Married 7 years Wife Says not in love anymore :( - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-20-2011, 07:27 PM Thread Starter
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Married 7 years Wife Says not in love anymore :(

My wife and I have been married for 7 years and together for 8 1/2 years. On May 31, she told me that she was not in not in love with me anymore and wants me to leave. We have had our ups and downs, but I always thought we were there for each other. We had a lot of happy times.

I used to make a lot of money, however, for the last year I have been under a lot of financial stress to keep my business afloat. That being said, for a recession, I think I am doing better than most.

Just as things are getting better with my work, she tells me that she is done. She told me that I have been ignoring her for over a year and that she was very lonely and depressed. She said she loves me, but is not in love with me anymore. I admit that after working 13-hour days I was not in the mood to talk, and that was wrong.

When she told me this, I could tell that she was dead serious and I WAS DEVESTATED. She told me about this when I was stressed out about work. I told her I was sorry, and that I would change. She became very upset and practically threw me out of the house.
I spent two VERY SAD nights away from home. I was a CRYING mess and I begged her to allow me to come back. I think she felt sorry for me. I read on this forum about manning up and I think I need to do that. I asked her if we could go to Marriage Counseling and she said no. She said I needed counseling to become a better and happier person, before we could work on the marriage. I have gone to two sessions by myself. I am willing to put the work in to be happier.

We talk often and can communicate well since she made this announcement. We have even gone some places together. However, for three weeks, she wont hold my hand, or let me sleep in the bedroom. She only gets upset if I try to hug or kiss her or I try to talk about our marriage.

Although I have been home for three weeks now, things are not back to normal, but I need some advice and feedback. I have asked her several times if things are going to work out with us and she keeps saying I dont know. I think there is hope for our marriage but I need some advice on how to move forward on this. FYI - I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS SAD IN MY LIFE.

Thank you.

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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-21-2011, 12:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married 7 years Wife Says not in love anymore :(

I really need to get some help. I was on the phone with an old client today and they asked me how I was doing and I broke down. I am not in a very good place right now.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-21-2011, 01:07 AM
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Re: Married 7 years Wife Says not in love anymore :(

Time!...that is what it is going to take to get through this unfortunately and there are no shortcuts...when she told you she wasn't in love anymore, believe me she had checked out way before getting the nerve up to tell you to your face..yes you will breakdown many more times before this emotional ride is over and there is nothing anyone can say to ease the hurt at least at the beginning..but believe me when I say as time passes you will begin to slowly adjust but in that time you really need to focus on yourself through self-reflection about your role in the marriage and how it went sour..forgiving her AND yourself will be the ultimate key to breaking that pain but the forgiving part is at the latter stages on the journey..I was very very depressed and hurt the first 3 months of my wife telling me the exact same thing except she had another man and had done a few other things, throw kids in the mix and I was a total wreck with no hope of ever thinking I would be the same..but after 14 months and now divorced I know I am a better person and have even started the process of forgiving her which is actually opening a whole new seems strange but there is light at the end of your tunnel if you let it...good luck and keep posting..many have been there and are not alone...and I was married 17 yrs.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-21-2011, 08:05 AM
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Re: Married 7 years Wife Says not in love anymore :(

I can completely relate. Even the timing is very similar to what I'm going through. I have been married for 4.5 yrs (together for 7.5) and around Memorial Day my wife told me she thought we should separate. For the better part of our relationship I was emotionally distant / non-existent and did not put worth the work / effort while my wife did. And eventually she got tired of that and made a decision to make herself happy. Like you she says she loves me and cares about me, but she is not in love with me anymore and feels no connection/spark and doubts whether there can ever be one again. These last few weeks have been the most difficult and sad of my entire life. I understand the breaking down - I'm doing it a lot myself both in front of her and when she is not around. We have started counseling - but had to stop and switch therapists b/c of some uncomfortability. We had our first session with the new one last night but when we got ready for bed last night things became bad again. This was after a weekend for she felt like she was ready to commit to giving us a chance to try and work on things for a period of time to see if there was anything still there. Now 2 days later she is back to being on the fence regarding whether she wants to stay or go. She is just not sure if she can get past the hurt I've caused her - she feels like she has given all she has and that once she made the decision to leave that all of a sudden I'm pulling her back and she doesn't believe / have hope that things can change. To top it off we have a 1 yr old girl.
Not sure if sharing this is of any help - but I can relate and understand. I feel that same hurt and sadness you do. I would do anything to get my wife to be on the same page and want to work.
Hang in there, spill your guts to friends/family, try to do some good things for you. I understand what you are going through!
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-21-2011, 12:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Married 7 years Wife Says not in love anymore :(

MyTwoGirls & Ohrunner,

Thank you for your comments. I am very sorry that both of you are going through that, because it really sucks. MyTwoGirls, it seems that you are getting to a better place right now. I hope to get there, also. I just can't wrap my head around why people walk away from a marriage, when they can work things out.

