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Seeking female opinions..was I wrong for asking for advice from other women?

6K views 64 replies 18 participants last post by  bimarriedguy 
#1 ·
Ok, so it all started back when I was a senior in high school. I came from a rather small town, and people were super close minded there, including my parents. A few people had came out of the closet, but not many. Anyways, I would notice myself checking out other men's penile regions during P.E. I didnt think much of it at the time, as I thought it was normal and that I was just comparing the size of my penis to other guys.

Fast forward to my freshman year of college, and I noticed that I started becoming more curious about anything that involved the penis. From giving oral sex, to getting anal..the curiosity grew by the day. I started looking at bi and gay porn on occasion, and that just made the fantasies more intense, more vivid. Fast forward a couple years, and I meet my wife. Urges are still there, and trying to push them away. I began to seek the advice from her female friends after we graduated from college. I didnt know how to handle my thoughts, and thought it was a good idea at the time.

The sad thing was, it ended up costing my wife and i the friendship with her best female friend from college. The girl was in our wedding too. Apparently she didnt appreciate me talking to her before my wife. Anyways, presently I am in therapy for all of this, and my wife and I have spoken a few times about things..but its always kinda akward. It has been discussed twice. Once after she found out i had spoken to other women, and the second was after i had trouble performing during sex.
 
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#2 ·
Well, you were wrong for talking to her female friends and not your girlfriend/now wife, but even more than that, it appears you were wrong in marrying a woman.....
 
#5 ·
Woman here. Wrong for you to talk to other women. People are judgmental in many ways and this puts you and your wife in an awkward position. Your wife did not know that you have bi-sexual tendencies before she married you. You talked to other women, but not her. She did not sign up for this.

How old are you and your wife? Are you and your wife seeing a marriage counselor? You might need one as you are having difficulty with your sex life.
 
#7 ·
Just my own boundary but out of respect for my spouse, I only discuss my sex life with my spouse and neutral third-parties. A neutral third party would be my doctor or gynecologist, a counselor or the good and bad folks here at TAM because I maintain a semblance of anonymity here.

I know that for me, as much as I am pro LGBT rights and have LGB friends, it is my preference to only date/marry a straight man. It would be difficult for me, finding out my husband/spouse had bisexual or homosexual tendencies would be very troubling if not a deal-breaker. I suspect it is for your wife although it may not be. I do have friends that this would be a non-issue for them.

Finding out my spouse was talking to other women about our sex life or his fantasies and attractions etc. would feel like a violation of my boundaries. I'd feel disrespected. Especially if I was the last in the loop and he didn't go to me first about it. Exceptions to this would be if it were a professional or non-biased third party.

I understand you come from a less progressive area or at least those in your immediate circle are not as accepting of people who are LGBT but hindsight being what it is, it would have been better to determine where you stand with your sexuality before marrying someone. I don't know what it's like to be a man who is curious or turned on by the same sex. However I can tell you that as a hetero woman, I've never been turned on or curious or tempted to experience sex with another woman or confused about how I feel about it so going by that I am pretty confident in my heterosexuality. Since you have felt some ways differently about it but towards men logic would have that you may be bisexual if not Gay. Especially if you ever experience difficulty becoming aroused by your wife or other women.

All of that said, I am sorry you're struggling with it. I would not wish to be conflicted about my sexuality. I could imagine it is not easy.
 
#15 ·
Why did you think it was ok to talk to your wife's friend about this? You said that you did not feel that you could talk to anyone, but you did.

What advice did you ask from your wife's friend? How long did this go on?

One of the reasons that its wrong to ask for advice on personal things from another woman is that this is how intimacy is built between men and women. It usually starts with sharing intimate information... letting someone get closer and closer to you.

Your wife's friend knew more about you than your wife did and probably still does.
 
#17 ·
Basically, i asked my wifes friend if I ever came off gay to her. If she ever wondered about my sexual orientation. She said no, then proceeded to ask me if i was questioning mine. I vaguely said yes, to an extent..and then she told me i should be talking to my wife about it..which i agree with. This went on for about 2 years..although we didnt talk too often about it. One day, she stopped responding to messages..then i attempted to apologize and reconcile..she then deleted me from facebook and proceeded to call and text my wife about it.
 
#20 ·
Since you already know it was wrong, what are you actually hoping to receive advice about? I think you need to reflect more on what you need now that the situation is out and you are dealing with the aftermath, rather than focusing on questioning something to which you already know the answer.
 
#26 ·
Allow me to be Frank,

“There are two kinds of pain. The sort of pain that makes you strong, or useless pain. The sort of pain that’s only suffering. I have no patience for useless things.”

Bro,
labels don't define you, you define yourself.

Be honest with yourself, if you aren't sure what your sexual preferences mean to you, all that means is you aren't sure what your sexual preferences mean.

Nobody says you must study, experiment, explain, and label yourself.

