I have spent the last week trying to make sense of a situation and maybe just get some peace of mind that I am not losing my mind.
Last Sunday, my husband moved out while I was grocery shopping. There was a situation that was the "straw that broke the camels back" but there are so many things involved in this decision.
A little information. I'm 43, he's 34. Known each other 12 years, best friends for 9, together for 6, married 3 1/2 We were best friends for about 3 years prior to entering into a relationship. I was married but had a long (5 year) separation prior to my first divorce. My current husband and I worked together and after a few years of working together had a group of friends we all hung out with and a very special friendship developed. Everything between us was totally platonic until the night of my divorce when he came to me and told me that he had feelings of love for me. He told me that morally he couldn't approach me until my divorce because he couldn't be involved with someone while there was a marriage, even if it was over. I've known him through 3 other relationships and he is not a cheater. That is not even a thought.
Some additional helpful information. My husband is a musician and a very independent man. Never lived with a woman until he moved in with me (even though he had long term relationships). It was well known going into a relationship with him that his desire for time and space to work on his music was a priority. I am a very independent woman and had no issues with this. He is very talented, creative, has many ambitions and is a free spirited type. I have 2 adult kids from my first marriage, he has no kids and never wanted kids. My daughter has been a huge issue to us for years. She cannot get her life together long enough to take care of her kids, keep a place to live, pay bills, be independent. She brings her issues into my house (and I have allowed that to happen). The ONLY hesitation that my husband had in marrying me was the way my daughter affects me and emotionally controls me.
In the last 3 years we have been living in my parents house. They have 2 homes and are at this house about 5 months of the year and in another state 7 months of the year. We moved here after i sold my home and we were trying to figure out our next step. During this time he wasn't working and we couldn't afford to move into something so we sacrificed a lot of our independence for this financial decision. He was spending his time trying to make his band successful. after about 2 1/2 years of him not working, the financial stresses were causing major issues and he had to go out and get a job. During that time things slipped with his band and eventually it fell apart. Also, it needs to be noted that during that time he lost his creative space in the home so he wasn't able to do as much as he had in the past.
In the last 2 months, my daughter was evicted from her house, her car was repossessed, the grandkids moved in with us (my daughter is not allowed to live here). in the last 8 months my dad had major back surgery, my mom had open heart surgery, they were here more in the last year than they have been in the last 3 years. The agreement we had (my husband and I) was that he would never spend another night in the same house as my daughter. Well last weekend, my daughter calls me crying that her and her BF broke up, had a physical altercation, she was very upset and since she was staying with him and his family, she had to leave and had nowhere to go. Her dad was on vacation out of state as was all other family members on that side (whole family was out of state) so she came to me. I decided to let her stay one night. Before I told her she could, i told my husband i was thinking of letting her stay one night because she was really upset and didn't want to be alone and then i was taking her to the shelter the next day. He didn't say anything. The next day he moved out while i was shopping and texted me to tell me that he isn't the one to raise the grandkids with me, he isn't the one to stay in this house and work through all these issues, and he told me if she stayed one more time he was gone and he was sticking to his word.
He has sighted many things that lead to him leaving but after 2 VERY long talks in the last week (2 talks of 4 1/2 hours or more each), he has sighted that all the individual situations in the house have weighed on him, but ultimately he feels that he has lost his feeling of drive, ambition and sight completely of who he is and he needs to find out who he is again and what he wants in life. Initially when we got together we had discussed taking 1 or 2 years and moving to a big city for him to pursue his music. Then the grandkids came along and it was harder for me to think of leaving. He feels he has compromised so much of who he is to fit into this box of who 'we' are that he doesn't even know himself. He also acknowledges that he only has so many years left to try to live his music dreams and doesn't feel he can put it off anymore.
