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My Wife is leaning towards moving home / separation / divorce

12K views 123 replies 25 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 · (Edited)
Hi,

I'm new to this forum and after reading through a number of posts, I've decided to share my story in hopes of getting some advice and support.

I'm 38 and my wife is 31. We've been together for almost six years and married almost three. Last September / October, we moved across the country (from Ontario to Alberta) so that I could accept a new job (my dream job). Without getting specific about what I do, there are only 30 jobs in the world and it's a public, fairly high-profile position. I started working (volunteering) in this field when I was 18 years old, and after spending almost two decades climbing the proverbial ladder, I finally reached my career goal last year.

On our first date, I told my to-be wife what I did for a living and what my career goals were. I also told her that with only 30 jobs in the world, I needed to be with someone who would be willing to move, potentially across the country or maybe even to the U.S., if there was an opportunity. She was on board...or at least she said that she was, or was at the time.

In the next few years, I interviewed for two jobs and didn't get either. I was starting to believe that I was never going to achieve my career goals, and I suspect that she was, too. Last summer, a job opened up and she encouraged me to apply for it. I did, with little hope that I would be successful. After I interviewed for the position, she started to change. Suddenly, she wasn't sure that she was willing to make the move. After much discussion, I told her that I would remove myself from consideration. Her response was that she wanted me to get the job and wanted to move. So, I went for the second interview and was offered the job. When I told her, she flipped out. We had some pretty intense discussions and at one point, I said that after everything that had been said, if she didn't let me accept the offer or didn't go with me, it COULD be the beginning of the end for us. That may have been the case, but I certainly wasn't threatening her. After much more discussion, she agreed to let me accept the job and make the move. Our next hurdle was telling her parents. My Wife is very close with her Mom and Dad. When we went to their house, I was ambushed. Her Mom and her Dad started screaming at me, calling me selfish and saying that I didn't care about anybody but myself. They just couldn't understand why I would want to move away from family and friends and out of our new house for a job. They said it was "just a job". Obviously, I didn't and never will see it that way.

Luckily, my Wife, who also has a good career, was transferred by her employer to the same position in our new city. They even gave her a cost-of-living increase, which was great. We travelled to our new city and purchased a house, even nicer than the one that we had just built and sold. Everything seemed to be falling into place.

The first few months that we were in Alberta, my wife seemed content. Not happy, but content. She was really trying to establish roots by trying to make new friends through work, volunteering at the SPCA and through meet-ups. She really tried. In hindsight, I probably should have told her how much I appreciated her sacrifice and how much I appreciated how hard she was trying to make it work. Things started to change around January. Even though she was doing the same job for the same company, she wasn't (isn't) as happy at work. She said there is a different "vibe" and that because we are in a larger market, people are more "cut-throat". There isn't the same community in her office in Alberta as their was in Ontario. She would come home upset almost every day. That has been one of our problems.

Another major problem is how much I have to travel for work. While I'm pretty much off all summer, from October through April or May, I am away a lot. On average, I am home (not working at home or traveling for work) 12 or 13 days a month. My Wife keeps telling me how lonely she is, even when I'm here. Even though she swore that she wouldn't resent me for accepting the job and moving across the country, she does...she's admitted it. Moving away from family and friends is hard, but on top of that, she's built a wall around herself and won't let me in. So, not only does she not have her family and friends close by, she is keeping me at arms-length. For months, it has felt more like we are roommates or friends as opposed to Husband and Wife.

I thought things were getting better and was really looking forward to my time off from work so that I could take some things off of her plate around the house and so that we could re-connect as a couple, meet new friends that would give her a support system now, and more importantly, when I go back to work. But since I've been home, things have been worse. She keeps saying that it doesn't matter what happens during the summer because I'm gone all winter. We recently went on vacation to the same place that we went from our honeymoon and other than sitting by the beach or the pool and eating meals together, she didn't want anything to do with me. I would just sit in the lobby bar by myself every night. With that said, I was trying to be supportive and understanding. A couple of days before we left, she had a panic attack at work. I took her to the hospital and they prescribed her medi cation for anxiety / depression. She has been on them for a few weeks now and seems to be calmer. She also seems a lot colder.

