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I've Lost Solid Ground

1K views 9 replies 6 participants last post by  Aloneinspace 
#1 ·
Hi everyone,

I've just found this forum and desperately need some advice. I apologize if it is a little long.

I have been with my husband 30 years and married to him 11 years. I have just become aware that he has been controlling me all this time. He works on a need to know basis (ie, what he wants me to know). He handles the finances and gives me minimal information. We are both retired now although we have a shop in the UK which he runs; depression and ill-health caused me to stop working 20 years ago.

A conversation the other caused me to realise exactly what the problems are here. He handles the finances and gives me no information. I have tried to talk about things that need doing and I waste my breath.

He has a very limited range of things he will do. We bought a 5 bed house in France 7 years ago. It is beautiful. We have a pool. He does very little around the place and the whole thing falls on my shoulders. We moved from a 3 bedroom cottage where the whole place fell on my shoulders and I was petrified of it happening here. And he promised me it wouldn't. Piecrust promises anyone?

I am kept short of information on finances and have no authority to do anything.

I feel that everything is down to me but I can do nothing and in the meantime everything is going to rack and ruin around my ears. We go round and do a checklist of things that need doing and nothing ever gets done, basically it is a black hole where because it has been written on a list it doesn't need to be acted on.

Housework - down to me.
Minor repairs - down to me.
Gardening - down to me.
Major repairs - ignored.

He doesn't show any interest either in what I might do. We share no interests, I try to find things that we could do together and can't come up with anything. He likes skiing, playing poker, playing cricket. Not for me! I like creative stuff, sewing, papier maché and pottering in the garden. But I do ask him how things go and he never asks me how my things go.

I never found my voice - as a child I was chronically shy, never asked what I wanted, never learnt to express myself. Had a bad first marriage
which I was glad to see the back of.

Then I found a man who gave me exactly what I wanted, I thought. Supportive, loving - loved me for myself, how wonderful. My rock. He is a lovely guy, people warm to him - and he is no different at home. I know those other types. He's never been a bully, a control freak - I know them too. He is alway perfectly reasonable. But he gives me limited choices. He pressures me to do what he wants. He doesn't give me enough information to make my own choices.

I know now that the reason I drink too much and smoke too much is because these are the few things I have control of. So I drink too much and try to express myself and it is always wrong. I upset him. So I live in a state of guilt and shame.

So now the rug has been whisked away and where I was standing on rock I am roadrunner running off the edge of the cliff. There is nothing. We have had long talks and he admitted everything, I truly do not believe he knows what he does. But his words worry me. That when I had bad depression he had to control me. Not take responsibility for me or make decisions on my behalf, he had to control me.

I have spent more time than I can mention working on myself, trying to sort out the source of my unhappiness. All kinds of self-help programmes, cognitive behavioural therapy, meditation, mindfulness and more. All this time, all this money, what a waste. Under my nose all this time and such a waste of my time and energy.

Now I'm roadrunner frantically pedalling in space. He's promised me he can change. I would like to believe him but I don't know if I can.
 
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#2 ·
Can you give me a run down as to how the last discussion on this topic went? It will be telling of your dynamic of a couple, which is very important.

I would suggest you find something, anything, to enjoy in common. It could be something neither of you tried before, but the effort must be made. You need to appreciate each other's company as equals, as opposed to this controlling dynamic that appears to be happening.

How often do you simply talk? Not about finances, work, or the like. But just talk about the past, enjoyable experiences, things neither of you may have known before. This may jump start a deeper bond that could instill a give-and-take in the relationship, instead of the constant give, give, give you feel you need to do.

My suggesting is to focus on becoming friends again. See where it leads, and take the next step from there. Best of luck!
 
#3 ·
You know that he is going to continue to ignore you until he sees real consequences. You are entitled to one half of everything he has. If you act though (as in filing for divorce) but do not follow through, he could begin to start hiding assets and will squirrel away funds as many husbands that I have seen in the UK do.

So if you decide you have had enough go for it, and live a better life with more say in your well being going forward.
 
#4 ·
mjalex, in all the discussions we've have over this he has listened to me and admitted that I am absolutely correct. It has been a shock for him too. There was a perfect example though of how ingrained it is. The day after our first talk I was telling him that I was buying myself an iPad, I do have my own bank account as that is something I insisted on many years ago. He started railroading me about this and organising how I should do it - order through the business so that he could get VAT back, and so on. He was then out for the evening - and later realised what he had done and felt dreadful. He knows that if he doesn't change I won't stay with him, I can't, and I fully believe that he will do his best. My fear of course is that it is just too ingrained.

He's over in England for the whole of this month which is feel is perfect timing and gives me a chance to try and get my thoughts in order - and him too. I love him very much and he is my best friend. We try to make sure we spend time together regularly - a meal out, a picnic, going to the occasional market, so we do talk. If we do split up I would still want to remain friends.

