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Long Distance - trust issues

955 views 5 replies 4 participants last post by  mjalex 
#1 ·
Hi Everyone. My divorce has been final for just over 2 years. I met a guy, through a mutual friend, about 11 months ago. We took things SUPER slow. He lives 2 hours from me and we would meet up on the weekends, for a day or so, that my ex had my kids. We decided almost immediately that we would become exclusive (neither of us are the "sleeping around" type) yet still continue to take things slow. About 4 months ago, we decided to put a label on it and we're now boyfriend/girlfriend (lol I'm 30, he's 38, he is not married and has no kids..) This has continued, to this day, we generally meet up every other weekend, he will come to me or I will go to him. My ex and I divorced on BAD terms. He lied to me for our entire 12 year relationship (5 yr marriage). When I say the entire 12 years, I literally mean the ENTIRE 12 years. It was a bad break up and we still are very hostile towards one another when communicating about our kids. So, I have trust issues. SERIOUS trust issues. Which leads me to why I'm here..

#1: He's a comedian and is big into facebook just to get "recognized", which I get. But damn, his followers act to him as if they are best friends. Always commenting on everything, sending messages (have never read a message, so I can't tell you what they're about), tagging him in things, etc. He tells me to please stop worrying, he's not doing anything wrong. (he even put his relationship status, with me, online) And I truly don't belive that he is doing anything, to be honest, however my trust issues flare up and I pick arguements about it.

#2: I'm also very insecure, because of my marriage, I would consider myself pretty good looking, as soon as my ex and I seperated, I began going to the gym, eating clean. However I'm just super insecure. Always think he's doing something behind my back. I feel "needy" right now. He will tell me that I'm beautiful and I will almost shy away as if I don't believe him.

#3: Communication? We text regularly. It bugs me, sometimes, when I don't know where he is or what he's doing if we go more than a few hours without texting.



After re-reading this post, I look like a total psycho crazy person, but I'm really not. At all. (FTR, I don't let him in on most of this.. he knows FB bothers me, but that's about it) I'm just broken down from my marriage (we were together when I was 16), it's hard finding "me", I don't know who "me" is, to be honest with you. I've never known an adult me. It was always "us". Anyway, I guess I just need some pointers on the long distance thing. He has met my kids, only once, and as a friend only. They talk about him a lot, but it's always a "friend". I'm afraid to go let him any further, because the future scares me.
 
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#2 ·
You don't sound crazy at all. I totally get how you feel, your trust issues, etc.

Do you see any time in the future when you two will not be long distance?

Nothing against your BF, but this type of relationship would be difficult for a person without trust issues....but for you (i.e. me), really hard! You're not psycho :).
 
#4 ·
Thank you!

He does know how I feel. He knows and understands my trust issues. I don't go too crazy over it. I'll tell him when something really bothers me, but if it's something minor, I don't even bring it up. I have straight up said to him that I am the true definition of damaged goods, I'm not a high maintenance person AT ALL, however right now I feel vulnerable.

Another thing that bothers me, is I like this guy a lot. Like, a lot. I've never felt this way with my ex, but it scares the sh*t out of me. I don't want to move forward with my feelings and then end up getting hurt.

He said he would move down here. He is currently caring for his elderly mother and he is her only family around. I certainly understand this stipulation. I have kids and refuse to move them out of the school district. So, he did say he would be willing to relocate and move down here when the time is right (with his mom & us)
 
#5 ·
Thank you!

He does know how I feel. He knows and understands my trust issues. I don't go too crazy over it. I'll tell him when something really bothers me, but if it's something minor, I don't even bring it up. I have straight up said to him that I am the true definition of damaged goods, I'm not a high maintenance person AT ALL, however right now I feel vulnerable.

Another thing that bothers me, is I like this guy a lot. Like, a lot. I've never felt this way with my ex, but it scares the sh*t out of me. I don't want to move forward with my feelings and then end up getting hurt.

He said he would move down here. He is currently caring for his elderly mother and he is her only family around. I certainly understand this stipulation. I have kids and refuse to move them out of the school district. So, he did say he would be willing to relocate and move down here when the time is right (with his mom & us)
I hear ya :).
 
#6 ·
Instead of comparing this new boyfriend to your ex, focus on what you're thankful for in the relationship you're in.

This boyfriend is not your ex. He's a different person with different habits and morals. The lying for twelve years is something of the past, and try not to let it hinder your future!

You aren't psycho at all, and the mind is very quick to be wary in situations after you've been hurt. It's all natural :)

I'm glad that you've shared your insecurities, and your partner will understand where you're coming from, especially from such a damaging relationship.

Understand that falling for someone comes with a risk. That risk is getting hurt in the end, but you need to justify if it's worth it. It seems like your new guy is great, and happiness can definitely come from it. Opening up will allow for greater trust, which can repair the damage that's been done. The tricky part of this is the fact that you'll need to go out on a limb and take that risk to begin mending that broken heart.

I wish you the best of luck!
 
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