Some more info:
How long have you two been married?
Do you have children?
Do you work outside the home?
@Elegirl - you didn't post the link to the 180. I would love to follow this as that's exactly what I would like to do. Can you please send it to me??
The link is in my signature block at the end of my post.. it’s in blue like most links are. Perhaps you are on a device that does not see display the signature blocks? So here is it just in case.
The Healing Heart: The 180
Yes they meet at work. They are both interns (doctors) and we're working 75 hours a week together. That's how they develop their emotional connection. They "feel in love" and moved to a physical months later. Yes she is married too and has a daughter. I did expose her to her hubby after they continued the affair. At that point her husband left with their daughter. I also did tell his mom and my sister and hubby.
Ah.. my first husband is a doctor. This is what he did through medical school, internship and residency… one affair after another. It’s ramped in the medical field.
Ok so you have done the exposing and it’s not helped. Sorry about that.
Tell me, how is he paying for his medical education? Is he relying on you to support him?
In regards to if he will do this again. I know there is a higher chance since he has done it once. But he says he will be getting the help (professional) that's necessary to prevent this. Also said that if he ever feels like he has a chemical reaction to someone else he will cut all contact- one he doesn't like hurting me, 2 he doesn't like feeling needy and addicted to someone else. He also wants to work on his selfish streak. Realizes he is extremely selfish. I would like to give him the chance to prove himself to us. But I do know I need to be in the "180" state that you mentioned to get there or be able to move on if he doesn't.
I can see giving him one chance. You are aware of course that all these promises he’s making are probably just hot air right now. It’s a way to make himself feel better about what he’s doing. Actually doing all that work is, well hard work. Most people who cheat do not repeat. But it’s not something that you can just depend on. Is he a person who is good with words and usually knows just the right thing to say?
Yes I'll have him email her that letter. His cut off day is the 24th of this month.
Once it’s emailed, keep a close eye on him to see if he actually does end contact. Sometimes it just drives the affair more underground. There is a good evidence thread around here that will help you know how to look for things. Just search on the work “evidence” in the thread title.
To be perfectly honest I also feel a litter safer that he does this then than before as she is a little crazy, and I am afraid of her reaction. Ex; threathen to call the cops on him because he didn't answer her calls and texts after she received an anonymous call that said he was using her for her car and that we weren't divorcing (he is using her husband's car and I am using his since I shipped my car back to the mainland). Other example is he mentioned the reason he fell in love with me and she rolled the windows down and threw their food out the window. Another one is she threatened to report him to the command (both in army) because he didn't do something she wanted. So I think my family would be safer that he tells her the truth, as he is mentioning it to me, after she leaves.
What was she going to tell the command if she reported him? Does the command know that they are having an affair? Sometimes an Army command will look the other way with affairs, especially between highly desired members like doctors. But once it starts causing trouble all hell hits. If she reports him, the affair becomes even more public. The both of them could be kicked out of the Army or seriously reprimanded. Doesn’t she know this? Why would the command even care if he’s answering her calls and texts?
How do you know she made these threats and that she threw their food out the car window? Were you there? Did you see it? Did she mention these things in an email that you read? If you heard it from him, it could be fabrication that he is using to justify his affair. If you read it in an email between them, it could me misinformation that they have concocted to play you so that they can continue their affair. Sorry to sound paranoid but people who cheat are liars. That is what cheating it all about. They will do anything and lie about anything to continue and hide details of the affair.
You can present them with absolute evidence of things related to the infidelity and they will deny it, concoct stories to refute it. They will turn it around and blame their spouse.
We’ve seen cases here where men tell their wives that the OW’s husband will kill her if he finds out so they have to continue the affair or protect her (when this is not true at all.) OR OW/OM is dying from cancer (or fill in some other awful fatal diseases) and so it would be cruel to end the affair right now.
One that my second husband used was that the OW was pregnant (by someone else) and he was the only support she had because her family disowned her when she got pregnant. What a tragedy, right? I called her and told her to back off or she would see the wrath of God. My husband was already seeing that wrath, I felt she needed to see it too. (No I’m not crazy, just do not mess with me.)
We’ve seen people tell their spouse that the OW/OM is crazy and dangerous so they are trapped in the affair and such poor victims (sound familiar to you?)…. Then it turns out to be a lie.
At this point it is best to not trust anything coming out of his mouth. He has a long way to go to prove to you that he can be trusted ever again.
Protect your family (I am assuming you have children and it's not just you.) He caused this mess. He can end it.
If she continues to be a threat, insist that he tell her that he will file harassment charges against her. Make sure that he keeps all text messages, emails and other correspondence from her. And make sure that he stops incriminating himself.
and do the 180