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What is your "arguing style w your spouse or partner?" Need advice!

1K views 10 replies 6 participants last post by  WandaJ 
#1 · (Edited)
Hey everyone!:) Well....first of all I am new to the site! I found it in my search for help. My husband and I are a bit rocky right now and I thought it might do us some good to hear what our peers have to say! This looks like a great site and I am looking forward to hearing from all of you!:smthumbup:

As for my issue (and i apologize ahead of time, as i am a bit wordy in my posts esspeically when i am upset!) First off.....as you know, you clicked on "What is your arguing style?" :confused: I chose that title because in additon to looking for advice abt my own arguing style as well as my husbands, I am also very interested in knowing how each of you argue with your spouse or partner? Are you calm, cool and talk it out collectively? Do you or your spouse get heated? Tempers? Temper tantrums? Loving or spiteful? Name calling? Compromise or one over the other? What pushes your buttons? What pushes his or her buttons? How often do you argue? What else? Anything???? I would love to find out how you and your spouse relate to one another in comparison to how my own husband and i relate to one another! Which brings me to the issue at hand!

(By the way)...I am KellySue! I have been married for 12 years. Things began to get rocky btwn us pretty early on in the marraige. Id say about 2 years in. It really wasnt either of our faults but if i had to choose id say its more my fault than his.

Long story short....I was raised by an extreme alcoholic father and a very emotionally absent mother. Growing up, there was very little display of love and affection in my household and on top of that my dad was verbally abusive at times and my mother was very cold and unappoachable. She never validated our feelings or displayed any kind of understanding. When i did something good....it was down played and when i did something bad....it was magnified, so basically I was always treated like I couldnt do anything right, and i was so far from my moms favorite i always had to wonder if she ever loved me at all.

On top of that, while my dad was in fact an affectionate person...he was also a major alcoholic for as long as i can remember and my mother was rarely affectionate with my siblings and I OR my dad, so in essence, my parents did a great job of teaching me how NOT to love someone and how to be absent and cold, but beyond that...I didnt have much to go on.

It was by the grace of God that I atleast knew I didnt want to treat my kids the way my mom treated me and so I have wonderful relationships w both of my girls. However, I was unable to do the same in regards to my marraige, so most of my marraige has been very emotionally absent and somewhat cold at times, which of course causes adverse reactions, behaviors and resentent on my husbands part.

In the 12 years we have been together, I have only just begun to further explore my own role in the failure of our marraige. Ive always thought that bc i wasnt "hurting" anyone with my absent emotional state or my fear of rejection (and therefor unaffectionate state as well), that it cant possibly be my fault. He was the one with the controlling, manipulative and exessively needy behaviors...not me, so how could it possibly be me?


Well last year i took a class on Group Dynamics and we learned alot about our family of origin and how they affect who we are as adults and my world came crashing down. So I began working on my own issues. However it really wasnt going well as i was deeply hurt from my new found realization about how much my parents really had impacted my entire life, that it was hard to concentrate on my marraige at that point.

Well, October rolls around and I had to hear from my 15 year old that my husband was having intimate conversations with another woman. I was absolutely devestated, but at the same time I knew why he was doing it. He lacked so much from our relationship that he felt he had to get it somewhere else, so i forgave him and as time went on we healed and we became a better couple for it, in alot of ways. We agreed to start over. I forced myself to get over the fear of rejection my parents had instilled deep inside me, and I learned how to be a more affectionate, loving and understanding person. I began doing all the things i had not done much of up until that point.


However, hubby and I have always had some disagreement where our kids are concerned. I think hes to hard on them and he thinks im to soft. Well, as my oldest daughter started coming into her own, i realized what an amazing person she is growing up to be and figured that we must be doing SOMETHING right, so I laid off of him for a while. Well all the sudden now, when i disagree with him about our kids he wont even hear me out, much less compromise.

Furthermore, he actually gets MAD at me for expressing my opinion to him. Its his way or the highway and both of us having a bit of a temper at times....things usually do not end up well.
So over the past 2 months we have gotten more and more heated and now things are to the point where we are both getting very spiteful, calling one another TERRIBLE names, purposely pushing eachothers buttons and screaming at the top of our lungs. Yet obviously getting zero resolve.
The more it happens the worse it gets.

