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A plan for the husband who works too much?

976 views 6 replies 4 participants last post by  Bobby5000 
#1 ·
Hello everyone - I have finally signed up so I can post! I've always been quite shy on the internet and have no idea why...

But anyway, I am finding myself in a spot in my marriage where I truly need some experienced insight from others.

My husband works a lot - 8am to 9pm six days a week. Often it's later than 10pm, he's a car salesman so sometimes has a sale that late.... I have talked with him in the past about the importance of at least having ONE evening a week when he finishes at 5 or 6pm so we can sit down and have dinner together.

(Yes, we do have Sundays, where he sleeps to 12pm then naps most of the afternoon and is incredibly grumpy all day. I feel like a pain in the a*s just asking him if he wants to go out).

Anyway, the times I've brought it up before, he did change. For one week. Then, back to normal. And it's always 'I don't have a choice' - which he does - no one else at his dealership works that amount of hours.

It's not the days that worry me - I own my own business and work all day too, so am quite happy to have him work 6 days a week. But 6 nights? It is too much and I really feel lonely and low on the priority list.

Yes - I earn my own money through my business. We don't struggle to pay bills, and he is a good salesman so earns a lot more than we need.

A little background - we moved to a new city one year ago where we know no one for his job. Just a few months before that I had moved from my home country to be with him, so knew no one in the entire country apart from him! I've since realized this is a lot harder to do than I ever thought it would be.... duh!

I am making friends here and see them at least once a week. Obviously they aren't old, dear friends yet but I realize it takes time and effort. I work out, look after our little pug, and work hard on my business. I take care of all the cleaning etc.

He texts all through the day about how his day is going, which I like. But all he seems to be able to talk about is his work or money. And his ENTIRE mood is dependent on how his day or week went. It is like a rollercoaster.

I am really feeling lonely in my marriage. I am feeling frustrated. I keep feeling like it will get better but I'm starting to realize that it just may not.

How can I get my husband to understand the importance of just ONE night together a week? That it's not true that 'all he has to do is work' (his words). That actually it's important to work on the other areas of your life?

My idea is to speak to him one more time about it - let him know my feelings and ask for the one night. Then leave it at that. Hopefully it sticks. And either way, continue to build my own life here, which I know from previous experience is something that soooo important.

But what to do if he just goes back to the old patterns again? I am confused. He makes me feel guilty any time I bring it up. He acts like I don't understand how stressful his job is, and if I ever say I'm stressed over something myself he asks in a condescending way 'what do you have to be stressed about?'

This is a rather long post, I apologize, but just writing it out in a forum IS therapeutic!
 
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#2 ·
Could it be that your husband is a workaholic? Money may give him the security or validation that he needs, which is unfortunate!

How would you describe your relationship with him, when you two are together? Are you open with each other, laugh with each other, talk about many different topics, and enjoy each other's company?

I would start small. If he is addicted to his work in a way, it doesn't surprise me that he doesn't want to give up a night of his work. Instead, offer to have an open face to face conversation for ten minutes, three nights a week. That it, specific time set aside to be a couple. Hopefully, the desire to connect and grow together will encourage him to spend a few nights away from his work.
 
#3 ·
Yes I absolutely believe money/work gives him that sense of validation, he's had to work from a very young age and has always worked very hard.

He was a chef right up until last year, when he decided it was time to change his life. As a chef, he worked incredible longer hours too, and always partly as choice (but he said he 'had to').

As for our relationship - part of the reason he left that profession and we moved to another city was because he cheated on me... And when he finally came round (I was adamant about leaving him), he did the drastic move.

I decided it was worth the chance - our marriage had barely begun and we'd been apart 10months waiting on paperwork for me to come over here. And once I did, it was barely a relationship anymore. (Ok, so this is a big part of the background but I didn't want to write 10pages1 :)

We both woke up. It was good for the first few months, GREAT in fact.

When we are together now - it is good, but not in a very open way. While I have forgiven him I definitely find it hard to be entirely open still.

We laugh, very goofy. We have fun and do go out for a good time. I wouldn't say we talk about a lot of different topics - he is quite limited to work, money or 'future success', and kinda ignores or doesn't reciprocate other conversations i might try to start!

