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Alternative Relationships and Marriages

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#1 · (Edited)
Update, March 30, 2018.....

If you are new to this thread, please don't respond to any of these posts from 2015 unless you read the whole thread or skip to the posts at the end made after today's date to see the outcome. Thank you....

(Original post starts here):

I don't know if this will be a good thread or not and have debated sharing this here but finally decided to go ahead with it. This forum is fairly mainstream (and IMO conservative to a point) so that's why I hesitated but eh, here goes.

After over a decade of difficult issues with my husband we have finally separated. At first I did not know what the outcome of this would be.

We are madly in love, have a wonderful sex life, we respect and cherish each other...but we have always had some key issues we couldn't work out. These issues aren't a big deal compared to many marriages, but they are apparently not going to be resolved. We finally had to face this...yet we don't really want to split up. He is the love of my life, that part hasn't changed at all.

When we came to a crossroad and decided to separate, it was really scary. I didn't know if either of us might decide to just end it instead. But what happened was actually quite incredible...

We found that our main problem has really only been living together. We don't have kids in the home anymore, just the two of us, and our basic household style of living just never meshed well. This was the source of all of our unresolveable issues. When we took the living together part of it away, everything immediately got better.

We don't fight anymore, there's nothing to fight about. Our finances are separated, and even though that wasn't a big source of fights, it does help us each to be in full control of our own money and not have to worry what the other is doing. We are easily able to afford two households.

We really should have just kept both of our homes when we got together but like most people, we wanted to live together and merge. For us, that was the worst thing we could have done. We had no way of knowing that until we did it. Now we know better. Getting married was wonderful...moving in together was a disaster.

So at this time, we plan to have a loving, committed but separated marriage. I don't want anyone else, he doesn't either. We date each other and treat each other as guests in our respective homes. We will still vacation together, make investments together, and have each other as our heir in case of death and on life insurance policies.

Another issue coming up is that my mother is going to need some living assistance from me soon...she isn't there yet but it is right around the corner. So the plan right now is that I'm getting ready to sell my house and my mother and I will buy something together. My husband will buy a separate property nearby...or we may find a triplex or something that can accommodate all of us yet give us separate residences.

I know it is conventional wisdom that most separations lead to divorce. I think in our case it is different because neither of us were secretly trying to "get space" just to have more freedom and screw around or something like that. It truly was just that we realized we don't enjoy living together, even though we enjoy being married and committed.

I know there are a few alternative marriage models, usually having to do with the sex side of things: poly, open marriages, swinging, etc. I have actually been poly in the past and my husband has also been in alternative relationships before we met. Those models of marriage are great for some people, too. I really think we all need to rethink the marriage thing. Does it always have to look the same? What if you just aren't happy together in the traditional model but would be in some modified model?

This will sound immature, but the bottom line is that I never again want to fight over whose turn it is to clean the bathroom. I'll clean mine and he can clean his.

I love him so much and I'm so glad this is working out for us. There may be a time in the future when we live together again but for now, it is just like having the best boyfriend in the world and I do not want to live with him.

I think others could benefit from this model as well as some of the other alternative models. And I say this even though I have no moral dilemma with divorce. I think people should not be stigmatized for getting divorced, it is both a risk and an option for everyone. Alternative models may be a good option to avoid divorce for a lot of people though, and more and more are trying it.

This was a good article on this topic:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...hould-traditional-marriage-be-our-only-option
 
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#2 ·
I remember reading an article about six months ago about a couple who is doing this and thought it was a fantastic idea for people like you and your H. Best wishes, and thanks for sharing!
 
#5 ·
The details are very specific to us. We're both very particular about certain things, and as it happens, the things we are particular about annoy the crap out of each other. He wants things his way. I want things my way. Our house wasn't big enough to accommodate us both having things our own way. But even a bigger house isn't going to allow us to do things our own way.

He has crap laying out all over the side yard, but the rest of his stuff is meticulously organized. The crap in the side yard drives me insane and I am tired of looking at it, yet there is no way I can clean it up myself and he'd be angry if I even tried.

I like to leave my work clothes laying out on my stair banister in my bedroom when I get home from work and change into something comfy. I don't worry about hanging them up right away, I just hang them all up or put them in the laundry or dry cleaning bag on the weekends. This drives HIM crazy.