I'm just trying to get me thoughts into some kind of order, it's all going round in my head and things keep popping up and I have so much anger I'm not fit to be around anyone, it's just as well he's away.

Do people change? Can they? And what is causing him to feel he has to control things in this way?
 
#5 ·
Keep sharing your heart with him. Just keep putting your feelings in front of him.

Have you tried writing to him in addition to speaking?
 
#6 ·
OK reading through your thread again, I would say that the situation does not seem all that bad and could well be fixable.

However, I have a strange feeling that you, on the other hand, are beginning to get itchy feet. You would like to split with him (for whatever reasons) but still have him as a friend.

Is there even a little truth to this ?
 
#9 ·
OP,

IMHO you need to take this slowly. You have been married a long time. Yes you could pull the plug and some would cheer you on saying you need your freedom and how dare he control you, etc, etc. Maybe he is too old to change . That is a real possibility.

Now I'll switch around and come from the other side of things. You relate how you had to stop working due to depression and illness. Are you well now? How long were you suffering from that?

Has your husband been working, supporting, caring for you all this time while having to make all the critical decisions for you both. When did you start asking about the business and finances? How many years did he do it all? IT is a heavy burden to carry all load and care for a spouse with illness. Maybe hes so worn down thta he has very little left.

Before you became to ill to work and participate, what did you do? If he works all day and has supported you both why does keeping the home up seem to much for you? Is it still apart of your illness? Why can't you call in repair person to get the repairs done? If your husband manages the finances and agrees to the repairs then simply have the bill sent to him to pay. If the fiances are in bad shape then fix them. Maybe he's done the best he could. Maybe its time for you to step up and help him out. If its really that bad sell the house. His pride may make it hard for him to let you. After all hes had to do it all this time and now to face that he's failed may be too much.

You also said that you became ill and didn't contribute from the income side of things but you have done well enough to move up to a 5 bedroom house in France. But you feel put upon to have to take care of the house. He is still working right? Is the issue you just want him to pick up after himself? Is it a division of labor agreement? Do you want more emotional intimacy? I'm not picking on you here just bringing another perspective and I only have a part of the story. I'm sure your very unhappy. But you need to address the real issues in the marriage. Have you talked about marriage counseling?

Divorce and splitting up the assets is certainly an option. So what will you live on? Will he have to continue to keep you in the style of which you have become accustomed? Do you get half of all the assets and then he pays you to live on top? Or are you well enough to go out and support yourself after all these years? Then will you do all the house work and pay the bills, get the repairs done, etc? Seems like you will be in the same place but without your best friend. Oh and he won't be your best friend afterward believe me. Maybe that is what your after in the long run anyway. Sick and tired of being sick and tired, ready to start fresh. If so just be honest about it. I'm not saying that is bad just trying to break all this down and add a dose of reality.

I hope you take the time to really think all this through. Look at all the options. Talk to your husband. What does he want? What type of marriage does he want? Do you meet his idea of a wife that he wants to be married too for the rest of his days? Maybe he wants out too? I suggest you both get help before you give up.
 
#10 ·
Thanks to all, sorry not to reply sooner but my router blew during a storm on Sunday and I've only just got it replaced.

Vorlon, it has been a bit of a long story with my health and while I am not depressed now, I have had thyroid problems for a few years which cause a great deal of fatigue and lethargy. It really can feel too much to have to try to organise things and when I am kept in the dark about finances I cannot simply get someone in. Also we are currently selling our house in England and some things are reliant on that - so I cannot go ahead on my own. But some things could have been dealt with and I have been unaware of that.

He has been very supportive in many many ways and this is why I have found my thoughts going round in circles.

We have a shop in England which he ran until shortly before we moved to France which has been run very well (mostly!) by a manager, and he goes over 3 or 4 times a year. He is there for the whole of this month as there have been things which have needed ironing out, and it is a good opportunity for us both to have some thinking time. So basically his time is his own which he spends doing a little writing (poems mainly and short stories), shares the cooking, does the odd few chores - and watches a lot of TV or plays computer games. This is why I feel he could take on more responsibility. By the way, the idea of selling the house did come up and we are looking at that.

Of course if we split up I would have to deal with everything myself - but I would want a much smaller place that I would be able to cope with. I get my state pension now and half the business is mine so there would be income there - and I am not high maintenance by any means, quite cheap to run in fact. I really haven't gone too far down that route because I feel in a way that that is detail and we need to sort out the principle of the thing first.

Marriage counselling might well be an idea and we'll have to think about that, and you have all raised points that need addressing. He will talk to me and listen so I'm hopeful we can sort things out.
 
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