credamdóchasgra

I've been told by others here on TAM that it's in the best interest of the relationship, and of myself, to NOT have sex with H after he's treated me badly, or until things improve.

This is true. It is too emotionally risky for me, and unhealthy for us, to have sex as if nothing else is wrong. We have sex, nothing else gets resolved, I get attached and start getting hopeful, am vulnerable, and there's never any consequence for the lack of love and respect.

We're on Day 3 of this.

Day 1: "I can't. But that doesn't mean I don't love you."
Day 2: no real comments, I just went to bed early.
Day 3 (last night): He got pouty and passive aggressively nasty.
I maintained a positive affect.
I said: "This is because I love you and I care about our relationship. It's not right to have sex when other wheels of our relationship are falling off. We need to be in balance. Sometimes it's better for us to NOT do whatever we feel like. I can't tonight, and we'll both know when I can."

AND....enter blameshifting and denial: "No wheels are falling off of our relationship, Those are YOUR wheels falling off. Examine in yourself why you won't have sex with me... YOU...YOU...YOU..blah blah blah...blame blame blame"

Me: "It takes two."
Him: "It takes ONE!" uh...?
defend, deny, self-protect, blame, project...

I looked him straight in the eyes, told him I loved him, and went to bed.

It hurts me to reject him. But continued dysfunction will hurt more in the long run.
He knows how I feel. He hasn't done a damn thing to show me that he's my partner and not my opponent.

Sometimes I think he doesn't know how to love.
It's not my job to teach him.

He's either going to accept reality and meet me in the middle, or I'm FINALLY going to get the clarity I need to be decisive and say "ENOUGH" already.

__________________
Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it.

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.

credamdóchasgra

P.S. It has happened in the past that I've tried to initiate, and he's said no.
NEVER ever have I gotten nasty when that has happened.

__________________
Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it.

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.

Dedicated2Her

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This will take a little while to change the dynamic of the relationship, but it is a VERY good thing. I'm proud of you.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I agree with this approach.
I think it is good to have relations when you feel you are being treated nicely, on a day-to-day basis. You know when you are being treated nicely because then you feel like making love with your partner. Otherwise, being treated badly, why should he expect you to make love to him? Ridiculous expectation, and I'm sure he knows this too.
If I would suggest one change though, too much explaining and words to him about it. He knows what the situation is, so discussing it is not necessary, and only gives him the opportunity to make a verbal argument using favorite smokescreen tools, usually words. Think of all the movies you could watch with the time saved from the verbage. In fact, you could suggest, well, I am not feeling up to lovemaking tonight, but let's watch a movie. Pick a good one, so he won't feel inclined to talk over it!

Edited to add: My personal strategy is not to give my H the opportunity or means to treat me badly and to stop it immediately so that it does not escalate to the point of days upon days of no physical intimacy. Some days this can be done with logistics, other days he will have more opportunity for it to go either way. Not like I'm going to keep a scorecard, but when there is treating badly (aka abuse) then who needs a scorecard, we know how it feels.

credamdóchasgra

This is absolutely true. This was my mistake last night. Thanks for the reminder.

__________________
Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it.

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.

WhereAmI

I'm not sure if I agree fully with what you're doing, but I missed the last thread. I assume that if he has a day where he's able to behave as a mature adult you'd be willing to bond sexually?
Anyway, I think you should address his comment from the third night. Let him know that you've examined the reasons and that his refusal to work on the relationship has made you feel emotionally neglected to the point that sex is very far from your mind, assuming that's the truth. He needs to understand that his actions affect your desire.
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RandomDude

I hope he's not a stubborn prick like I am though credamdocashgra (sheesh btw you have any idea how long your username is?!)

I would start helping myself at this point in ur hubby's shoes (and drive the missus to even more insanity!), I don't break, or bend knee. Even if my new avatar suggests otherwise (it's cute no? xD suits how I feel at times with marriage)

Anyways on a serious note, since when did you come up with this idea? I know I haven't been around but please, give me a rundown.

credamdóchasgra

He knows these things in a general sense.
I've told him that his flaring temper and blameshifting push me away.
Told him--though it was months ago--that when he yells at me, I can't open up to him sexually.
He knows what I would love for him to do--I said it clearly in a letter I wrote to him last week.
He knows.
I'm close to the edge of leaving, and need something to push me in one or the other direction of that edge.
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credamdóchasgra

Since my dignity started to outweigh my hope in the marriage.
No, seriously...it's only been a few days.
His last display of uncontrolled emotion was Thursday. Weekend was tense, with some passive aggression, and Sunday night he wanted to have sex.
Every time I reach out to try and repair, he denies there's anything to repair.
I'm protecting myself from this loneliness.
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Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I catch myself doing that a lot!

My counselor was even advising me to explain something and I stopped the counselor and said, no, that doesn't work, too many words, too much opportunity to use them as abuse or smokescreening.

I consider explaining things as an 'attractive nuisance'.

Behavior modification only works when you put it in action. The point is that it isn't supposed to engage the part of the brain that can think about it. You want to establish a rock solid neural pathway. This can't be done by book learning (i.e. verbage).

And, it should be largely focused on positive reinforcement with increased (and randomly nearly guaranteed) chances of success at the outset, and then less effort on your part to facilitate the positive outcome over time (still with random nearly-guaranteed positive outcome days).

The FLIP SIDE of this is that if he treats you like a queen one day, and you do not feel in the mood (like you are genuinely tired or starting to feel sick), you'd be doing yourself a huge disservice not to deliver the positive reinforcement. There are times when it is for our own good, just in the long term.

Just like frog in a pot with the heat increasing works to condition a person to abuse, manipulation and control, it can work just as well in the other direction. It's a bit troubling when one has to consciously think about the situation like that, it's normally a thought process reserved for pets, horses, and children in the toddler or adolescent stage. But, whatever.

credamdóchasgra

Rock solid neural pathway.
Too many words distract.
Positive reinforcement.
You sound like you get what I'm going through here.

A colleague/fellow teacher friend of mine said, "He needs a marriage IEP."
Abso-freaking-lutely.
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sarah.rslp

You shouldn't use sex as a weapon in an arguement

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RandomDude

=/

Well I guess you explained it quite well, it seems he's playing the silent game, it's due time to play it back - I would do the same.

Well considering what I just heard from OP, all is fair in love and war.

credamdóchasgra

Not what I'm doing at all. Read my whole story if you feel like it.
I don't believe all's fair in love and war.
I just don't feel like I'm being loved--for months now--so I can't make love.
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RandomDude

Realised I took that saying too far too actually...