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He Needs To Find Himself

1K views 12 replies 7 participants last post by  Marduk 
#1 ·
I have spent the last week trying to make sense of a situation and maybe just get some peace of mind that I am not losing my mind.

Last Sunday, my husband moved out while I was grocery shopping. There was a situation that was the "straw that broke the camels back" but there are so many things involved in this decision.

A little information. I'm 43, he's 34. Known each other 12 years, best friends for 9, together for 6, married 3 1/2 We were best friends for about 3 years prior to entering into a relationship. I was married but had a long (5 year) separation prior to my first divorce. My current husband and I worked together and after a few years of working together had a group of friends we all hung out with and a very special friendship developed. Everything between us was totally platonic until the night of my divorce when he came to me and told me that he had feelings of love for me. He told me that morally he couldn't approach me until my divorce because he couldn't be involved with someone while there was a marriage, even if it was over. I've known him through 3 other relationships and he is not a cheater. That is not even a thought.

Some additional helpful information. My husband is a musician and a very independent man. Never lived with a woman until he moved in with me (even though he had long term relationships). It was well known going into a relationship with him that his desire for time and space to work on his music was a priority. I am a very independent woman and had no issues with this. He is very talented, creative, has many ambitions and is a free spirited type. I have 2 adult kids from my first marriage, he has no kids and never wanted kids. My daughter has been a huge issue to us for years. She cannot get her life together long enough to take care of her kids, keep a place to live, pay bills, be independent. She brings her issues into my house (and I have allowed that to happen). The ONLY hesitation that my husband had in marrying me was the way my daughter affects me and emotionally controls me.

In the last 3 years we have been living in my parents house. They have 2 homes and are at this house about 5 months of the year and in another state 7 months of the year. We moved here after i sold my home and we were trying to figure out our next step. During this time he wasn't working and we couldn't afford to move into something so we sacrificed a lot of our independence for this financial decision. He was spending his time trying to make his band successful. after about 2 1/2 years of him not working, the financial stresses were causing major issues and he had to go out and get a job. During that time things slipped with his band and eventually it fell apart. Also, it needs to be noted that during that time he lost his creative space in the home so he wasn't able to do as much as he had in the past.

In the last 2 months, my daughter was evicted from her house, her car was repossessed, the grandkids moved in with us (my daughter is not allowed to live here). in the last 8 months my dad had major back surgery, my mom had open heart surgery, they were here more in the last year than they have been in the last 3 years. The agreement we had (my husband and I) was that he would never spend another night in the same house as my daughter. Well last weekend, my daughter calls me crying that her and her BF broke up, had a physical altercation, she was very upset and since she was staying with him and his family, she had to leave and had nowhere to go. Her dad was on vacation out of state as was all other family members on that side (whole family was out of state) so she came to me. I decided to let her stay one night. Before I told her she could, i told my husband i was thinking of letting her stay one night because she was really upset and didn't want to be alone and then i was taking her to the shelter the next day. He didn't say anything. The next day he moved out while i was shopping and texted me to tell me that he isn't the one to raise the grandkids with me, he isn't the one to stay in this house and work through all these issues, and he told me if she stayed one more time he was gone and he was sticking to his word.

He has sighted many things that lead to him leaving but after 2 VERY long talks in the last week (2 talks of 4 1/2 hours or more each), he has sighted that all the individual situations in the house have weighed on him, but ultimately he feels that he has lost his feeling of drive, ambition and sight completely of who he is and he needs to find out who he is again and what he wants in life. Initially when we got together we had discussed taking 1 or 2 years and moving to a big city for him to pursue his music. Then the grandkids came along and it was harder for me to think of leaving. He feels he has compromised so much of who he is to fit into this box of who 'we' are that he doesn't even know himself. He also acknowledges that he only has so many years left to try to live his music dreams and doesn't feel he can put it off anymore.

