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Who do you believe in a he-said/she-said incident?

5K views 51 replies 23 participants last post by  T1215 
#1 ·
My husband and I have been happily married for 12 years and have 2 young children, our main marriage issue over the years being H and my family of origin not getting along (both sides at fault). H has never given me reason to believe he would cheat. However, one evening we were drinking with my brother and his wife (my sister-in-law). Neither me nor H are big drinkers (usually 2 drinks tops), but on this rare occasion I drank to much and passed out. My brother went to bed and H and SIL stayed up drinking by themselves (H has never stayed up with a woman before). Two days later my brother was being downright mean to H, and that night H confessed that SIL hit on him after I passed out. He said that she took her sweatshirt off and grabbed his crotch and said "we could do it in the mud room". Her baby cried and she left to tend to baby. He bolted for the guest room I was sleeping in and came to bed. A few minutes later she came into our room, again grabbed his crotch as he was laying in bed and said "come on". He told her to get out and then heard her yelling at my brother. My husbands story was just so unbelievable (who would grab a man's crotch if he was laying in bed with his wife?). I then got my SIL side of the story. She said that she was hot and took off her sweatshirt, wearing a tight tank top on underneath. H grabbed her boob, saying it was "luscious" (he has used this word with me once or twice, she would not know this). Then she waited a minute b/c she wanted to see what he was going to do next. He took her hand and put it on his crotch and said "we can do it right now". Baby cried, she checked on baby, came back and he was gone. She looked around the house for him, and found him in bed with me. She went to her room, woke my brother and told him everything. I never in a million years thought either one of them would be capable of something like this. My brother told my parents, and of course my parents and brother believe her and they all told me they would never be around my H again and that he is a liar and he is evil. I do know for a fact that SIL cheated on my brother once, maybe 10 years ago, when my brother passed out at a party and she ended up making out with one of his friends. H and I have been going to intensive marital counseling. Our therapist had H take a lie detector test which he passed and therapist told me that they are 95% accurate and I can't doubt H. My dad came to our home recently (even though I begged him not to) to apologize and open the door to healing in our family. H was so mad at him for taking sides and coming over against my wishes that he just blasted off on him. If I stay with H, I loose my family of origin, which hurts so much b/c I love them. Yet, how can I destroy my own family and my children's lives (they adore H and he is a great dad) based on one he-said/she-said incident and the fact that my fam dislikes H? What would you do?
 
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#2 ·
I see that both of them are at fault; your husband and your SIL. They stayed up together drinking! They were both inviting trouble. Given your SIL is a cheater in such an occasion and your husband knows this, he might have taken a chance. Who knows? Both were inviting trouble. I don't believe either one of them. They had something going on. Only they know the truth. You and your husband need to lay off the booze.
 
#3 ·
"There are three sides to every story. 'His side, her side and the truth.'" I don't see how to make it happen but unless you have them both sit down to have a clearing of the air at the same time, you will never know.

Both will do their best to make themselves look innocent in this drama.
 
#5 ·
Sounds like your H could have been up to something. How else could SIL know that word used in that exact context.

Of course, she might not be totally innocent here either.

If you are happy with him otherwise and there have been no other issues, keep him.

Get some healthy boundaries set up though. He wasn't totally innocent staying alone and drinking with her.
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#6 ·
I think that both of them did exactly what each claimed that the other had done. They both threw each other under the bus. However, I believe that your husband chickened out. The wrath of the scorned woman came to roost!

Does your brother know that his wife is a cheater? If he doesn't I believe that exposure of your SIL to your brother and parents are in order. This woman ain't no saint. Quite the contrary, she is a Jezebel.

You need to be vigilant with your husband, especially when booze is around. You both need to keep away from booze so that you don't compromise your marriage, especially when you are around other people.
 
#10 · (Edited)
Divorce him? I really don't know, you seem to want to believe him. We can only go off of the information that you have given here, hardly a complete picture or even objective.

