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My wife doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me.

16K views 21 replies 11 participants last post by  morituri 
#1 ·
My problem is: My wife doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me. In this married life, I'm spending all my evenings alone, mostly bored in front of the tv. Where is my wife then? She's not working, drinking, or out with friends. She's in bed, beside our son. She's not ill, or disabled or anything. She just prefers it this way. It seems she's not interested in me any more.

We've been together for 4 years; living together for 3 years since we married. This didn't change much in our relationship, which was generally good. But then, we had a baby. Now our relationship is practically over.

There's nothing wrong with our son; he's healthy, sweet and pretty smart. I have a wonderful relationship with my son and we spend quality time together every day But my wife can't relax. During the daytime, life is extremely stressful in this home; she's all the time busy with him or cleaning the house, and demanding my help in this all the time, giving me orders to do little jobs. I already do a lot to help without her needing to ask. There's no time for 'us'. And in the evening, when our son's in bed, she is too. His cot is beside her bed in his bedroom. She always goes to sleep beside him, at the same time as him - around 8pm. Also during daytime naps she goes to bed beside him or spends the time cleaning. I sleep in what used to be our bedroom.

She doesn't work, and when I come back from work she often leaves our son with me and goes upstairs for an hour or two. Recently she said she was going to the toilet and when I went upstairs an hour later I found her asleep. It was 5pm. I've asked why she doesn't want to spend evenings with me. The reply is always something like "she's just so tired now". She insists that she needs to sleep in his room even though he is nearly 20 months old and we have a baby monitor radio.
As you might imagine, there's also almost no sex whatsoever. Once in the last 6 months. The last few times we have had sex it was in our bedroom and then as soon as it finished she went back to our son. Not very enjoyable. The last time she offered sex, at the point where we were getting started, she started to talk to me about money and demanded to see a bank statement to make sure I hadn't been spending money without her knowing about it. I didn't feel like sex that night, not surprisingly.

Everything suggests that she's not interested in my company any more, and the only reason she hasn't thrown me out of the house yet is that she needs my help in taking care of our boy. I'm not a husband, I'm a servant.

I can't even talk with her about this subject any more, because every time I bring it up, she gets upset and starts attacking me, that I should appreciate how hard she works and that I should stop behaving like a teenager and be the “man of the house”.
I often consider leaving. But I don't really want to lose her; I love her! But on the other hand, I feel like I've lost her already! What I really want is to get her back. But what can I do?
 
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#2 ·
First kid?

Sleeping early?

Refusing to not have the kid sleep on his own?

We went through the same. I think it was a twinge of postpartum mixed with exhaustion and an unhealthy attachment to the child, especially at night.

Step in and tell her no more sleeping with him.

I had to draw a line in the sand with our first after about 10 months of him sleeping with us. (Bassinet next to our bed).

Even then I'd find her asleep in his room at least a few times a week in the nursing chair, with her holding him. Went on that way for months.

To this day, 11 years later, he still has trouble sleeping as a consequence.

Draw a line in the sand.

"Wives sleep with their husbands, not their children. He's fine. In fact, I'll get up with him every night until he's able to sleep on his own again so you can catch up on your sleep, too."
 
#3 ·
Everything suggests that she's not interested in my company any more, and the only reason she hasn't thrown me out of the house yet is that she needs my help in taking care of our boy. I'm not a husband, I'm a servant.

I can't even talk with her about this subject any more, because every time I bring it up, she gets upset and starts attacking me, that I should appreciate how hard she works and that I should stop behaving like a teenager and be the “man of the house”.
I often consider leaving. But I don't really want to lose her; I love her! But on the other hand, I feel like I've lost her already! What I really want is to get her back. But what can I do?
Is there any valid reason she'd "throw you out of the house?" That's kindof an extreme way to put it.
 
#7 ·
Yeah, don't let her throw you out of the home. If she doesn't want to be a wife, that's on her. But, she can get a job & learn how to support herself and then she can look at her own bank statement and not worry about what you are or aren't spending money on.
 
#9 ·
Thanks for all the replies. There are all sorts of additional issues that are impacting the relationship:

It's a bi-cultural relationship: Me British, her Mexican. She doesn't speak English and although my Spanish is good, I find it hard to articulate my feelings in my own language, let alone one I'm still trying to perfect.

Our relationship developed very quickly. 10 months from first date to marriage. Son born 10 months after that. That was partly due to her age (early 40s) and us both wanting kids before it was too late.

I'll grant her I could do with "manning-up", but I'm naturally a people-pleaser conflict-avoider, and she's quite domineering. At times I have wondered whether she is a narcissist.

The sex began great, during our engagement, and we'd do it often and in different rooms, she'd occasionally do short oral before PiV, hand jobs in the car. But since day 1 she has never let me touch her or go down on her. She's never been one for foreplay which I think is really important. Gradually our sex has become less and less frequent and be confined to missionary in the bedroom when and only when she demands it.

A cynic might think that she just entrapped me to get a baby but I do think she loves me as well.
 
#12 ·
Thanks for all the replies. There are all sorts of additional issues that are impacting the relationship:

It's a bi-cultural relationship: Me British, her Mexican. She doesn't speak English and although my Spanish is good, I find it hard to articulate my feelings in my own language, let alone one I'm still trying to perfect.

Our relationship developed very quickly. 10 months from first date to marriage. Son born 10 months after that. That was partly due to her age (early 40s) and us both wanting kids before it was too late.

I'll grant her I could do with "manning-up", but I'm naturally a people-pleaser conflict-avoider, and she's quite domineering. At times I have wondered whether she is a narcissist.

The sex began great, during our engagement, and we'd do it often and in different rooms, she'd occasionally do short oral before PiV, hand jobs in the car. But since day 1 she has never let me touch her or go down on her. She's never been one for foreplay which I think is really important. Gradually our sex has become less and less frequent and be confined to missionary in the bedroom when and only when she demands it.

A cynic might think that she just entrapped me to get a baby but I do think she loves me as well.

That is strange. Have the two of you talked about why?
 
#11 ·
Read this many times over and then go forth and put it into practice.

I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything!
 
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