After our talk on Saturday, he says he loves me, says he cares deeply for me and misses me terribly (we had a good relationship with many endearing times, just so many situations) but he feels that he needs this time to figure things out, focus on who he is before he can even address if we can be together. He says he doesn't want me to compromise who i am just to be with him. Also, i still have the grandkids and my grandson needs behavior therapy, speech therapy, counseling and my daughter needs a lot of emotional counseling to get to a point that she can be a mom again. I also need to come to terms with all the help that i've given my daughter has only inhibited her ability to be an adult and cut that tie. These things need to happen in life in general for me, and if he and i can ever reconcile. During this time he is seeking out his music again, trying to start a new band, looking at career paths that he can take to make money in the music scene (marketing, engineering, live sound/lights), get himself back to who he is and in 14-16 months know if he wants to stay in our state or branch out. Then, once he has his stuff figured out and i have my stuff figured out, we can see if we can be anything to each other.

He wants this time right now (we have no time frames, it's based on feelings) to be mostly no contact because he says he is so set on figuring him out that focusing on anything else only takes from that. He's currently living with his mom but they are looking in the next 2 months to move into another place together so he has a space to work on his music. I am still living in my parents house with the grandkids. He doesn't want to talk about divorce right now. He said he can't even think about that it's too soon to know. He also wants us to keep our financials together (cells, bills, etc) and we've already discussed the payment aspect of those. We are in agreement that there will be no outside dating/relationships, which i believe him on his side of it because part of this is him figuring out if having someone in his life can even fit into what he is trying to do, besides i have known him through very bad relationships, he's never cheated, and he spent about 4 years single and didn't even have casual relationships during that time. He isn't driven by fear of being alone, he is driven by craving time alone to be creative and write/compose/record music.

My big fear and what i am seeking help with is to know if a no contact separation still allows people to have a fondness feeling of each other. I know he loves me. He has always been very respectful of me, never yelled at me, never ever tried to control me. I do believe from what i know of him that his intentions and reasons are very pure and true. I just worry if purposely pushing out communication is healthy and can result in still feeling fondly for another person. He told me that if he had a dollar every time he wanted to reach out to me the last week he'd be a rich man, but he doesn't want to muddy things and take away from the mission he set out on.

Any thoughts, experiences on the No Contact separation would be appreciated. Sorry it's long but wanted to put as much insight so there would be less questions.
 
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#2 ·
Hi,

You say your husband is "an independent man" but he is not an independent man at all. He is a completely DEPENDENT man who cannot afford to live on his own. He is dependent upon you, and currently his mother, for housing, it sounds like. No wonder he doesn't want to separate bills yet. Is not separating them really code for you keep paying his bills? That's what it sounds like.

It seems as though he is dependent upon you to live, but then makes absolute rules about who can be in your life and the living space he makes no contribution to, is that correct?

I understand that there are some people who want a quiet life without much involvement with family members. Usually people who make this declaration about how they want to live their life are self sufficient, or at least equal partners to someone else, and then it is negotiated. Your husband cannot even support himself and is dictating who can be in YOUR life.

I know your question was about the effect of separation. I do think there are bigger issues here than what effect separation will have on feelings. It seems as though you are at the mercy of his whims and dictations and don't wish to claim any power in the relationship. It looks like whether separation can make feelings fade or not, that you have no say in what his next moves are. I do wish you would take some time to look at how he is controlling your life together and think about if that is what you want going forward.
 
#3 ·
His time of not working was a period of time but he has been in a really good job for the last 2 years. Our income is almost equal. He can afford to live on his own. He is living with his mom because he needed somewhere to go and wasn't going to go straight from here to signing a lease.

I guess I didn't make that clear. He works in IT and makes good money at it. We contribute equally to the bills and have for the last 2 years. And even when he wasn't working, he initially had severance, then unemployment, then inheritance from his grandmother. There was only about a 4 months period that he had zero income.
 
#4 ·
About your last paragraph, that is really the biggest thing right now. How dependent we have become on each other for just our own being. He has felt the need to stop spending time on his music because of the time he wanted to spend with me and became complacent by doing that and had a reduce in his drive in life.
 
#5 ·
I have no relevant experience but am surprised that he wants it to be so much no contact, if I have understood that correctly.

Living separately is one thing but not even taking a few minutes each day to check that the other is ok, whether by email, text, facebook, phone call or whatever, that I do not understand. If he is genuinely concerned for your welfare (and vice-versa) I would expect that at least. You are married after all!
 
#6 ·
The no contact is mostly because he wants to focus on finding himself and figuring out what he needs in his life and a full circle back to the person he was before we were married because he feels his lack of being a complete person is devastating to himself and to our marriage.