As far as opening up to your wife's friends, without talking to her first, how humiliating for her. If I had questions about my sexuality, I wouldn't be talking to my wife's girlfriends...
 
#27 ·
I admit, it was a total wrong decision. Once i talked to her, she told other girls that we knew. The 2 years it went on was basically random facebook talks. I was never interested in this girl on a sexual level. Not suprisingly, it got to the point where if i knew someone, they had most likely heard something..or just assumed that my wife was with a gay man. At least that is what this girl told her on the phone..that she was worried she was married to a gay man.
 
#32 ·
It got to the point that her sisters knew as well. Or had heard things at least. If i could go back and have a do over, would i? you bet. But, I cant..and sadly things are just getting more intense in regard to the curiosities.
I've been in your wife's shoes, only what everyone else knew and I didn't was that my husband was a serial cheater. So, let me assure you that there's very little you could possibly have done that would cause your wife more humiliation. It's sort of irrelevant whether you ever acted on your homosexual curiosities. Everyone in your social circles has been gossiping, snickering, behind your wife's back - for years - about her gay husband.

That your intensely poor boundaries with women kicked all this off, is a profound betrayal of your wife and your relationship. You've painted your wife as an utter fool to all who know her - and you kept at it for 2 years, just in case anyone had any doubts. Understand that, aside from dealing with the news that you might be gay or bi-sexual, your wife is also trying to process the betrayal of being the absolute last to know something so deeply personal. Frankly, it's that which is likely to end your marriage, rather than just whatever sexual identity crisis you may be having.
 
#31 · (Edited)
I only have three pressing questions that I can think of:

(1) Is your personal counselor a male or a female?

(2) Anytime in your 33 years, either pre or post-marriage, have you ever had a wanted or an unwanted bisexual or homosexual experience?

(3) In your youth, were you ever a victim of child molestation?

I heartily agree with the bulk of my TAM brethren here that, for various and sundry reasons, that it was inherently wrong to bypass your W on this concern because as your W, she should be your biggest fan and confidante. And to see out counsel from friends of her friends only lends itself to either having them talk and gossip behind your back, or even worse, having your private conversations summarily leaked back to your W and other friends!

The only two people that should be privy to all of this is foremostly your W and your counselor.

Now if you really want anonymous third party advise, then bouncing it off of the folks here at TAM or any similar site is certainly OK. But be forewarned that in doing so, you may not get the unanimous or consensus answer that you may be looking for, chiefly because of the marked probability of so many differing opinions on such an issue as this!
 
#34 ·
This all came out about a year ago. Her and I had random discussions over the 2 years before that. Maybe every few months. To answer the questions of other posters, the curiosity is to have a sexual experience with a man. Mostly oral. I've never been molested or anything even close to that. My therapist is female.
 
#36 · (Edited)
Where I was greatly coming from was from the standpoint that had this been your W going through a similar sexual preference identity situation with her sporting perhaps an innate infatuation with females, as well as her curiosity regarding lesbian sex, wouldn't you expect her to bring those problems of hers, first and foremost to your doorstep, more especially since as her loving H, you have the greatest interest at stake in trying to salvage what is left of your married relationship to her?

Does that, in any way, stand to reason?
 
#37 ·
Good evening all
I'm going to cut the OP some slack here. This is a really tricky problem. Talking with someone else doesn't have the risk of driving away the woman he loves. It would be nice to think that his wife would have been able to sit down and have a calm discussion about it, but some people can't do it. I've seen on these boards women and men who are terrified / horrified that their partner might be gay and might leave them.

It would be better if he could talk to his wife, but that would depend on her as well.



For the other part, the OP needs to ask himself an honest question: is he sexually attracted to his wife, and is he willing to be faithful to her for the rest of his life? It doesn't matter if he is also attracted to other women or men - after all most married men are also attracted to other women but (hopefully) they do not act on that attraction.

Having a same-sex attraction gives no more right or need to cheat than an opposite-sex one.


OTOH if the OP really is attracted to men, and not to his wife, then for both their sakes they should divorce
 
#38 ·
I was extremely scared it would drive her away. Yes, i was wrong for seeking advice from other women first.

As far as being attracted to her still, I am..but our sex life is almost non existent. When we do have sex, I feel like she does it because she feels obligated to, and not because she wants to. It is boring as well, as she is pretty shy sexually. I am not asking to do anything freaky, but just spice it up a bit.
 
#39 ·
At this point, she may consider a kiss as freaky. Since you are interested in oral with other men, she may find that a complete turnoff. She may also be wondering if she has already kissed you after you have performed oral on a man. Not saying you have - but the thought may well be in her mind.

It might be a good idea to take sex off the table until you figure out your own sexuality and she becomes comfortable with it.

I don't mean to beat on you, but seriously, you just had to ask her best friend? There weren't any other women you could have asked? Didn't you consider for even for one minute that her BEST friend would tell her? Do you have 'stupid' stamped on your forehead?
 
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