After our talk on Saturday, he says he loves me, says he cares deeply for me and misses me terribly (we had a good relationship with many endearing times, just so many situations) but he feels that he needs this time to figure things out, focus on who he is before he can even address if we can be together. He says he doesn't want me to compromise who i am just to be with him. Also, i still have the grandkids and my grandson needs behavior therapy, speech therapy, counseling and my daughter needs a lot of emotional counseling to get to a point that she can be a mom again. I also need to come to terms with all the help that i've given my daughter has only inhibited her ability to be an adult and cut that tie. These things need to happen in life in general for me, and if he and i can ever reconcile. During this time he is seeking out his music again, trying to start a new band, looking at career paths that he can take to make money in the music scene (marketing, engineering, live sound/lights), get himself back to who he is and in 14-16 months know if he wants to stay in our state or branch out. Then, once he has his stuff figured out and i have my stuff figured out, we can see if we can be anything to each other.
He wants this time right now (we have no time frames, it's based on feelings) to be mostly no contact because he says he is so set on figuring him out that focusing on anything else only takes from that. He's currently living with his mom but they are looking in the next 2 months to move into another place together so he has a space to work on his music. I am still living in my parents house with the grandkids. He doesn't want to talk about divorce right now. He said he can't even think about that it's too soon to know. He also wants us to keep our financials together (cells, bills, etc) and we've already discussed the payment aspect of those. We are in agreement that there will be no outside dating/relationships, which i believe him on his side of it because part of this is him figuring out if having someone in his life can even fit into what he is trying to do, besides i have known him through very bad relationships, he's never cheated, and he spent about 4 years single and didn't even have casual relationships during that time. He isn't driven by fear of being alone, he is driven by craving time alone to be creative and write/compose/record music.
My big fear and what i am seeking help with is to know if a no contact separation still allows people to have a fondness feeling of each other. I know he loves me. He has always been very respectful of me, never yelled at me, never ever tried to control me. I do believe from what i know of him that his intentions and reasons are very pure and true. I just worry if purposely pushing out communication is healthy and can result in still feeling fondly for another person. He told me that if he had a dollar every time he wanted to reach out to me the last week he'd be a rich man, but he doesn't want to muddy things and take away from the mission he set out on.
Any thoughts, experiences on the No Contact separation would be appreciated. Sorry it's long but wanted to put as much insight so there would be less questions.
Last Sunday, my husband moved out while I was grocery shopping. There was a situation that was the "straw that broke the camels back" but there are so many things involved in this decision.
A little information. I'm 43, he's 34. Known each other 12 years, best friends for 9, together for 6, married 3 1/2 We were best friends for about 3 years prior to entering into a relationship. I was married but had a long (5 year) separation prior to my first divorce. My current husband and I worked together and after a few years of working together had a group of friends we all hung out with and a very special friendship developed. Everything between us was totally platonic until the night of my divorce when he came to me and told me that he had feelings of love for me. He told me that morally he couldn't approach me until my divorce because he couldn't be involved with someone while there was a marriage, even if it was over. I've known him through 3 other relationships and he is not a cheater. That is not even a thought.
Some additional helpful information. My husband is a musician and a very independent man. Never lived with a woman until he moved in with me (even though he had long term relationships). It was well known going into a relationship with him that his desire for time and space to work on his music was a priority. I am a very independent woman and had no issues with this. He is very talented, creative, has many ambitions and is a free spirited type. I have 2 adult kids from my first marriage, he has no kids and never wanted kids. My daughter has been a huge issue to us for years. She cannot get her life together long enough to take care of her kids, keep a place to live, pay bills, be independent. She brings her issues into my house (and I have allowed that to happen). The ONLY hesitation that my husband had in marrying me was the way my daughter affects me and emotionally controls me.
In the last 3 years we have been living in my parents house. They have 2 homes and are at this house about 5 months of the year and in another state 7 months of the year. We moved here after i sold my home and we were trying to figure out our next step. During this time he wasn't working and we couldn't afford to move into something so we sacrificed a lot of our independence for this financial decision. He was spending his time trying to make his band successful. after about 2 1/2 years of him not working, the financial stresses were causing major issues and he had to go out and get a job. During that time things slipped with his band and eventually it fell apart. Also, it needs to be noted that during that time he lost his creative space in the home so he wasn't able to do as much as he had in the past.
