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Wife wants both worlds

7K views 58 replies 20 participants last post by  AliceA 
#1 ·
My wife has been in control of our break up because she initiated it and I don't want to break up so I have no choice to make. Where as she needs to decide to work it out or continue and proceed with the separation. So my issue is her going back and fourth is beginning to become old. I don't want to loose my love for her but think all this yes/no is going to where me done and I may begin to resent her. I ask her to just tell me what her heart is telling her what it wants but she doesn't give me a 100% answer. When she is angry she says she wants to be on her own but when things are good she wants to try. Lately I've become a little less hurt and more able to think with my mind and less with my heart at which point she will back down and reel me in with the hopes of us reconciling .

Any Idea what, why or how a person could say they want to separate but possibly really not want to ? what is this all about ?
 
#2 · (Edited)
You can't have it both ways either.

Either you have your self respect and you take care of your own needs, or you serve her needs unconditionally. I know myths of true love like to tell us that we should devote ourselves to our lover, but when we do so at the exclusion of our own well being we murder the unique parts of ourselves.

You are not new around here so I know you have heard of the 180 but it strikes me that you have not done a 180 at all which is the very thing that will give you the power in your relationship you have lost.

The paradox is that you must love yourself enough to be prepared to walk away from a toxic life. You have to be willing to destroy your feelings to have any hope of sharing them again either with your wife or someone else.
 
#3 ·
You can't control what she does, decides, or how soon her mind will be made up.

You can, however, control yourself.

So YOU decide if you've had enough of her waffling and move on. If she's behaving like the Rum Tum Tugger and can't decide whether she wants in or out of the house, you close and lock the cat door.
 
#4 ·
I believe we have 3 control systems, our brain which controls us, our heart which controls our soul and the lil guy/girl controls our sex life. Right now my heart is in control and my brain is pissed off. My brain wants to move out and show my wife what she is about to lose but my heart loves her and wants to be around her because it know my brain fkd up and being home gives it a 50/50 shot of making up where as being gone gives me a 100% shot of not and my lil guy is on my hearts side because he's getting some action.
 
#12 ·
When you confirmed in another thread that she has another man, I told you that "She wants to explore the new relationship while keeping you as a plan B option in case it does not work out long term". This is still the case. The longer that you sit back a let the affair continue, the more that she will lose respect for you until she loses all respect for you. She cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect. You are thus wrong when you say that there is a "50/50 shot" of it working out if you stay and do nothing, as your odds get worse with every day that passes.

You must be willing to end the marriage in order to have a better chance at saving it. The sooner that you make her decide, the better the odds. It may already be too late, so she may call your bluff and pick to end your marriage, but waiting for her to decide only lowers your odds.
 
#5 ·
Hi, my solution is to take away your support as a partner. She can remain iffy because you also allow it.

Anyways, choosing to move on is less torture for you, and the sooner you can heal. It will also allow you to detach to see if you even want her in your life, if she is going to be a negative or positive.

Either way, you both will need to change the way the relationship is handled.

Also a good reason on why not to make decisions on high levels of emotions, they can swing wildly, and your wife is a good exaple of that.

If she wants life without you, you should let her go. Someone has to be strong enough to make a decision, and you are finding out that the longer this drags on, the less likely you will want to remain married.

Either way, it will force her hand. You will then find out if she really wants to be with you when she asks for another chance, or if she is gone, you will then greive, then heal. Then one day you will realize, it was for the best, grow, then be a great partner for someone else.
 
#6 ·
You told her to take as long as she needs. Now, you're the kid in the back seat on a long car trip going "Are we there, yet? Are we there, yet?". Your wife is the parent saying "No, we're not there yet. I'll tell you when we're there. Now, be quiet and sit down". Patience is your friend.

One thing to consider is that you mentioned you like this new marriage where you two are out all of the time & having great sex. What if she is worried that all of that will go away once she commits and it will be back to business as usual?
 
#15 ·
Yes she is worried about the and I understand her fears. I tell we both need to work together on making this work. If I start doing something that concerns her she needs to communicate with me and not hold it in. I do like this new romance and want it to become the norm but I do expect arguments and disagreements that we will need to be able to work through. Communication is not her strength and needs to learn how to.
 
#8 ·
I think the best idea would be to do the 180 and work on yourself, stand up for yourself and be your own man and in control of your own life.

You're coming from a place of fear right now and that, much more than your wife is keeping you under control or in limbo during this break-up/separation. You can only be in control of yourself - not your wife unless you are giving her that kind of power over you.

Acting like an option to your wife, might get her back but it will not earn you her respect. Further it likely will keep her looking towards the door when she feels discontent - especially if she thinks she can always come back in. To that effect, I think you're not doing yourself any favors.

If your plan of waiting her out, being a doormat or jumping through her hoops does get her back, then what does that win you really? Another year, ten, maybe fifty years of having the threat of her walking out again over your head because you and she both know you're not going anywhere if she feels indecisive about you again? Basically how you feel right now, what's going on right now will be the culture of your marriage. Do you like it? I don't think you do but it is what you're signing up for by choosing to let her flighty feelings steer your ship instead of steering it yourself.

Doing a 180 is scary in the beginning but you need to let go of the fear of losing your wife and rejoice in the prize of reclaiming yourself. Coming from a place of power and strength is always more attractive. It may not help you get your wife back but often it does make you more attractive to your spouse. If that does happen, you can both be on more equal footing. Power imbalances like the one you have now is not healthy. If it does not happen, you will be mentally and emotionally stronger to deal with it. Either scenario to my mind, is better than what you have now.
 
