General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am frustrated! My husband and I have been married almost 5 years and together 7. This is a second marriage for both of us. We have three teen sons from our previous marriages.
My husband is 51 and I'm 43. I am frustrated because my husband is never sexual with me anymore. When we were first dating, he was crazy about me and told me that he "craved" me. We had sex often and it was always hot and good. He is the one who pursued me, kept the relationship moving in a serious direction. When we moved in together and got engaged after a year, the sex was still good and relatively frequent (at least a few times a week) and I always made an effort to keep things exciting and fresh. We got married 2 years after dating, and I started noticing he seemed less and less interested in sex and I started noticing that I was doing almost all of the initiating. He had had a flirtation with a much younger woman at work before we got married, but nothing sexual and he ended it when I asked him to. In retrospect, I brushed it under the rug. Then 3 months after we were married, I found out he was having an emotional affair with some woman from work. This woman was nothing like me - she had lost custody of her two kids, was depressed, working medial jobs and was emotionally unstable. I have a great career, educated, nice family and friends, good person with good values.
My husband was drinking at the time, and he stopped the EA and the drinking around the same time. And even though he's been a much better husband for the past 3 years, he is still not very sexual with me. We have sex maybe once or twice a month. It is always intense and fully satisfying for both of us, but I have to initiate.
He is happy to snuggle on the couch with me, which I love, but how about some sexual touching? I would have sex every day, but I'm willing to settle for once a week.
I read stories of men who want more sex with their wives and I'm jealous! I am very adventurous and even though I've gained about 20 lbs.(as a result of all the stress in my marriage), I am still considered really pretty, sexy and just yesterday one two separate occasions, young and attractive guys were checking me out very obviously (I look young for my age). It felt good to be looked at with interest and yet it made me so sad because I want my husband to desire me. He says he does, and that he thinks I'm beautiful, but he doesn't back that up with actions.
Recently, when traveling for work, a 30 year old guy on the plane asked me for my business card and then texted me to see if I wanted to meet for coffee. I was very flattered and also scared that I was flattered and told my husband that I was worried about being so excited and flattered by this attention. He thanked me for being honest and I never responded to the guy and deleted his text.
I feel like all of my passion and vitality as a woman is being wasted. I feel like this is the time in my life to really enjoy my sexuality. I've introduced toys, fantasies, dressing up in the bedroom, etc. and my husband seems to like it in the moment, but I'm so demoralized by ALWAYS being the one to initiate, that I've finally stopped trying. He never says anything flirtatious or sexual to me.
He's seeing a therapist and is on AD meds. He has no mechanical/ED problems. We are also seeing a MC. Still, there is no improvement.
The other thing is that he doesn't really ask me out on dates, buy me little gifts, or do anything romantic, even though I've asked him many times to do so. He always says he will try harder and he is maybe more attentive for a few weeks then it drops back off, but he still never initiates sex.
I guess I just wanted to vent. Anyone ever had success overcoming this situation?
If he cant make an effort and is healthy etc and you have asked and asked and asked, then I would move on, as heartbreaking as that may be, because other wise you will be miserable.
I know myself very well and I know I would have to end it, because I need to feel wanted and loved and desired.
It shouldn't be hard for him to express those things to you, and to do nice little things for you, buy little gifts, compliment you and notice you. If its too much effort, he either has serious. issues he's not sharing with you or is very self absorbed.
It is tough. He is a good person. He helps around the house. He can be a really good listener. He is flexible and relatively easy-going. I have no doubt that he loves me, but I worry about the way he loves me....like I'm his best friend, instead of his best lover and friend. KWIM?
I just feel like he's holding back. I don't feel ready to leave yet....maybe because the upheaval of divorce is pretty overwhelming. But I do feel like my life is slipping away from me.
Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? About how you want the intimacy that sex brings? You're in MC; has that come up, and what's the result?
Nature plays a cruel trick on humans... The man's drive can decline after 40, while the woman's is just peaking. Would you be ok with scheduling sex once a week, just to make sure it's going to happen? Do that long enough to make it a habit or pattern. What happens if you initiate once a week? Can you forget (for now) about wanting him to initiate more often, and accept that perhaps you might have to do that? After all, the only person who's behaviour you really control is your own.
I've initiated for 5 years. I'm sick of it. It makes me feel like he's just doing it to placate me. How is that fun?
What really bothers me is what so many other guys have complained about on these boards - that their spouse does not seem to care how miserable they are making their partner by not trying to meet their needs.
Yes, I have talked to my husband over and over about the importance of sex in our marriage. We have talked about it in MC and my husband says he "doesn't know" why he doesn't initiate, want it more, etc.
I sometimes regret marrying someone 7 years older than me. He seems older than 51 to me these days. Meanwhile, I work out, have friends, a great job, look young and have a vibrant, fun personality.
