CatieJ

Hello everyone, thanks for taking the time to read my post. Okay, here it goes. I've been married for 13 years to a man I love very much. Unfortunately the price I pay for loving him has becoming incredibly painful. We have 3 children, ages 9, 5 and 3. He is a loving father when he pays attention to them, but much of the time he just overlooks them. His patience is next to nil most of the time as well. Honestly, it's just incredibly sad. Our children love their father very much but have come to expect his replies of "in a minute" which means it will either never happen or he will get that drink or whatever in an hour of so. He does not play with our kids or read to them as I make a conscious effort to do. I listen to their problems, try my best to answer their questions no matter how silly I may think they are (small to me might be big to a kid and I realize this), have patience with fussy, tired kids and more. Each of our children without exception understand that the parent that will get things done is myself.

Please be patient and read on. I should tell you that I am a cancer patient as well and have had the fight of my life on and off for the past three years (since our youngest was born). My doctors warn about stress and exhaustion constantly. I went into remission and my husband had promised me that if I did we would move back to my home country. Well, here we are and have been for a few months and I have had the big C pop up again. It was a bit hairy to get here, but safe and sound and settled we are. The rest of the problem is this. My husband is very irresponsible with finances and unfortunately has a major problem with lying to me. The lies range from tiny white lies to MAJOR whoppers! Things that effect our family immediately. Then I am left to sort through damage control and end up being stressed to the max. He promised he would grow up (and he has done some growing up, but it's taken 10 years to see improvement). Now that we are relocated things have gone down hill fast. We had ample funds when we got here. I have an income as well. He has run through the money yet again, taken a loan out without consulting me, and squandered so much on video games and a new XBox360 that I can't see straight! He did have a job, but I will admit it wasn't in his field and he was miserable. He quit this job without another lined up. He has told me he will get dressed in a suit and head to a local recruitment agency on Monday too. This was 4 weeks ago...all of his suits are still waiting. He says he is sending resume/CV to loads of different listings but has yet to hear anything from any of them. I checked his "sent" file in his email....no dice. He just sits around on his arse playing video games, chain smoking outside or generally lazing about.

The end of my rope has been reached for some time but I stayed because I had to. In America I had no recourse and had to stay due to finances. In the UK I have support and autonomy even though I am sick. The age old question is looming. Do I sell the god-forsaken car he purchased and send him packing back to America, or try even harder for the sake of our children. It will be ripping my heart out to send him off, and I know it will hurt our children as well. Speaking to a therapist was tried and he actually told us we needed a divorce. Besides, my husband has made it perfectly clear he refuses to go back to even a different one. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. He is a genuinely good-hearted person for the most part and I have never lost sight of this. His angry side is fierce and he crosses lines during a heated discussion that just aren't kosher...he has absolutely no idea how to have a fair disagreement or listen to reason. Please someone just take a few moments to think this over and lend me some advice. I think I know the best course of action, but I really need a sounding board too.

ps. Sorry that this post is SOO long. It's my first one ever and once started couldn't make myself stop.

Regards,
CJ

solitudeseeker

This does sound like a difficult situation. He could be depressed, and this is causing him to sit around and act so passive. He may need medical help for this. But he simply must look for employment, and ease the stress on you. He must contribute to the well-being and survival of his family. You will need to have a very frank talk with him about these things.

Of course only you can make the final decision to end the marriage. If it appears that sending him away is the right choice, do you have a lot of support? Family and friends who can help you, agencies you can go to for assistance? These will be so important. I can't imagine how tough it will be to manage three young children and your illness on your own, though to be honest, it sounds like that is already what you are doing.

I wish you all the best.