Companionship - is it ever enough?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 06-25-2011, 12:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 6
Default Companionship - is it ever enough?

Are there any others here who feel that they have married for companionship? By this I mean they have married someone they may care for, be friends with, be comfortable being around, but not have passionately romantic feelings towards?

If so what was it that brought you together in the first place (not wanting to be alone, marriage was something you are 'supposed' to do etc?). What keeps you together? Do you feel fulfilled by your marriage; is it enough for you to both be happy?

Yes, I am in such a marriage but I don't want to obscure other's input on this particular question by describing my own personal circumstances just yet.
David_H is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 06-25-2011, 12:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 19,461
Default Re: Companionship - is it ever enough?

I was in a marriage like that.

I no longer am.
Conrad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-25-2011, 01:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Kauaiguy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Kauai, (the Garden Island) Hawaii
Posts: 131
Default Re: Companionship - is it ever enough?

I think that while still young, everyone should experience being married and having children. After all, having children is probably our sole purpose for being here.

Unfortunately, marriage has it's ups and downs and there are times when one or the other realizes that it's time to cut the bond for one reason or another. Then of course there's death and both can be devastating to the point where the one that's left behind has a grieving process to get through.

But all in all, if one can remain married for a lengthy period of time (long enough to raise the children), then there will be fond memories of the good times and the satisfaction that you've completed your main purpose for being here.

However when you reach your Senior years, companionship is all that is really needed. You want someone to be with, share things with, do things with .. with a little sex in between.

The worst thing about being a Senior is being alone. Especially when you get to the point that you're physically unable to get around and do much. That's when companionship is important.

Or else all you're doing is waiting to die. And that's no way to live the rest of your life.

Last edited by Kauaiguy; 06-25-2011 at 01:14 PM.
Kauaiguy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-25-2011, 02:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Runs like Dog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Redneckistan
Posts: 7,276
Default Re: Companionship - is it ever enough?

That would be my goal now. I have given up on love, marriage, romance or sex. I would be happy with friendship.
Posted via Mobile Device
Runs like Dog is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 06-25-2011, 10:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
southbound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,811
Default Re: Companionship - is it ever enough?

Companionship was not enough for me, but my x wife said she needed that more than a sexual relationship. I used to hear my grandmother talk about companionship. I think that is something that becomes more valued as we get older.

Personally, I needed a strong intimate, sexual relationship; I figured I could enjoy companionship when I was in the nursing home.
southbound is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 06-25-2011, 11:16 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 364
Default Re: Companionship - is it ever enough?

I think passion and romance early in a relationship and companionship later in a relationship sounds about right. Mrs. BigToe and I have almost 30 years together and I can say we have more of a companionship relationship now where before, passion and romance were a much higher priority. That doesn't mean passion, romance, and sex are not important anymore, they are. However, there comes a point when you become so in-tune with each other that just having each other (and enjoying each other) as trusted partners is more important than romance and sex.
BigToe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-26-2011, 01:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 4
Default Re: Companionship - is it ever enough?

hmm BigToe sounds correct..
diana_w is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-26-2011, 08:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Runs like Dog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Redneckistan
Posts: 7,276
Default Re: Companionship - is it ever enough?

Of course the former doesn't need respect while the latter does.
Runs like Dog is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 06-26-2011, 09:28 AM   #9 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 6,471
Default Re: Companionship - is it ever enough?

South,
This depiction of your marriage will serve you well when you are on a date and get asked why your marriage ended. It is insightful and concise and killer funny.

Thanks for my first laugh of the day.


Quote:
Originally Posted by southbound View Post
Companionship was not enough for me, but my x wife said she needed that more than a sexual relationship. I used to hear my grandmother talk about companionship. I think that is something that becomes more valued as we get older.

Personally, I needed a strong intimate, sexual relationship; I figured I could enjoy companionship when I was in the nursing home.
MEM11363 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 06-26-2011, 10:08 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Runs like Dog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Redneckistan
Posts: 7,276
Default Re: Companionship - is it ever enough?

The fastest growing demographic of HIV+ is senior citizens.
Runs like Dog is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 06-26-2011, 10:36 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
southbound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,811
Default Re: Companionship - is it ever enough?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
South,
This depiction of your marriage will serve you well when you are on a date and get asked why your marriage ended. It is insightful and concise and killer funny.

Thanks for my first laugh of the day.
You are welcome for the laugh. My x wife's sister, who is in her 40s, healthy and attractive, told her once that she too needed companionship more than sex. She and her husband go for months in between sex. In my wife's mind, that helped justify her low drive, but I find it strange.

I always thought there was a special attraction between men and women that included a desire for sex. If sex wasn't the key difference and companionship was all I needed, I could have just moved in with my brother and had a good , fun life.
He and I are close, have the same sense of humor, and have a ball together, but I have a desire that draws me to the opposite sex that i thought was normal.

To me, there is a lot more to a relationship than sex, but take that away and it just seems like there's not much that separates that couple from a 90 year old person in the retirement home. As a matter of fact, there are probably some 90 year old people who are more interested in sex than my x wife was.

