I was scared to ask what she could contribute for fear of her reaction. Yes... walking on eggshells. [Your 5/12 post.]
In that case, MK, I suggest you add one more book to your reading list:
Stop Walking on Eggshells. It's the best-selling book targeted to the abused partners of BPDers (i.e., people having strong to severe traits of Borderline Personality Disorder).
Am I alone with a crazy person here? [4/30 post.]
Perhaps so, MK. Yet, "crazy" behavior is NOT what you're describing here. For behavior to be considered "crazy," the person must lose touch with
physical reality, e.g., believing that the TV new anchor is speaking to her personally. That is, she must have a distorted perception of physical reality. In contrast, you're describing behaviors that suggest what is distorted is her perception of your intentions and motivations:
- "Conflict comes easily."
- "Jealous... she takes it waaay too far. Very extreme... and false accusations."
- "Unreasonable and unsupportive behavior."
- "Always been a bit sulky."
- "Accuses me of lying."
- "Needy."
- "Takes offense easily and reacts with anger/unkindness."
- "Jekyll and Hyde. This is a big negative."
Significantly, these behaviors are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD. I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.
Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.
Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Only a professional can do that. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend $150/hour to seek a professional opinion and help you avoid marrying a woman exhibiting many strong warning signs.
Jekyll and Hyde. This is a big negative. For all the great things about her, when she goes into this mood it is terrible. Gone is the sweet, loving, funny girl I know replaced by someone possessed by an evil spirit.[5/11 post.]
MK, if your GF has strong BPD traits, she is so emotionally immature that she cannot tolerate experiencing strong conflicting feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, or other grey areas of interpersonal relationships. For this reason, her subconscious mind will "split off" all of the conflicting feelings, putting them far out of reach of her conscious mind.
The result is that a BPDer will flip back and forth between perceiving of you as "all good" (i.e., white) or "all bad" (i.e., black). As you likely already know by now, such flips can occur in ten seconds. This, of course, is the same
black-white thinking you will see in all four-year-olds, who are adoring Daddy when he brings out the toys and hating Daddy when he takes one away.
Like those young children, BPDers are too immature to handle the grey areas in between the polar extremes of their emotions. Hence, when they are splitting you white, BPDers can be absolutely wonderful to be around because they are caring and loving (albeit, in an immature form of love). And, when they are splitting you black, they perceive you to be Hitler incarnate and will treat you as such. It therefore is common for the abused partner of a BPDer to complain that he feels like he's living with a
Jekyll/Hyde -- or living with a woman
who seems to be half-way to having a multiple personality disorder.
Due to this roller coaster ride, you often will get the impression that the BPDer has greatly improved. Indeed, BPDers will regularly be seen to "greatly improve" in the same way smokers are frequently seen to be "quitting" once again, throwing away their "last" pack. Yet, instead of seeing lasting improvement, what you likely are seeing is just another upswing in the unending roller coaster ride. It will soon be followed by the downswing.
As to your statement that the
"loving girl" is often replaced by
"someone possessed by an evil spirit," that is how an abused partner of a BPDer will often feel even though it is not true. Generally, BPDers are caring and loving people most of the time. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct. A BPDer's problem is not being "evil" but, rather, "emotionally unstable."
This is one reason a BPDer is prone to throwing temper tantrums and hissy fits over very minor offenses (real or imagined). It nonetheless is important that a BPDer be held fully accountable for her bad behavior, which means she must be allowed to suffer the logical consequences. Otherwise, your enabling behavior will destroy her opportunities for confronting her own issues and learning how to manage them.
In arguments, she does not respect the fact that when I feel I'm losing my calm, I need to go outside for some fresh air. She calls it a "provocation" to hurt her. [5/11 post.]
If your GF has strong BPD traits, her refusal to allow "time outs" is to be expected. The primary reason is that BPDers lack the emotional skills to do self soothing or other types of emotional self-regulation. Being unable to calm themselves down, they intensely feel that the issue must be resolved RIGHT NOW even if it takes all night. Accordingly, even the most petty and smallest of arguments take on an immediate urgency, as though a crisis of major proportions were occurring.
My BPDer exW, for example, would follow me around our home -- room to room -- whenever I tried to take a time out to allow things to cool down. Due to her inability to self sooth, she would be up half the night because she was unable to sleep. In contrast, whenever I managed to escape her, I would be asleep in 15 minutes.
Given that you're not yet ready to leave your GF, my advice is to see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD red flags to see if they seem to apply.
An easy place to start reading is my list at
18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in
Maybe's Thread. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, MK.