Hey everyone! Well....first of all I am new to the site! I found it in my search for help. My husband and I are a bit rocky right now and I thought it might do us some good to hear what our peers have to say! This looks like a great site and I am looking forward to hearing from all of you!:smthumbup:
As for my issue (and i apologize ahead of time, as i am a bit wordy in my posts esspeically when i am upset!) First off.....as you know, you clicked on "What is your arguing style?" I chose that title because in additon to looking for advice abt my own arguing style as well as my husbands, I am also very interested in knowing how each of you argue with your spouse or partner? Are you calm, cool and talk it out collectively? Do you or your spouse get heated? Tempers? Temper tantrums? Loving or spiteful? Name calling? Compromise or one over the other? What pushes your buttons? What pushes his or her buttons? How often do you argue? What else? Anything???? I would love to find out how you and your spouse relate to one another in comparison to how my own husband and i relate to one another! Which brings me to the issue at hand!
(By the way)...I am KellySue! I have been married for 12 years. Things began to get rocky btwn us pretty early on in the marraige. Id say about 2 years in. It really wasnt either of our faults but if i had to choose id say its more my fault than his.
Long story short....I was raised by an extreme alcoholic father and a very emotionally absent mother. Growing up, there was very little display of love and affection in my household and on top of that my dad was verbally abusive at times and my mother was very cold and unappoachable. She never validated our feelings or displayed any kind of understanding. When i did something good....it was down played and when i did something bad....it was magnified, so basically I was always treated like I couldnt do anything right, and i was so far from my moms favorite i always had to wonder if she ever loved me at all.
On top of that, while my dad was in fact an affectionate person...he was also a major alcoholic for as long as i can remember and my mother was rarely affectionate with my siblings and I OR my dad, so in essence, my parents did a great job of teaching me how NOT to love someone and how to be absent and cold, but beyond that...I didnt have much to go on.
It was by the grace of God that I atleast knew I didnt want to treat my kids the way my mom treated me and so I have wonderful relationships w both of my girls. However, I was unable to do the same in regards to my marraige, so most of my marraige has been very emotionally absent and somewhat cold at times, which of course causes adverse reactions, behaviors and resentent on my husbands part.
In the 12 years we have been together, I have only just begun to further explore my own role in the failure of our marraige. Ive always thought that bc i wasnt "hurting" anyone with my absent emotional state or my fear of rejection (and therefor unaffectionate state as well), that it cant possibly be my fault. He was the one with the controlling, manipulative and exessively needy behaviors...not me, so how could it possibly be me?
Well last year i took a class on Group Dynamics and we learned alot about our family of origin and how they affect who we are as adults and my world came crashing down. So I began working on my own issues. However it really wasnt going well as i was deeply hurt from my new found realization about how much my parents really had impacted my entire life, that it was hard to concentrate on my marraige at that point.
Well, October rolls around and I had to hear from my 15 year old that my husband was having intimate conversations with another woman. I was absolutely devestated, but at the same time I knew why he was doing it. He lacked so much from our relationship that he felt he had to get it somewhere else, so i forgave him and as time went on we healed and we became a better couple for it, in alot of ways. We agreed to start over. I forced myself to get over the fear of rejection my parents had instilled deep inside me, and I learned how to be a more affectionate, loving and understanding person. I began doing all the things i had not done much of up until that point.
However, hubby and I have always had some disagreement where our kids are concerned. I think hes to hard on them and he thinks im to soft. Well, as my oldest daughter started coming into her own, i realized what an amazing person she is growing up to be and figured that we must be doing SOMETHING right, so I laid off of him for a while. Well all the sudden now, when i disagree with him about our kids he wont even hear me out, much less compromise.
Furthermore, he actually gets MAD at me for expressing my opinion to him. Its his way or the highway and both of us having a bit of a temper at times....things usually do not end up well.
So over the past 2 months we have gotten more and more heated and now things are to the point where we are both getting very spiteful, calling one another TERRIBLE names, purposely pushing eachothers buttons and screaming at the top of our lungs. Yet obviously getting zero resolve.
