My wife of 10yrs kissed my friend
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Old 06-16-2011, 02:29 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife of 10yrs kissed my friend

and the weirdest thing is that can't work out how I feel. I apologise in advance about the length of the post, but I have to vent.

It happened a few weeks ago apparently, but I only found about it this morning. We have been friends with this couple since forever, and I have never had any qualms about my wife going out with other people without me – I'm not the jealous type. My wife and my friend went to this party which turned out to be crap. They got drunk and went back to his place (his wife was away at the time). They carried on drinking and ended up kissing.

Now my wife said that he kissed her, and that it was a drunken one-off, but after speaking further it transpired that after the first kiss she didn't leave, and she ended up kissing again. In my mind, that's not a one off. She could have left after the first kiss, come home and told me the truth but she didn't. In fact she wasn't going to tell me at all, preferring the "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" school of thought. She HAD to tell me when my friend couldn't live with himself and felt he had to come clean to his wife. Her hand was forced into telling me the truth.

Apparently his wife rung mine and shouted at her that she never wants her near either of them again. My wife asked whether I would go and hit this guy. Not that she wanted me to, she was just worried that I'd totally lose it and give the guy a pasting.

TBH I really don't feel angry with him. Is this wrong? I am really disappointed (that doesn't sound strong enough), but I'm not going to hit the guy – that's not going to make me trust my wife again.

She's the one I'm angry at. I know it's just a kiss – it's not like she's been having an affair, but to me it's a trust issue. She knows that I am big on 'truth being the best policy', regardless of the consequences, but she had decided that I shouldn't know the truth, and that what's got me – the willingness to deceive, rather than the action itself.

I know WHY my wife did it. I can understand the drunken motivation. (although I can't understand why HE did it). At least, I can understand on an intellectual level, but not emotionally. I feel angry and betrayed by her – over such a stupid thing, but not nearly angry enough I think. I feel numb –*not heart-broken, but not far off. There's no anger at him, just disappointment. Is that sexist?

I don't know what to do next. I'm not going to leave my wife and two kids over a couple of drunken kisses, but I can't see how I can trust her again. Honesty and trust are absolutes to me, I either trust someone or I don't. I don't know whether I should talk to my friend's wife or whether that will upset her further – she's upset enough by the sound of things. I can't just go and smack this friend just for appearance's sake – I feel like I want to talk to him too, but I don't know what I'd say. At least he valued honesty, and that has to count for something.

I'm English, and therefore emotionally retarded to some degree. Not sure what to do next...
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Old 06-16-2011, 04:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife of 10yrs kissed my friend

Quote:
I'm English, and therefore emotionally retarded to some degree. Not sure what to do next...
LOL. . .well, I'm a bit Scottish and we've got a temper.

Your feelings are all normal. You seem to have a sense of sadness and loss vs. raging Scottish anger.

Here's what's known. . .beleive it or not, it has been shown that men are more capable of forgiving a wife's dalliance than a wife is capable of forgiving a husband's dalliance.

Why?

Well, researchers don't quite know and aren't quite sure. . .but they seem to think men can really understand when a woman does somethign sexually compulsive, esp. under alcohol. They can, in other words "relate." When they can relate, they can sympathasize. When they can sympathasize, they can forgive.

Apply the opposite to women. . .they can't relate, therefore, they resent, and then hold grudges for lengths of time that legends are made of. They actually have no ability to relate. . .the man was simply just hungry for sex and the other woman looked delicious. Women relate to the incident as not compulsiveness. . .it's an act of disrespect to them (when respect is usually the furthest thing from teh males mind at that point).

That's why I think you aren't spitting wooden nickels. . .on some level, you can "relate" to what she did.

This is why the wife in this case IS spitting "wooden nickels." She can't relate why her husband could possible go make-out with another woman while drunk. His relationship may indeed be over. He may have done right by actually pre-empting it and coming clean as women often hate the lies more than the act itself (whether kissing or sex)

I'll tell you what. . .since you aren't spitting wooden nickels, use her dalliance to your advantage - take that fishing trip or hunting trip you've been longing for and tell her you are gonig to go think about things for awhile.
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And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.

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Old 06-16-2011, 04:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife of 10yrs kissed my friend

First things first.

Do not imagine that there is any right or wrong way to "feel" about this. Simply process the situation in the way that is best for yourself and your family.

Your wife is the one making her vows to you, so of course you are upset at her for her transgression. YOur male friend, however innapropriate he acted, was the one to come clean to his woman, so in that it is easier to move forward in that.

Had it bee your wife that was forthcoming with you first, how much easier would it have been!

TO move forward? This is simply this:

1. Do NOT do anything, such as "hitting" your male friend or confrontation just because your wife or anyone else under the sun "expects" you to. Do only what YOU decide in the best interest of yourself and family. Be decisive, be firm, but act from YOUR leadership.