We have been to see a marriage counsellor a couple of times in the last month. The first time we went, my Wife finally admitted that she is angry at me for taking the job and moving. When the counsellor asked her what I could do to make her happier here, she said she didn't know. She also admitted that she had stopped trying to make it work in Alberta and wanted to move back to Ontario. When the counsellor asked me if I was willing to do that, I told her that I didn't think that was the answer because if I give up the job that I worked so hard for, I would only resent my Wife worse than she resents me for taking it and moving here. It would also leave me - and potentially her - without jobs. We would go from both having good / great careers to being unemployed and from being quite secure financially to broke and living in her parents' basement.

Since then, we've had some really good discussions and some really bad arguments. She has said things like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore", "I just want to live a normal life, I don't want to be the wife of a public figure", "I don't want to end our marriage but I don't know if I can or want to live this lifestyle anymore".

Almost everybody that we've talked to - counsellors, family members and friends, have told her that it takes a lot more than eight or nine months to start to get over homesickness and feel more comfortable. I think she gets that, but I'm not sure she wants to or is willing to keep trying.

I caught her in a couple of lies last week, although I must admit that me trying to wrap my head around what is happening led me to do something that I now regret. I couldn't help but wonder if there was someone else. I looked through the messages on my Wife's iPad and found out that she had asked her company about a position in Ontario and that she had gone to the bank. When I asked her if she had started looking for another job, she said no. When I asked her if she had an appointment at the bank, she again said no. She later admitted that she had lied. Until last week, trust was never an issue in our relationship. Now, it is for me because I caught her in a couple of lies and because I looked through her iPad. She never had a problem with me looking on her iPhone or iPad before - and the same went for my phone and tablet. Now, she said that because I did that, she doesn't feel comfortable in her own house.

On Thursday, she texted me to say that she was going to stay in a hotel this weekend. Naturally, this raised a red flag with me. She said that she was doing it to get away from my Dad (he's in town visiting and they've had some uncomfortable discussions about what's happening), and to get away from all of the conflict and tension so that she can think. She swears that she hasn't cheated on me.

Before she left yesterday, we had a really constructive three-hour chat. We were both very calm and level-headed. She told me about all of the things that have and continue to bother her. In addition to being so far from her family and friends, she also has some issues with me. There are no major issues, but a number of minor ones. She said that if we lived in Ontario, the issues wouldn't be as big of a deal and certainly wouldn't have her considering separation / divorce. She feels like because of my career, she's had to give up so much of who she is - mainly the relationships with her family and friends. By the way, she has flown back to Ontario four or five times since we moved to Alberta, her Mom has been here twice, her Dad and Grandma have een here once.

At the end of our conversation, I asked her what her best-case scenario was. Her response was saving the marriage and finding a way to be happy and live a fulfilling life here, with me. She added that she didn't know if she could do it.

I believe that my wife loves me...I just don't know if she loves me enough to make the sacrifices necessary to stay here. I have told her that we may not be here forever. Things change. A lot of things can happen in the field that I work in. And who knows, if we get our marriage back on track and decide to start a family, which is really important to both of us, maybe I will decide that my job keeps me away from my Wife and kids too much, and change careers. I don't know what the future holds professionally. Personally, I love my wife with all of my heart. She is my best friend. I want to save our marriage and rebuild our relationship so badly. The thought of losing her kills me.

I don't know what to think or what to do or not to do. Any experiences, guidance and advice would be much appreciated!
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#2 ·
Maybe your life goals are incompatible. She may have thought she could do this but she's realizing she can't, and due to the limited job opportunities things will tend to always be about you.

Extensive travel is terrible for a marriage, but especially for someone like her who gave up her support system and now doesn't even have her hb around a lot of the time. In that sense she's ripe for attention from someone else.

You speak of sacrifice on her end but what exactly do you sacrifice for this marriage? It would seem very little.

You've essentially chosen your career first and that's ok, you're entitled to do that. It just may mean that your marriage fails because the marriage must meet the needs of both parties and this setup isn't meeting her needs.

So if your wife is unhappy here and you need to make a choice what will it be? This might be your sacrifice.

It happens that peoples' goals become incompatible.
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#3 · (Edited)
Hi lifeistooshort,

Thanks for your reply. You make some excellent points. I believe that she thought that she could make it work, but it's not working. I prefer to think that it's not working YET. Our marriage counsellor tried to convince my Wife that it takes more time to adjust to moving across the country and away from family and friends. She didn't think that eight months was enough time and neither do I.