As for how did he even make that up? Easy, I think for him it sounded like the version of the truth that made him look like the innocent in all this. Truth was they were both way out of line. But that said, I don't think she was going after his crotch like some sex crazed demon. It just doesn't add up.

How did she just randomly land on him describing her boobs as "luscious"? That is a pretty specific accusation on her part and very accurate for his way of flirting according to you. That is a major red flag, and pretty much proves he was very into the whole thing and not an innocent victim.

I'm not sure about the lie detector test and what to make of that. I suppose it would depend on exactly what questions were asked. Obviously something happened between the two of them.

Do you recall what questions the polygraph examiner asked? How many questions was he asked?
 
#12 · (Edited)
Those questions don't really do much to exonerate his involvement IMO. She might have done those things exactly, but there were no questions that target HIS behavior and interest level.

Those questions seem flawed in and of themselves as they usually ask you about you, and about your actions in the situation. I'm not a polygraph examiner of course but the reliability of the results are dependent on a skilled examiner.
 
#14 ·
Here's my take on he-said/she-said issues, whether they are general or specific like yours: He told his version of the truth. She told her version of truth. And right in the middle somewhere is THE entire truth.

Something to consider.
 
#15 ·
You're right, if hubby is telling the truth, I don't blame him for being a jerk to my dad after my family rallied against him.
No SIL did not take a lie dectector test. I asked her to and she said yes, but then the therapist me and hubby were seeing at the time said it wasn't a good idea so I didn't go through with it. We started seeing a different therapist who said hubby should take it and he did and passed. My therapist said I need to believe him and he's done everything he can to prove he is truthful. However, I think our initial therapist was correct that a lie detector is not a good idea....bc I still struggle with doubts, the whole thing is just unbelievable. I really don't want my kids to go through a divorce based on one he said she said incident....yet by staying with him I loose my dad and brother and his fam which hurts me to the core. I'm mad hubby and SIL for staying up alone together. However, even if SIL's version is accurate, I'm furious with her for not slapping his hand away and leaving. Instead, she took off her sweatshirt wearing just a tight tank top (which is bizzare, who does that when alone with a married man?), after being touched inappropriately she waited to see what he was going to do next, and she searched the house for him to the point of coming into our bedrm to find him. She did not leave the situation, he did. I have been inappropriately touched before by a married man who was drinking and I immediately left so that it didn't get to a point where it would destroy a marriage/family!!! I also never said anything about it for a few months when I finally told my husband but made him swear not to do anything about it bc it was a drunken mistake.
 
#17 ·
You're right, if hubby is telling the truth, I don't blame him for being a jerk to my dad after my family rallied against him.
No SIL did not take a lie dectector test. I asked her to and she said yes, but then the therapist me and hubby were seeing at the time said it wasn't a good idea so I didn't go through with it. We started seeing a different therapist who said hubby should take it and he did and passed. My therapist said I need to believe him and he's done everything he can to prove he is truthful. However, I think our initial therapist was correct that a lie detector is not a good idea....bc I still struggle with doubts, the whole thing is just unbelievable. I really don't want my kids to go through a divorce based on one he said she said incident....yet by staying with him I loose my dad and brother and his fam which hurts me to the core. I'm mad hubby and SIL for staying up alone together. However, even if SIL's version is accurate, I'm furious with her for not slapping his hand away and leaving. Instead, she took off her sweatshirt wearing just a tight tank top (which is bizzare, who does that when alone with a married man?), after being touched inappropriately she waited to see what he was going to do next, and she searched the house for him to the point of coming into our bedrm to find him. She did not leave the situation, he did. I have been inappropriately touched before by a married man who was drinking and I immediately left so that it didn't get to a point where it would destroy a marriage/family!!! I also never said anything about it for a few months when I finally told my husband but made him swear not to do anything about it bc it was a drunken mistake.
You always put your spouse first(even before family). Your H took the test. The administer of the test has your H has passing the pointed questions. The SIL apparently has done the drunken escapade before a few year back.
 