The no contact means just not reaching out to each other when we 'feel' like talking only because it takes away from the separation for what he wants to do. If there is something I need to discuss or I do need something from him or vice versa, he has told me by all means reach out.

To also be fair, I have a lot of work to do with my grandkids (they are 4 & 5) also because of how much of an issue my daughter has caused in our marriage, I have to fix that issue. Fixing that issue is mostly essential to my own mental and emotional health, but also a necessity if he and I would come back as a couple. The things I need to do with her and with my grandkids is not an overnight thing. It's months of work. Pretty much the no contact is because he feels that his focus right now needs to be himself and if he is constantly communicating with me and we stay such a part of each others lives, it takes away from that.
 
#7 ·
No contact seems to be strictly for his benefit. But, it might enable you to address your problems.

You haven't mentioned how all of this drama is affecting your parents who are enduring their own health crises. Can't you see your way clear to take your problems out of their home? Your daughter's problems may be rooted in yours. Frankly, I feel sorry for your parents.
 
#10 ·
You haven't mentioned how all of this drama is affecting your parents who are enduring their own health crises. Can't you see your way clear to take your problems out of their home? Your daughter's problems may be rooted in yours. Frankly, I feel sorry for your parents.
My parents are not here. They are recovering from their surgeries in their other home. My moms open heart was December 19th and they left for Florida Jan 27th. This house is big. I have the whole third floor with a living room and bedroom. It's not like we are living on top of each other. Also, we pay the bills here which has helped them through this health crisis to keep both homes while my dad hasn't been able to work. My parents love the grandkids and feel bad for all they have been through and want to help them in this transition.
 
#8 ·
You and your husband are in different pages in your lives. He wants to focus on his career and direction in life. He is forging a life without you.

He is very much in control with the life he wants to live. On the other hand, you have different commitments such as your grandchildren and your daughter. I don't think that your relationship will survive, given he wants a no-contact scenario.
 
#11 ·
I agree that we are on totally different pages in life. We are trying to see if we can take these separate paths and intersect them again. He is forging the life that he had and the path that he had before we married. One he started a long time ago but feels he lost sight of it because of all the compromises of marriage.

I have been doing a lot of reading about the no-contact separation, and everything I read says that it's important to respect the no-contact if it's requested because pushing any other direction is not going to help. It's only been one week and the fact is even if he told me tomorrow he wants a divorce, my path right now with the grandkids, my daughter, and being single wouldn't change. So I've felt that I can 'try' this no-contact for now while i address the issues i need to and just see where it goes. Obviously if it's a month down the line or two and there is still no contact and the feelings are diminishing then I know that it's not healthy. It was just very different when i went through my first divorce because my ex husband and i were married for 20 years, together for 23, had 2 kids (who were still in school) a home, all that jazz. So there had to be communication all the time and doubts on his part about leaving the family and such. This is different because we really have no reason we 'have' to communicate and I am just trying to figure out what is healthy and what isn't.
 
#12 ·
I figured someone would comment on that. You're entitled to your opinion but I know it's true. I don't know if that love at this point is a romantic love or a love of me as a person. Regardless there is love.

I'm not here seeking anyone to say "oh everything will be fine, give it time, he'll come running back to you". I don't even know if at the end of it all that I will want him back. I may decide that my calm life and settled life is what I want and not what he is trying to do with his life. I can't say after 1 week what will happen but I don't feel one week and the conversations we have had is worth filing for divorce right now. I have no inkling in my heart which way this will go and I am not acting now on "oh if i do this he'll come back", I am only living and doing the things that i need to do for me.
 
#13 ·
Let him go.

On the one hand, he doesn't want the life that he will have to have if he stays with you.

On the other hand, you have too much going on in your own life to offer the kind of life he wants.

Neither of you is willing, or perhaps able, to budge.

Love is wanting what's best for the other person. Right now, for him, that's not you. And right now, for you, that's not him.

At any rate, you have a serious train wreck situation with your daughter. If her kids are with you and she's not allowed in the house... I have to guess that you already know this. At some point you have to let her go her own path in life without dragging you down with her, too.

And guess what? You're now taking accountability for your grandparents which means that you are really the parent, too. So even though he never wanted kids, he's now feeling the pressure of 3 of none of his own -- two grand kids, and one adult one that for some reason won't stand on her own two feet. That's just not his gig.

That's my read, FWIW.
 
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