Well I’m English as well. To overcome your emotional retard-ness (been there) get yourself a copy of Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman), you wont regret and it’ll be a little inner journey for you.
My wife was in an EA with a mate. I never felt angry at him although I did feel very disappointed and let down by him though. I’d always told myself that if my wife had an affair I’d hold her 100% responsible, nobody else including myself. My anger was at my wife, although as Scannerguard says I could understand where she was at.
But women are totally different and I don’t agree with Scannerguard as to the reasons why. In my mind the woman will carefully select her next Man, her Mate. And they spend time doing this and they are far more “emotionally involved” with the New Man they’ve picked out long before they allow the first kiss, the first hand on her breast, the first unclasping of her bra etc.
And I think even though it may be subconscious, Men know these things. And that’s why we are so very disappointed and yes angry because our wife has “given herself” to another man. We know she let herself be taken.
If it was me I wouldn’t believe a word my wife said. Based on my experience I just would not believe a word that comes out of her mouth. But then as an individual I have become immensely cynical about these things. Make sure you get yourself checked for STDs, you don’t have to tell your wife you’re doing it. Never under estimate the affects of all this on yourself and what you are going through. Do not trivialise it or let your wife trivialise it.
Also have a look at the following from Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering
Betrayed Spouses Bill of Rights
In a world where a marriage is as likely to end as not, we sometimes forget what a partnership is in the early days after discovery of infidelity. We lose ourselves in the desperation to hold onto your loved one. Remembering your rights will help you no matter which path your marriage takes.
1- You have a right to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. By having an affair, your spouse has closed off the relationship with you and opened one with the OP (other person). You have a right to insist this is reversed for your healing and to assure that loyalties have been realigned.
2- You have the right to trust- but verify. Trust has been broken, ‘snooping’ is not snooping. It is verifying that someone proven to be a liar, sneak and cheat has changed their ways. Like an addict, a WS(wayward spouse) will often go back to their emotional fix. You have a right to verify this is not happening.
3- You have the right to insist there are only two people in the marriage. That choice was made when you made vows to each other. Even a moment with a third person is too much. You owe your WS no time to ‘think about it’. There’s a marriage or there’s none.
4- You have a right to know who the OP is, the flip of this is you do not have a right to harm or harass this person. Hold yourself to a better standard than the OP did.
5- You have the right to choose to give the gift of reconciliation or to divorce. You have the right to take some time to make that choice. If you one day realize you cannot live with the truth of what has been done, you have the right to walk away.
6- You have the right to insist your WS gets STD testing done and to see the results. Even if the WS claims it has not gotten physical, as many WSs will admit to “only a kiss” when it has gone much further.
7- You have the right to insist that your WS initiates and honours NC (no contact) immediately. You have a right to have input and to be a witness to how NC is established.
8- You have a right to set and enforce boundaries. This is not blackmail or any of the other negative words your WS might use. This you protecting yourself.
9- You have a right to hold onto evidence for as long as you need it to feel safe. Your WS has created an atmosphere of risk and danger. It is natural to have a safety net to counteract what has been brought into your marriage.
10- You have a right to know who your WS’s friends are and the nature of their interactions. If it is kept a secret, it is not healthy for the marriage and therefore something is amiss.
11- You have the right to out the affair to anyone you deem will help you and/or your marriage. This is not your secret to keep, this is not your shame to hold. You owe no protection to those that failed to protect you.
12- You have a right to heal on your timeline. As long as you are making steady progress, you are healing. It is a slow process and a WS that says things along the lines of, “You’ll never get over this!” does not have a full grasp of the damage betrayal causes. This is a healing process that takes from 18 months to five years.
13- You have a right to yell, cry, fall apart and otherwise handle this in any way that relieves some of the devastating pain, shock and loss of trust. Your world has been turned on its end. You do not have the right to physically, verbally or otherwise abuse your spouse.
14- You have the right to insist on a true marriage. A marriage of partners, where you love, honour and protect each other. If you feel your marriage is missing one of these components, either fixing it or leaving are your only two options. You don’t have the right to cheat and/or turn someone else into a betrayed spouse.
15- You have a right to love yourself. Often the betrayed have forgotten themselves as an individual. This is the optimum time to remind yourself that you are unique and lovable in your own right. That as much as you might love your spouse, you should love yourself enough to refuse any sort of mistreatment.