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Wife cheated and lied for years.......

15K views 50 replies 24 participants last post by  tyroneb 
#1 ·
My wife cheated on me with a friend and lied about it for years. Neither one had the guts to tell the truth nor consider me about it and it has just torn me up. I love her dearly and am still trying to make it work but I'm just about out of any feelings for her now. I don't want to lose her and I need a way to figure out how to cope with this for another 10 years.
 
#3 ·
Why the timeline... I'm guessing you have young children? Are you looking to stick things out until they're out of the house?

Are you currently satisfied that you have sufficient details regarding the affair?

How did you find out? Has she since confessed to what you know? Has she made any efforts at filling in the blanks by answering any questions that you may have?

Sorry you're here. :(
 
#6 ·
Recovering from infidelity is very difficult at the best of times. It is possible and a few marriages have grown stronger afterward.

The truth is most people don't have the stomach for it. It takes a tremendous amount of work and commitment by both people to heal the wounds. Often there is only one in the relationship that has the capability, willingness and patience to do the work required. But the basic math required is 1+1=2 and it takes two fully committed people to make it work.

There is always a reason for infidelity. It is usually not a very good one but there is a reason and that reason may simply be a deep seeded character flaw. For example, You can't fix stupid. But seriously, your future with your current or STBXW is based on a lot of factors. Sometimes its better to divorce and then if true love exists and both parties get help, grow up they may find their way back to each other.

In other cases through intense therapy, sincere remorse and herculean efforts. Then the ability to forgive, gain a greater understanding with concrete actions can rebuild the trust and love needed to make it work. But there are no guarantees.

If you are up for the challenge and your wife is absolutely committed to making it work then there are steps to make it happen. Others can list them out and if you search around here on the coping with infidelity threads you can find them.

Good Luck
 
#10 ·
Recovering from infidelity is very difficult at the best of times. It is possible and a few marriages have grown stronger afterward.

The truth is most people don't have the stomach for it. It takes a tremendous amount of work and commitment by both people to heal the wounds. Often there is only one in the relationship that has the capability, willingness and patience to do the work required. But the basic math required is 1+1=2 and it takes two fully committed people to make it work.
We have friends that fought through it.. and are very thankful they did.... they have 4 children ...so much would have been lost had they ended it.. their children are thriving today... it was just a 1 or 2 time thing ...the magnitude of 10 ongoing years...the hiding, outright lying, how does one look themselves in the mirror is the question.... I can't imagine HOW emotionally crushing ...then the SHEER ANGER of wanting to take them both limb by limb ....

There was a story here...I came across yrs ago ... never forgot it .. he forgave his wife ...after 12 yrs with a neighbor man.. he details his struggle in this...his emotions post #8... her remorse.. if there is no remorse, if it is not profound, deeply felt , then the marriage should end. This man's wife was shaking.. he also admitted he was not there for her.. a workaholic.. this is no excuse.. just trying to give some insight to this other man's story ...worth a read.. He took a tremendous amount of Flack for NOT throwing her to the curb.. as most would imagine.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/8698-how-we-overcame-adultery.html
 
#7 ·
My wife cheated on me with a friend and lied about it for years. Neither one had the guts to tell the truth nor consider me about it and it has just torn me up. I love her dearly and am still trying to make it work but I'm just about out of any feelings for her now. I don't want to lose her and I need a way to figure out how to cope with this for another 10 years.
Why ?
 
#9 ·
Have you considered marriage counseling? Does your wife want to work on the marriage? How long ago was it that you discovered the affair?

I would suggest either marriage counseling for the both of you or individual counseling so you can sort out your feelings. It sounds like everything is still fresh....get some counseling to help you out. Sorry that these circumstances brought you here. :-(
 
#11 ·
The first time I found out about my wife seeing another man was at the ten year point of our marriage, of coarse she denied it was anything more than friendship.

The next ten years was hell, I could never regain the trust I once had, I questioned everything, our marriage was under a dark of cloud of suspicion. She had several affairs, the last ending with her finding the "love of her life" who she left me and the kids for.

I would NEVER repeat the last ten years of my marriage, absolute waste of my life. Use my hind sight as your fore sight.
 
#14 ·
I am sorry, this is going to sound harsh, but people that stay with spouses who cheated on them, like bestblu1 from that thread, are cowards.

They return with all of the same platitudes, "They still love me," and "They are truly sorry."

Basically, they are attempting to rationalize why it does not matter and why they (the spurned spouse) should take some responsibility for the other person's actions, etc etc.

Personally, I think it is a defense mechanism for a person who wants to pretend it never happened.

Deep down it is not something you will ever get over. It is a constant reality.

It happened.

And it will never go away.

A person who actually loves someone else will never betray them.

Period.

I see it as a simple binary:

1) Did they cheat? Yes or No?

If Yes - Goodbye.

End of discussion.

I will never understand people who stay with or return to adulterous partners.
 