2. Do consider scheduling marriage counciling for both yourself and your wife, and go! You have many emotions and issues to work out, some things maybe you not even aware you are feeling, so take the initiative to give your family the best chance to overcome these in a structure environment such as marriage counciling. Taking the lead on this, you give your woman chance as well to feel respect for you and address attraction issues to you that is lacking, else she not easily tempted to stick around from kisses from other men, or tempted to "protect" you (protect herself) by keeping secrets.

3. Spend time at this forum to study "Manning up" section. THis is good to see how fatal it is to any sexual relationship to be too "boring", which is often the result of the man who "Trusts" his woman to a fault, his trust being interpreted by his woman as lack of interest, passion, or desire for her.

My guess, your woman would love to see you go "hit" this other male friend, not becuase it would be helpful to the situation (it would not), but because she craves to know her husband is willing to fight for her, and desires her, and is passionate and extremely jealous about her after all.

Some links:

The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference

Similar situation, but from woman perspective:
Beginnings of EA. Tell husband?

All other good men reading this, do not hide your jealousy to your woman, let the fire show time to time, your woman need to feel they are worth being jealous over!

I wish you well.
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Old 06-16-2011, 05:21 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Macfool,
Well I’m English as well. To overcome your emotional retard-ness (been there) get yourself a copy of Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman), you wont regret and it’ll be a little inner journey for you.

My wife was in an EA with a mate. I never felt angry at him although I did feel very disappointed and let down by him though. I’d always told myself that if my wife had an affair I’d hold her 100% responsible, nobody else including myself. My anger was at my wife, although as Scannerguard says I could understand where she was at.

But women are totally different and I don’t agree with Scannerguard as to the reasons why. In my mind the woman will carefully select her next Man, her Mate. And they spend time doing this and they are far more “emotionally involved” with the New Man they’ve picked out long before they allow the first kiss, the first hand on her breast, the first unclasping of her bra etc.

And I think even though it may be subconscious, Men know these things. And that’s why we are so very disappointed and yes angry because our wife has “given herself” to another man. We know she let herself be taken.

If it was me I wouldn’t believe a word my wife said. Based on my experience I just would not believe a word that comes out of her mouth. But then as an individual I have become immensely cynical about these things. Make sure you get yourself checked for STDs, you don’t have to tell your wife you’re doing it. Never under estimate the affects of all this on yourself and what you are going through. Do not trivialise it or let your wife trivialise it.

Also have a look at the following from Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering

Betrayed Spouses Bill of Rights
In a world where a marriage is as likely to end as not, we sometimes forget what a partnership is in the early days after discovery of infidelity. We lose ourselves in the desperation to hold onto your loved one. Remembering your rights will help you no matter which path your marriage takes.

1- You have a right to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. By having an affair, your spouse has closed off the relationship with you and opened one with the OP (other person). You have a right to insist this is reversed for your healing and to assure that loyalties have been realigned.

2- You have the right to trust- but verify. Trust has been broken, ‘snooping’ is not snooping. It is verifying that someone proven to be a liar, sneak and cheat has changed their ways. Like an addict, a WS(wayward spouse) will often go back to their emotional fix. You have a right to verify this is not happening.

3- You have the right to insist there are only two people in the marriage. That choice was made when you made vows to each other. Even a moment with a third person is too much. You owe your WS no time to ‘think about it’. There’s a marriage or there’s none.

4- You have a right to know who the OP is, the flip of this is you do not have a right to harm or harass this person. Hold yourself to a better standard than the OP did.

5- You have the right to choose to give the gift of reconciliation or to divorce. You have the right to take some time to make that choice. If you one day realize you cannot live with the truth of what has been done, you have the right to walk away.

6- You have the right to insist your WS gets STD testing done and to see the results. Even if the WS claims it has not gotten physical, as many WSs will admit to “only a kiss” when it has gone much further.

7- You have the right to insist that your WS initiates and honours NC (no contact) immediately. You have a right to have input and to be a witness to how NC is established.

8- You have a right to set and enforce boundaries. This is not blackmail or any of the other negative words your WS might use. This you protecting yourself.

9- You have a right to hold onto evidence for as long as you need it to feel safe. Your WS has created an atmosphere of risk and danger. It is natural to have a safety net to counteract what has been brought into your marriage.

10- You have a right to know who your WS’s friends are and the nature of their interactions. If it is kept a secret, it is not healthy for the marriage and therefore something is amiss.

11- You have the right to out the affair to anyone you deem will help you and/or your marriage. This is not your secret to keep, this is not your shame to hold. You owe no protection to those that failed to protect you.

12- You have a right to heal on your timeline. As long as you are making steady progress, you are healing. It is a slow process and a WS that says things along the lines of, “You’ll never get over this!” does not have a full grasp of the damage betrayal causes. This is a healing process that takes from 18 months to five years.

