General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I know the title sounds like it should be in the Divorce/Separation section, but I wanted to put it here because it's more than divorce that crosses my mind.
I will soon be coming upon my one year anniversary to my husband and the thought of getting a divorce crosses my mind daily. I don't know if this is normal, but I know it's not right. The bliss of the dating and engagement are gone. The hype of planning and completing a wedding are over. Now I feel stuck in the marriage blues where life has become an ever boring, yet constant barrage of fighting and what not.
I hate to say it, but this is not what I thought marriage was about. Now by no means did I think it would be perfect, but I certainly didn't see marriage the way it has presented itself. Yes, there is constant conflict in my not even a year old marriage and a lot of it. I thought I knew who I married, but I clearly was wrong. It's always interesting that once you are committed to someone, their "true colors" begin to show. And the colors that my husband is putting out are colors I never thought I would see. I am not ready to go into full blown explanation, but am here to vent and possibly find someone else in my similar boat.
I never thought that the first year of marriage would be hard. I have already been through a hellish relationship before and every time I feel unsafe, threatened, or just want out, I think of getting a divorce. I know that some of my issues with my marriage surround not only my past relationships, but also that of my husband. I am willing to admit that my past relationships are someone haunting and I let the past get the better of me and my marriage. However, my husband is not willing to accept the same. He is not willing to accept that his past relationships play a huge role in many, if not most of our arguments.
Another main factor that is causing major upheaval is finances. Finances always have a way of creeping up and making things really ugly. It also doesn't help that my husband is not currently employed and I often wonder if the tides will ever change and he'll get a job. Mind you, I knew this coming into the marriage. He's in school and to a certain point, I have accepted it. I get it, he's a student and right now that's what he's doing and I have to hold down the fort. What I didn't bargain for was someone who was so obsessed and consumed by the need for money that it changes his personality. It's also a huge issue when he knows there isn't much money right now, yet keeps wanting to buy this, do that, etc... things that we simply do not have money for. But he doesn't get it, no matter how many times I have to be the bad cop and say "we don't have money for that".
It's almost like talking to a child and that child doesn't get it, doesn't want to get it, and isn't listening at all. Money is a major problem in my marriage and I don't know how to get it across to my husband that at this moment in time, we don't have the money to do the things he's used to doing and wants to do. I simply don't know what else to say or do. All it ends up causing is problems and fights. How do I get this across to him? It was his choice to return to school and again, I have accepted that and I knew money would be tight. But why can't get have a level of understanding that the money simply isn't there and stop making me look like the bad guy when I have to say no. It's not fun for me either to keep saying no to this, that, and the other because the money isn't there. No one asked for the economy we have. But on the same note, he's not willing to look for a part-time job to bring in a little extra so he can have a little extra in his pocket. I honestly feel like his mother and not wife, when it comes to money and more.
The more part has to do with that I thought I married a grown man, but this grown man acts like a huge child. Not only when it comes to money, but how he wants to be treated. If I treat him in a manner that he feels even slightly uncomfortable, I get to hear about it. He loves to bark orders around and tell me what to do and how to do it. I don't know how we got here and perhaps we've been here all along. But I didn't sign up for this.
Of course, I know marriage is not without it's issues and struggles, but is it normal that a newly married couple struggle this much? Have this much conflict and disagreement? I am beginning to wonder if the person I thought I married really didn't exist and the person I am actually married to is finally coming out.
I am unsure what to do at this point. There are a lot of things my husband needs to get past (his personal and professional past). I know I have a lot of work myself. I am not pointing the finger directly at him. I also take responsibility for my past and my actions. How am I supposed to deal with something I feel completely unprepared for? I wish there was a marriage handbook, but there isn't. I'm simply at my wits end and want out more than I want in.
Are the marriage blues normal? Does everyone go through this? Am I treating my husband unjustly? Or am I throwing everything way out of proportion? How do I get across to this individual in a constructive, yet loving way. I don't want my marriage to fail, but it seems as if my expectations of what should be and what is, are completely different. I knew life would change, but I didn't think it would be riddled with conflict, arguments, ugly words, and this much pain. I thought this was supposed to be a happy time in my life, but I must say that ever since the honeymoon, life has been more than trying, it's been downright painful.