In the last 2 months, my daughter was evicted from her house, her car was repossessed, the grandkids moved in with us (my daughter is not allowed to live here). in the last 8 months my dad had major back surgery, my mom had open heart surgery, they were here more in the last year than they have been in the last 3 years. The agreement we had (my husband and I) was that he would never spend another night in the same house as my daughter. Well last weekend, my daughter calls me crying that her and her BF broke up, had a physical altercation, she was very upset and since she was staying with him and his family, she had to leave and had nowhere to go. Her dad was on vacation out of state as was all other family members on that side (whole family was out of state) so she came to me. I decided to let her stay one night. Before I told her she could, i told my husband i was thinking of letting her stay one night because she was really upset and didn't want to be alone and then i was taking her to the shelter the next day. He didn't say anything. The next day he moved out while i was shopping and texted me to tell me that he isn't the one to raise the grandkids with me, he isn't the one to stay in this house and work through all these issues, and he told me if she stayed one more time he was gone and he was sticking to his word.
He has sighted many things that lead to him leaving but after 2 VERY long talks in the last week (2 talks of 4 1/2 hours or more each), he has sighted that all the individual situations in the house have weighed on him, but ultimately he feels that he has lost his feeling of drive, ambition and sight completely of who he is and he needs to find out who he is again and what he wants in life. Initially when we got together we had discussed taking 1 or 2 years and moving to a big city for him to pursue his music. Then the grandkids came along and it was harder for me to think of leaving. He feels he has compromised so much of who he is to fit into this box of who 'we' are that he doesn't even know himself. He also acknowledges that he only has so many years left to try to live his music dreams and doesn't feel he can put it off anymore.
After our talk on Saturday, he says he loves me, says he cares deeply for me and misses me terribly (we had a good relationship with many endearing times, just so many situations) but he feels that he needs this time to figure things out, focus on who he is before he can even address if we can be together. He says he doesn't want me to compromise who i am just to be with him. Also, i still have the grandkids and my grandson needs behavior therapy, speech therapy, counseling and my daughter needs a lot of emotional counseling to get to a point that she can be a mom again. I also need to come to terms with all the help that i've given my daughter has only inhibited her ability to be an adult and cut that tie. These things need to happen in life in general for me, and if he and i can ever reconcile. During this time he is seeking out his music again, trying to start a new band, looking at career paths that he can take to make money in the music scene (marketing, engineering, live sound/lights), get himself back to who he is and in 14-16 months know if he wants to stay in our state or branch out. Then, once he has his stuff figured out and i have my stuff figured out, we can see if we can be anything to each other.
He wants this time right now (we have no time frames, it's based on feelings) to be mostly no contact because he says he is so set on figuring him out that focusing on anything else only takes from that. He's currently living with his mom but they are looking in the next 2 months to move into another place together so he has a space to work on his music. I am still living in my parents house with the grandkids. He doesn't want to talk about divorce right now. He said he can't even think about that it's too soon to know. He also wants us to keep our financials together (cells, bills, etc) and we've already discussed the payment aspect of those. We are in agreement that there will be no outside dating/relationships, which i believe him on his side of it because part of this is him figuring out if having someone in his life can even fit into what he is trying to do, besides i have known him through very bad relationships, he's never cheated, and he spent about 4 years single and didn't even have casual relationships during that time. He isn't driven by fear of being alone, he is driven by craving time alone to be creative and write/compose/record music.
My big fear and what i am seeking help with is to know if a no contact separation still allows people to have a fondness feeling of each other. I know he loves me. He has always been very respectful of me, never yelled at me, never ever tried to control me. I do believe from what i know of him that his intentions and reasons are very pure and true. I just worry if purposely pushing out communication is healthy and can result in still feeling fondly for another person. He told me that if he had a dollar every time he wanted to reach out to me the last week he'd be a rich man, but he doesn't want to muddy things and take away from the mission he set out on.
Any thoughts, experiences on the No Contact separation would be appreciated. Sorry it's long but wanted to put as much insight so there would be less questions.