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Does your spouse know you visit TAM?

6K views 46 replies 33 participants last post by  MarriedDude 
#1 ·
I've seen a lot of posts here talking about how transparency when it comes to social media, cellphones (etc) is ideal in relationships. This isn't something I agree nor disagree with, I don't really think about it. This is partially because my husband has never made an effort to hide anything from me, partially because I have never had any concerns about infidelity.

When my husband found out I used TAM, he (jokingly) asked if I was talking sh*t about him, because people only join these kinds of forums when they're having problems in their relationships. This was kind of true for me, although our relationship wasn't the problem - I joined about a dozen relationship/pregnancy forums at the time because I was unsure how to break the news of impending doom (babies #6 and #7, in the end I never asked for advice and sent him a text instead because that's the way of the hip, modern coward). I stuck around here because I like talking and reading about other people's lives.

And I think a lot of people here are in the same boat as me, but not everyone. Some people here are in seriously crummy situations - or not, but they're definitely not posting about how great their marriage is, or they're posting details about their relationship that not every person would want out on the internet.

I definitely think people have a right to privacy and a right to seek advice in a safe environment without interference, but I wonder if the "access all areas" rule extends this far? Does your spouse know you post here? Do they know what you post here? If not, why not? Do you think they would have a problem with what you were posting? If they used the forum, would you expect to have access to their account?
 
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#2 · (Edited)
I've seen a lot of posts here talking about how transparency when it comes to social media, cellphones (etc) is ideal in relationships. This isn't something I agree nor disagree with, I don't really think about it. This is partially because my husband has never made an effort to hide anything from me, partially because I have never had any concerns about infidelity.

When my husband found out I used TAM, he (jokingly) asked if I was talking sh*t about him, because people only join these kinds of forums when they're having problems in their relationships. This was kind of true for me, although our relationship wasn't the problem - I joined about a dozen relationship/pregnancy forums at the time because I was unsure how to break the news of impending doom (babies #6 and #7, in the end I never asked for advice and sent him a text instead because that's the way of the hip, modern coward). I stuck around here because I like talking and reading about other people's lives.

And I think a lot of people here are in the same boat as me, but not everyone. Some people here are in seriously crummy situations - or not, but they're definitely not posting about how great their marriage is, or they're posting details about their relationship that not every person would want out on the internet.

I definitely think people have a right to privacy and a right to seek advice in a safe environment without interference, but I wonder if the "access all areas" rule extends this far? Does your spouse know you post here? Do they know what you post here? If not, why not? Do you think they would have a problem with what you were posting? If they used the forum, would you expect to have access to their account?
Wait, so you told your husband about a set of twins (after already having 5 kids) via text? Maybe I shouldn't, but I find that funny :).

To answer your question, no, my STBX has no clue I'm here. One, he hates writing so he'd never take the time to type out anything more than necessary on the internet, and Two, he has way too much pride to seek advice like this. With his high school education, he's even too smart for lawyers.
 
#4 · (Edited)
My SO has been a TAM regular for years. She would share stories with me from the forum, her and I would discuss them, and 99% of the time we would agree with each other on the proper course of action. Most of them were "no brainers".

I don't worry if my SO will "talk $#!+" about me. She has a spine of titanium. If I do something to piss her off, or she needs to discuss something with me about "us", I know she'll do it with me, and not with the forum -- I never have to worry about attempting to translate "hint-eze". If she feels something about our relationship would benefit someone here, I don't care if she posts about it or not; it isn't as if anywhere here really knows who I am (other than her, and the mods I imagine).

This is really her forum, not mine. She knows my user name and can have my password if she wants it. I'm usually on my wood-stove forum, or my tractor forum. Manly forums, where we discuss things like building wood sheds, chainsaws, and 3-point hitch attachments. Where I don't get banned for saying something politically-incorrect in the hyper-feminism school of "relationship advice".

I don't even remember why I created my own sign on. I think it was to add my 2 cents to a Steak and Blow-Job Day discussion. Or maybe a discussion on "Why Drones are better than BJs" (present relationship excluded, of course! >:)) I forget.
 
#5 ·
Nope, he does not know. Although I have lately saw on his computer TAM in browser history. That made me be more careful about sharing some recognizable details. I am not sure if he visited this site because he somehow figured out I am here, or just found it on his own in his saving teh marriage quest.
 
#6 ·
I really don't have the first damned clue if my rich, skanky XW knows if I am a TAM'er or not! Hell, I'd be totally surprised if she even knew of its existence.

When I first found and joined TAM, it all came about as a result of a Google search in February of 2012. The "trial separation" was actually initiated on May 21, 2011.

Perhaps one day she may well find the need to come here for advice and solace, just as I did.

But in doing so, maybe she might just find some particular thread that simply slams her, greatly like a mule being similarly hit across the snoot by a 2" X 4"!
 
#10 ·
From my very 1st thread here....probably when he came home.. I shared my Opening post, telling him about this wonderful forum with all these in depth posters , it sucked me right in.....we went through the replies together..

Myself hanging out on forums was nothing new to my husband....he was used to that.. from Parenting, Photography/camera, christian, home improvement, computer, frugal forums, etc etc ... anything I had a question about... I was googling a forum for it ...

