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Maybe I've Had Enough

1K views 11 replies 10 participants last post by  FeministInPink 
#1 ·
My husband and I have been married for 6 years, but dating well before that as well. I just feel like nothing I do is ever good enough in this marriage. There are days where I just feel like throwing in the towel and leaving. We argue all of the time about everything. A month or two ago I got up and went grocery shopping in his car which is located 2 blocks from our home and when I came back and told him to get the groceries out of the car he came at me and stated give me my damn keys, and stated don't take my f***ing car anymore. Now everything in our home including cars are joint purchased, and I did not think it was a problem taking one car over the other I just love the new car b/c it doesn't have any miles and drives a lot faster then mines. Plus I plan on trading in my car and want to keep low mileage, of which he is aware. He offered to do the laundry last week and washed all the clothes, but puts nothing up so when I asked him was he planning on putting up the loads he just went off. He did the same thing this week two. It gets o my nerves. I'm tired of arguing about little things, I've even suggested counseling. He stated that he does not believe in it and will not talk to someone he does not know. He also states that he is not putting someone he does know in our business. This is the second big fight. So he took the keys from me and put him in his pocket and would not get the groceries, so I asked him to give me the spare key and he said no. I beat open the safe we have in our home and got the key. He shoved me and I pushed him. I ran outside and got in my car with his spare key and he begged me to get in the car to talk. So I let him in to avoid the neighbors in the backseat of course, and he we damn near got to fighting again over the key because he tussled with me from behind and took the key. What should I do. I'm so tired.
 
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#4 ·
You and your husband have communication problems. In addition, you are in a power struggle. You need to inform him what you are going to do such as taking his car to the grocery store. In an event that he leaves a task unfinished, thank him for taking the time for part of the task and ask him to complete the task with you such as putting away the laundry together.

Your psychological power struggle has gone into a physical struggle. This is not good at all. He won't go to counseling with you, so this is another problem. You both need to give a little; otherwise, your situation will get worse. I've been married for 35 years (first marriage for my husband & I) and have been through power struggles as you are now experiencing.
 
#5 ·
This is our first marriage too, and I don't plan on letting it fail. I love him with all of my heart and soul, and I think we are going through a power struggle. Maybe I need to relax and communicate a lot better than I have. I heard men sometimes state women are nagging depending on the way we say things. So maybe I should be considerate of how I say things and offer assistance when a task is undone. I never thought I had to ask him to use his car since we have 3, but I guess now I should.
 
#6 ·
I think it's worthwhile to try, but I encourage you to start individual counseling nonetheless. If your h is the kind of person who refuses to consider counseling, it's another warning sign--and a strong one. The reality may be that he *will* do counseling if you insist it's either that or you are leaving. It does not sound like you are at that point yet, but just be aware that the changes you make could destabilize things more, as you change and grow.

Good luck.
 
#7 ·
I agree on the IC. I personally would not stay married to a guy who did what he did in the car, though. I would feel manipulated and disrespected.
 
#8 ·
I think you two have forgotten how to speak politely to each other. I bet that when you first got together you spoke nicely to each other, respected each others' feelings and property. I think you could TRY to have a conversation with him about needing to be more aware of respect for each other. It doesn't sound like its all on him to be more respectful. It sounds like its both of you.

At least you could make the effort. We always say hello and good bye, we ask to use the other spouse's items, we sit down to dinner together and talk about our day, we work on projects together, etc... We make an effort to be NICE to each other. It matters.

Also, consider his family or origin. I come from a family of 12 where EVERYTHING was shared and nothing stayed as a complete set or match for long. My H was an only child, so everything was HIS and he didn't share (not without permission and rules and stuff!) and you have to take care of it, and keep it all together.... Neither is bad, just different upbringings. I know that taking things without a word is disrespectful to him, just as he knows that it is no big deal to me. I show him respect by not messing with his stuff.
 
#10 ·
Good evening
Its difficult to interpret "pushed", "shoved", "tussled". It might be domestic violence, it might not, but if disagreements are getting physical, that is a really bad sign.

If it is not really a violence situation, then you seem to both be communicating very badly.

You "told him" to get the groceries? He won't let you use HIS car? (don't the cars belong to both of you?). But why do you care which car you take to go shopping - his drives *faster* - to the store????

This seems like a major communications breakdown, or maybe much worse.
 
#12 ·
A lot of good advice here. How you and he communicate is very big. If he is feeling that you don't respect him, or if there is an emotional disconnect between the two of you, his fears and insecurities about your relationship can manifest as anger... and I see a lot of anger in this situation, some of which is being expressed physically. I'm not sure from these few posts that this is abusive, but it may well be. So IC for yourself should definitely be in order.

I do agree that it's a bad sign that he won't agree to go to counseling; I would think, if he knew he was right in thinking that YOUR behavior was out of line, that he would chomp at the bit to go to counseling to have someone else validate his perspective.
 
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