Thank you all for listening and perhaps someone can provide some insight and guidance.
Most of the time in life, anything worth having and keeping will require a certain amount of work. Marriage is no different.
IMO, it sounds like you were not really ready to get married. Unresolved issues from your past and his, possibly should have been resolved and laid to rest. Anytime that there are things from the past that haven't been dealt with and/or laid to rest, they will eventually creep back into your current situation.
If you get the feelings of bailing and wanting to divorce because of things that happened in past relationships, and thinking they will happen in this one as well, then yeah you might want to go ahead and divorce. Its about work, most importantly teamwork. IMO, if there are people who are not willing to try and work on their situation, then they are better off single.
Thank you for your input. You are right, marriage requires work and a lot of it. And personally, I feel I have put everything into this marriage. I will say that a good majority of my past is behind me and I am not afraid that what happened then will happen now. That is not the issue.
The issues are money and his past (again I know I still have a some of my baggage). I will have to disagree with you in that the majority of people in a marriage or committed relationship has baggage and that past comes along with them. The real problems begin when they are not willing to let most of that past go. There is no way two individuals are going to walk into a marriage with a perfectly clean slate. That's impossible.
I want to bail because I don't see my husband putting in the same level of work as myself. Now that may be untrue, but that is my observation. His past is constantly creeping up for one reason or another. We did go through pre-marital counseling and everything was fine. Then after the honeymoon, real life settles in and he can't deal with it. I find my husband to be unsympathetic. He's always waiting for me to let him down or for the other shoe to drop (he's said this to my face). I feel I can never do right by him, no matter how hard I try. I feel like I'm constantly under the gun and under constant scrutiny from him. Then out of the blue, I will get a thank you or a compliment from him. I know I'm dealing with someone with mental issues (I deal with them myself and am in treatment), yet he doesn't want to seek real help.
I understand that we all need to let go of our pasts for the most part. I also know that it's nearly impossible to not have some of that baggage follow each of us. It's how we react and let it affect our lives. With my husband, his past is a constant real life event, taking place minute after minute and day after day. It has seriously impacted our marriage and ability to move forward.
I don't want a divorce, but when things get really bad, I just want to run because I don't know what else to do. I wish my husband would put in as much effort as I do and will finally let me in so we can fight his demons together instead of letting his demons destroy a good thing we have.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamison
Most of the time in life, anything worth having and keeping will require a certain amount of work. Marriage is no different.
IMO, it sounds like you were not really ready to get married. Unresolved issues from your past and his, possibly should have been resolved and laid to rest. Anytime that there are things from the past that haven't been dealt with and/or laid to rest, they will eventually creep back into your current situation.
If you get the feelings of bailing and wanting to divorce because of things that happened in past relationships, and thinking they will happen in this one as well, then yeah you might want to go ahead and divorce. Its about work, most importantly teamwork. IMO, if there are people who are not willing to try and work on their situation, then they are better off single.
"I will have to disagree with you in that the majority of people in a marriage or committed relationship has baggage and that past comes along with them. "
That is fine, if you disagree, not a problem. I was meaning that if people have unresolved issues from their past, that was not dealt with, then yes, chances are those unresolved issues will carry over into the current relationship. Which may be part of your husbands issue. And no no one is going to walk into a marriage with a "perfectly clean slate" thats not hat I'm saying.
"I will have to disagree with you in that the majority of people in a marriage or committed relationship has baggage and that past comes along with them. "
That is fine, if you disagree, not a problem. I was meaning that if people have unresolved issues from their past, that was not dealt with, then yes, chances are it those unresolved issues will carry over into the current relationship. Which may be part of your husbands issue. And no no one is going to walk into a marriage with a "perfectly clean slate" thats not hat I'm saying.
Ah Jamison, thank you for the clarification. I not only understand, but agree with you.
So, now that we know this much, is counseling our only recourse? I'm perfectly fine with counseling, but the problem with my husband is that he doesn't believe in it and is disingenuous with the therapist. His idea is to try to trick the therapist into seeing if the therapist can really figure out the problem.
