Hello, my husband and I met when I was 13 and he was 16. Been married for 16yrs, together for 21 yrs. We were teen parents, started out our career at a very young age. If I compared our life to other friends that we know, we have it all. I'm a nurse for >12 yrs, kids, house, 2 boats, trailer, 4 vehicles. I worked so hard to be where were at.
However, the past year or so we have been growing distance. My husband has been putting his friends before our family needs. He doesn't want to do any family event together. Every day after work, every weekend, all he wants to do is hang out with friends. Take coworkers out to the lake and drink almost everyday. When my kids and I ask to go, he'll say "I'm taking my friends." He comes home intoxicated. Talking to him has not done any good. Can't reason with him. I am to the point of walking away from every we built for 21 yrs.
We had normal marital arguments in the past, but we gotten over our anger within hours or the next day. This year has been very serious. We have gone weeks without saying a word to each other. He claims "guy" friends....but I'm not sure, it can be both. I confronted him multiple times if he have someone else in mind, he denies it.
I'm just not sure what to make of it... He refused to get professional help. I'm so exhausted emotionally. I feel it's better to ignore and walk away.
You are probably right and nobody will blame you if you do walk away.
He has alcohol issues. Needs help there.
Out with friends and coworkers is often code for another woman. And it's also common for him to surround himself and an affair partner with 2-3 other friends, thus camouflaging the affair "no we are all just friends!! Your crazy!!" Posted via Mobile Device
Woman here, 35 years married, and career woman. Your husband has someone on the side. Follow him on this weekend jaunts, but don't tell him. Don't reveal yourself on what you found, no matter how unpleasant. See what he is doing and who he is with. You don't want to finance his mischief.
My husband has been putting his friends before our family needs. He doesn't want to do any family event together. Every day after work, every weekend, all he wants to do is hang out with friends. Take coworkers out to the lake and drink almost everyday. When my kids and I ask to go, he'll say "I'm taking my friends." He comes home intoxicated. Talking to him has not done any good. Can't reason with him.
Here's my take on your situation: Yes, he could having an affair. It couldn't be all that great for the woman, if he's always coming home drunk. Drunks don't exactly make great lovers, particularly when it comes to performance, if you get my drift.
I'd definitely find out if there is another woman. However, having been married to an alcoholic, I discovered the "other woman" was booze. Family activities, vacations, and eventually his job and me, all took a back seat to pursuing that "Great Buzz."
If you determine he is not having an affair, nothing you say will make him stop drinking. You can leave and he may quit for awhile. He may just not care if you leave as long as he can drink.
You cannot talk to, or reason with, and alcoholic. Until HE realizes he has a problem, this will continue and get progressively worse.
I've been in Al-Anon for years. Without it, I would have been dragged under by an alkie.
But I agree with other posters here ... check/verify first if there is another woman in the picture.
Yours is not an uncommon story. All great romances eventually cool down. It is what you do to re-spark the flame that will determine your future. First make sure he is not having an affair because pulling away is one of the warning signs as well as spending a lot of time with his "Friends". The drinking is worrisome too as it may be self medication for depression or other problems he has. I know because I have been there and back.
I am married for over 40 years and we have a very good life. My solution may not be popular but the starting point is important. You need to start a dialog with your husband to find out what is wrong, how you feel and your concern about how you two are drifting apart. Let him know that you love him too much to lose what you once had.
You cannot do anything until you know what he would like you to do to make him happy and want you again. If he is not willing to discuss it, there is not much you can do.
My wife and I had that discussion and boy did I learn a lot. I found out what she did and did not like because she never talks about sex. I told her what I was hoping for and did not like. We ended up finding common ground sexually and in our everyday lives. I now do a few of the household chores and other things that my wife though I could figure out by her silent treatment which I was not even aware she was doing.
We even setup two mandatory no excuse intimate nights. Did not have to have sex but at least be in bed together and just talk if that is what we wanted. It did lead to kissing and fondling which led to sex and all of a sudden my wife was having multiple and very intense orgasms and was doing the things that I like too. We still have our date nights and I always look forward to them. Even if I am tired, I still make it. Same for my wife.
Sex releases a hormone that bonds you emotionally together so when you stop having sex or reduce the frequency, you are not bonding like you used to which leads to less desire for sex which leads to less of the hormone which leads.... . You get the picture. Somewhere along the line you need to get intimate again and let nature take care of the rest.
Many women just fester and live in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids or because they are afraid that now that they are no longer the slim hot chick that they were 20 years ago, that no man would want them. Some have affairs and they do surprisingly make them happy again. Others just get depressed and go on medication. it is up to you which route you take. You can fix it. We did, because we both still loved each other.
Maybe he is with another women or maybe he is just with his friends drinking or both. Maybe he is having the fun he didn't to have as a teenager because he was a married teen parent. It might take you leaving to be a wake up call that you aren't going to stay if he is going to act like he is single.
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Related Threads
?
?
?
?
?
Talk About Marriage
4.9M posts
105.3K members
Since 2007
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!