Unhappy wife = unhappy husband (crap, I'm the husband)
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Old 06-16-2011, 10:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Unhappy wife = unhappy husband (crap, I'm the husband)

This is my first,

Background: My wife and I have a 9-month-old son. She stays at home and takes care of him while I work.

My wife doesn't get any joy from me. She says she loves me, and I'm sure that in some way she does, but honestly, I feel like I can do no right. I feel completely unwanted both physically and mentally. I feel like I nothing I do makes her even moderately happy.

What can I do to make my marriage better?

I thought I knew the answers to that one, and they are as follows:

1) Make more money.
2) Clean more.
3) Make more simple decisions. (where to eat, what movies to watch, etc.)

I'm too sensitive about a lot of these issues, I'm aware. I shouldn't take offense to the things she's unhappy about; lack of extra spending money, our inability to live in a house, not stocking foods she likes because they are too expensive or any of the other hundred or so little things that make her life miserable to live, but I do.

Example:
When we leave home and I ask her to grab a snack, she doesn't because she wants 'real food'. (Real food consists of intricate meals designed to blow your taste buds away, and if that's not a possibility macaroni and cheese will do) and that upsets me because she says we can't afford them or the snacks she likes, which is a direct reflection of me and my ability to provide.

I know she doesn't mean it that way, but that's how I perceive the comment, as an attack on me. Any complaint about our lives, I take personally because it's my responsibility to look after the family unit.

I just want her happiness. and I feel like the I'm the problem. What do you think?
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Old 06-16-2011, 02:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy wife = unhappy husband (crap, I'm the husband)

Our current economy makes it hard for a lot married couples, especially those with children, to rely solely on one income to support their household. You have been able to financially support your wife and 9 month old child, which allows her to be a stay-at-home-mom. You need to give yourself some credit for that. Many new mommies must go back to work once the baby is 6 weeks old. Iím certain those mommies would gladly give up their favorite snack foods and other luxuries to stay home with their babies.

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Originally Posted by itwillgetbetter View Post
My wife doesn't get any joy from me. She says she loves me, and I'm sure that in some way she does, but honestly, I feel like I can do no right. I feel completely unwanted both physically and mentally. I feel like I nothing I do makes her even moderately happy.
Has your wife said these things to you? Your son is still rather young, many adjustments are made in marriages when children come along. You are both probably still trying to make those adjustments. However, you do need to tell your wife how you are feeling. Sit down together with a household budget plan, so she can see exactly how the money you make is helping to support all three of you.
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Old 06-16-2011, 02:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy wife = unhappy husband (crap, I'm the husband)

No. Your not the problem of her happiness. But you are the problem yours. Big time.

Go to the men's forum. Read the sticky at the top about nice guys. See if anything reads true to how your acting. Read two books, to give you some insight into you...
No more mr nice guy
Hold onto your nuts.

The problem, from your brief post, is that you put your wife on a pedestal, and you think doing all these things for her will make her happy, and in following, she will be so grateful to you that she will swoon all over you, give you BJs every day, and you will get non stop sex from her just for being nice.

It doesn't work that way. At all. You need to Man Up. Meaning, you need to take control of your own happiness, your boundaries, and your happiness in life. Oddly enough, when you work on yourself, become more alpha, man up, and take control of you....it has this strange affect of making your wife swoon all over you, give you BJs every day, and you will have non stop sex. Well, ok, maybe not nonstop, but you get the point.

Read the sticky. And the books.
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Last edited by alphaomega; 06-16-2011 at 02:24 PM.
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Old 06-16-2011, 02:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy wife = unhappy husband (crap, I'm the husband)

Quote:
Originally Posted by itwillgetbetter View Post
This is my first,

Background: My wife and I have a 9-month-old son. She stays at home and takes care of him while I work.

My wife doesn't get any joy from me. She says she loves me, and I'm sure that in some way she does, but honestly, I feel like I can do no right. I feel completely unwanted both physically and mentally. I feel like I nothing I do makes her even moderately happy.

What can I do to make my marriage better?

I thought I knew the answers to that one, and they are as follows:

1) Make more money.
2) Clean more.
3) Make more simple decisions. (where to eat, what movies to watch, etc.)

I'm too sensitive about a lot of these issues, I'm aware. I shouldn't take offense to the things she's unhappy about; lack of extra spending money, our inability to live in a house, not stocking foods she likes because they are too expensive or any of the other hundred or so little things that make her life miserable to live, but I do.

Example:
When we leave home and I ask her to grab a snack, she doesn't because she wants 'real food'. (Real food consists of intricate meals designed to blow your taste buds away, and if that's not a possibility macaroni and cheese will do) and that upsets me because she says we can't afford them or the snacks she likes, which is a direct reflection of me and my ability to provide.

I know she doesn't mean it that way, but that's how I perceive the comment, as an attack on me. Any complaint about our lives, I take personally because it's my responsibility to look after the family unit.

