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Snappy Spouse - normal? acceptable?

7K views 28 replies 11 participants last post by  Yeswecan 
#1 ·
Can I get some outside perspective on this please?

My husband has never yelled or screamed at me but he seems very short tempered and easily frustrated. When things that I consider everyday stressors happen - like encountering traffic, or the new puppy (that he wanted) being hyper or peeing on the floor, he gets frustrated and starts snapping at me. If we're lost in the car, and I try to help he snaps "just dont! Just be quiet and don't tap on your phone!" (I was pulling up GPS).

As long as everything is going exactly the way he'd like, he's fine. But as soon as the smallest thing gets on his nerves (maybe his team is losing on TV, the dog is running around, the printer jams - just any unexpected inconvenience) he'll snap at me and say "go! And take the dogs. I need to be alone!" -- and I'm supposed to just leave the room because he is in a bad mood. If I try to talk to him he gets really irate and says "Not now, just go. Don't talk to me!" When it's something like the printer jamming, or we're lost in the car, any effort I make to help makes him angrier and he tells me to "stop. don't say anything!"

If I stay quiet when he's frustrated it passes -- usually pretty fast, say 5 minutes. But I hate the way I feel when he's like that, and his shushing me or telling me to leave makes me furious.

We don't have children and we are trying to adopt from the foster system and I'm very worried about these kids living with someone who gets bad moods when the slightest thing goes wrong. Once he calms down, he apologizes, but if I try to talk to him about it he simply refuses to engage me. It's never a good time to discuss it.

Lastly - he has health issues and is in a lot of pain a lot of the time and I think he is also depressed.He will say he's snapping because he's in pain, but I believe it's always been his personality, even before the health issues. He has finally agreed to talk to his Dr. about the depression so maybe I should wait to see how that goes, but I'm really sick of this.

MY QUESTION: Is this normal? Do people just get in bad moods and snap at their spouses and we just don't see that side of other people because we don't live with them? Or is my husband being an immature self indulgent ass at my expense?

Thanks for your input/perspective.
 
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#2 ·
How often does this happen?

Is it normal? No, not in good marriages.

Is it normal in abusive marriages? Yes. Most of the time, in an abusive marriage, the abuse all occurs behind closed doors. It's a safe place for the abuser to act out. But in public, where others can hear them, an abuser very often puts on a good show. If your husband does not behave this way at work, with friends, etc. then he has 100% control over his abusive behavior.

Your husband is being emotionally abusive. For him to order you to shut up, or leave the room, etc. is a form of emotional abuse.

What does he do if you refused to shut up or refuse to leave or refuse to do as he tells you?
 
#3 ·
How often does this happen?

Is it normal? No, not in good marriages. ...

... What does he do if you refused to shut up or refuse to leave or refuse to do as he tells you?
EleGirl, Thank you for your reply.

It happens anywhere from once every 3 days to a couple times a day if he's in a lot of pain.

If I refuse to stop talking he would angrily plead with me. He'll say "PLEASE, Just STOP! I don't care!" (about whatever I'm saying to try to help the immediate cause of his frustration) And he'll just withdraw into himself and become silent. Or he might leave the room. Sometimes I just leave when he gets like that. Mostly he tries to act like his snapping is perfectly normal and he'll just change the subject like "what do you want to watch on TV?" But he would NEVER snap like that in front of other people or at other people.

When he tells me to leave the room, if I just stayed there he would just be silent/sullen until his frustration passed, but I usually do leave because I don't want to be around him at that point. Or he might leave the room (angrily) if I didn't leave.

He can definitely control this behavior around others.

I have definitely indulged his moods in the past. However, lately I started reading thing from Marriage Builders (Which I see you mention some of their books in your signature) and I have been saying "don't talk to me that way" or saying "It's not okay to snap at me just because you're in a bad mood." And he is usually silent in response in the immediate moment, but he has apologized and he's doing it less. I can tell he's making a concerted effort not to be short tempered where he before he seemed to feel totally entitled to be snappy, but he can only go so long w/out getting frustrated over something that I think most adults would just "handle."

I am happy by nature and I just want to enjoy life. Why does everything have to be such a struggle? I am so tired of navigating his moods.

Like I said he never yells and he's never gotten physical (not with me, he's thrown objects like he might throw a phone or remote at the couch if it stopped working). But it does feel abusive. Like we can't just relax and enjoy each other.

I've read about anger management but since he never raises his voice I didn't think it was applicable to him, but lately I've been thinking maybe it is. Even if he's not yelling he's visibly angry maybe I've been way too tolerant of this.
 
#5 ·
Can I get some outside perspective on this please?

My husband has never yelled or screamed at me but he seems very short tempered and easily frustrated. When things that I consider everyday stressors happen - like encountering traffic, or the new puppy (that he wanted) being hyper or peeing on the floor, he gets frustrated and starts snapping at me. If we're lost in the car, and I try to help he snaps "just dont! Just be quiet and don't tap on your phone!" (I was pulling up GPS).