Going back to being open... he was very good several months ago, just after the whole cheating upheavel about listening to my feelings and doing what he could. However, now if I ever mention it, for example after he lies about something incredibly insignificant but I tell him why I need full honesty, he accuses me of holding a grudge and this will never work if I don't get over it or stop judging him over it. After all, he 'completely changed his life for me' by leaving his career and coming to a new city and a new job (not entirely try, he got fired soon after I found out he was cheating).

*Sigh. @mjalex thank you for your questions, thinking of the answers has brought up more to light. Not I'm completely not sure what to do!
 
#5 ·
@vadabunny

Okay, here's probably something else you didn't want to hear. You need to let go of the affair. If you want to give him a second chance, you need to forgive, never forget, but not hold it against him.
There's two decent reasons for that. 1: If you don't let go, you'll constantly worry as to what he's doing/thinking at many hours of the day which will cause resentment. 2: He'll be able to tell that you're still reserved and unwilling to be open due to this occurrence, and he will grow hurt, and establish some form of resentment against you.
This is a cycle that will continue until neither of you are happy.

If I had any advice to give on the next move, I'd suggest to sit down and have a very serious conversation that you deserve full honesty, as trust is a must in any relationship, and give him forgiveness. Open up your heart again, as cliche as that may sound, and he may open up to a deeper level in kind.

My guess is if he gets that vibe where you still aren't 100% on board of giving him a chance, he'll dive further into his work, as it's something that has it's own rewards, and can't hurt him on such a deep level.
 
#6 ·
You are right - as much as I didn't want to hear it I expected to because underneath all my surface confusion and hurt, I know that's exactly what I need to do.

I promised myself when agreeing to give the marriage another chance that I would give it 100%, so if the worst happened and it didn't work out I would know I tried my absolute best. It's tough, especially when I get tired and lonely and generally worn out, I guess that's part of the path.

You spelled out the cycle really well mjalex, thank you :) That's exactly what I came here for, the objective kick in the pants!

As for his work.... that may be a separate beast but I believe getting on with my stuff and trying my hardest to support him is the best way. As times in the past that I've talked to him about it only seemed to make him want to do more, some sort of martyr. It's hard to get through to someone who thinks they don't have a choice...

Thank you both for your replies! I appreciate it.0:)
 
#7 ·
Car salesman is a lousy job, for part of the reasons you mention, ridiculous hours, sometimes uncompensated. It's a sad business, there is generally little loyalty with people checking prices and the way to make money is to find a sucker who will buy an overpriced used car or a young kid or other dupe who pays list for a new car. In between you are dealing with pain in the A retired people who ask 143 questions making coming in and bothering you their weekly project (with 5 dealerships) and if a sale is possible, they will have comprehensive information about what invoice is so you make maybe $140 for the 40 hours you spent dealing with them.

What to do? A woodsman was spending 12 hours a day cutting trees but the job took longer and longer because his blade was dull. Ask why he didn't shop for a new saw, he angrily explained he was too busy. In the 7 Habits of Effective People, the author says 30% of your time should be spent on long-range planning. For your husband, that must mean evaluating how to get a better paying job which requires less of a time commitment.

How to do this. First, improve your relationship because periodic sniping will probably not solve the problem. Improve your sex life because he needs it. Think of a strategy for your discussion, WHAT WILL BEST ACCOMPLISH YOUR OBJECTIVES NOT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD. Probably this means sandwiching your comments with flattery and compliments, no more, I said more, lay it on about how happy you are with what he accomplished, (again hopefully he had some great lovemaking the night before).

Now in a non-confrontational way, you need to discuss how he could get another job which would enable him to spend more time at home and probably make more money. If he was a great salesman of which there were few, then the solution would be reducing hours but that rarely happens because sales managers and owners love to have a bunch of salesmen in the office because they aren't paid hourly and don't get overtime, and the owner says, if it don't cost me more, tell all of them to come in at 9 and leave at 9. The sales manager is nasty and self-centered, and the owner hundred times worse constantly figuring out ways to cheat his customers and salesmen alike.
 
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