I just want her happiness. and I feel like the I'm the problem. What do you think?
I think you are being used and that she needs to get a job ASAP. I think its foolish to allow a woman to stay home this day and age. Mindsets and outlooks have changed drastically since the 1920's. Where as people used to be happy with small homes, thrifty living, and basic necessities, they have now been trained to be consumers. Their minds have been shaped to want the newest fad and the biggest thing. People have become very selfish and self centered. You can not place this mindset in a stay at home situation. It wont work. She wont be happy until she is out of the home earning her own money. You need to place a phase out plan for her return to the work force. She needs to consume.
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Old 06-16-2011, 02:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy wife = unhappy husband (crap, I'm the husband)

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Originally Posted by WhiteRabbit View Post


I think your wife is spoiled and is behaving in a bratty way BIG TIME.
I would cut off a limb to be able to go back in time and raise my little boy myself instead of having to dump him at daycare for 10 hours a day. She needs to be THANKFUL that her husband hustles his hiney off to be able to give her the SAHM lifestyle that so many of us mommy's didn't get with our children. obviously you care deeply about her happiness or you wouldn't be here talking about "what can I do to help her"...she needs to recognize she has it pretty fabulous as is.

UGH i get so frustrated at greedy spoiled a$$ women.

Sorry!
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Old 06-16-2011, 02:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy wife = unhappy husband (crap, I'm the husband)

alphaomega speaks the truth. I've made some adjustments in my outlook, and the sex has really taken off as a result.
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Old 06-16-2011, 03:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy wife = unhappy husband (crap, I'm the husband)

Quote:
Originally Posted by alphaomega View Post
No. Your not the problem of her happiness. But you are the problem yours. Big time.

Go to the men's forum. Read the sticky at the top about nice guys. See if anything reads true to how your acting. Read two books, to give you some insight into you...
No more mr nice guy
Hold onto your nuts.


Quote:
The problem, from your brief post, is that you put your wife on a pedestal, and you think doing all these things for her will make her happy, and in following, she will be so grateful to you that she will swoon all over you, give you BJs every day, and you will get non stop sex from her just for being nice.

It doesn't work that way. At all. You need to Man Up. Meaning, you need to take control of your own happiness, your boundaries, and your happiness in life. Oddly enough, when you work on yourself, become more alpha, man up, and take control of you....
Not to the EXCLUSION of being a loving partner, but as a PART of being a loving partner. When I read people say this stuff, I nod yup, yup. BUT don't misread it to mean the polar opposite of turning into a jerk is the answer!


Quote:
Read the sticky. And the books.
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Old 06-16-2011, 08:53 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy wife = unhappy husband (crap, I'm the husband)

Have you talked to your wife about how she is unhappy??
Don't overlook the whole post partum depression. New moms go through a heck of a lot with their bodies, hormones, trying to be a good mom etc. Maybe she is having a really hard time adjusting to the new role of having this little one totally dependant on her.
she may just be a high maintenance woman but ask her what is going on.
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Old 06-17-2011, 12:41 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy wife = unhappy husband (crap, I'm the husband)

one line i heard and has stuck with me---

make more or require less..

we cant make more, so we have to require less...

i stay home with the kids, and if i "require" some of the finer things, i will need to seek employment...

early in our relationship, i said and did these things...i learned it was mean, and it hurt my husbands pride and feelings, i know he is doing everything possible to provide for us, and i was comming across like a money grubbing royal b!tch...

i think its normal early on and with a baby, its just so much going on and life as you knew it is over, and a new life is taking form.

so make more or require less, and if she wants the finer things, she will need to beat the block and pay for it herself...just my thoughts.
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Old 06-17-2011, 01:15 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy wife = unhappy husband (crap, I'm the husband)

You and your wife have apparently decided it's a good idea for your wife to remain home and be "mom" in these formative years. Any number of studies prove the wisdom of giving a kid great parenting before age 4 or 5.
You both are making a crucial investment to give your child the best start in life. Wise move and if the price is that you live lean for a couple years, it's well worth it. If the price is that you have to listen to a few snippy comments, it'd be well worth your sacrifice when you see your child graduate college.
All you can do is the best you can do. Rich guys hear their wives gripe, too. You can't earn enough to buy peace. You're doing your best to suppport your family. They are safe, sheltered, and well fed. Anyone asks for more than your best, tell them to bite you.
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Old 06-18-2011, 10:08 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
You and your wife have apparently decided it's a good idea for your wife to remain home and be "mom" in these formative years. Any number of studies prove the wisdom of giving a kid great parenting before age 4 or 5.
You both are making a crucial investment to give your child the best start in life. Wise move and if the price is that you live lean for a couple years, it's well worth it. If the price is that you have to listen to a few snippy comments, it'd be well worth your sacrifice when you see your child graduate college.
All you can do is the best you can do. Rich guys hear their wives gripe, too. You can't earn enough to buy peace. You're doing your best to suppport your family. They are safe, sheltered, and well fed. Anyone asks for more than your best, tell them to bite you.