As long as everything is going exactly the way he'd like, he's fine. But as soon as the smallest thing gets on his nerves (maybe his team is losing on TV, the dog is running around, the printer jams - just any unexpected inconvenience) he'll snap at me and say "go! And take the dogs. I need to be alone!" -- and I'm supposed to just leave the room because he is in a bad mood. If I try to talk to him he gets really irate and says "Not now, just go. Don't talk to me!" When it's something like the printer jamming, or we're lost in the car, any effort I make to help makes him angrier and he tells me to "stop. don't say anything!"

If I stay quiet when he's frustrated it passes -- usually pretty fast, say 5 minutes. But I hate the way I feel when he's like that, and his shushing me or telling me to leave makes me furious.

We don't have children and we are trying to adopt from the foster system and I'm very worried about these kids living with someone who gets bad moods when the slightest thing goes wrong. Once he calms down, he apologizes, but if I try to talk to him about it he simply refuses to engage me. It's never a good time to discuss it.

Lastly - he has health issues and is in a lot of pain a lot of the time and I think he is also depressed.He will say he's snapping because he's in pain, but I believe it's always been his personality, even before the health issues. He has finally agreed to talk to his Dr. about the depression so maybe I should wait to see how that goes, but I'm really sick of this.

MY QUESTION: Is this normal? Do people just get in bad moods and snap at their spouses and we just don't see that side of other people because we don't live with them? Or is my husband being an immature self indulgent ass at my expense?

Thanks for your input/perspective.
so for him sounds like yes this is normal and you knew this and married him anyway. Some people do not handle even a little bit of stress well, others never get upset by anything. Sounds to me like he is first and always has been. If you are going to stay with him you will likely need to find some way to disengage this behavior. The two most successful methods are to engage by calling out the behavior immediately " please don't talk to me that way, I don't talk to you that way". Or just "go quiet " and don't engage at all.

Guess you could leave but you did pick him with these traits. The one thing I wouldn't do his hope he changes. That's not likely. People who are always highly stressed feed off it like fuel almost.
 
#20 ·
Thank you. I think you are right. I hope the "Please don't talk to me that way..." method will be more fruitful. It seems to be having some positive impact. Going quiet is what I was doing all these years and it's effective in that the bad mood does not escalate and passes quickly, but it seems to also have reinforced the notion that these bad moods are normal and acceptable any time he feels like it.
 
#8 ·
This will not improve, it only will get worse with time, as the dynamics settles. Hold on with that adoption. Try to talk to him, and make him admit there is problem, and apologizing after does not fix it. Unless he takes active steps to fix it and succeds for more than few months, you may have to re-evaluate your plans for future with him.
 
#9 ·
No. I don't think it's normal. If he is in pain or depressed and that is causing his irritability then fine BUT he needs to deal with the underlying issues (get on a pain management program and work on his depression), not take it out on you everyday.

Everyone has a bad day, is tired, feels sick or gets irritable so if this was once in a while that'd be one thing but this happens far too frequent than you should have to tolerate. Personally, I could not live with someone like this because people's moods for better or worse rub off on me and I prefer to be happy. :D

It is good that you're starting to stick up for yourself but have you had a serious talk with him about it when he isn't snapping at you? I think you need to make it clear just how fed up you are with his behaviour and that he needs to start taking serious action to prevent it from happening from this point forward.

What kind of health issues is he struggling with? Is there sleep, dietary or exercise changes he could be making to mitigate his pain? If so, getting involved in a fitness routine together, is a good way to support him. Not sure what kind of health issues he has but if they are causing him constant pain then that is likely a big contributor to his depression and certainly a large source of his irritability.
 
#11 ·
It appears your H has taken on anger issues that will require anger management. There is a lot on the internet that is helpful in identifying if your H has anger issues and how to manage these issues. Often there are classes offered in your area that help with anger management. There was three in my area alone.

I was like your H. Snapped at dumb drivers, traffic and the littlest of things. Not until my W said enough did I find self help. The key here is your H recognizing there is a problem. This was the most difficult for me. What made it less difficult was my W saying fix it or she is out!! Wake up call! I fixed it. Took some time and self help but over all I have learned that a bunch of crap that happens daily is really not worth the uncontrolled outbursts and aggression. I had to learn to work with my stress and find it was mine to deal with, not yelling at others to relieve said stress.

The most eye opening thing I learned when I started investigating my anger is the hurt I was inflicting on my W. Not until then did it all come clear to what an ass I was.
 
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#21 ·
Thank you I will keep an eye out. So far he seems to be trying to de-escalate which is good. He is the kind of person who would be horrified at the idea of someone being physically abusive to another person, so I want to say "he would never do that" but do you ever really know what someone is capable of? I realize now he has been very controlling and I'm no longer willing to be so controlled so that must be frustrating to him.
 
#22 ·
Thank you so much Blossom Leigh. I really believe it can be turned around. But only if I grow a pair and stop accepting it. I am going to look into your links - the soft as possible firm as necessary sounds perfect for me as I have never been firm with anyone and I know that has invited a lot of misery into my life.
 
#24 ·
Click my Blossom thread and you will see a list of books/resources that helped me learn how to do that....
 
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