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Possibility of getting divorce

2K views 16 replies 5 participants last post by  Yeswecan 
#1 · (Edited)
Hello Everyone.
This is a first time in my life where I am bringing my marriage issues to the world to see.
I am not sure how to start, but please be patient with me, after all it is my FIRS time.
Here we go: My wife and I been married for 15 years. We got married in out mid 20’s. I am 2 years senior. We both are highly educated and successful professionals with two children. I have Masters and she has PhD. This info not for bragging but to give you an inside on our background. It took 6 month from the time we met to the time when we got married. At the beginning I was the one who was working while she was in school. I cannot say that right from beginning everything was rosy. We had our share of fights and happiness. That said, in general life was good, we had acceptable amount of a great sex and tolerated each other very well. One thing I noticed and experienced right away was how we communicated. I cannot say it was a lack of communications, on contrary, it was fully opened and abounded. The problem was, when talking to her, it was like a game of Chess, I had to think what I was saying and calculate steeps ahead so it would not be used against me at latter time. One other thing that was bothered me at the beginning and still does is how she treats my family. She is from aristocratic family, and I am just a mutt. When meeting my family, she behaves on her best, but when we are along it is always how my relatives misbehaved or embarrassed by talking too loud or not displaying proper manners and so on… Mind you, most of my relatives are well off people, with most of them very successful professionals who finished Ivy League schools. (I am not one of them, I just finished average collage). What bothers me, is this type of degradation is still going on 15 years later on weekly bases. She knows it is bothers me a lot, and I told her on multiple occasions that when she does it to my relatives I take it personally, as a personal insult. Unlike her, I do not express negative things about her family, and believe me, they are not saint. Even before my first child was born, our sex life went south. I have a very strong sex drive, she seems does not. What I hate most about it, she uses sex as a bargaining chip. I hate when she does it with every fiber in my body. Ooo, I forget to mention to you, I do love her very much, yes, I think I do.
Earlier this year she got promoted at the job with relocation to Europe. We decided to take this opportunity. She already moved to new country, and it been 2 month us leaving separately. I am schedule to move there right after kids finish school year.
Here is a kicker. During these two month of leaving separate, I LOVED every second of it. I do not feel lonely, because I have to take care of my 2 kids, and I feel very happy. I do not miss her for the some reason. I do not miss having been nagged about some insignificant things, playing conversation Chess game, and most surprised, I am not missing having SEX with her. She is good in bed, but been constantly rejected by her made me emotionally sick, and not having her near removed rejection fear, and liberated me. Do not get me wrong I do not blame her for this at all. I am truly think this is how she is. I knew this before we got married, I just underestimate the situation, and perhaps was too madly in love with her to fully understand consequences down the road.
Now, I am contemplating an idea just not to relocate. Kids got used to not having mother around and just talking to her via Skype. Financially I can afford to live on one income without sacrifices. In a pass I was thinking to finish my marriage due to mental strain I experiencing. I was hoping to use home as my fort, where I can get tranquility and mentally relax and recharge. However for a past 15 years it is just another mental job I have to do. I am mentally and emotionally drained.

I know this is a bad idea not to go there as she expects, and been rational, I will relocate there, but I am starting seriously thinking about possibility of divorce. I do think it could be better for all of us, including kids.
P.S. I think I needed to vent my frustrations and perhaps listen to other people opinion on this matter as my mind could be clouded by constant frustrations, and my judgment might not be right in this situation.
Thank you.
 
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#2 ·
First, I think it's pretty low down to not go as she is expecting to see you and the kids. Maybe go over and discuss this all with her in person. And bring the kids.

Second, if you do opt for this, I strongly suggest you have a very clear conversation with her about it and see how she feels.

The other issues are all ancillary and can be worked out.
 
#4 ·
My thoughts? You are broadsiding your W with the talk of D. She is in another country and you are preparing to Skype the details of D? Not very fair IMO. Not to mention it appears you are pitting the kids against their mother. Maybe not conscientiously but in some form as you believe the kids are happy that mom is gone. Again, not fair. What is fair is discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues with the marriage in person. Your W can not fix it when she is on the other side of the globe while you are actively working your new bachelor life. Furthermore, when you marry a person you marry the family as well. At the end of the day the only two that matter are you and your W. It does not matter if she does not care for your family. Or your hers. Family member issues are secondary to your true marital issues.
 
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#5 ·
Hi Yeswecan.
Perhaps I was not clear, I do fully intend to go there, I would not serve her D via Skype. That would be way too unhuman. What I am saying is, I used to be afraid thinking of D, due to fear of separation, but now, it actually liberating.
As far as a family member respect, she is entitled to her opinion, just like I am to mine, but when one was reputedly told to stop bad mouthing them due to negative effect it has on me, you would expect this behaver to stop. However when we have an argument about anything, why would you bring this subject up every time? I would say is to apply additional pain, would you?
,
 
#6 ·
Hi Yeswecan.
Perhaps I was not clear, I do fully intend to go there, I would not serve her D via Skype. That would be way too unhuman. What I am saying is, I used to be afraid thinking of D, due to fear of separation, but now, it actually liberating.
As far as a family member respect, she is entitled to her opinion, just like I am to mine, but when one was reputedly told to stop bad mouthing them due to negative effect it has on me, you would expect this behaver to stop. However when we have an argument about anything, why would you bring this subject up every time? I would say is to apply additional pain, would you?
,
Because you never resolve the issue at hand thus it is brought up again and again. Carpet sweeping the issue will not solve the issues.
 
#7 ·
Yeaswecan
She told me how she would like for me to address this issue. She wants to limit contact with my family to once a year - charismas. And she admitted on few occasions that she does what she does is to inflict maximum pain. I am not kidding she did say so. She does also apologizes after words, most of the time. So what else to resolve?
 
#8 ·
I know of many that do not interact or very limited interaction with family members(there own and signifcant others). There is no written rule to attend every family function. Why do you think she would attempt to inflict maximum pain concerning family? What has drawn her to do such a thing?
 
#10 ·
You only dated for 6 months before you married. This is too early in the game to marry. You did not know each other well enough. You came from different backgrounds. Your wife thinks that she married down and condescending towards your family members.

You really don't like each other as people. She and you are not in the same page in your life. She treats you in a disrespectful way, but you were afraid to be divorced. She withholds sex to punish you and manipulate you. You are resentful of your wife. You have now experienced how it is to be alone and have peace in your life.

You are in a position where you can survive alone financially. If you move to Europe with her, you will be dependent on her and leaves you open for mental abuse. You know in your heart that you do not like your wife as a person. Divorce now and get a good nights sleep and peace of mind.

This is not easy for me to tell you as I am married at 35 years and married at the same ages as you and your wife. However, I have peace in my marriage and this is my refuge. I would not want your scenario & marital environment. I wish you courage to face your reality...
 
#12 ·
Roselyn/Tron
Thank you for your replys. Yes, been left along for such long time does indeed feels like a breath of a fresh air – totally intoxicated and love it. Said that, Go thru this process now is not feasible or advisable due to me leaving to Europe in less than 1 month. What feasible is: I am actually more in demand there then here as far as job concern. So I do hope not to be a husband in tow for too long. Also, the place we are going will be much better for kids than good old US of A. So the plan is to get settled there, hopefully in less than 8 month and then proceed with separation. After that, time will tell
 
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