These are just two small examples but there are so many others that it is truly insurmountable for us. We've both tried to compromise and both end up being resentful and unable to sustain the compromise.

I know these are silly, small things that many couples can figure out but we just haven't been able to. Neither of us are right or wrong, we just don't want to change our stubborn ways. I've finally given up trying to change him OR myself and accepted that we both deserve to do it our own way. These things would never have been an issue at all if we hadn't moved in together. We both really did try though, we love each other and wanted to be able to do this in the same home...but after this long and still fighting about stupid things, we were ready to try something different.

I'm so glad we did.
 
#7 ·
It does not really seem like you are separated, more like just living apart.

Dug's sister's best friend in France lives this way with her husband. When they met, his wife had died a few years before, and he had an 8 year old daughter. She bought the house across from his, and they later married, though continuing to live in separate houses.

Seems to work fine. The little girl has not had her life disrupted as much.
 
#9 ·
Did you legally separate?

You know, I am thinking of one of my cousins who got divorced after having been married for some time, maybe ten, fifteen years? She and her husband continued living together after the divorce. My sister said they got along a lot better than when they were married. No mention of other parties. They just preferred to live together without legal and financial attachment, I guess.

Different strokes for different folks.
 
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#11 ·
FW, how long have you been doing this? Do either of you sleep over at the other's house? I'm assuming at least sometimes you do, but how do you decide who will be the one to visit the other? How far away are your homes?
 
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#12 ·
FW the first thing that came to my mind was the new American Dream, you take the town house, I'm moving to the cottage on the lake.

I see it so often, I don't know if finances are separated in most cases, but these couples seem very happily married. And visit each other once a week, taking turns back and fourth.

Your still going to drop by and clean his bathroom right?
 
#13 ·
My business partner and his SO have done this for over 25 years. The only time their relationship doesn't work is when they have lived together or she spends too much time at his house. She has always been more flexible than he is about things and would prefer they were able to live together, but she loves him and so the compromise of two homes works for them.

I am enjoying having my own space more and more since separating and filing for divorce. For the first time in my adult life my space is my own. I am loving having things exactly as I want them, no compromise. I literally went from my parents house to a dorm room, to my marital home. I don't know if I'll ever want to live with someone else again.
 
#27 ·
I am enjoying having my own space more and more since separating and filing for divorce. For the first time in my adult life my space is my own. I am loving having things exactly as I want them, no compromise. I literally went from my parents house to a dorm room, to my marital home. I don't know if I'll ever want to live with someone else again.
I also never technically lived alone before now. I went from high school to roommates to boyfriends to husband #1, then when we split it was me and the youngest kid who was in HS, then my current hubby...no where in there did I live truly alone full time.

I can't say I am enjoying living alone necessarily...I loved being surrounded by people I love my whole life. But this is doing something to my psyche that I realize now was very important, and I'm glad for it. The personal growth is refreshing.

As I said in a previous post, my mom and I will be moving in together soon (and likely will be until the end of her life) and eventually, my H and I may either choose to live together again or we will have to due to the needs that come along with aging. I definitely plan to be the one to wipe his ass when he gets to that point, or to ask him to wipe mine. Ah...love.
 
#14 ·
Ultimately, as long as both parties agree what the terms of the relationship is or isn't and leaves both people feeling fulfilled and better being in the relationship than out of it, then that's a perfect relationship. And what that might look like is different for different people. So, all the best, FW for figuring out what works for the two of you.
 
#15 ·
If this works for both of you, then good for you two for finding a way to make it work!

I know a few couples who have done this for quite a while.

One of my paternal uncles lived in the USA. He dated a woman from Canada for years. When they married they did not move in together. She has a son in Canada. He has no children. They had separate finances and lived in their own countries but would travel together and visit each other often. They were married until he died a few years ago at 95. They were married 30 years or so. But I think that they were together like this for at least 45 years.

My ex (son's father) married woman. She has a daughter and we have a son. They lived together for about 6 years and filed for divorce. She moved back to her home. But they ended up stopping the divorce. They have lived apart since 2006. But they do everything together, vacations, holidays, birthdays, date, etc. It works for them I guess. My son told me that when they were living together all they did was fight and then she'd run off to her mother's for days (she's was in her 40's when they married, not a kid). It works for them.