Actually, my x didn't mention sex much as a reason for our divorce, but I suppose the difference in our sex drives probably created a break-down in the relationship that led to unhappiness for her in other areas.
southbound is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 06-26-2011, 11:32 AM   #12 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 19,461
Default Re: Companionship - is it ever enough?

What really hurts is to think someone has a low sex drive and later find out they really have a high drive, but just didn't want to have sex with you.

That's why real attraction is a key ingredient.
Conrad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-26-2011, 11:43 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,351
Default Re: Companionship - is it ever enough?

Quote:
Originally Posted by southbound View Post
You are welcome for the laugh. My x wife's sister, who is in her 40s, healthy and attractive, told her once that she too needed companionship more than sex. She and her husband go for months in between sex. In my wife's mind, that helped justify her low drive, but I find it strange.

I always thought there was a special attraction between men and women that included a desire for sex. If sex wasn't the key difference and companionship was all I needed, I could have just moved in with my brother and had a good , fun life.
He and I are close, have the same sense of humor, and have a ball together, but I have a desire that draws me to the opposite sex that i thought was normal.

To me, there is a lot more to a relationship than sex, but take that away and it just seems like there's not much that separates that couple from a 90 year old person in the retirement home. As a matter of fact, there are probably some 90 year old people who are more interested in sex than my x wife was.

Actually, my x didn't mention sex much as a reason for our divorce, but I suppose the difference in our sex drives probably created a break-down in the relationship that led to unhappiness for her in other areas.
@ southbound ~ I've seen a few posts from you now where you mention wondering whether your drive is normal. While I think it's good to reflect back on our pasts in order to learn to not make the same mistakes going forward, please don't dwell on it too much. Look at how you can move forward as a calm, strong, and confident man.

You ARE normal. I think it is normal for a healthy male to have a strong desire for sex and a strong desire for intimacy through sex with someone that he really loves. Even if you end up with a lower libido woman and she truly cares about and respects you, she WILL be interested in sex with you because IT is important to you and YOU are important to her.


@ OP - I'm sure there have been a number of good marriages throughout time that started out with less than companionship - such as arranged marriages. I've no statistics on how many would be considered 'good', but surely there has to have been some. To me, the key is how COMMITTED you are to each other. If there is commitment both ways, then I think that a marriage that started out as companionship has the potential to develop in to something more over time.
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

Last edited by Enchantment; 06-26-2011 at 11:48 AM.
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-26-2011, 12:07 PM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 23
Default Re: Companionship - is it ever enough?

Quote:
Originally Posted by David_H View Post
Are there any others here who feel that they have married for companionship? By this I mean they have married someone they may care for, be friends with, be comfortable being around, but not have passionately romantic feelings towards?

If so what was it that brought you together in the first place (not wanting to be alone, marriage was something you are 'supposed' to do etc?). What keeps you together? Do you feel fulfilled by your marriage; is it enough for you to both be happy?

Yes, I am in such a marriage but I don't want to obscure other's input on this particular question by describing my own personal circumstances just yet.
I hope David comes back and tells us a little more.

Companionship? sometimes it depends on how you are using the word. I think here the posters are talking about 'you get along with this person really well but don't have, enjoy or have enough, sex with them'.
So in that context you would have to go to the hundreds of posts that talk about "how important is sex in a marriage" or "my wife has a different sex drive than I do". However many times this topic is discussed I think people just don't accept that there will be a difference in sex drive, one is not right or wrong just different. I would further that by saying it doesn't really mean anything if you and spouse have different sex drives. I don't know if the OP is just having that same old discussion.

I do think that getting along with someone (call it companionship or whatever word you like) is very very important in a marriage. I believe that the physical attraction is a terrible reason to be together if that is all you have. Or even if you are only staying together because of the attraction. I don't think people, when they are dating, spend enough time trying to figure out if they really can live with this person. Part of knowing that is knowing what is important to you and that can take some time. There are a lot of dimensions to being compatible and you have to know yourself to know which are the important points. Even if you get along with your spouse you may not be really compatible on some important dimensions or qualities.

I also believe that sex becomes less important as we age (maybe just for women, I have never been a man) This may be biology that says "hey lady you are too old to be having kids now so knock it off with the whole sex thing".

What does become important as you age is having a history and social network with that person. Traditionally the family, kids and grandkids are an important part of the older couples lives.

I also think it is important to have someone that is around your age to talk to. I think the May - December romances miss this. I like to talk about things from years ago and my partner knows what I am talking about and shares that experience.

So yes, companionship is really important.
Antheia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-26-2011, 12:40 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
southbound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,811
Default Re: Companionship - is it ever enough?

I look at companionship as having someone to be with, have a good time with, share life's ups and downs, be friends with, someone to talk to, help you when you're in need, etc. In one form or another, however, I could get that from many people, even other men, but having a sexual relationship is one special thing that I only shared with my wife. That made it special and desirable. If it is absent, it just makes things seem weird.
southbound is online now   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Passionate love versus Companionship love... floressm General Relationship Discussion 27 03-24-2013 02:26 AM
My story of perfect companionship, little intimacy. Advice greatly appreciated. SeekingClarity Considering Divorce or Separation 1 09-10-2011 07:09 PM
Need of companionship to identify ones self..type of addiction? mentallydrained Relationships and Addiction 4 01-13-2011 05:44 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:33 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage