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Bedroom boredom!!or should I just be happy and take a seat?

2K views 11 replies 11 participants last post by  diamonddawg21 
#1 ·
Not really sure how to start this topic, but I have been google searching for days with nothing really helpful coming up, and this is a topic I don't feel comfortable talking to my close friends about due to fear of being judged.

My wife and I have been married for 11 years and have had the normal issues that come up during the early stages but we try our best to talk through issues. My wife is a great mother to our kids and loves me dearly as well as I love her. Over the last 1 1/2 years I noticed our sex life has started to lose some of its flair. We try and carve out time for each other when our kids are not busy and we can find a sitter, so we are aware that we have to work hard to keep the flame going. Of the two of us I am the more adventurous type in the bed room, I like to try new things and missionary every single time is OK but not really my thing if we can do something else. About a year ago, I noticed that she was avoiding wanting to receive Oral, after a few times of her rejecting me or directing me towards other things I asked why and she said she did not really like it. OK, that was news to me, we have been married 11 years but together a total of 15 and this never came up before. Okay, so I left that alone and did not ask to pleasure her in that way again. I also starting noticing she would try and speed up our sessions, if the kids were up maybe so but when they are knocked out asleep and clear across the house..not so much. I personally take pride in making sure my wife is taken care of and asked her a million times over the years before, during and after love making what can I do to make you feel good while we are in the sack. She always says nothing, or sometimes kiss me, so I make sure and do plenty of kissing. What I guess is tough for me is I am adventurous so I like different things, so when she called me up 9 months ago and said she was a hosting sex toy party with some other moms I was very thrilled and excited. She seemed excited to and actually hosted two events, but what baffles me is she brought all these cools things home for her and I, and even took the time to show them to me but tossed them in a bag in a lower dresser drawer. I asked for months to try the new stuff out, one night she gave it a go and we both tried a few things and everything seemed great. But my future attempts at asking to bring the toys out have failed over and over to the point I don't ask anymore. This may be long winded, and I might be taking this the wrong way, but I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I figured out my wife's love language is words of affirmation, I make sure and send her little text messages telling her how much I love her, and how beautiful she is. Every year on our anniversary arrange for my mother in-law to watch the kids, and I plan an entire weekend just for her. It takes me a few months to get everything lined up because I change it up every year. At this very moment we are talking, and trying to sort this out. My concerns are that she does not ask much of me sexually, and I feel like a dork asking her for anything. Am I knit picking to want to have some spice in the bedroom? Or should I be thankful for what I have and sit down and shut up.
 
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#2 ·
Over the last 1 1/2 years I noticed our sex life has started to lose some of its flair. ... About a year ago, I noticed that she was avoiding wanting to receive Oral, after a few times of her rejecting me or directing me towards other things I asked why and she said she did not really like it. ... I also starting noticing she would try and speed up our sessions, if the kids were up maybe so but when they are knocked out asleep and clear across the house..not so much.
Some couples (or one spouse) do lose interest after a time. It may be hormonal or stress-related. Often it is due to lack of loving connection outside the bedroom, or some marital resentments that have gone unresolved. It could be a falling out of love. Sometimes it's because they're saving the fun stuff for an affair partner.
 
#3 · (Edited)
Not an easy one Diamond. You are not alone as we've had similar threads many times over the years. It could be anything but she isn't telling and so you are left to deal with frustration and distance. She's otherwise a good partner and you have a kid(s) together so I don't see how this rises to splitsville. That said, does she know your love language? Does she care? I'm just wondering if you might be trying to hard. It's sad to say but in her case you might be treating her too good.
 
#4 ·
She doesn't love you any more. Prepare yourself. I know you are passing over this thread with "yeah, right pal. You have NO CLUE what is going on with my life". It will all make perfect sense when it all comes crashing horribly into place some day.

Good luck. You are in for a ride.
 
#6 ·
When my 2 stepsons reached their 1 year anniversary I got each of them the following:

* some very nice french chocolates
* the CD "Touch" by John Klemmer
* a few sweetly scented candles
* the book The Joy of Sex

Both thanked me as did one of their wives.

Maybe try something like this.

Another suggestion...

My wife loves massages. So I give her a massage every so often. Works miracles, IF you see what I mean.
 
#8 ·
You have the warning shot but there is little to go on.

Could be pre-WAW
Could be severe stress
Could be she is simply falling out of love for no reason.
Could be affair but I see only a single red flag so not overly likely.

New boss?
New job?
New responsibilities?
Coworker laid off and she gets two jobs now?
Recent big fight you THINK ended but has not?
Are your kids special needs?
New hair/clothes?
Large weight loss?
Guarding phone?
Unexplained time away?
"I love you but Im not in love with you"?
Have you done something she hates lately?
Other changes?
Have you let yourself get fat or sloppy?
Has she let herself get fat or sloppy?
New money issues.

Think back to when you first truly noticed things changing. Anything in the past 6 months from then?
 
#9 ·
This is not a WAW or an affair waiting to happen. It's much more common but just as lethal to a marriage.

To me, it sounds like your wife loves you but is bored with you. This is very common and not something to nuts about. Women get bored with the same old same old from their man. We get bored with ourselves too, which is why we change ourselves often too.


Time to change things up dude. When was the last time you changed your facial hair? If you've been clean shaved, grow something. If you've been hairy, shave something. Get a new hair style, part if differently, cut it differently or grow it out. Get some updated clothing and start hanging out with some men friends.

Take a class and learn a new skill, start a new project at home. Go fishing or hunting. Take a class with her, dance, French cooking, canning home grown veggies...whatever, just something different that your both interested in doing together.

The big trick is for your wife to see you in your element. What is your passion? Is it something you can arrange for you wife to watch you do?

Men forget that women like change for change sake. Men are content with the same jeans and tee shirt combo for years and years. Women...4 wearings and it's time to switch it up!
 
#11 ·
My concerns are that she does not ask much of me sexually, and I feel like a dork asking her for anything.
This caught my eye. Did you used to be more aggressive in bed? When you text her as you say you do, do you throw in an occasional flirt, dirty talking, or sexual suggestion for later? You're telling her how beautiful she is but perhaps you need to tell her how hot she is and you need her NOW. Its nice to hear I love you's and being told I'm beautiful, but nothing gets me more worked up than knowing my man is really hot for me.

You need to be more direct in asking her what she likes/doesn't like and why. Get her to talk. Tell her what you like.

If she's hosting sex toy parties and purchasing many of the toys I'm assuming she is making some small attempt herself at bringing more adventure into the bedroom. This does not sound like a WAW or someone having an affair but rather one who may be bored and wants more or a different style in the bedroom and wants to amp things up. What is your approach when you ask her about using the toys now? Do you ask in advance? If so, wrong approach.
I would think back to what she seemed to like the first time you used them and just bring that particular toy out - don't ask or talk about it. Start using it. Obviously if she adamantly refuses, you stop, but I'm guessing she won't.
 
#12 ·
Thanks for all the input everyone, after talking with her it looks to be more of a communication or lack there of regarding our sex life and needs. She actually wants me to be more vocal, and if I ask for something I should not be afraid to ask again or remind her if nothing happens. I think Anon Pink is on to something because I think I do need to change things up. Not that I am doing anything wrong because she enjoys the planning and new things I carve out for us, but as with most things it looks like I/we need to do more. We have both agreed to allocate time to talk about our sex life, and with us both understanding there is an issue to be worked out I hope we can bring the flame back. I will check back into this thread to update, put I plan on doing my part to make this successful.
 
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