Until he is willing to get help, I honestly don't see a good outcome. Again, I don't want my marriage to go down the toilet, but I can't do the work for him. And it's certainly not fair to me to keep putting up with the same crap day in and day out. I knew what I wanted from this marriage and I thought I knew what I was getting into. My husband told me he's dealt with his issues, but he clearly has not and I feel stuck in the middle of his past and his present.
I'm at a loss and embarrassed beyond belief. How can a marriage go down the drain in under a year? I feel like a fraud. So sad.
Have a heart to heart with your husband, ask him what does he want from the marriage. If he wants it to work, then he needs to know his actions will need to speak louder than his words. So, therefore if he is saying one thing, but doing another, then you will eventually have to make a choice on what you feel will work best for you. You can't change him, but you can change you and what you feel you are willing to live with or not.
Have a heart to heart with your husband, ask him what does he want from the marriage. If he wants it to work, then he needs to know his actions will need to speak louder than his words. So, therefore if he is saying one thing, but doing another, then you will eventually have to make a choice on what you feel will work best for you. You can't change him, but you can change you and what you feel you are willing to live with or not.
Oh Calla, you hit the nail on the head. We've had more heart to heart conversations than I can remember. I love this man dearly, but your statement above is dead on. He says one thing and does another. He says he's over his past, but two days later something triggers him and he'll bring it up. It turns him into an ugly person. Someone I never saw while dating or even while engaged. I often think he confuses me with his ex-wife and I the bystander getting slammed with his rage at her. My husband needs help and I've told him so, in a loving way. I don't want to see him go through this. I don't want to see his horrid past haunt him the way it does. But like you said I can't change him. I don't want to change him. I've spent enough years of my life trying to change other people and I've learned my lesson. I can't change anyone except myself. I do know that I am not willing to live with this much longer. If he can't accept his past and his present and seek help (and I'll be there with him every step of the way), then I will have to make a decision. It's one I don't want to have to make, but I won't go down this road.
Having been married twice, I see FIVE things that are essential to having a marriage work.
The first one is while dating, everyone is on their BEST behavior. But there ARE tell tale signs of what may be in the horizon. Whatever it is that bothers you (even in the slightest bit) about your future to be, will bother you ten fold after you've tied the knot. Things like they clutter, lose their temper easily, bossy, big spender, their mannerism, drinking, flirting etc.
Unfortunately "LOVE IS BLIND" and a lot of times we become UNAWARE of these things because "EMOTIONS" do control the mind. Even if we are aware of these things, we seem to ignore them thinking that we can live with them.
The SECOND is that even if we're aware of the things we don't like about this person, we think that WE can CHANGE them. WRONG! What you see is What you get and they will NOT change unless they make a CONCENTRATED effort to do so. They are what they are. You either accept them for what they are or pass...!
The THIRD is what may be considered to be COMPATIBILITY. That is enjoying the same things the other person enjoys. Not PRETEND that you like what they like and later on decide, you were only doing it just to please them! Then you begin to live separate lives in the same household.
The FOURTH is communication: If you can't sit down and communicate (without any arguments) and come up with a viable resolution that BOTH parties can agree on, then your marriage is DOOMED to failure. Even while dating this is evident especially when the other person is in control and always wanting to do things their way. You give in just to make them happy. Not gonna work once married.
The FIFTH (but certainly not the least) is the FINANCIAL aspect. And with today's economy and unemployment woes, it becomes even tougher. Seems to me that the second major issue (other than communication) in marriages is being able to live comfortably financially.
Makes it even tougher when finances are low and you're relying on friends and relatives to help out. Worse when one of the spouses wants to be in control, irresponsible and doesn't value the money.
Now wouldn't we all be in a lot better shape had we been prepared for these things before we committed ourselves to this long term relationship? But like I said "LOVE IS BLIND"!