#19 ·
That's what's so ironic about this whole thing, my H has gotten drunk 1 or 2 times in the past 12 years, same with me. We r just not big drinkers, 1-2 drinks every week or two. Yet look what happens, it only takes once. my bro and SIL get drunk frequently, my SIL has been known to through back 20 beers in one night or 2-3 bottles of wine (I'm not exaggerating). In fact I would label her a "binge drinker" or maybe a "social alcoholic". So, obviously not smart to drink with them. We learn the hard way.
 
#21 ·
My intuition tells me they were both wrong, probably him more than her. But I just don't know for certain. He has been adamant that he didn't do this, but parts of his story just doesn't make sense. My family is not punishing me so much as punishing him. They will not be around him anymore. There is also a history of them not getting along with my husband. Some of it has to do with the fact that I work and he is a stay-at-home dad, and they have a hard time grasping that. Another part of it is that in the beginning of our marriage, I would air dirty laundry to them whenever we fought. It took me a couple years to learn that this was toxic, and I stopped. The other part of it is that he can be arrogant and can rub people the wrong way, and has definitely done that with them.
 
#22 ·
My intuition tells me they were both wrong, probably him more than her. But I just don't know for certain. He has been adamant that he didn't do this, but parts of his story just doesn't make sense.
What exactly doesn't make sense?

Some of it has to do with the fact that I work and he is a stay-at-home dad, and they have a hard time grasping that.
It's not that they don't understand him- they have no respect for a man that is doing traditionally what a woman should be doing (don't kill the messenger - that's just how it seems!)

Another part of it is that in the beginning of our marriage, I would air dirty laundry to them whenever we fought. It took me a couple years to learn that this was toxic, and I stopped.
Oh wow - so he's screwed no matter what. He will always be guilty because you have trained them that he is bad and wrong. Doesn't matter if you corrected yourself.


He's the issue I have with her side - I know of no woman what so ever that would wait to see what would happen next after he put his hands on them in an inappropriate way. Then go looking for him after a break in the "action". Sorry, her side has some plot holes


Here's a few things to consider:
1) he passed the lie detector
2) no matter what happened he left (verified by both when baby started to cry)
3) if he put his had(s) on SIL why didn't she hit him, leave, scream?
4) after the baby crying - why oh why did she come to your room to check on him?
 
#23 ·
Sorry if you've already said this, but how long was it between the supposed incident and when he took the polygraph? If he had enough time to become comfortable in his lie, there's a much better chance of him passing as only physical manifestations of stress are monitored. And of course there are a million different things that can influence results.

But I tend to agree with peeps here, it sounds like the truth is somewhere in the middle... but the SIL's story sounds more believable to me. Also, she told your brother straight away. Your husband waited until things started getting messy. But I also don't understand why your SIL would have gone looking for him the baby gave her a chance to escape (I can think of a few reasons, but a great majority of people would choose to walk away ASAP).

It all sounds really sketchy.
 
#24 ·
I agree they threw each other under the bus. I think both their versions are correct except she didn't come in your room and grab his crotch.

She took off her sweatshirt and he touched her boob and called it luscious. She grabbed his crotch and said let's do it in the mudroom. It would've probably escalated but then the baby cried, she left and he chickened out. Why your husband added the part about her coming into your room, I have no idea. Maybe he thought it would add some credibility to his story.
 
#28 ·
I don't drink.

But I assume someone who binge drinks more often will have better control than someone who does not.

Sil alcoholic. I think she knew what was happening and manipulated the whole thing to settle some old score.
 
#30 ·
Imo, leave your FOO to stew in their own juices. They should never have been involved in it (other than brother and SIL) to start with. Taking sides is unforgivable and nasty, not just to your DH, but to you.

