there something else that you would find wrong with her appearance? If you truely loved her, the weight wouldn't be so much of an issue for you. (Personally, if my husband gained 40 pounds I wouldn't love him any less, much less be "repulsed" by him.)
My advise is, if you really want her to lose the weight, do not by any means tell her that you think she has gotten too big and certainly don't tell her that you are "repulsed" by her. Anything you tell her about her weight isn't something that she doesn't already know and doesn't already critcize herself about already. I'm sure she has also already picked up on the fact that you aren't as attracted to her anymore, so she doesn't need to hear it. We are our own worst critics and the last thing she needs is the one person who she is counting on the most to love and support putting her down, and making her feel worse than she already does.
Instead, if you really want her to lose weight, be her biggest supporter. Make it about her health, not her weight. Suggest you two start exercising together, buy healthier foods, cook healthy meals together, find a babysitter so she can workout or you can together. Don't ask her to do anything that you aren't willing to do yourself. Even if you don't need to lose weight, if she has someone beside her every step of the way motivating her and going on this journey with her, it's very likely she will lose weight. It's not enough for you to sit on the couch, munching on snack foods, while telling her she needs to exercise and eat healthier. Trust me, she will just resent you for that. Start thinking of yourself as a team (which you are suppose to be, remember?). You will get much farther if you stop seeing this as something that is "her problem"....you're married it's "your problem".
This is a sensitive topic in my marriage now. My husband still wants sex, daily. However he has told me over past couple years how he is not attracted to me, I am too overweight and my fat is not sexy. The worst, most hurtful thing he has ever told me was in December. He told me he is embarrassed to be seen with me. I have known he didn't like my weight, but to say that to me was the worst thing ever. I can't get it out of my mind. However it did explain alot of things over past few years. Like how he never wears his wedding ring, walks ahead of me everywhere, never puts his arm around me,etc. I found out he didn't wanna be seen with me when he refused to go to his work Christmas party. He is a fireman and had recently switched stations. Apparently he does not want anyone to know what I look like. Which explains why he would never take me to the Firefighter convention that comes here yearly. Yes I need to lose weight, but I am not some ugly slob. I am beautiful, have long dark hair, keep nails done, eyebrows, toes done, wear stylish clothes, have nice make up, etc. Just be careful of what and how you say it. I am so hurt by my husband. I don't have a problem with him wanting me to lose weight, just all the other mean comments. Now I am so desperate for affection, attention and acceptance I feel like a weirdo that just wants a good looking man to be nice and compliment me.
This is a sensitive topic in my marriage now. My husband still wants sex, daily. However he has told me over past couple years how he is not attracted to me, I am too overweight and my fat is not sexy. The worst, most hurtful thing he has ever told me was in December. He told me he is embarrassed to be seen with me. I have known he didn't like my weight, but to say that to me was the worst thing ever. I can't get it out of my mind. However it did explain alot of things over past few years. Like how he never wears his wedding ring, walks ahead of me everywhere, never puts his arm around me,etc. I found out he didn't wanna be seen with me when he refused to go to his work Christmas party.
bossesgirl26, this is very troubling. From your other posts about your husband's dominance, it sounds as if you are very devoted to him. But his disrespect for you isn't dominance, it's just being an a**hole.
I'm skeptical that his lack of attraction to you "explains" his disrespect for you in public. It's not about you or about your weight at all. It's about his refusal to live up to his marriage promise to cherish you for better or for worse.
In the past 2 years ive had 2 kids...therefore i was/ am aware i have some weight to lose....My husband told me he was no longer attracted to me about 6 months ago......hes overcome that and Im slowly shedding the pounds...but each time he compliments me it doesnt mean anything, bc be basically ripped my heart out when he told me I was not attractive to him anymore....i suggest not telling her..bc like you my husband has a "perfect" body...and doesnt understand what its like to be battling such a large number of excess baggage to lose.
And for the record, for as long as I've been a man, which is pretty much forever, the thick girls were always way hotter in the sack. All glory to the curves.
This is a tough one and one that I struggle with. My wife has gained about 160 lbs in the 19 years we've been married. We have two kids and I've read a number of similar posts with replies that can be summarized as "how dare you! She gave you two kids. It's about love, you selfish piece of s**t" Well, my wife gained most of her weight prior to kids and I struggled with it then. I am not sexually attracted to obese women and never have been. There is a difference between morbidly obese and overweight. 40 lbs is overweight and I know many people who have lost at least that much with moderate disciplined effort. I don't think I would have lost my attraction to my wife if she was merely 40 lbs overweight. I think most of the people who respond this way may have gained weight, maybe by childbirth and are offended at the thought ... but I can't put my arms around my wife. I can't lay on top of her and kiss her during sex because of the size of her stomach. Several hundred people work at my office and I can think of two people who might be as large as her. I know many women who are marginally overweight that I find very attractive and sometimes it's difficult to keep my mind from wandering. I know that may be different for you ... that is simply my perspective. To those who say it is all about love ... well, there IS a difference between love and sexual attraction. Obviously the best situation is if you both love your wife and are sexually attracted to her. I don't think I can leave my wife simply because I've lost my sexual desire for her BUT it KILLS me that I may never have an active sex life again AND it also KILLS me that I can't provide that to her. Oh, I've tried everything I can think of ... I am very fit and athletic, especially for my age and I've tried countless times to change the menu in the house, get her to go to the gym with me, just take a walk ... I've done it overtly and subtely. I've expressed my concern about her health ... about the future of her children. She has told me in no uncertain terms, she is allergic to sweat. I've tried to accept that it won't be any different and try to force myself to be attracted to her. I've also tried to accept that my sex life is over and I might as well be in my early 70's instead of my early 40's. I've tried to reason that it is ok to leave her because she will find someone who DOES find her attractive and I will find someone who finds me attractive ... but then I think of my two beautiful daughters. I try to put the shoe on the other foot ... what if I'm in an accident that leaves me disfigured ... how hurt would I be if she left me. I've tried every "jedi mind trick" in the book to deal with this, lol. She is a good person and I am loathe to break her heart ... right now she just thinks I'm not very sexual and that couldn't be further from the truth. I am naturally an affectionate and sexual person. I don't want to tell her exactly how I feel and I can't imagine leaving her over something like that ... but I also can't imagine going through life without physical intimacy. It's very difficult.