The more it happens the worse it gets.
Now, all of this isnt exactly new to us, as we have argued like this in the past, before we agreed to start anew, but since the new point this is a first and im just not sure i can handle it anymore. It got so bad before, that I left him or asked him to leave several times and i just cant do that anymore. Its gotten to the point once again where I am asking him to leave and it feels like a broken record. Its not, and never has been bc i dont love him. I do. But the dynamics of our relationship have just been rocky for far to long, and i feel like a broken record! I often wonder if we are going to end up in divorce and always have. Now its been TWELVE years and if we divorce, of course we are both going to feel like we wasted those years being unhappy most the time w the wrong person and I feel like we are down to the nitty gritty. Like its now or never and i dont know what to do.
I dont want to treat our marraige like its disposable but how do i make it work with someone who screams at my child like a dog nearly every day for something as petty as not doing her chores or not doing them well enough for HIS standards, amongst other super petty things. I feel my child is being disrespected and so does she. All he would have to do is go about it a different way, but instead he goes straight to yelling like a banchie and then justifies it by accusing her of rarely, if ever doing her chores correctly, when most of the time i look around and see a job well done. What more can you expect from a 15 year old???
I just dont want him to mess with my little girls head in the same way my parents actions, or lack there of, messed with mine and Im so afraid that this is whats happening. I dont feel it is too much to ask for him to actually LISTEN to me when i express myself to him nicely and to consider them when he reacts to our daughter and I dont believe she ever deserves to be yelled at like that when she is rarely that far out of line.
So anyway....unfortunately, our arguing style is heated, spiteful, name calling, LOUD and all it would take is one more step to become violent even.....NOT GOOD. (we have never actually gotten violent, I just wanted to relay how very nasty we get with one another).
So please....tell me about your own arguing styles and give me your 2 cents! Weather it be advice, opinions, constructive critisism or whatever. It is much appreciated! Thanks for listening to my incredibly long winded rant by the way! :rant:
Now lets hope i did this right!! lol
As for my issue (and i apologize ahead of time, as i am a bit wordy in my posts esspeically when i am upset!) First off.....as you know, you clicked on "What is your arguing style?" I chose that title because in additon to looking for advice abt my own arguing style as well as my husbands, I am also very interested in knowing how each of you argue with your spouse or partner? Are you calm, cool and talk it out collectively? Do you or your spouse get heated? Tempers? Temper tantrums? Loving or spiteful? Name calling? Compromise or one over the other? What pushes your buttons? What pushes his or her buttons? How often do you argue? What else? Anything???? I would love to find out how you and your spouse relate to one another in comparison to how my own husband and i relate to one another! Which brings me to the issue at hand!
(By the way)...I am KellySue! I have been married for 12 years. Things began to get rocky btwn us pretty early on in the marraige. Id say about 2 years in. It really wasnt either of our faults but if i had to choose id say its more my fault than his.
Long story short....I was raised by an extreme alcoholic father and a very emotionally absent mother. Growing up, there was very little display of love and affection in my household and on top of that my dad was verbally abusive at times and my mother was very cold and unappoachable. She never validated our feelings or displayed any kind of understanding. When i did something good....it was down played and when i did something bad....it was magnified, so basically I was always treated like I couldnt do anything right, and i was so far from my moms favorite i always had to wonder if she ever loved me at all.
On top of that, while my dad was in fact an affectionate person...he was also a major alcoholic for as long as i can remember and my mother was rarely affectionate with my siblings and I OR my dad, so in essence, my parents did a great job of teaching me how NOT to love someone and how to be absent and cold, but beyond that...I didnt have much to go on.
It was by the grace of God that I atleast knew I didnt want to treat my kids the way my mom treated me and so I have wonderful relationships w both of my girls. However, I was unable to do the same in regards to my marraige, so most of my marraige has been very emotionally absent and somewhat cold at times, which of course causes adverse reactions, behaviors and resentent on my husbands part.