#15 ·
I am sorry, this is going to sound harsh, but people that stay with spouses who cheated on them, like bestblu1 from that thread, are cowards.

They return with all of the same platitudes, "They still love me," and "They are truly sorry."

Basically, they are attempting to rationalize why it does not matter and why they (the spurned spouse) should take some responsibility for the other person's actions, etc etc.

Personally, I think it is a defense mechanism for a person who wants to pretend it never happened.
Here are my feelings on this.. now let me also make it clear I have never cheated, nor my husband.. we have only been with each other in this lifetime... it's something that is very dear to us...

With the story of BestBlu's ....had they had better communication going forth.. opening up and caring for each other.. putting each others needs 1st and foremost...what happened wouldn't have happened...

When she felt drowning emotionally.. because he was off being a Workaholic. had she talked to him.. even fought with him!!!.. telling him what she NEEDED or outright saying...."if we don't work towards this... I may fall into the arms of another" (as a warning to how serious it felt for her) that honesty.. (yeah RARE I KNOW !)... it would have alerted him to the severity of the situation... and averted it .. unless he still blew her off .....

We can't blow each other off.. we need to care about each others needs.. and true, integrity on her behalf would have divorced 1st..and I wouldn't have blamed her!

When I am not happy.. I'm very vocal about it.. I will try to move heaven & earth to come up with a workable solution that is good for us both... if was met with too much resistance, however, his spitting on how I felt... I would grow very resentful.. at some point you realize it's in one ear & out the other (I suppose, never had to deal with this)... and leaving the marriage would be for the best..... People should LEAVE before they fall into the arms of another..

My beef is.. too many shove the conflict they should be having -under the rug... then they find themselves WEAK.. and justify what they do.. living secrets.. It's a very ugly thing..

Just shouldn't have happened at all..
 
#16 ·
Agreed about the necessity of communication.

I had to learn in the last two years that I needed to vocalize when I was not happy; failing to do so only gives rise to resentment and creates long-term problems and no solutions.

When I read the BestBlu1 thread I came away thinking one thing:

That guy is in an unhealthy dependent relationship and has serious emotional issues.

The speed with which he turned in on himself, took responsibility for her actions, felt the need to forgive her immediately, and re-launch into the relationship all demonstrate an amazing amount of emotional dependency and a lack of self-respect.

Yes, when you are dealing with the breakdown of a relationship you need to be self-aware enough to realize you were not perfect and that you had a hand in weakening the bonds.

However, adultery is a choice.

It is a decision to literally violate the most basic trust within a relationship and it is done so with the full knowledge of the severity of the betrayal and for the express purpose of hurting the other person while you get emotional and/or sexual satisfaction elsewhere.

There may be true remorse after the fact, when the cheater realizes the consequences of the hurt they have inflicted are greater than what they can deal with.

But at the end of the day cheating is a choice to inflict maximum harm on your significant other.

The mere fact that the decision was made to inflict that harm proves that the adulterer does not actually love their SO.

Some people need to pretend that is not what it means to save their ego and to avoid dealing with the consequences.

But I think it is telling that even people who claim to have "worked through" infidelity often talk about how the emotions come back time and time again and that the only way to deal with them is to deny them.

In my world adultery is an immediate and irrevocable deal breaker.
 
#17 ·
In my world adultery is an immediate and irrevocable deal breaker.
I have lots of deal breakers ! if the man thinks throwing money at me is enough for happiness.. well it wouldn't be! If a man thinks he doesn't need to listen to his wife or show affection... I'd have to leave over that too.. sex is important too ! I actually feel a sexless marriage is on par with cheating.. I realize others will NOT agree... and that's fine.. my husband also feels that's reprehensible....he understands why I feel as I do... it's a slaughtering of the vows to love & cherish to me.. we are on the same page in that...

I am just not up for calling someone else foolish (you didn't say this but many do) or suggesting he is unhealthy somehow because he chose to forgive ..and work it out .... I do not see it as you do... and really.. we have no idea the gratitude his wife may have for him.. feeling she is unworthy of his staying with her.. It's their life.. Forgiveness like that is very moving. and rare to find..

I will leave room for healing and others choices in how they deal with infidelity.. but I respect your position...

The friends we have... opened up to us in our living room about that time in their lives... it was a very emotional conversation ..both of them sharing... I surely don't think it would be my place to tell my GF she's unhealthy & foolish to have stayed with her husband . her church wanted her to divorce him back then.. she called me.. we talked.. and talked.. it wasn't the answer for her.. or her family..

Heck he was pouring out his remorse in front of us that day ! I was touched by it really.. he went into detail how before that he could look at himself in the mirror, after that it is not the same, he will never see himself the same again -due to what he did to his wife.. I was fighting back tears...there is shame there..

But he is forgiven.. he is grateful.. People are not perfect Icey..
 
#19 ·
What Icey is saying is that screwing your SO by screwing others is not love. I wholeheartedly agree. Love is not a feeling, it is action.

I also agree that many who choose reconciliation do not fully face or address the ugliness involved.

12 years of fvcking another man was not love.

I do like many aspects of how he worked his R.

There are some good things to learn from his thread and some that really don't add up that much but God does do some miraculous things and he gave Him credit in his story.
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#25 ·
She hurt him too ICEY.. does that matter. she refused sex to her own husband over stupid household chores.. I try to be an understanding person to others choices ....what's your point..I should have told my friend -dump his sorry a$$...you deserve better... so their children could suffer..and frankly themselves... living the rest of their loves in regret ...

ya know what...she loved him.. he still loved her.. you don't know all the circumstances as I do.. he was on some meds during that time too, that could have played a part... frankly it boggles my mind how people can Fvck eveything that moves and treat sex like it's pouring water when single.... then get married and Heavens. sex is then the utopia of Betrayal even though before ...."Sex is just sex".. there is a disconnect I can't make sense of here......

Sex is either something very special or it's NOT.. (frankly I am in the very special crowd.. I just have pretty much ZERO compassion for those who withhold it - because I think so highly of it IN MARRIAGE)...
 
#31 ·
She hurt him too ICEY.. does that matter. she refused sex to her own husband over stupid household chores.. I try to be an understanding person to others choices ....what's your point..I should have told my friend -dump his sorry a$$...you deserve better... so their children could suffer..and frankly themselves... living the rest of their loves in regret ...
1) Relationships are not zero sum games with reciprocal inflictions of pain and hurt. It sounds like she played her part in loosening the bonds of the relationship, but that does not legitimize rending those bonds into shreds by cheating.

2) Yes, she should have dumped him. She does deserve better. And it sounds like so does he.

3) Children suffer? Your friends just taught their kids that they should forgive heinous betrayals, just like mommy did. And that even if you cheat, like daddy did, you can still come back from it.

4) They already live their lives in regret from what you said.

Or do you think a day goes by where those two do not remember what he did and the hurt it caused?

ya know what...she loved him.. he still loved her.. you don't know all the circumstances as I do.. he was on some meds during that time too, that could have played a part... frankly it boggles my mind how people can Fvck eveything that moves and treat sex like it's pouring water when single.... then get married and Heavens. sex is then the utopia of Betrayal even though before ...."Sex is just sex".. there is a disconnect I can't make sense of here......
He did not still love her.

If he did he would not have cheated on her.

I get that people need to make rationalizations to deal with their life choices, but come on.

Any person who claims to love an individual whom they cheated on is simply going full speed into defense mode and begging that other person not to exact the consequences they full well know should be coming.

Sex is either something very special or it's NOT.. (frankly I am in the very special crowd.. I just have pretty much ZERO compassion for those who withhold it - because I think so highly of it IN MARRIAGE)...
I am in the same camp. If my wife decided to withhold sex due to an argument or as some form of punishment, I would end my marriage on the spot.
 
#35 ·
I don't think most cheaters are trying to inflict harm. I think they are trying to get their needs met, but in an illicit way.
 
#37 ·
If they were not intending to inflict harm, why did they pursue a path of self-validation that by definition violates the most basic trust of a relationship and produces the singular consequence of inflicting the maximum emotional harm possible between two people?

If someone has needs that are not being met they can pursue those needs without inflicting harm, but if they did that, they would not be cheaters.

What I have noticed is that some people feel the need to pretend that cheaters are something other than self-involved, selifish, malicious, people.

The fiction that a cheater can "really be a good person who loves you," that just made a mistake is farcical trash that serves only to assuage the lack of self-worth felt by the cowards who stay with them.
 
#42 ·
a 12 year affair is unforgivable. in fact its 11 years past the forgivness point IMO


addressing the OP - your wife humiliated you and it sounds like she continues to do so. should we teach our children to accept humiliation? But I know subjecting children to divorce makes this a hard choice........
 
#43 ·
This was what you wrote in that zombie thread: "My wife cheated on me with friend on more than one time in our home. That was 35years ago and I still wonder if I did the right thing staying with her. She lied about it for 4 years before she confessed to it. He has hidden from me. I think forgave her but can't forget. Be prepared to eat some pride sometimes and you'll never forget the feeling when you found out. I was madly in love now I'm not so sure after 40 years of dealing with this. My blessing was the two kids after so I'm glad I didn't leave then but now is another time. My biggest regret is that I tried to 'even' the score and I had a few flings and all of them made me sick.
Moral here is chose wisely and know your depth of love for her because you will never forget and you have to deal with so many reminders."

So she cheated, then you cheated, and 30+ years later you don't think you're in love with her anymore, but for some reason you want to stick it out for 10 more years. Why?

What have you been doing all this time? Have you made any real effort to improve your marriage? If not, why did you stay?
 
#44 ·
I have kind of lost track of who and what we are talking about on this thread - is the OP still around ?
 
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