So, I feel like I am barely hanging on. I have pretty much hated my life for years and years. My husband knows that, but probably figures that since I have stopped saying it out loud that things will be fine. Or something.
I don't know how to change my life. I don't know if I can change my life and stay married to my husband. I just don't know what to do. We aren't even friends, really. I don't even know how to talk to him anymore. I literally can't even bring myself to open my mouth and speak sometimes.
So now I find myself keeping secrets. Keeping myself from bearing my soul to him. He doesn't know me anymore. We both know that. When I do say stuff I find myself disappointed in the outcome.
I tried alcohol for the first time in my life on Friday night at a friend's house. I haven't told my H. He will be disappointed. I should be able to share that kind of experience with the person I'm married to, but I feel like I can't. (Background-alcohol is against our religion that I no longer believe in)
He is going back to school and I don't think our marriage will survive it. I'm 34 and husband is 40, married 16 years. I'm resentful. I was supposed to get to finish my education at some point, but instead he is going back for round 2 before I ever get my turn. I just gave him all our money so he could pay for the initial classes.
There are dozens more things I could talk about. It feels like the cards are stacked against us. We've grown apart. I want to do and experience things that he just has no interest in or actually would be against. The truth is, he doesn't approve of who I have become. He tries to be a good sport about it, but...
Soon he will be working and in school all the time and I will wonder what the **** the point of marriage is. If I am going to be the primary care provider for the kids I can do that without the marriage contract. My life would not change at all, but his would. I don't know how he could afford to live on his own. We live with my parents right now and are in the midst of bankruptcy. Did I mention I hate my life?
I can't see how we could stay together after the kids are gone. That won't be for 15 years, though. I don't think I can take this kind of relationship for 15 more years. We have both mentioned staying together "for the kids" but I don't know how well that works out. I don't really like the idea of another woman (or man, in my case) helping to raise my kids. Or all the issues that step families create.
I am so angry inside. This isn't how my life was supposed to turn out. I want to change my life, but I feel so impotent all the time. This sucks! I hate this and don't want it. I don't want to divorce. I don't know if I can stay married. And this all sounds far too much like my first post here several months ago. Dang it.
I don't even know what I am looking for here. I just needed to get this out. Maybe someone has some wonderful, helpful words of wisdom or can tell me it gets better. I dunno.