Obviously they are BOTH lying, as you already think. Your DH grabbed her boob and she grabbed his crotch and DH had a bit of a reality check when she went to check on her baby. She wasn't going to stop, which is why she went looking for him, probably hoping he was stripped off and waiting somewhere for her to join him.

I think you should tell your DH flat out that you don't completely believe him, and it pisses you off that he's conveniently leaving stuff out of his story to cover his arse, but you do believe he chose to stop, and at least there is that. If I were you, I would also tell him that he obviously can't be trusted to be alone with another woman who may come on to him, especially while drinking, so if he ever puts himself in that situation again, you know he's setting himself up to cheat.

Just remember, you made a vow to your DH. He should come before FOO imo. You betrayed him too, early in your marriage, by creating a toxic situation between him and your FOO. Now's the time to stop running to them and stand by him.
 
#31 ·
Spouse and children come before FOO, ALWAYS. Breeze is right - you betrayed your husband by sharing your marital woes with your parents early in your marriage. That you no longer do it is irrelevant - the picture was painted.

Both your hubby and SIL put themselves in a compromising position, and both behaved inappropriately and are now scrambling to cover their butts. Lay down some boundaries with hubby, along with what the consequences will be if he violates them, and then enforce them if you have to.
 
#32 ·
Spouse and children come before FOO, ALWAYS. Breeze is right - you betrayed your husband by sharing your marital woes with your parents early in your marriage. That you no longer do it is irrelevant - the picture was painted.

Both your hubby and SIL put themselves in a compromising position, and both behaved inappropriately and are now scrambling to cover their butts. Lay down some boundaries with hubby, along with what the consequences will be if he violates them, and then enforce them if you have to.
Regarding the bolded part in pink...

What does FOO mean?
 
#34 ·
SIL has never really liked H, mostly bc of jealously towards me and H, but also H has done things in the past to make her mad. Like I said, H is a stay-at-home dad and I work. So he takes care of the majority of things around our home (yardwork, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, running kids around, you name it). Her husband, my brother, is completely worthless at home and with her kids, he doesn't help at all. So she has always been jealous of the help that I get from H. In addition, although they do just fine, we make more money than they do, and she has always been jealous of that. She constantly puts down The way we raise our kids, because we discipline, have bedtimes, etc. Her children stay up as late as they want and there's very little discipline. H and I are fit and active, and she and my brother are not. She is quite round (with very big boobs) but always puts herself down, calls herself "fat and ugly" and feels bad about herself. I would say that at times she is mildly depressed. Anyway, she has never liked H and H has always thought that she is a depressed alcoholic.
 
#35 ·
It was a couple months btwn incident and polygraph test. We started going to counseling right away bc I didn't believe his version, or at least parts of it. Our first therapist told us that bc H has never given me reason in the past to think he was lying/cheating/flirting (no porn, his phone/email is an open book) that I need to be mad at him (and SIL) for the things I know happened (for staying up with her, for not telling me right away) and let the rest go bc I will only know that something inappropriate happened and I will never know the truth. He also said a lie detector was a bad idea. The second therapist said they r very accurate, and so H took it and passed. She says I need to believe H. But I don't fully believe H. Although I do think both were wrong. I would never strip down to a tight tank top while alone with a guy, nor would I stick around if he touched me inappropriately, nor would I search the house for him. In fact, I have been in this situation before when a married man made a pass at me. It was one of our friends when we were out at a restaurant/bar. He put his hand on the back of my jeans, and I immediately walked away to talk to other people in our group. I didn't tell my husband about it for a few months, because I didn't want him to get mad and say anything to the guy (who was married with kids). And since I removed myself from the situation right away, nothing more happened.
 
#37 ·
It sounds like there was more going on than you will ever find out about for sure.

But it seems pretty clear that your husband didn't go through with it.

I wouldn't divorce over an incident like that, but I would certainly make it clear that one strike is all he gets.
 
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