13- You have a right to yell, cry, fall apart and otherwise handle this in any way that relieves some of the devastating pain, shock and loss of trust. Your world has been turned on its end. You do not have the right to physically, verbally or otherwise abuse your spouse.

14- You have the right to insist on a true marriage. A marriage of partners, where you love, honour and protect each other. If you feel your marriage is missing one of these components, either fixing it or leaving are your only two options. You don’t have the right to cheat and/or turn someone else into a betrayed spouse.

15- You have a right to love yourself. Often the betrayed have forgotten themselves as an individual. This is the optimum time to remind yourself that you are unique and lovable in your own right. That as much as you might love your spouse, you should love yourself enough to refuse any sort of mistreatment.
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Old 06-16-2011, 07:08 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife of 10yrs kissed my friend

Just a Yank here, but I think she wanted you to hit him so that it would look to anyone else, and she could convince herself too, that he took full advantage of her. Of course, I wouldn't buy it with her hanging around for the "2nd" kiss.

Or, it could have been what they call a fitness test.
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Old 06-16-2011, 07:12 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife of 10yrs kissed my friend

I agree with AFEH. In addition, I'll disagree with your seeming assumption that her drunken state somehow gives a pass, in a sense.

You know, in my college days, I did some really stupid things when drunk. Like waking up on a train bridge about 25 meters in the air, with a train coming. It impaired my judgement, but I'm not too sure it impaired my morals. If she was blindly faithful to you ... well, it just doesn't make sense.

Take some time to process it. Tell the wife that you will not discuss it until you can do so with a clear mind, because your words will impact the future of the relationship.

I'm noticing that she didn't completely forget the incident, yet it took a threatening call to make her come clean. This is the thing you should think about. She wasn't drunk while processing whether to admit it or hide it.
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Old 06-16-2011, 07:12 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Or, it could have been what they call a fitness test.
Fitness test? What's that?
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Old 06-16-2011, 07:14 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Macfool View Post
I'm English, and therefore emotionally retarded to some degree. Not sure what to do next...
That made me crack up.

Sorry for the troubles my friend. Sounds like things have kinda worked themselves out, but I'd say yall might want to consider some MC just to keep things on the right path. There's a reason she did what she did in spite of the alcohol. Nip it in the bud.

Good luck.
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Old 06-16-2011, 07:16 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by AFEH View Post
My wife was in an EA with a mate.
What's EA? Also, thanks for the Bill of Rights, and although it was only a kiss not a full-on affair, there's still some points to remember here.
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Old 06-16-2011, 07:50 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Isn't that why they call it driving while impaired? Would you prefer she were stone cold sober and stuck her tongue in his ear?
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Old 06-16-2011, 07:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife of 10yrs kissed my friend

Thanks for all the input. I'm meeting the other injured party tonight to talk it over. She's a mess.

By which I mean she's upset, not that she looks like a bag lady.
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Old 06-16-2011, 08:01 AM   #12 (permalink)
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What's EA? Also, thanks for the Bill of Rights, and although it was only a kiss not a full-on affair, there's still some points to remember here.
EA means "emotional affair"--an inappropriate emotional attachment to a person of the opposite sex outside the marriage.

See fitness tests for more information about them.
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Old 06-16-2011, 08:19 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Thanks for all the input. I'm meeting the other injured party tonight to talk it over. She's a mess.

By which I mean she's upset, not that she looks like a bag lady.
LOL I think you're going to get through this just fine.
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Old 06-16-2011, 10:17 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I think it's a good idea you are meeting with the wife.
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Old 06-16-2011, 11:00 AM   #15 (permalink)
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First of all, sorry you are going through this. That stinks.

You wife DID cheat. She made out with a guy other than you. She was drunk, but that does not excuse her behavior.

I am glad you are mad at her. The guy was not cool to kiss your wife, but SHE is the one who broke your marriage vows. She has very poor boundaries and what she did is a serious betrayal. I hope she doesn't try to minimize how she's hurt you.

It is going to take you a while to learn to trust her again. She must be willing to earn your trust back by doing the work to fix her poor boundaries and figure out why she was willing to go back to another man's house after a party and then make out with him. For all you know, they could have slept together but she's just saying they kissed because she's doing damage control. It happens ALL THE TIME when one spouse cheats. And it is very likely that she had some flirting/emotional involvement happening with this guy before the big night.

I would make your wife agree to no contact with the man or his wife again. Leave them alone. They are not the issue. (Just read you are meeting the wife. That is fine to corroborate your stories, and to make sure NC is kept between them, but nothing beyond that). Your wife is the issue. Maybe she was feeling bored, or wanted to see if she still "has it". She needs to grow up and deal with those feelings in a non-destructive way.

So bottom line - your wife needs to do a lot of work to fix herself and regain your trust. It takes a good year or two, if not more, for couples to heal after something like this, so it's going to hurt for a while.

Last edited by Laurae1967; 06-16-2011 at 11:08 AM.
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