#9 ·
It's all about BOUNDARIES.. you do not have to accept her waffling.. show her you will move on if this is her way of being.. this will either light a fire under her that she knows this is FINAL.. and she will loose you... or she will move on. .. it will push her to the realization you aren't her Play thing anymore..


Here is the 180 /a thread I found on google with the list spelled out (keep in mind some of this is referring to infidelity ) >>

Plan A vs. 180 Plan - Marriage Builders® Forums

180

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in
your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue?
No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back.

Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
 
#10 ·
It's funny how much my ex wife wanted to separate and have me be out of the picture.

Until I stopped paying the bills, lawyered up a separation agreement, and started seeing someone else.

Then, all of a sudden, after six months of her play time, she suddenly wanted to "talk."
 
#23 ·
Much of the bitterness you may feel if/when that happens will also be a reflection at the anger you have at yourself for prostrating yourself to your wife and allowing her to determine what/if any respect you deserve as a husband and life mate. That is why you need to decide soon if that's something you want for yourself or not?

You can't convince your wife that you are worth being with. All you can do is know that you are deserving of love and respect just as any of us are. If your wife doesn't see that - and from the sounds of it, she doesn't see that right now, then it's not your job to try to prove it to her. (Although there are steps that you can take that may remind her of what she'd be missing out on, that should not be the goal here even if that is a desirable outcome to you.) The goal here should be convincing yourself and knowing it to be true that with or without your wife: You will be fine. With or without your wife, you deserve nothing less than respect and love in a relationship.

All of the self-doubt you have is not helping you. The unknown is scary but is almost never as scary as the here and now that you cannot run from. I know it's difficult because I have been there before. Although I was eight months pregnant with our second child (I am an orphan and don't have extended family nearby) when it was my turn to do the 180 and walk away. I survived it and came out the other side better and stronger for it, knowing my worth and having more respect for myself because of it. You can too.

And P.S. Like the other poster before me, he did come back... funnily enough I did not actually want him when he did. That took a LOT of convincing and humble pie and sh!t testing to prove why he was even worth a second chance because I already knew by then that I was okay.
 
#30 ·
I know you feel like you are on pins and needles with the situation but please have patience (with the situation, your wife and other posters). This situation didn't manifest overnight and it won't be fixed overnight.

Possibly view it as building your new marriage. You didn't go from just meeting her to the alter in a couple of months, did you?
 
#35 ·
actually the romance is great, it's better than its been in years. It feels like it did when we first meet. I wish reality of bills never had to come into play but money is the root of all evil I guess. She is worried that I'm being romantic just to get her back and I tell her I realize the mistake i made of taking her for granted and want to become a better man for her.
 
#41 ·
So this 180 thing sounds like a good plan but ladies really ? ? ? I'm trying to change my old ways of taking her for granted and being selfish. I been spoiling her with attention, sending her flowers, buying her jewelry, cooking her favorite food, help no wait doing the house work I been doing dishes, laundry, making the bed, scrubbing the floors, , , I even built her a shoe and purse rack ! ! ! and what every one is telling me I gotta do the 180 which is basically going back to the old me . . . WOW :rofl:
 
#42 ·
Honestly friend I think your going to lose this war. Boils down to this. Is she is or is she isn't. What I see is a rope she has connected to you and when she tugs, your there. If that the case then do yourself a favor and cut the line.

That's no way to live when she has it both ways and you hanging around in the back round just in case she can't make her mind up.

If it's me I cut the line and tell her that time is up and her time has run out. Then her options are null and void and both of you are now playing on a level playing field.
 
#53 ·
Yes she was trying to speak to me but I was so consumed with all the attention I ignored her. She tells me I would tell her and I do remember saying this several times but I meant it as a compliment and for year to relax and enjoy it. I wold tell her to "just sit there and look pretty" and yes there was moms talking to me all the time and yes there was one mom that I talked to most of the time and yes my wife thinks I screwed her but no honest to god I did not. If any one believes me or not it doesn't matter the important thing is my wife believes I did.
You said that your wife has a male friend but she says that nothing is going on. How long has she had this male friend?

You had a female friend for a few years. You told your wife that you were just talking to her but nothing was going on.

So what's the difference?
 
#55 ·
Yes she was trying to speak to me but I was so consumed with all the attention I ignored her. She tells me I would tell her and I do remember saying this several times but I meant it as a compliment and for year to relax and enjoy it. I wold tell her to "just sit there and look pretty" and yes there was moms talking to me all the time and yes there was one mom that I talked to most of the time and yes my wife thinks I screwed her but no honest to god I did not. If any one believes me or not it doesn't matter the important thing is my wife believes I did.
You said that your wife has a male friend but she says that nothing is going on. How long has she had this male friend?

You had a female friend for a few years. You told your wife that you were just talking to her but nothing was going on.

So what's the difference?
If it's purely friendship there's no difference. I have no issues with her having male friends. If she loves me I have nothing to worry about. If she is cheating and trying to hide to stay with me , , , well to me that pathetic that a person can't control their sex drive enough to stop from screwing another person. There was some nice looking mom but I love my wife and would never do that to her or me. Nothing wrong with falling out of love but there's a way to do it and not hurt your partner like that.
 
#59 ·
If you were a selfish and unhelpful spouse, then turning your back on your partner (180) because they finally got fed up with it isn't going to win them back imo.

However, don't start what you're not going to finish. If you are willing to do all of what you are doing forever more, fair enough, go for it. If she decides to step fully back into the relationship right now, are you still going to be doing all this stuff a year from now? Are you going to be happy to do it all or will you start to get resentful?
 
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