Ohrunner, are you still living at your house? If so, how is she acting toward you?

For the record, I am 39 and my wife is 42. For me, it seems that everything is up in the air right now and I am getting confused. On saturday night, we were talking and held hands for a while. We even made plans for our wedding aniversary which is comming up in three weeks. Then on sunday, she got upset with me again when I told her that I loved her and talked about our marriage future. She said she sees no future for us. This is all very confusing for me, and I don't know how much more I can take. She has made it clear that I was not there for her when she needed me. My only defense to that was that I had to work everyday for practiacally a year to keep my business afloat and still bring home money.

I have three people to talk to about this: My cousin, my sister, and a friend. Independently, they have all given me the same advice. My cousin straight out told me don't cry in front of her. My sister said the same thing and she also said that if I keep pushing my wife things will get worse. My friend who is a divorce and bankruptcy lawyer said, "Does this mean you get to date 26 year olds again?" That actually made me laugh.

I really hope things work out. I will keep you posted on how things are going. It seems that each day is up and down. I have a really hard time concentrating on work, and that is a problem. I am meeting with my therapist on wednesday.
Thank you.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-22-2011, 03:56 PM
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Re: Married 7 years Wife Says not in love anymore :(

Actually last night it was decided that we would separate. She is going to move out and find an apartment close by since we'll be passing our daughter back and forth.
I spent the better part of yesterday in tears because I had come to the realization that separating was the only option. you asked how she was acting toward me...well, when she originally approached me about separating - I immediately woke up from the fog and distance I've been in for years and I wanted to work on things and do counseling. We tried for a few weeks - but the problem was her heart wasn't in it. She was on the fence on what she wanted and although the counseling was getting us to talk about a lot of the issues and we were talking a lot at home ultimately she kept yo-yoing back and forth on what she wanted. One day she was sure she wanted to try and work and the next she wanted to run. See she had spent so long doing all the work and the fighting for us in our marriage that she was worn out and had nothing left and basically made the decision to do something to make herself happy and she felt like that meant separating to get away and get space to figure out things. Frankly I don't blame her - I'm not sure if the situation was reversed if I'd do anything different than she did - but obviously I wasn't in her shoes I was in mine and I was ready to fight for us. But with the flip flopping back and forth it was too difficult for me and I just didn't see that counseling was going to get us anywhere if she wasn't even sure what she wanted. I hate the idea of giving up but it truly seems like the only option. I'm hopeful that this separation will give her the time and space she needs to figure out what she wants and what can make her happy and obviously I'm hopeful that means working on our marriage together. But I'm VERY confused and VERY scared that it's already over. There are no plans to get divorced for now - it's a separation for a period of time, but like I said I'm scared, because I know want to be with her and make things work. The only consolation I have is that she has said that since all this started that she is impressed with how open I have been about my feelings and willing to talk things through and have an active dialogue and is impressed that I'm committed to making myself better and get myself out of the depression / lack of confidence that I have had for awhile which weighed heavily on her. I just hope she keeps that stuff in mind as well as some of the great times we've had together. But for now it's out of my minds - which is a tough thing to accept.

Like I said I'm hopeful and maybe that's blind / dumb hope but I still hope. It'll be very hard - I'll need things to keep me busy and distracted and fortunately I have a support system that can help so I'm not waiting by the phone or wondering what she's doing / feeling. I acknowledge that it may not turn out how I want things too - but I'm trying not to focus on that and instead focus on myself and my daughter.
Like you I'm going to see a therapist to help me out as well. I wish you the best of luck in everything and know you are not alone. feel free to keep posting away.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-23-2011, 09:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Married 7 years Wife Says not in love anymore :(

Update: Thursday 6/23

Oh no! I am so sorry to hear that you will separate. That is awful. Did both of you decide that or was it something that she was set on? Don't lose hope.

I went to see my therapist yesterday by myself. I talked with her about what was going on at home. I told her that I am still at home, my wife and I are communicating but things are not back to normal. I am so scared and confused, because everything is up in the air right now.

Maybe those who are reading this can give me some feedback. For the last couple of days I have been dressing better, acting as if I am ok and I even told her that things are really taking off at work( slight exageration). I have began to read some books on relationships and talked with friends who have been where I am at.

Here is where I am right now: I am still in the house and have slept on the couch for three weeks now. As of monday morning I have not raised the subject of our marriage at all. She will act weird if I try to hug her, or try to talk about what is going on. We have been going out and doing things. She will only call me for a reason, like to ask me if I want anything from the store. On monday night we went out for a nice drive together. Tuesday night we made pizza together for dinner. We have a wedding anniversary on july 13 and I told her I made plans, her response was "don't do anything romatic, let's just go out."