Now, all of this isnt exactly new to us, as we have argued like this in the past, before we agreed to start anew, but since the new point this is a first and im just not sure i can handle it anymore. It got so bad before, that I left him or asked him to leave several times and i just cant do that anymore. Its gotten to the point once again where I am asking him to leave and it feels like a broken record. Its not, and never has been bc i dont love him. I do. But the dynamics of our relationship have just been rocky for far to long, and i feel like a broken record! I often wonder if we are going to end up in divorce and always have. Now its been TWELVE years and if we divorce, of course we are both going to feel like we wasted those years being unhappy most the time w the wrong person and I feel like we are down to the nitty gritty. Like its now or never and i dont know what to do.

I dont want to treat our marraige like its disposable but how do i make it work with someone who screams at my child like a dog nearly every day for something as petty as not doing her chores or not doing them well enough for HIS standards, amongst other super petty things. I feel my child is being disrespected and so does she. All he would have to do is go about it a different way, but instead he goes straight to yelling like a banchie and then justifies it by accusing her of rarely, if ever doing her chores correctly, when most of the time i look around and see a job well done. What more can you expect from a 15 year old???

I just dont want him to mess with my little girls head in the same way my parents actions, or lack there of, messed with mine and Im so afraid that this is whats happening. I dont feel it is too much to ask for him to actually LISTEN to me when i express myself to him nicely and to consider them when he reacts to our daughter and I dont believe she ever deserves to be yelled at like that when she is rarely that far out of line.


So anyway....unfortunately, our arguing style is heated, spiteful, name calling, LOUD and all it would take is one more step to become violent even.....NOT GOOD. (we have never actually gotten violent, I just wanted to relay how very nasty we get with one another).


So please....tell me about your own arguing styles and give me your 2 cents! Weather it be advice, opinions, constructive critisism or whatever. It is much appreciated! Thanks for listening to my incredibly long winded rant by the way! :rant:

Now lets hope i did this right!! lol
 
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#2 ·
Suggestion: I realize you need to pour things out right now, but if you would edit your post to break up your sentences into shorter paragraphs, it would be far easier for us to read.

Thanks! I hope we can be of help here.
 
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#4 ·
I don't consider him my partner anymore as I'm moving out next month, but our arguing style is much like yours.

You two need counseling. Have you ever received it?
 
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#7 ·
Kelly Sue..for starters.. if you've never heard of Gottman's conflict styles.. taken from this thread... (sounds from your ending here.. you are falling into HOSTILE territory)..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ead-4-types-5-1-ratio-marriage-conflicts.html

Dealing with Conflict in Marriage: Four Types of Couples..

Where do you fit as a couple..maybe you are combination of these styles ... one a volatile starter married to a conflict avoidant -how does this play out...if you don't mind sharing?



Couples perceptions, thoughts, values, and feelings influence how they interpret conflict situations, and can strongly shape the outcomes of conflicts. However, the three elements of conflict, issue, relationship, and emotion, must be dealt with if the conflict is to be resolved. The way that couples respond to interpersonal conflicts could either be constructive or destructive to their relationships.

The 5 to 1 Ratio in Marriage Conflicts

According to John Gottman, marriage relationship researcher, negative interactions are balanced by positive ones in stable marriages. The dynamics of the balance between negativity and positivity are what separate contented couples from discontented ones.....

1. Volatile Couples

For volatile couples, conflicts erupt easily, and are fought on grand scale, but of course, making up is even greater! These couples have passionate disputes, and frequent and passionate arguments.

According to Gottman, while volatile fight openly, they argue with a lot of wit, display fondness for each other, and have a great time making up. It seems that their volcanic arguments are just a small part of their warm and loving relationship.

It appears that passion and fighting lead to better relationships which include making up, laughing, and affection. So despite the level of their argument, they still resolve their differences.

Volatile couples see themselves as equals, and exhibit individuality and independence in their marriage. They are open with each other about their positive and negative feelings, and their marriages tend to be passionate and exciting.

Gottman’s research indicates that their frequent arguments are balanced out by their positive interactions such as touching, smiling, paying complements, and laughing, and so on. So these couples stick together for the long haul.