I work with a woman who found a job in the city where I live. Her husband stayed in the town where his job was. Then he retired and moved back in with her. He came down with throat cancer, He did survive. She took good care of him through all of this. But they just could not really get along living together. So they bought him a house close to her house. They are now getting along pretty well. They have no children. They have been married for about 25-30 years.
 
#16 ·
The separations that usually end in divorce are the ones in which one or both are ready to end the marriage and/or the hurt is so deep that they cannot work through it and repair.

Your not really separated (I know that you know this.). You have just made living arrangements that work for you.
 
#18 ·
Wow OK not what I expected to see logging on this morning.

All power to you FW, I will be interested to hear about your lifestyle choice as it develops.

In Aussie one of the fastest growing segments in types of relationships is monogamous couples that live separately, the main difference is that these are mostly couples that never lived together, post first marriage/divorce type couples. Here separation is not something that is the norm like over there, in that when a couple separate here it usually means they are taking the first step to divorce as they need to be legally separated for 12 months before they can apply for divorce. It is not a lifestyle choice, semantics I know but I would see you more as a two household family than separated.

Anyway our future plans involve selling up our suburban properties and buying two kick arse properties, one inner city with little maintenance (my dream home), a tram ride to the city so we can have more fun going to shows etc. The second will be out in the country which is Mr H dream. We can then be together 7 days a week, or we could spend some time apart in the different homes, the kids can come and go and stay where ever they like, they could have the city pad for a party weekend while we are in the country. I could have a girls weekend in the country and he could have a guys weekend in the city, whatever we want to do.

I see it is being free and fortunate enough to have options and to set your own rules. Sounds like you guys know what will strengthen your relationship, anything is achievable with the right intentions.
 
#19 ·
Two simple words....

IT WORKS!

I think its pretty cool cuz the both of you did your job in completing what you both started {raising kids) and now you can hang out under each others terms.

What I really like is in time...maybe in 20 more years...one of you are going to *want* to live together.....why cuz one of you will be so screwed up they won't be able to wipe their own @ss and wipe the drool from their chin!

Maybe that's why we all stick this shyt out so we can take care of the one we truely love when one of us is so phucking old some one is going to walk off and not remember were the hell they live and at least there will be some one to go out and find the one they love give them and beer and feed them as the wipe the piss off the floor.
 
#21 ·
Good evening
If it works, then I see nothing wrong with it. There is no reason every relationship has to follow the same pattern.

The one thing I think you should be careful about is to be sure you both agree on the relationship parameters. Since the arrangement is non-traditional, you can't necessarily assume that you both have assumed the same rules / guidelines. Just be sure to talk about money, same-sex friends, etc.
 
#29 · (Edited)
I don't know if I will be able to say this quite right, but my husband and I are beyond these type of games. By the time you've had to go through the type of transition we have gone through, and when you've had the types of pasts we've had, there's just no point in cheating or stealing from each other. We'd just walk if we wanted to f*ck other people, and we both have our own money. It wouldn't be a problem for either of us to say "I'm out"...we are both divorced once before and have no moral issues with sex or divorce. If either of us wanted this, the other would just let go with dignity and grace.

The effort we have had to put forth to stay committed, monogamous, kind and loving has required us to be at our very best, our most forthcoming and open, and I'm really proud of both of us.
 
#22 ·
If I get divorce this would be very tempting option to me. I've read that is also becoming more popular, so popluar that tax office in UK has created separate category for tax purpose: Together Living Apart. (People from UK correct me if I am wrong). I think Andrew Sullivan had the whole thread about it on hisblog.

It is cool idea when kids are out of picture and if you can afford it.
 
#30 ·
I've read about "living together apart" because I like the idea of having a SO in my future but I do not like the idea of living with that person.

I had a professor that lived this way with her husband their houses were across the street from each other. The only twist was that they were actually raising 3 kids together and the kids went back and forth like joint custody. Interesting marriage but she was very happy.

FW, I hope this works out for you long term. I can really see the advantages of this type of marriage especially when you are going to be a caregiver to your mother.
 
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#33 ·
Living at home with my mother/stepfather wasn't all that great. But I did have my own room.

And I moved directly from home to living with boyfriend-now-husband.

Every aspect of living seems to be something we can disagree on. Where to hang pictures. How to store stuff. How to arrange the dishwasher. What kind of furniture to buy. How the dishes get arranged in the kitchen cabinet. The direction clothes are supposed to be hung up in the closet. Not making the edge of the drapes hang off the track so they are easier to open, instead of reaching over for the pull cord. etc. etc. etc. Haggle, haggle, back and forth, over and over.

