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How Often Does Settling Happen?

2K views 19 replies 16 participants last post by  richardsharpe 
#1 ·
We've all have heard of it, seen it in movies, read it in books. But I wonder in real life how often do people settle when choosing a marriage partner.

I don't mean "he isn't 6'3, but 6' is close enough" or "she's only a B cup but what the hell" settling. I mean the sexual attraction or truly deep love isn't there, but more of a friendly love and comfortableness.

I think I settled with my first wife (and she with me) in that way. There were times I was pretty attracted to her and really felt romantic love for her, but I'd say overall it was more that we were comfortable.

At the time I was young and thought that was what made a good marriage. People always said, don't base your relationship off of sex because sex always fades. (might this be considered Blue Pill? ;))
 
#3 ·
Many times people settle for their marriage partner. The good qualities outweigh the not so good ones. In terms of looks, I definitely say that my husband settled with me when we first met. I was only a freshman in college, skinny, and very petite. He was a very good looking senior and resembled strongly of Mark Spitz, the gold medalist Olympic swimmer. I asked him once, why he chosed to date me. He said that I was pretty and kind.

He added to the above that my transformation to my late 20s and later years astonished him. I looked my best in my 30s and did turn heads. I remembered admiring a blown glass ship in a glass blowing demonstration in our local mall when a good looking man in his 30s offerred to purchase the ship for me in front of my husband. I politely declined. I forgot to wear my wedding ring. After he left, my husband offered to purchase two ships!

I don't put my looks above my accomplishments. I credit a strong character to my academic parents who raised me to believe that substance is the greatest asset. I am now 35 years married and grew old with my still good looking husband.
 
#7 ·
Guess I have always understood it like this. We all have high expectation and compromise in areas that don't mean very much to us. For example a guy who always has a preference for blondes but finds his future wife and she is a brunette.

When you settle though you are compromising on something very important to you. Maybe you are very active and outdoors type who settled on someone who enjoys staying home and watching TV all day.

Compromises are ok. Settling to me is a recipe for disaster.
 
#15 ·
Guess I have always understood it like this. We all have high expectation and compromise in areas that don't mean very much to us. For example a guy who always has a preference for blondes but finds his future wife and she is a brunette.

When you settle though you are compromising on something very important to you. Maybe you are very active and outdoors type who settled on someone who enjoys staying home and watching TV all day.

Compromises are ok. Settling to me is a recipe for disaster.
I feel this is explained VERY WELL... these are my thoughts.. I never cared about hair color.... but I did hope to meet a guy without glasses.. I never noticed the boys with glasses growing up, never had a crush on one...

When I met my husband, this will sound bad... but he looked a little nerdy, big glasses, I wanted to change his jeans to Levis, give him some boots.. and I hated those glasses! Contacts weren't popular back then, though we did buy them for our wedding.. one pair was like $200 back in '89!

Sure there were HOTTER guys - but that will always BE...without his glasses, he had the lanky body type I go for.. so it wasn't all bad...the sexual chemistry was still there..

There was one gorgeous guy who wanted to get to know me , he went to a different school... I did talk to him on the phone a few times.. but I was taken...during that time.. I had to make a choice.. something told me I would never find one who treated me better than my Husband...so I hooked him up with my GF & they went to the prom together. He was a bit of a temptation but I never went down that road....I never really KNEW him.. so I can't say I feel I lost out on anything..

Back to those glasses..we have 6 kids -every one of them got HIS eyes .. that's a lot of contacts to keep ordering!!.. but these are such small non-important nothings..

In the scheme of life & love ...he was near PERFECT as one could get for me.. he likes to say I just fell out of the sky & onto his lap one fine day.. and me.. I prayed for a guy like him. (seriously).

Even if he was my 1st love.. and I am void of other experiences.. I never felt I settled...I've yet to meet anyone (friend , acquaintance , co-worker) who I've felt would have been a better match for me ..or one who'd be able to bring out the best in me ..as he does....
 
#8 ·
I guess I'm asking more about settling in a lust, desire, love situation.

Do people really settle with someone they "love" but don't LOVE. More a familiarity and comfortable kind of love than heart thumping love. Or someone who doesn't exactly blow your stack sexually but will make a great mom or dad or whatever.
 
#12 ·
Mrs. Conan didn't come close to the best in bed award when we first met. But she had me like no other. I was in love with her from first sight.

We have worked together at sex and achieved higher levels than anything previously experienced but it took time and effort.

The most mind blowing experience before marriage was with a vile, but very hot, belly dancer.

No way in hell would I even be friends with her, much less marry her. Super sex is not enough for a good relationship. Super sex can be achieved if you are both motivated though.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#14 ·
I would guess that most marriages are based on two people who have each convinced themselves that "this is it!" because they want to be married-and they aren't really all that concerned about who their partner is. Very few people in this frame of mind would see it in themselves. Most people under a certain age lack the kind of self-esteem that makes one *very* discriminating about the type of life and partner they want; most people cannot imagine choosing to be alone rather than settling. Yes, a lot of people will say they would prefer to be alone, but they don't ever actually spend time--years--without dating or looking for a partner.

The kind of "settling" you ask about, OP, is rather rare I think, b/c very, very few people will admit to themselves that they are marrying b/c it is "comfortable." And even fewer would admit it to anyone else--but honestly, self-deception is quite normal in our society.

I think that self-deception actually explains the high divorce rate and the number of married couples who aren't really that happy. People marry for the wrong reason (ie, they don't want to be alone). Some people get lucky and they grow together with their partner; many do not.

Just my 2 cents!
 
#16 ·
Most people compromise a little, unless they're totally delusional and don't realize they are.

Most people realize they did settle after a year or so when the maritally blissed become the martially pissed.
 
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