2. Validating Couples

Couples who are validators, fight more politely. They are calmer during conflicts, and behave like collaborators as they work through their problems. These couples often compromise, and seek to work out their problems steadily for mutually satisfying results. The mutual respect that they have for each other, limits the amount and level of their arguments.

The emphasis is on communication and compromise, so even if they have heated discussion, they validate each other. They do this by expressing empathy for, and understanding each other’s point of view. Very evident, is their display of care, calm, and self-control even when they discussing hot topics.

Validating couples try to persuade their partners, and find a common ground in the end. During conflict, they let each other know they value their opinions, and see their emotions as legitimate. In disagreement, validating couples, let their partners know they still consider their feelings, even though they don’t necessarily agree with their position.

3. Conflict-Avoiding Couples

Conflict-avoiding couples rarely argue, and it seems that they avoid confrontation at all cost. When they discuss their conflicts they do so mildly and carefully, as they don’t feel that there is much to be gained from getting openly angry with each other.

These couples agree to disagree, and rarely confront their differences, that could end up in deadlocked discussions. According to Gottman, conflict-avoiding couples believe that their common ground and values are much greater than their differences, and this makes their differences insignificant or easy to accept.

These couples have an avoidant style of marriage, so rather than discussing a conflict with their partners, some spouse often try to fix the situation on their own, or hope that with the passage of time the problems will work themselves out.

4. Hostile Couples...


Hostile couples argue often and hotly, and their arguments are caustic and harmful. Insults, putdowns, and sarcasms prevail when they argue. These couples fail to maintain the 5 to 1 ratio of positivity to negativity in their conflicts, and there is clearly more negative than positive in the relationships.

Hostile couples’ discussions are characterized by too much criticisms, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal. Their communication is unhealthy, they don’t listen to what each other is saying, and conflicts are dangerous to their relationships.

Some hostile couples try to actively address their disagreements, but this is usually ineffective. Others remain more detached, uninvolved, and critical of each other, with brief spurts of attack and defensiveness. These couples are meaner to each other than the other three types of couples..
 
#8 ·
I am a typical male -- I go from low emotion to upset very quickly. That is something I am very aware of. I raise my voice, something that upsets my wife even more and she will accuse me of being too angry simply by that, even if I am not to that point -- which 99% of the time I am not to that point.

I learned several years ago to pause as we get into a heated discussion. My wife HATES that. However, it gives me a chance to come down as well as slowing the argument down to something more manageable. There are times where I will pause AND tell my wife that I am leaving the room for a moment, that I am going to be back because I want us to get everything out in the open.

It works but unfortunately, there are pride issues on both sides of the fence as well as a lot of unresolved issues that built up years ago, before we both learned to discuss reasonably.
 
#10 ·
Thank you so much for breaking your post into paragraphs.

You are what we call in Al-Anon an ACoA - "Adult Child of an Alcoholic." I don't think any of us who have been affected by having an addict in the family realize how far-reaching the affects can be.

I grew up in a family of addicts. Not everyone goes on to marry one, but oftentimes, the way we relate lingers into other relationships. Me? I married two alcoholics. Guess I wasn't smart enough to learn the first time around ...

Do you feel some residual feelings and ways of behaving in your family of origin have followed you into your marriage? I'm not trying to lay blame on you; after all, your husband is a participant too.

My arguing "style" with two alcoholics was nothing more than an exercise in futility. It was also quite insane. Just like my family of origin, where I had two parents who were addicts.

Would your husband be willing to enter counseling with you?
 
#11 ·
Hey everyone!:) So anyway....unfortunately, our arguing style is heated, spiteful, name calling, LOUD and all it would take is one more step to become violent even.....NOT GOOD. (we have never actually gotten violent, I just wanted to relay how very nasty we get with one another).


So please....tell me about your own arguing styles and give me your 2 cents! Weather it be advice, opinions, constructive critisism or whatever. It is much appreciated! Thanks for listening to my incredibly long winded rant by the way! :rant:

Now lets hope i did this right!! lol
Not good. You are destined either for divorce or life in misery. Unless you can change it but I doubt it, after twelve years this behavior becomes part of your dynamic and you both are getting pulled into it and feed from it.

Talking from my own experience.
 
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