My Husband has an account here, he has posted about 40 some times.. his replies are very short .. but I loved that he stuck his head in. I get a lot of "What IF" scenarios reading threads here.. I enjoy bouncing things off of him.. getting "his take"... we have learned some new things about each other (even after 30 + yrs) just opening up some of the issues here... learning lots to teach our growing teens about relationship dynamics.. the great importance of compatibility.. and all that.
 
#11 ·
Yes he does mainly because i tell him everything and hide nothing from him as i do not need to. He knows all the sites i visit and hes not bothered. He sits next to me when i am on my laptop and he does not look what i am doing there is nothing i say on here that i would not say to him if he asked:smile2:.
 
#31 ·
Pretty much the same for me. I think there are really two questions here:
  1. Should your spouse have to know & have to approve, and then
  2. Does your spouse know?
I may be in the minority here, but I think a personal zone of privacy is not only OK, but arguably beneficial to a marriage.

Maybe in a perfect marriage there wouldn't be any incompatibilities, or grave relationship problems, and there simply wouldn't be a need for any such zone of privacy. If the intent of posting private and intimate info here is to improve one's marriage, I don't see how anyone who's similarly had to deal with an imperfect marriage can criticize.

But my problem is I don't feel perfectly confident is my privacy here, either because of some technological failure ("hacking"), or because I mistakenly write something that links my real and screen identities.

I know my wife isn't particularly comfortable with my posting things here, since I have mentioned it. I think she regards it as just another manifestation of my being too analytical. (seems like most couples are really opposites in various ways: such as one very analytical and the other not)

Although I think I'm right to post personal and private things here, in the interest of improving our marriage, but I'm much more comfortable posting personal stuff about me than about her, so I attempt to more limit what I write about her.
 
#15 ·
I think when/if I start dating again I should look for someone who doesn't think it is weird that I post on internet forums. My STBX would think my fascination with this site, and another I post on (not relationship related), is totally bizarre.
 
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#18 ·
Yes, he knows and doesn't like it.

He doesn't like me participating in anything on the internet. It's okay if I look or copy recipes or something like that; but he doesn't want me participating - even though he knows I do, because about 75% of the time he is sitting about 8 feet away. He'll sometimes mock it out loud. Like he'll pretend he's somebody on TAM and he'll say in a whiny, goofy voice, "have you left that azzhole yet, he sounds like such a creep". And I just agree that everyone on here hates him and you guys are constantly advising me to get out, etc. etc.

I don't go to a counselor, and I wouldn't talk to any person I know in real life about my "bad" feelings.



I sometimes think I should leave here; but it has helped me to sometimes just type stuff out and unload my brain.

I like internet stuff in general, my husband isn't much of a talker. So, I get a lot of mental "companionship" from the internet, books and our collection of movies/tv shows.
This makes me feel sad for you.
 
#22 ·
My wife found a couple of my threads, mainly the one about our Valentine's Day Massacre and the one I posted in CWI, where I thought she was hiding something because she wouldn't reveal the PW for her phone and some other suspicious behavior. I didn't really think she was having an affair, but she apparently thought I did, based on the fact that other people thought she did. Overall, she isn't happy with me posting on this site, because she feels other people judge her unfairly, which may be true.

I even considered quitting this site. She tells me I shouldn't seek advice from people I don't know, but rather we need to work it out ourselves.
 
#23 ·
Yes he knows I post here and he knows my screen name as well. He has no interest in posting here. In the earlier days of our issues I would not have welcomed it either. Now I wouldn't mind but it doesn't appeal to him. He prefers books for his "self help". I really like the discussion here. This place helped me out in one of the darkest times in my life - more so than counseling or reading certain books ever did. I think the anonymity this site provides (save for a few people I have PM'd with) also keeps my posts more authentic and I hope others' posts as well.

Outside of relationship baggage, I find different conversation topics and debates that go on here interesting so I come back for that too.
 
#24 ·
Yes, Hubby knows and I shared my user name and password with him. He's never logged on though. At first he was pretty surprised and his reply to me was "we don't have any issues, why would you join a site like that?" but when I explained that I was on here to learn about stuff I see in my job and also to share stuff with members here he was completely OK with it. I share stories with him and we talk about things that we would not other wise talk about. We've learned a lot about each other from these discussions which is all good.
 
#26 ·
My husband knows. I posted my first thread when he was away. I found this site when, how would you say it, I was awakened? I was home and climbing the walls. I didn't understand what was going on. I have always been more of what you would call "good girl" By coming here I also found out sooo much about men in general, that I had know clue about. I wasn't sure how to really talk to my husband about what was going on, so at the suggestion of others, when he came home I showed him the site and my thread!! We have not been the same since :)
 
#28 ·
Yes, she does. She isn't interested in most of the threads but we do discuss some every once and awhile. She is ok with what I post for the most part I keep details she would consider too personal off limits. I don't think she regularly reads my stuff but I know she has in the past because she mentioned something I wrote almost verbatim during an argument once.

My PMs go to personal email which she has access to so she can read those but she can probably guess my credentials here though she doesn't know them. If she had an account here it would be like other accounts with assumed access on demand.
 
#38 ·
My husband doesn't know. Although if he had a suspicion, it would be pretty easy for him to figure out who I was on this site. I don't tell him, though, because I really need a place to say things without thinking he will hear/read them. Sometimes I just need to work through some things before actually talking to him about them, if that makes sense. And I'm not comfortable talking to my friends or family yet about my marital issues.
 
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