That's a small sample. I could go on and on and on. So, I think I really understand where you are coming from FW. This kind of stuff can just drip, drip, drip and corrode your feelings toward each other.

I don't think I would like to live miles away from H. But, like I posted earlier, two duplexes with a connecting doorway might be nice. I'll confess that I fantasize about stuff like that quite a bit.

I really hope this works well for you.
Well we all know that they are supposed to be hung up with the front of the garment facing the direction of where you enter the room or wardrobe they are hanging in.

FW my ex and I owned two houses next to each other years ago. One we lived in and the one next door was a rental, we often laughed about each of us living in a house each. Funny to look back on now, I wonder if life would have been different if we actually did that. Of course we would not have gotten the rental income though.
 
#32 ·
Well I'm going to go against the flow and here are my comments:

  • To me this works because both of you have probably had marriages before (and maybe kids) and this is your second or third time around.
  • If you were newly married this could easily sound the death knell for the marriage. In short, it would be difficult to develop a deep marital relationship based on this.
  • I cannot see this as a marriage. It is more like you guys are dating exclusively ("we can walk anytime if we want sex with others, we are financially independent, the vows really don't matter etc).
  • But if it makes you happy then why not. But it is not a marriage. And maybe thats a good thing and not what you need.
 
#34 · (Edited)
Well I'm going to go against the flow and here are my comments:


  • To me this works because both of you have probably had marriages before (and maybe kids) and this is your second or third time around.

    If you were newly married this could easily sound the death knell for the marriage. In short, it would be difficult to develop a deep marital relationship based on this.

    I cannot see this as a marriage. It is more like you guys are dating exclusively ("we can walk anytime if we want sex with others, we are financially independent, the vows really don't matter etc).

    But if it makes you happy then why not. But it is not a marriage. And maybe thats a good thing and not what you need.
Don't misrepresent what I said. My response to Richard was specific because he was warning me to talk about rules to guard against cheating and stealing from each other.

Our monogamy and vows are completely in tact by our choice. My point in that other post was that rather than cheating on each other in any way, we would take the high road and end the marriage instead.

Saying mine is not a marriage is just silly since we are in fact married. Many people are married but live in different places for a whole lot of reasons.

You are right that if we were younger and had small kids this arrangement would not be preferable or sustainable.
 
#35 ·
The vast majority of separate marriages are work related, not because one is a neatness freak and the other is not.

Having said this, the driving force - acknowledged or not - is the change you have coming with your mother. That may make the living arrangements be a good thing.

Long term? I don't know what long term means to you. If he's not going to take care of you now when you're down with the flu it will be harder to extrapolate what's his behavior down the road going to be when / if you're down with something more challenging. Long term it's also financially more expensive to support two homes.

At an older age I suppose it's workable. It will be an interesting social experiment regardless. But I do find it peculiar that a couple so well emotionally connected is not able / willing to either compromise or ignore small stuff.
 
#37 ·
It's confusing to us too john. We are both stubborn and kinda crazy I guess. This also keeps us bonded.

He would certainly come take care of me at anytime I needed it, flu or whatever. And I would as well.

He would also still help me take care of my mother if or when needed and he already has done so much for my entire family. The goodwill bucket is very full.
 
#39 ·
I never thought I will come upon this subject on this forum, especially since it's a bit controversial. As I was saying in some other posts of mine my parents had a different relantionship previous their separation.

And that started since I was about 10. They tried to disguise it but I was curious because all my friends family seemed different then mine. My parents were sleeping in different bedrooms and after a while they had their finances separate. And this developed in they living separate . But to me it was confusing at first, but it became the new Normal. In their eyes they were still together even though they had an open relantionship as well and that made me to be embarrassed.

But this aspect of their relantionship was hard to comprehend by the majority of people. And when my husband met them it was certainly something different.

And when I got married I went to sleep in a separate bedroom, and our finances were separate and that was quite a shock for my H. But he had patience with me and I started slowly to be "together " with him and what I found out is that it was very enjoyable. Even our finances was somehow easier to manage.

So to be on point OP it can work if you both are on the same page. But I much rather having the usual lifestyle.
 
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