Unbelievable , you are so right.. that sounds funny..LOL . I was a SAHM for 13 years and never *****ed when or where my DH took me out, as a woman, women have it to easy now a days. Our DH go to work day in and day out, basically slaving away for us to stay home with the kids, and then we complain about our lifestyle!!! I used to be one of those women but changed my focus... thank God!! I so hate to hear women ***** about their husbands, when I know first hand a man expresses how much he loves his woman and family by going to work every dang day to provide for them
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Old 06-19-2011, 03:20 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy wife = unhappy husband (crap, I'm the husband)

Me & my husband sacrificed many comforts for me to be able to stay home with our children, even when my husband had a lower paying job that most would consider foolish to not have the wife working also but we paid every bill on time and still managed to save for our future. We used cloth diapers, eating out was more of a luxery-if we did, we only buy water to drink, always used coupons for groceries, rebates, bought on sale only, when we wanted to see a movie -we go to the $1 theater .

There are ways to save $$ while married young and struggling financially. But it is like a working against the wind if she can not see the value of lowering her expectations some on food choices and luxeries while she is staying at home.

It is a change of lifestyle, your wife needs to see the value in it- for the long haul.

Not exactly sure how to get her on board, but if she was willing to read a book like any of these Amazon.com: frugal living books: Books -to get some ideas on "living within a budget" while the 2 of get financally more on your feet, this could save alot of stress on you both.
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Old 06-20-2011, 02:02 PM   #13 (permalink)
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First, was she like that before you got married, before you had the baby, or after the baby was born? She could be depressed (post-partum) however, most get over it within 6mos. The first thing to realize is YOU cannot change her. YOU cannot make her happy. True happiness comes from within. If you allow her behavior to control how you feel and act, you will fall into the trap like so many of us have fallen. You will find your dreams, aspirations killed in an attempt to please her but you will never succeed. You need to keep control of who you are and not let her attitudes pull you down. That said you should talk with her about how you feel and be specific. She may not have realized how she was acting and will try to make positive changes. She may also deny anything and put the blame on you for everything. At the least you will have more of an idea of what kind of person she really is. Marriage counseling may also be a great way to address the issues. Having your first baby can add a lot of stress to a marriage and sometimes professional guidance can help build your relationship.
My wife was like you described, no matter what I did or not do, I was in the wrong. I was the greatest husband around according to everyone except my wife (did diapers, cleaning, laundry, cook, took care of kids, etc.). After 19 yrs of marriage I discovered that she never loved me, I was only the "tool" for her to get what she wanted. Kinda explains why she was never happy. Remember, YOU cannot make her happy, it is her choice to choose how she feels. If she wants to be happy, then she needs to make that decision and change. If she won't change, prepare for a long semi-unhappy life for you and your kid. Talk to her and a therapist and hope for the best.
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Old 06-20-2011, 02:36 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy wife = unhappy husband (crap, I'm the husband)

It does get a bit better. I have been the sole support of my family for nearly 20 years so my W could kick it SAHM style. Now our youngest is 15 and we have one adult kid.
It the beginning, and I hate to tell it this way too...It was like being in a prison. I would go and work my a$$ off at crappy jobs (mostly construction) and at one point was working 7x10's (that's 7 10 hour shifts) a week.
At that time I was berated not only by my W, but I would get to hear some of the choicer things her "friend" would say about me in their bash mr.miketastic sessions. Mostly I was a horrible piece of crap because I forgot to take out the trash one time, or another session was about how I never helped around the house after getting home from a 10 hour shift, and how much of a useless a$$ I was because I "got" to go to work...As if my job was laying on a golden frickin' couch getting feds grapes by pulchritudinous, scantily clad nubile women.

This treatment went on for years, and I hunched my shoulders and put up with it because, despite the nagging, I was responsible for other lives and wanted to make sure they had a good life.
I guess, I am trying to say that I have learned that if my children turn out OK, and take my example of putting up with whatever you have to to put food on the table and provide a good home, then it was not a wasted effort, and maybe I didn't have everything I wanted, or the intimacy but knowing I did right by them is pretty damn close to having everything.
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Old 06-20-2011, 02:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unhappy wife = unhappy husband (crap, I'm the husband)

She may be a woman who does better and is happier with at least some part time work. She also may feel an excrutiating amount of guilt over being unhappy.
There is also the possibility of PPD or the blues. I would be especially wary of that if she is still getting up a lot at night with the baby.

Encourage her to pursue something that she loves. It could be a part time job or a hobby or activity.

I agree with those who have recommended the Man Up stuff. You need to be strong and maintain boundaries. Have fun together as much as possible.

She has to own her pursuit of happiness and so do you.
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