General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'm a newly wed of 2 months and am wondering how it got to the point where i'm asking for help on a forum about my marriage.
basically we've been dating for 5 years, during which time shes moved continents and left a lot of what she knows for this relationship. I have typically taken this for granted and it all culminated in a horrible and humiliating wedding ceremony that she didnt want and that i pushed for. Shes rightfully angry and has had enough (i know i'm not giving a lot of information but trust me shes bitter and she doesnt let go of grudges easily). She feels unappreciated, doesnt trust me to protect her from outside influences(in-laws, etc) and has lost the will to put any effort into this anymore. I'm getting us counselling to try to salvage what little we have left.
Any other advice??
I think counseling is a great start, but don't let it stop there. Make sure to go to her and ask her what she needs in order for her to be happy in your marriage. Then REALLY listen to what she has to say without being defensive, angry or give excuses. Just listen to her. Then really work at making her happy by trying to do all (or at least most of) the things that she told you she needs. I think she would appreciate that you are trying to make the relationship work and this will eventually open her heart up again. Just make sure to be consistent for the long haul because she may not respond as quick as you want, but eventually I think she will come around. Actions always shows a person how much (or little) you care. Good luck.
I have typically taken this for granted and it all culminated in a horrible and humiliating wedding ceremony that she didnt want and that i pushed for. Shes rightfully angry and has had enough (i know i'm not giving a lot of information but trust me shes bitter and she doesnt let go of grudges easily). She feels unappreciated, doesnt trust me to protect her from outside influences(in-laws, etc) and has lost the will to put any effort into this anymore.
Ya, ive been there. I didnt move countries, just states, but i gave up a lot for my H and he didnt appreciate it at all.
Can you think of something you can give up for her? that was my biggest thing. I gave up so much for him and he did nothing for me in return. I was bitter for years.
And the in-laws. ya, he didnt protect me from his crazy mother. that was another issue. i dont know exactly what you mean when you said, "doesnt trust me to protect her from outside influences" but i can only think its along the same lines. my H was afraid to offend his mom. so i told him he's going to have to chose who he offends, and if its me, i'm leaving.
What bothered me the most, was i had to keep bringing it up to him. he never did anything on his own. i thought if he loved me, he'd at least do something on his own. But then i realized, he's not a mind reader. Make sure you ask her what she needs from you. She'll probably be reluctant to tell you, or spit in your face (so to speak) b/c you haven't listen so far, so in addition, do some things on your own that show her you're trying to appreciate her more.
I was bitter about it for a long time, and she probably will be too. Just keep working at it. as long as she sees you're trying, odds are she'll try and work it out. she has a lot invested in you.
Your posting seems to me about you seemingly to not understand your own actions and not comprehending youor wife's needs. But you do not give enough specifics for an informed opinion beyond generalities.
For example, please explain the quoted material.
Quote:
Originally Posted by corinthian
I have typically taken this for granted and it all culminated in a horrible and humiliating wedding ceremony that she didnt want and that i pushed for.
Why did you push for a wedding she didn't want? It's YOUR (both of you) day, not the in-laws. That's what receptions are for (if that's what you want).
Why did you want to get married in the first place? And just exactly what is/was her objection to a ceremony? More information is needed here. We're only hearing your side of the story.
There are (at least) two problems here...1) you pushed her into something she didn't want, 2) she didn't communicate clearly about why she didn't want it.
COMMUNICATIONS is the critical point in any relationship. You both are not doing that. Until you can, it's not going to get better. And if she holds grudges, as you say, it will get worse.
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Ya, ive been there. I didnt move countries, just states, but i gave up a lot for my H and he didnt appreciate it at all.
Can you think of something you can give up for her? that was my biggest thing. I gave up so much for him and he did nothing for me in return. I was bitter for years.
And the in-laws. ya, he didnt protect me from his crazy mother. that was another issue. i dont know exactly what you mean when you said, "doesnt trust me to protect her from outside influences" but i can only think its along the same lines. my H was afraid to offend his mom. so i told him he's going to have to chose who he offends, and if its me, i'm leaving.
What bothered me the most, was i had to keep bringing it up to him. he never did anything on his own. i thought if he loved me, he'd at least do something on his own. But then i realized, he's not a mind reader. Make sure you ask her what she needs from you. She'll probably be reluctant to tell you, or spit in your face (so to speak) b/c you haven't listen so far, so in addition, do some things on your own that show her you're trying to appreciate her more.
I was bitter about it for a long time, and she probably will be too. Just keep working at it. as long as she sees you're trying, odds are she'll try and work it out. she has a lot invested in you.
Thanks for the advice.
I'm replying to you because a lot of what you said is how she feels. On some level its good to hear that i'm not uniquely boneheaded and that things can be worked out. How did you get over being bitter . My wife is someone that can REALLY hold grudges (not in an unreasonable way mind you...you really have to have wronged her).
What im having trouble with is somehow being mindful of her hurt feelings but still having an opinion in the relationship. Some topics have become more touchy now becuase they hold a deeper meaning for her (e.g a disagreement about how to set up the living room only highlights for her my longstanding habit of taking her sacrifices for granted and trying to act like everything is on equal ground now)
Does any of this sound familiar?
I think i'm working through it. I know she doesnt want to be married to someone whos afraid to speak their mind. I'm also not prepared to do that but i do think a bit more carefully before i speak.
newly wed and need some advice