Wicked, you have told us that your H has a mental disorder but you've not said what it is -- presumably, because he has not stayed in therapy long enough to find out. The behavior you are describing -- acting like a child, lack of impulse control, verbally abusive, inappropriate anger, temper tantrums -- are some of the traits for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
I mention BPD traits because, as a man who lived with a BPDer exW for 15 years, I know that it is impossible to have a calm, rational discussion with a BPDer on any important issue. BPDers (those with strong BPD traits) carry enormous anger from early childhood and that anger is easily triggered, making you feel like you are always walking on eggshells. They also are convinced they are always "a victim," and therefore will blame every misfortune on their spouses. If you would like to read more about what it is like to live with a typical BPDer, I suggest you read my discussion in GTRR's thread. My posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiety...tml#post188319. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to try to answer any questions you have or point you to online resources that can. Take care, Wicked.
^^^^^ Good point, Pidge. The lack of impulse control and difficulty sustaining attention can be an indication of ADHD too. Moreover, the choice may not be between BPD and ADHD. The H could have strong traits of both. A recent study found that 70% of people having BPD at the diagnostic level also suffered from ADHD.
I know the title sounds like it should be in the Divorce/Separation section, but I wanted to put it here because it's more than divorce that crosses my mind.
I will soon be coming upon my one year anniversary to my husband and the thought of getting a divorce crosses my mind daily. I don't know if this is normal, but I know it's not right. The bliss of the dating and engagement are gone. The hype of planning and completing a wedding are over. Now I feel stuck in the marriage blues where life has become an ever boring, yet constant barrage of fighting and what not. Welcome to Marriage, sweetie! The engagement and wedding planning is only a stage in your relationship. How could you have expected that level of excitement to last forever? It sounds like you are naive about what day to day life would be like; the wedding is just the fairy tale before the real work starts.
I hate to say it, but this is not what I thought marriage was about. Now by no means did I think it would be perfect, but I certainly didn't see marriage the way it has presented itself. Yes, there is constant conflict in my not even a year old marriage and a lot of it. I thought I knew who I married, but I clearly was wrong. It's always interesting that once you are committed to someone, their "true colors" begin to show. And the colors that my husband is putting out are colors I never thought I would see. I am not ready to go into full blown explanation, but am here to vent and possibly find someone else in my similar boat. |You said that you are not pleased that the honeymoon stage is over, so clearly you believed that marriage would be like that. I lived with my husband for two years before we married, so there were no surprises. Have you have any serious discussions about what your expectations were for marriage? It's a conversation with a dialogue that changes as you grow together.
I never thought that the first year of marriage would be hard. I have already been through a hellish relationship before and every time I feel unsafe, threatened, or just want out, I think of getting a divorce. I know that some of my issues with my marriage surround not only my past relationships, but also that of my husband. I am willing to admit that my past relationships are someone haunting and I let the past get the better of me and my marriage. However, my husband is not willing to accept the same. He is not willing to accept that his past relationships play a huge role in many, if not most of our arguments. If you want to walk away every time things get hard, you are not ready for marriage. You confused the wedding and engagement with marriage. Both of you need counseling to get past these issues. I am in therapy because my abusive childhood was bleeding into my marriage. I want to resolve these issues by the time I am 30. I have nearly one year.
Another main factor that is causing major upheaval is finances. Finances always have a way of creeping up and making things really ugly. Ain't that the truth! It also doesn't help that my husband is not currently employed and I often wonder if the tides will ever change and he'll get a job. Mind you, I knew this coming into the marriage. He's in school and to a certain point, I have accepted it. I get it, he's a student and right now that's what he's doing and I have to hold down the fort. Many newlywed couples are poor because we are just starting out. There is no shame in that. I don't think you accepted his poor student status as well as you said you did, otherwise you would not be complaining. You know your husband was poor and unemployed when you met him; why did you believe marriage would magically change the situation? My husband was unemployed for a year when we were engaged; he couldn't find work. Now we are both working and he recently got a raise. It is taking a long time, but things are slowly improving. We now have enough extra money to go out a bit or take little weekends away.
What I didn't bargain for was someone who was so obsessed and consumed by the need for money that it changes his personality. It's also a huge issue when he knows there isn't much money right now, yet keeps wanting to buy this, do that, etc... things that we simply do not have money for. But he doesn't get it, no matter how many times I have to be the bad cop and say "we don't have money for that". You are also holding resentment because your husband has no money. That is unfair, since you were well aware of the situation. Pretending the situation doesn't exist doesn't make any sense.