My husband is in a rut. He eats the same things each week, follows the same routines, sleeps a lot, does yard work, etc. He has lost a lot of muscle tone because he never works out in spite of having a gym membership for the past 5 years. He has gotten really lax in the looks and self care department, too - bad breath, sloppy clothes. It's like he thinks he doesn't need to put any effort into looking good for me and being fun. I have gently asked him to make an effort....but no dice.
I sometimes regret marrying someone 7 years older than me. He seems older than 51 to me these days. Meanwhile, I work out, have friends, a great job, look young and have a vibrant, fun personality.
My husband is in a rut. He eats the same things each week, follows the same routines, sleeps a lot, does yard work, etc. He has lost a lot of muscle tone because he never works out in spite of having a gym membership for the past 5 years. He has gotten really lax in the looks and self care department, too - bad breath, sloppy clothes. It's like he thinks he doesn't need to put any effort into looking good for me and being fun. I have gently asked him to make an effort....but no dice.
So, what exactly kind of physical condition is your husband in? My H will be 50 in one month and is still in good condition. Have you gone down the path of having your H's testosterone and/or thyroid levels checked? Have you checked to ensure that the AD meds he is on don't impact his drive? Sleeping a lot seems like a red flag of some type. If he feels like he is slowing down just while you are picking up, that could also make him feel even more depressed and down about it.
We did have his testosterone and thyroids checked. I do think his AD meds don't help the situation, but he did admit that he's probably also holding back on sex due to commitment issues.
There is no easy solution. I just needed to vent.
I love my husband very much and accept him just the way he is. He's got a little belly now, his butt is much flatter, but I love and desire him just the same. But maybe he can't accept himself. Not sure.
The frustrating thing is that when we do have sex it is FANTASTIC and he has strong orgasms, as do I (maybe due to the infrequency!) but it just makes me want it more. And when things are good, they are great. But there are too many days that feel not so good.
I know a challenge with my wife, to put it candidly, is that she is completely passive in the bedroom. COMPLETELY. Apparently this is all she understands about intimacy, and it is such a "touchy" subject that I've never been able to make much progress trying to explain what my needs are. So over time I became disinterested because it wasn't working for me and I wasn't able to talk about my true feelings.
Do you feel that you understand what his needs/likes are in the bedroom and that you are making an effort to match his sexual style?
I think so. It's weird, because when we were dating, he was always all over me and we had lots of fun and would have spur of the moment sex and use creative positions, sneak off to do it, etc. I remember one time visiting him at work and he brought me into the elevator and was kissing me passionately and touching me everywhere. He was the aggressor while we were dating. Once we got married, he's been totally passive.
When we have sex, he seems really, really into it. He always gets hard and never has trouble coming. He's passionate and turned on and he has really great orgasms. But it's almost like he is using sex (or lack of it) to keep a rift between us. This past Christmas, he got me some sexy underwear and I was trying it on in our bathroom and he was still in bed. I caught him looking at me trying it on and he had a major hard on, but he never initiated sex. I sometimes wonder if the act of coming to me for sex makes him feel too vulnerable. But if I ask for it, he'll do it.
There was one time 3 weeks ago when he was getting ready for work that he initiated. We were watching tv and he starting touching my breasts/nipp les and we went upstairs for a quickie. I was shocked as hell, and thrilled. This was one of two times in about a year that he's initiated.
I tell him what I like and I encourage him to tell me what he likes, but he's not as communicative as I am. I like to talk dirty in bed, to use toys, try new positions and new locations to have sex. But am just happy making love, too. I wear heels and sexy lingerie sometimes, or short skirts with no undies to try to entice him. He doesn't take advantage and I know many guys would love it if their wives did these sorts of things.
I bought a new vibe about 4 months ago and when it was delivered, I told him I wanted to try it out. When we went to bed, I brought it into bed with us and I told him I just wanted to see what it felt like, and he told me he would prefer that I didn't. So I waited and tried it out alone.
Several months ago he expressed an interest in 69 while we were getting it on and so we've added that into the mix. I give him bjs almost every time we are together though he prefers to finish inside me. He also went through a pearl necklace phase for a while. I'm really up for anything at all with the exception of sharing him with another person or doing anything illegal. Otherwise, I am game.
I just get sick of the rejection. Today I said "We should have sex today sometime" and he said "Ummmm, I need to take a nap, but maybe after". This doesn't really show any enthusiasm and it's been 3 weeks since we've had it. And for the record I have turned him down for sex maybe once in the entire time we have been married.
He behaved the same way when I was 20 lbs thinner. Its not my weight. I am still very sexy and attractive from what I've been told. My husband has also gained weight and lost a lot of muscle tone but I still love and accept him and still want him. He doesn't need a perfect body so why should I? Posted via Mobile Device
I want him to want me!!! 
You don't deserve to be treated that way.