She is going away this weekend with her brother and sister to see family members a few hundred miles away. This trip was planned months ago. I am fearing anxiety about her being away.

I hope that things work out with us. That is all I have to say about this for now.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-24-2011, 12:29 AM
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Re: Married 7 years Wife Says not in love anymore :(

Separating sucks that's for sure and sorry to hear that. I haven't heard too many couples who come back successfully after separating and I am not saying yours won't. It seems once that distance is there, it is very hard to get back. I never tried to win mine back only because I felt she had already moved on in her mind. If you believe you have a chance to work it out with your wife then I suggest you work on bettering yourself first through self-reflection to find what you feel you can do better. If you do not do this then how can you truly expect to change in a relationship building sense? Maybe it is not you but her who needs changing. Even if things do not work out at least you will have a head start to a happier you. There are plenty of people on these forums who are at various stages of what we have gone through and I believe those who are still having a tough time letting go years later have not forgiven themselves or their ex-spouses.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 07:26 AM
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Re: Married 7 years Wife Says not in love anymore :(

I am so sorry!

I can tell you that I am not in love with my husband either after 4 years of marriage.

I feel sad for him that it has come to this, but it has, and reading your post makes me realize what it does to someone.

It's real - I won't ever love my husband again regardless of what he does.

It's been a rocky road with us, an ex wife, his daughter, his moodiness, etc. It has just totally worn me down to this point where I no longer care for him.

I don't know what to say to you other than good luck, be strong, life does go on.

He deserves better, as do you. You need to find that.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-10-2011, 07:57 PM
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Re: Married 7 years Wife Says not in love anymore :(

A real woman will not compromise on depreciation but if you know over the years decrease her means the opposite for her because of you after a few years you will live on a different level without a trace for you and from this point imagine

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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-10-2011, 08:16 PM
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Re: Married 7 years Wife Says not in love anymore :(


It is good that you are coming here for advice. DO NOT move out of your house. You cannot work on the marriage in separate dwellings. Do you think that she is having an affair? Go to the Coping with Infidelity forum to look for advice on snooping on her. If she is, you must end it immediately. Do not make the mistake of assuming that she could not do this to you. The red flags are there.

Be the strong man that she fell in love with. Do not beg, plead, or show weakness. You need to fight for your marriage by showing her that your marital history is worth preserving.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-10-2011, 09:58 PM
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Re: Married 7 years Wife Says not in love anymore :(

Good Husband,

I feel for you man... only two days ago my wife and I had a similar conversation (and thus there is a similar post to yours, from me, just down the list!). I don't think we are quite as far down the road as you, but you appear to have many more stressors involved.

We're still living together, it's only been two days since we talked about this. And my wife didn't say she didn't love me, only that she doesn't feel like she is in love with me anymore, but isn't sure. I think I got there early enough and saw the signs early enough that I'm hoping and praying we can fix this.

The things I've done so far are:
- go to a counselor. She helped set me on a path and gave me some tools. I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of a book she highly recommended, The Divorce Remedy, to see what it suggests.
- Our anniversary was Friday. We went out (actually her suggestion). We had a great time and talked and laughed like we hadn't in months. It was working up to that where I realized what I've let slip since that was the only time we've been out like that since Valentine's Day.
- I wrote her a love letter last night. Not a gushy, blush thing. Just a letter that tells her where I stand and that I love her and want to work on this. She cried when reading it and said she needed time to process it. And it was late and she had been up all day, so I gave her space. Nowhere in the letter did I ask her or demand a commitment; it was just about what I was committed to doing. I will say that sometime this week I do need to sit her down and ask her if she is willing to work on this together. I'm terrified of that moment as I'm terrified of hearing "no". I don't think there's a no coming, but I'm having to mentally prepare myself for it.

If it is no that doesn't mean I give up, it just means I have to work harder.

I have had to work very, very hard not to break down in front of her or cry. My counselor and others have given the same advice.. man up, so I have. But I'll tell you, it's damn hard. It's hardest when I'm out playing ball with my five year old son... that's when the anger and hurt really hit home, when I think of having that relationship damaged by this.

I'm exercising to deal with the stress and I do still cry, I'll admit it. I just make sure to do it on my way to work, when alone in the house, or elsewhere.

Good luck. I agree completely with the not moving out thing. I can't imagine how not being there makes it easier to fix. Heck, I cancelled a work trip in a few weeks because there is no way I'm going away for a week. She told me she's wondered if she can do it all by herself (manage three kids as a single mom) and I don't intend to give her a dry run.
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