hurtfulgoodtimes

Some days I don't know if I have a husband or a father. I thought after we got married, he would calm down on his insecurities, I mean... Duh, we're married, I love him and would never cheat on him. I made vows I will not break, I moved out of state and away from my family just to be with him, but that wasn't enough.

When he and I first started dating, he had just broken up with his girlfriend who had cheated on him with a teenager. So, at first, I understood why he was very protective over me. He used to get jealous when I would be on the phone with female friends or family from my hometown. Luckily, he worked night shift so during the day he would sleep and I could call and talk to my friends in the morning/afternoon. When he would wake up around 7pm, I'd turn my phone off and be with him until he left for work. That seemed to have worked fine, until my step brother called me one evening he was home. My not-yet-husband was asleep, so I went outside to talk to him. About a few minutes later, he comes outside, yelling and screaming at me. He demanded he speak to whoever I was talking to, and when I told him who it was, he accused me of lying. Supposedly, he wasn't my step brother and some lover in a different state. Then he rushes in the house, calls my MOTHER to clarify the details and when everything checked out, he was fine. Everything calmed down for the next six months, and we got married.

After we said "I do", it got worse. He didn't want me to have a cell phone, he didn't want me on the computer, and if I were to use his grandmother's phone, he would ask her 50 questions about my conversation. We fought and fought for months on end about it, so I packed my stuff and left. I felt I was being controlled. As if he wanted to monitor and control every aspect of my life. When I went back home, I was only gone for ten days, before I came back. He promised and promised things would change. He blamed it on stress from work and "sexual frustration" (because we weren't being intimate as much due to his insanity!). That has been a year ago, and I've left and came back three times in total. I've tried everything to calm his insecurities, but nothing is working.

I have quit several jobs because of the accusations he makes up in his mind. I'm now working at his place of employment, which I hate. (We work the same hours, we drive there and back together... There's never a moment we're not together.) He throws a fit when I tell him I want to go back to school, he says I'm being selfish. Just a few weeks ago, he flipped out on me in the car because he saw me talking to a guy at work. Our machine was down at the time, and we were talking about a tv series I just started watching. Well, the H didn't like that too much and treated me like crap the rest of the night. Before we got home, he apologized and said he over reacted because he had a headache. When will these excuses end?

Am I wrong for being so frustrated? Am I missing something? Is it okay to give up all of your friends that he doesn't like, because he believes "they're a bad influence" on me? I've argued that I'm an adult, and am not easily influenced by others. Still, I had to stop talking to a best friend of mine because he threatened to divorce me if I didn't. I need advice, I don't know what to do.

JJG

No this is not ok, this is very controlling behaviour and by always going back to him you are telling him that you will accept this bad treatment.

I am one for trying everything possible before divorcing (and yes i do think that if he cannot address his issues this can only end in divorce).

I would suggest a very calm conversation with him where you list out everything that you will not accept in a marriage. Then let him know that you will be moving out and will only return when he can prove that he is working through his own problems (eg counselling). That way you are not leaving in the heat of the moment, it is a planned exit with a goal in sight for you both.

It is important that he knows that this is a deal breaker and that you will not stay in a marriage where you feel like a prisoner.

Halien

Unless you want to live life completely on his terms, you are going to have to tell him what you consider to be a fair compromise, and then be willing to stand your ground, even it it means separation. My suggestion would be to tell him that you will not accept more than casual questioning about your female friends, and not about the male family members, either. And he is to absolutely never interfere with your job unless he has evidence of your unfaithfulness. Call me pessimistic, but I don't think this is fixable without counseling on his part. The basic premise is that you expect the same level of trust that you give him.

PBear

You felt controlled because you are being controlled. Why are you thinking that he'll change? What reason does he have to change? Is he seeking any help through counseling or therapy? How about as a couple?

Doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result is a fool's game... And his behaviour is pretty textbook for an emotional abuser, as far as I've read.

To answer your questions, from my point of view... No, you're not wrong for being frustrated. What you're missing is that he's damaged in some way, and he's not being healed. Until that happens, you can probably expect the behaviour to stay the same or get worse. And no, it's not ok to demand that you give up all your friends.

C

hurtfulgoodtimes

I do agree that counseling would probably help. As a child, both his parents abandoned him and left him with his grandparents to raise. So every time I have left, he has said that I'm leaving him like his parents. Then I feel like the bad person, so I come back. I do love him and I want to be with him, but I feel that I should be able to balance friends and him. He wont let me have a girl's night out. He starts acting weird if he sees a guy leave something on my facebook. He simply doesn't trust me, even though he swears he does. I've never cheated on him, but we live in a small area with a big mouth. They don't have much to do besides start up rumors and scan the obituaries in the local paper.

I've asked him about seeing a counselor, and that went absolutely no where. The one time he agreed to it, but quickly backed away. He changes his mind so much, I just figured he'd eventually understand and see what's driving me nuts. This can't be normal, and I'm hoping one day for him to realize it.

Am I asking the impossible?

F-102

At first, I could understand the "no male friends" aspect, but the more I read, the more I see that he is an abusive man who is isolating you.

GET AWAY FROM HIM BEFORE THEY"RE READING ABOUT YOU IN THAT SMALL-TOWN PAPER!!!!

hurtfulgoodtimes

I don't think he'd ever kill me, F-102..At least hope not. He makes jokes about violent things, but I don't think he has the guts to do anything criminal. I never thought of it being that bad, honestly. There's no way to avoid a divorce? Because when things are good, they're good...but as soon as I mention hanging out with other people, that's when it goes south. Especially if it's someone he doesn't "trust".

DrWife

"I thought after we got married, he would calm down on his insecurities." I have no idea why people think someone will change for you once you are married! A ring does not have magical personality changing properties (I wish). A controlling insecure man is going to stay that way. I would advise marital counseling. Does he believe he has a problem or that he is being reasonable?

hurtfulgoodtimes

I didn't think he was going to magically change him. I figured he would realize that I do love him and it would finalize things, but I don't know why if I haven't cheated on him before, why would I start post-marriage...? But I don't think he believes he has a problem.. When I try to explain myself he puts up a wall and argues. The usual response is "I'm sorry for wanting to spend time with my wife." or something along those lines. =\

Jellybeans

You are married to a very controlling and insecure man. It will not get better. As you can see, it's escalated over time.

Your initial post describes how before you were married you'd wait for him to nap before calling any family members as a result of his accusations about what you discussed on the phone and with whom. The dynamic you are in probably started around there or right before, which is why you started to change your behavior and personality in order to placate him.

But that is neither here nor there.

The thing is: he doesn't trust you. You know that. So you need to decide wehther you want to live in a relationship where your partner does not trust you.

You can try counselling with him and talk to him about how you feel. But my bet is that isn't going to change anything at all.

I'm not trying to be cynical either. It's just I was in a relationship like that. It's maddening. Told me I couldn't have friends I did and that it was either my friends or him. I felt weird even meeting a girlfriend up for lunch because he would act like it was the end of the world. I never ever want to be in a relationship w/ someone liket hat again.

The dynamic is insane. I remember one time we were out together and someone befriended him (a man) and was telling ex and I about a restaurant to go to sometime down the street and he YELLED AT ME THE ENTIRE WAY HOME say8ing I must have liked the attention I got. When I barely said 2 words to the guy, it was someone who was talking to him.

Good luck.

Jellybeans

Of course he doesn't see he has a problem. Which is why he continues to do what he does. He knows when you leave him, you always come back. He can count on you to be there for him no matter what. It's a double standard, completely. He can do whatever he wants and accuse you of horrible things yet you are expected to adhere to his insecurities, no matter what. Then, if you bring up that your feelings are being hurt and are uspet by his behavior, he minimizes what you say and tries to play coy by saying he's sorry and "wants to spend time with" his wife. puts a little sugar on it after insulting you w/ his accussations.

My bet is he does a lot of other things too.

Does he have a lot of friends? What does your family say about him?

I have been you before. It sucks.

rikithemonk

You made a very bad decision. All the warning signs are clearly there and you married him anyway. Your only choice is divorce. You cant change a control freak.

Things will only get worse

Latigo

HGT,
Is there a line that your husband won't cross that you are aware of? At least insofar as his jealousy goes? I've seen some controlling people b4 and the ones you have lines they won't cross can usually be reasoned with. I had an uncle (may he rest in peace), who was literally accusing my aunt of cheating on him 'till the day he died. The stories I could tell you. He didn't have a line. He would do whatever he had to do to get his point across or get what he wanted. As an asides, I am reading alot of people warning you about what your husband could do to you. Which is a good thing. But, what they haven't warned you about is what you could do to him someday, if he pushes you too far. One day my aunt took a shot at my uncle! I pray it never comes to that in your case.

hurtfulgoodtimes

No no! I would never do anything to him. Yes, I've felt at sometimes, that if he keeps this up and pushes me too far that I'm not going to take it anymore. Then as soon I as I do, I feel so guilty for leaving. Things are good as long as he's okay, if he's not then we're not okay. He takes his anger out on me, either it be from work or family. I thought I would be smarter than this and stand up for what I want, but like I said, he makes me feel so selfish.

We fought earlier today, so since we only have one car, I asked him to take me to work for overtime. He didn't want to, and didn't want me taking the car and leaving him stranded at home. I couldn't go to work to calm down, I couldn't talk to anyone without him asking who I was talking (and what about), so I just went to sleep. I feel I am being isolated, because having friends is impossible. I can't hang out with anyone without him because I'm cheating...and my friends don't like him because he's like a gestapo.

There's no chance of change? I was really hoping to find a way to show him that I can have friends and him in my life. He has a lot of friends, but he doesn't want to hang out with them because he wants to be under me twenty four hours a day...It's getting annoying.

Latigo

It took my aunt 20 years of marriage b4 she pulled the gun out!!! That said, one way or another he needs to discover that he's not going to obliterate into a million pieces or die of humiliation if you were ever to cheat on him. That you are not his "mommy" abandoning him when he was a child. That he can live without you if it ever came to that. You can't teach him that. You've already done what you can do by reassuring him that you aren't/won't cheat on him. Some men will learn and change, some won't. Can't speak on the "friends" issue b/c I'm not down with my wife having male frieneds either. Although, I do like her to have female friends. I think women need that sort of thing. But, I digress. I've dealt with jealousy issues myself, so some of what I am telling you is from experience. Also, your husband may have an obsessive disorder.