General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I've been dating a guy for about six weeks. So far, it's been wonderful. We're highly compatible and very attracted to each other. He's been nothing but courteous, thoughtful, and respectful in every way. I wouldn't say I'm head over heels for him (it's way too soon for that), but I really, really like him and I feel like there's true potential. He tells me all the time how "into" me he is.
But tonight something happened totally out of the blue that absolutely floored me. He told me that he needed to be honest with me...that he had a fishing trip to Colorado planned for July with an ex girlfriend who he hadn't seen in 20 years. He had made plans with her months ago. But...he tells me...he has no romantic interest in her and he just wanted to be up front. I was stunned. I told him that he needed to make his own decision about the trip, but that, in all honesty, him spending a week in a condo with an ex girlfriend (despite his assurances that nothing would happen) wouldn't sit well with me and I couldn't guarantee that I would be around when he came back. So, when he hears that, he suddenly backpedals and says he'll cancel the trip. What bothered me the most is, why would he even consider going on a trip with an ex when he's starting a new relationship (and yes, we've slept together and discussed our desire to be in a monogamous relationship) and he claims he's so into me? And why put it on me to be the bad guy and make a decision about whether he should go? It seemed like he was asking for my permission.
The whole thing triggered some very bad feelings and stirred up some major trust issues that I've been working on since breaking up with my ex several months ago. I became physically agitated and upset and told him I needed to leave. He actually blocked my way and begged me to stay...telling me how important I am to him and how badly he wants things to work. He was visibly upset. But all I wanted to do was run away...fast! I told him I needed to go home and have some time to think. I explained that I spent years in a relationship where I was accused of being untrusting and suspicious, but that my ex never did anything to demonstrate that he was trustworthy and, in fact, did a lot of things to make me NOT trust him. I also told him that I didn't like the person I was when I felt insecure and suspicious and that I NEVER want to be put in a position again where I am cast as the "bad guy".
To me this is a huge red flag, and I've foolishly overlooked red flags in the past. A few years ago, I would have explained his behavior away, convincing myself that he was just worried about backing out on plans that he felt obligated to follow through with. Now, my gut instinct is to bolt.
Am I overreacting? He was clearly upset that he might have driven me away. Should I give this guy another chance or should I trust my gut? I think his behavior is really bizarre. So confused!
I personally think you are overreacting a bit and putting some of your past trust issues onto this new potential man and you may ruin what could otherwise be a great relationship.
Yes, I agree that it's a little weird that he was planning a trip with an old girlfriend. But they haven't seen each other in 20 years and he planned it months before he even met you. He was upfront with you about it, which shows he is actually desiring to be honest and trustworthy (even though you seem to be taking it the opposite way) and he offered to cancel the moment you seemed upset. He obviously cares more about you in six weeks than he does about seeing his old girlfriend. That's a good thing!
You can't expect someone you've been seeing for six weeks to completely rearrange their life and plans immediately upon meeting you. He had these plans already, before he was in a relationship, he told you about them and agreed to cancel them for the sake of your new relationship. I'd say those are all pretty good signs that he really cares about you and wants to make this work. He sounds like a pretty good guy to me!
I think it is a red flag. If he was "Into" you, this was something he should have just canceled on his own and never told you. When I was dating my wife, I had a sure thing available to me and declined. She never knew about it and still does not.
Actions speak louder than words. However you feel about it and whatever happpened in your past, the gist of it is that A) he was up front with you about the trip, and B) he cancelled when he realized how upset you were. After knowing you for a mere six weeks.
Yeah, he could have kept that all to himself. Said nothing then disappeared for a week in July on a "business trip". Or even said he was going on a fishing trip with his "brother" or good friend, "Joe", "Bob", or other guy's name. Someone telling the truth isn't trying to hide anything.
I wouldn't bolt at only that one thing. Might not even be a red flag. Guys think differently than girls. I had to ask my husband (then new boyfriend) to take down his profile on a dating site. He wasn't using it and didn't think it was a big deal to have it up even when we were exclusive.
I think it's really good that the guy was upfront with you. Since he told you and it was an ex from so many years ago and the plan was made well before you, he probably didn't think it was a big deal. But he wanted to do the right thing and check with you. Sounds like he thought he was doing the right thing and it backfired on him. He was honest and you punished him for it.
If there are other red flags, then you should pay attention, but I just don't see what you described as being bad, all on its own.
I would be bothered but 6 weeks is not a commitment. This trip was planned long ago. He was honest. He didn't have to tell you about the ex. Posted via Mobile Device
I think I have scar on the back of my hand from whacking it on something in the garage that's older than 6 weeks. I am 6 weeks late in getting a 4 wheel alignment for my car.
I can understand you being worried, even a little clingy but 6 weeks is 6 weeks. There is probably 98% of him that you don't know at this point. I would not be excessively anxious about this because honestly, you really don't know where your relationship is going after 6 weeks.
If you guys decided you were monogamous and he tells you he wants to go away with an ex-girlfriend for an entire weekend, yeah, I would prob not continue dating him. Cause the thing is, while he told you (commendable) he saw nothing wrong with it.
I'd like to be completely up front with you, too. He intends to nail this girl like he only has one weekend to frame a barn. They may have first made plans "months ago", but obviously the've been regularly communicating. Continuing such a relationship while purporting to be in a monogamous sexual relationship with you was dishonest and disrespectful. Blocking your exit was another display of disrespect. There are more red flags here than at a Chinese Memorial Day celebration.
This is so subjective. I don't believe he wants to cheat on you during this trip (as a person who is friends with my ex's and not at ALL into them romantically and I know I would not cheat on my H if I was with them for a weekend or a week or whatever), and I do feel you over-reacted a bit. But for some people it's just an absolute NO in tolerance for what he wants to do. I consider that having trust issues. Other people disagree with me on this. So I guess it's just a subjective preference thing. I'm sorry that's not a very clear cut answer. You're right to be upset and he's right to want to be trusted. Maybe you're not compatible in this sense, I'm sure you can find a way to work it out though.
I agree with unbelievable. If he goes, he intends to have some sort of sex with the girl. Fishing trips are intimate. There is a lot of alone time and tons of time to bond and talk. Thats why fathers take their kids on these. Its a chance to spend some real quality time together. Your not going to take an ex on one and not screw.
The question is, do you have a problem with that? If you do, then he isn't the right guy for you. If you don't, then you may have a future together.
Either way, what do you intend to do while he is away? Sulk and worry, or date and have fun yourself? Personally I would do the second. Then compare notes with him on which of you got laid more.
When your dealing with cheating, you have two ways to cope. Either Whine and have a pity party in the dark, while your significant other has fantastic sex, or you can get up, dust yourself off and go out and have fun too.
And BTW, you don't give up old friends for a six week old relationship. Sex is not a ring. If sex is a commitment to the op, better wait until marriage. Posted via Mobile Device
Is This a Red Flag or Am I Overreacting 