In the 12 years we have been together, I have only just begun to further explore my own role in the failure of our marraige. Ive always thought that bc i wasnt "hurting" anyone with my absent emotional state or my fear of rejection (and therefor unaffectionate state as well), that it cant possibly be my fault. He was the one with the controlling, manipulative and exessively needy behaviors...not me, so how could it possibly be me?
Well last year i took a class on Group Dynamics and we learned alot about our family of origin and how they affect who we are as adults and my world came crashing down. So I began working on my own issues. However it really wasnt going well as i was deeply hurt from my new found realization about how much my parents really had impacted my entire life, that it was hard to concentrate on my marraige at that point.
Well, October rolls around and I had to hear from my 15 year old that my husband was having intimate conversations with another woman. I was absolutely devestated, but at the same time I knew why he was doing it. He lacked so much from our relationship that he felt he had to get it somewhere else, so i forgave him and as time went on we healed and we became a better couple for it, in alot of ways. We agreed to start over. I forced myself to get over the fear of rejection my parents had instilled deep inside me, and I learned how to be a more affectionate, loving and understanding person. I began doing all the things i had not done much of up until that point.
However, hubby and I have always had some disagreement where our kids are concerned. I think hes to hard on them and he thinks im to soft. Well, as my oldest daughter started coming into her own, i realized what an amazing person she is growing up to be and figured that we must be doing SOMETHING right, so I laid off of him for a while. Well all the sudden now, when i disagree with him about our kids he wont even hear me out, much less compromise.
Furthermore, he actually gets MAD at me for expressing my opinion to him. Its his way or the highway and both of us having a bit of a temper at times....things usually do not end up well.
So over the past 2 months we have gotten more and more heated and now things are to the point where we are both getting very spiteful, calling one another TERRIBLE names, purposely pushing eachothers buttons and screaming at the top of our lungs. Yet obviously getting zero resolve.
The more it happens the worse it gets.
Now, all of this isnt exactly new to us, as we have argued like this in the past, before we agreed to start anew, but since the new point this is a first and im just not sure i can handle it anymore. It got so bad before, that I left him or asked him to leave several times and i just cant do that anymore. Its gotten to the point once again where I am asking him to leave and it feels like a broken record. Its not, and never has been bc i dont love him. I do. But the dynamics of our relationship have just been rocky for far to long, and i feel like a broken record! I often wonder if we are going to end up in divorce and always have. Now its been TWELVE years and if we divorce, of course we are both going to feel like we wasted those years being unhappy most the time w the wrong person and I feel like we are down to the nitty gritty. Like its now or never and i dont know what to do.
I dont want to treat our marraige like its disposable but how do i make it work with someone who screams at my child like a dog nearly every day for something as petty as not doing her chores or not doing them well enough for HIS standards, amongst other super petty things. I feel my child is being disrespected and so does she. All he would have to do is go about it a different way, but instead he goes straight to yelling like a banchie and then justifies it by accusing her of rarely, if ever doing her chores correctly, when most of the time i look around and see a job well done. What more can you expect from a 15 year old???
I just dont want him to mess with my little girls head in the same way my parents actions, or lack there of, messed with mine and Im so afraid that this is whats happening. I dont feel it is too much to ask for him to actually LISTEN to me when i express myself to him nicely and to consider them when he reacts to our daughter and I dont believe she ever deserves to be yelled at like that when she is rarely that far out of line.
So anyway....unfortunately, our arguing style is heated, spiteful, name calling, LOUD and all it would take is one more step to become violent even.....NOT GOOD. (we have never actually gotten violent, I just wanted to relay how very nasty we get with one another).
So please....tell me about your own arguing styles and give me your 2 cents! Weather it be advice, opinions, constructive critisism or whatever. It is much appreciated! Thanks for listening to my incredibly long winded rant by the way! :rant:
Now lets hope i did this right!! lol