It's almost like talking to a child and that child doesn't get it, doesn't want to get it, and isn't listening at all. Money is a major problem in my marriage and I don't know how to get it across to my husband that at this moment in time, we don't have the money to do the things he's used to doing and wants to do. I simply don't know what else to say or do. All it ends up causing is problems and fights. How do I get this across to him? It was his choice to return to school and again, I have accepted that and I knew money would be tight. If you sound like a nagging mother, you are fullfilling the mother role, which will not help your marriage. It is your outlook on the money issue that is the problem; you knew what was going on. It is horrible not to have the money you are used to, but that is part of married life. Everybody has to start somewhere; you and your husband have to manage your expectations.
But why can't get have a level of understanding that the money simply isn't there and stop making me look like the bad guy when I have to say no. It's not fun for me either to keep saying no to this, that, and the other because the money isn't there. No one asked for the economy we have. But on the same note, he's not willing to look for a part-time job to bring in a little extra so he can have a little extra in his pocket. I honestly feel like his mother and not wife, when it comes to money and more. You are losing respect for your husband because you feel like he is not trying to provide. I totally respect that; he should be willing to do any job he can. After all, he is a student so full time work is not an option, unless he is willing to go to school part time. Have you talked to your husband about his reasons for not seeking part time work?
The more part has to do with that I thought I married a grown man, but this grown man acts like a huge child. Not only when it comes to money, but how he wants to be treated. If I treat him in a manner that he feels even slightly uncomfortable, I get to hear about it. He loves to bark orders around and tell me what to do and how to do it. I don't know how we got here and perhaps we've been here all along. But I didn't sign up for this. He should not speak to you in that manner. However, money is a symbol of power in a marriage. Your husband may feel diminished as a male because he is not bringing in any money. It is his misguided and unhealthy way of being macho. I do not think this is right, especially since your hubs could go and get a part time job.
Of course, I know marriage is not without it's issues and struggles, but is it normal that a newly married couple struggle this much? Have this much conflict and disagreement? I am beginning to wonder if the person I thought I married really didn't exist and the person I am actually married to is finally coming out. You are learning to be married, so it is to be expected. They say the first year is the hardest because you are adjusting. Newlywed Advice - 20 Mistakes Most Newlyweds Make
I am unsure what to do at this point. There are a lot of things my husband needs to get past (his personal and professional past). I know I have a lot of work myself. I am not pointing the finger directly at him. I also take responsibility for my past and my actions. How am I supposed to deal with something I feel completely unprepared for? I wish there was a marriage handbook, but there isn't. I'm simply at my wits end and want out more than I want in. It is good that you are taking accountability for your issues. There are many books about marriage...you can pick and choose what works for you. I like this one: Amazon.com: Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages (9781401302566): Robin L. Smith: Books
Are the marriage blues normal? Does everyone go through this? Am I treating my husband unjustly? Or am I throwing everything way out of proportion? How do I get across to this individual in a constructive, yet loving way. I don't want my marriage to fail, but it seems as if my expectations of what should be and what is, are completely different. I knew life would change, but I didn't think it would be riddled with conflict, arguments, ugly words, and this much pain. I thought this was supposed to be a happy time in my life, but I must say that ever since the honeymoon, life has been more than trying, it's been downright painful. Conflict is inevitable, especially during the beginning. It is a task of marriage to learn to manage disagreements effectively.
Thank you all for listening and perhaps someone can provide some insight and guidance.
Your story sounds SO similar to mine, it's uncanny.
My one year anniversary is July 10. I contemplate divorce daily.
Work on yourself, be patient, try not to engage in destructive patterns...and you'll know if and when you're ready to take the next step--whatever it is.
And you're not a fraud if you are true to yourself.
Whether you're in this marriage, or out of it.
If he's not open to counseling with you, go on your own.
It has helped me immensely.
Take care of yourself, and he might wake up and join you.
And if he doesn't, you'll be in a better position to handle that without being destroyed by it. Posted via Mobile Device
I think about divorce on a regular basis 
There are many books about marriage...you can pick and choose what works for you. I like this one: 