Thanks for the replies, though its not really what I wanted to hear. First, I do not need to lose any weight. I am in great, px90 kind of shape. I do regular, vigorous excercise, and she wants no part of that. Most of you said to love her for who she is, not how she looks, but I view the weight as reflecting her commitment to me and our relationship. She gained the weight at a point in time when she was hostile and blaming me for lots of things. We have worked to get past these issues, but the weight is still there, unignorable, and conveying to me that she is not interested in being a wife.
I believe that her appearance goes to the core of what is problematic in our relationship and dealing with it honestly would lead to other underlying issues. I get what you are saying about the resentments that build around the weight issue. But what is a spouse's responsibility in a marriage in terms of maintaining their attractiveness to their wife/husband?
I agree with part and disagree with part. But I am there too. My side - very fit, super active and way healthy. And I am over 50, but really in our social circle that is not that unusual. My wife added 25 pounds and it bothered me for sure. The worst part is that it really impacted her self-confidence, sense of self and sexuality. In other words, the problem really effected our relationship but was so much more about her than it was about me.
I've done it all to encourage her to be more active, etc. I know she wants to but nothing I could say made a damn bit of difference. Like you, it's not like I could say "hey let's do this together".
She just lost about 20 pounds, and I have no idea why this time and not another. All I can do is encourage the hell out of it, being as clear as I can how attracted I am.
My bf told me he was repulsed by my weight after I had my son. I had gained 27 pounds. To this day, there is a part of me that doesn't want to be intimate because I hear those words in my head. I feel like I would be pretending to be intimate. But I do it anyway.
Please don't ever tell her that. Keep that inside your own head. Once those words are out, they can't be taken back.
Instead, look around where you live. Do you live near an amusement park of some kind? One of the things we did together is get an annual pass to Disneyland, and we walk nights and one night on the weekend. Of that 27 pounds, I have lost 22.
Don't ever suggest a gym, women see through that faster and the only thing you'll get is animosity. Your type of exercise commitment various greatly from what hers may be.
When I was young, I loved the gym. Was a body builder. As I got older and broke many bones through sports endeavors, not so much. It is my least enjoyale way to exercise. Don't hold that against her.
Go bowling, bike riding, swimming, miniature golf, hiking, anything you can do together. Try to join one of those city type treasure hunts, where you have to walk all over a city to find thigns. Or even, why not go to a large city near your home, pick a category, and go to that type of store. Blog on it together. Even if it's healthy resaurants.
If she has a medical limiation, please take that into consideration. Even if she suffers from depression. I'm sure through the issues you've been having and the weight gain, she may be depressed, or the extra weight makes it harder for her to move around.
Have you always been health conscious and exercise on a regular basis? Perhaps, for you, you want to make sure you are appealing at all times, not just to your wife, but to anyone you meet. Now, look at your wife, has she been like that the whole time you've known her? Right now, she could be wrapped up in her own head, and she can't find the way out. Instead of thinking she's doing this to be mean, to disrepect you, or say you aren't worth her trying, be a leader and try to help her out of there.
Don't expect her to process or do things the way you do. They may seem orderly and expedient and it works for you. Find out what works for her. Find something small that she focused energy on and was successful with, and try to apply that.
You made a vow to love her. In your head you may think, she should do this for you. You shouldn't have to do everything. Think of the person you fell in love with and see where it all changed, and figure out, how did you play a part in it, whether you feel it is right or wrong, and see if you can find it.
We all get lost, think we are worthless, and when a woman is told that her own husband is repulsed by her, it only validates that sense of worthlessness. Why bother trying to lose this weight if he's only going to up and leave me anyway. It's his way of messing with me, because he's angry I'm this way. These are some of the thoughts she may experience.
These are only suggestions. It may help or not. And I can see how you are annoyed by those who say love her for the way she is. You can love who she is, but you certainly may not like what she is doing. Part of the job of a spouse is to help the other spouse who is lost, to find their way. Not YOUR way, but HER way.
I agree with the above posters. She will not be motivated to lose weight simply to be more pleasing to you. It's not that a woman doesn't ever want to please a man, but if that's her reason for losing weight she's likely to gain it right back when you're having your differences... Women want to be loved for who they are on the inside, not how they look on the outside.
As a woman, I would be very motivated to exercise alongside my husband. Spending time together and focusing on a healthier lifestyle is great for your marriage. One caveat though, avoid making the form of exercise competitive. For example, if you go for a bike ride with your wife don't make it about who's going fastest. And try to choose activities that your wife will enjoy doing. If she's not a runner, don't press her to become a runner all of a sudden. Make it fun.
I disagree with the part about "women want to be loved for who they are on the inside". Women only say that when they are overweight. When they lose the weight they love the extra attention that a fit woman gets.
My wife has lost a lot of weight, we did insanity together, and it is all worth it just to see her more confident with her body and her looks than she was before.
By the way, I recommend that method, doing insanity together. The program works fast and suffering through it together will bring you closer. And you don't have to go to any gym or pay for membership.
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Re: Not attracted to my wife 