As for sacrifices that I make, I've told her that I will do whatever it takes to make her happy here. For example, she has a long commute to work, so I told her that we could sell our house (which I love) and move closer to her office. Is giving up my career and moving back to Ontario the only sacrifice that I can make? If so, is that really the answer? My fear is that if I was to do that, I'm going to resent her as much, if not more, than she resents me. On top of that, neither one of us will have a job. Because I've been focused on achieving my very specific career goal for more than half of my life, changing careers at the age of 38 would be quite a challenge. Finances are also very important to my Wife, so going from having two well-paying jobs to none would add a lot more stress to an already difficult situation.

There are things that we can both do to make her life better here. I didn't realize it until recently, but I simply wasn't doing enough. All I'm hoping for is a chance to do those things and some time to do those things. I guess I'm also asking her to start to take down the wall that she's built between us and to be open-minded about being happy here.

I'm on a multi-year contract, so leaving now really isn't an option. The plan was to move to Alberta for the length of the contract and then re-evaluate things. If she's not happy when the contract is up, we would then explore our options. I just don't think that walking away from a six-year relationship and a three-year marriage after eight months of being homesick is the right thing to do. I value our marriage more than that and don't believe that we should give up on it until we have exhausted every option to fix our problems.

Anyway, thanks for your reply...your thoughts on how our goals don't seem to line-up really have me thinking.
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#4 ·
I just don't think that walking away from a six-year relationship and a three-year marriage after eight months of being homesick is the right thing to do. I value our marriage more than that and don't believe that we should give up on it until we have exhausted every option to fix our problems./QUOTE]

I agree, but it sounds like more than that to me. I'm very curious about what you actually do for a living. If you're in politics, for instance, not every woman would be cut out for that.....few would, actually. (Still, she knew going in what your goal was).

It is quite clear that your career is your #1 priority in life. And that you want a wife who is willing to take a back seat to that. She doesn't sound like that kind of woman.
 
#5 ·
Hi SecondTime,

You probably won't believe me when I say this (my Wife doesn't), but even though my career is very important to me, my Wife is MORE important. Everything in my life, including my career, lose meaning without being able to share them with my Wife. If she would have said I can't move to Alberta, I would have been upset but I believe I would have gotten over it because I would have still had a good job and career aspirations. She told me that she wanted me to take it and wanted to move and eight months later everything has changed. If I were to give up my career and move back to Ontario, I would have to look for a new career at the age of 38 and I'm really not trained to do anything else. Even though I know that my marriage is more important than my career, I'm starting to understand why my Wife doesn't believe that...because both people who've replied see it the same way that she does.
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#8 ·
You will regret this tremendously. You are willing to give up everything you have worked towards, so as to make your wife happy? Anything can happen over the next several years. What happens if you quit your career, move back, and then she never gets back to loving you. What if she then has an affair and leaves? You would feel like a real idiot for giving it all up for a woman.

There are no assurances in life, let alone a marriage.

NEVER LET A WOMAN INTERRUPT YOUR LIFE'S MISSION.
 
#6 · (Edited)
You said that if your wife goes back to Ontario, she would no longer have a job. Couldn't she transfer within the company she's with now?

While your wife did agree to the job and move, she was clearly unsure about it, even unhappy. For some people who have strong ties to one area, moving is difficult. She probably had no idea how difficult it would be. Then throw in that her job is not going well.

So what does she have now? A husband who is hardly ever home. A job that is not good. No family or friends locally. Your wife is struggling emotionally with all this. It seems that you have a problem empathizing with her. Instead you are looking her problems from your own perspective. For you 8 months is not enough. Apparently you are just fine spending very little time with your wife and seem to have your needs filled even though you are not with her much. Well, she's not you . And she has found out that she cannot handle the current situation.

You say that you think that with just 8 months in, it's too early to give up and you value your marriage more than that. Perhaps you value your marriage. But you are not showing that you are even trying to really understand your wife's point of view and what she is going through. Your marriage and your wife are two different entities. You might want to explore your thoughts about them individually. Instead of hearing and feeling what your wife is saying, you are on the defensive and trying to tell her that what she feels is not really valid.. only what you feel/think is.

You say that you want to start a family. Since you are not home a good part of the time, your wife will have the major responsibility. She would be alone during most of her pregnancy. Then she will be the primary care giver of your child. She will also have to do most household chores, and keeping her job. This means that she will have to put aside the desire she has to get ahead in her career. If the two of you can afford a fulltime nanny and housekeeper, she might be ok.

This is what happened to me. I had to give up promotions and the most interesting assignments because my husband was not a partner in our marriage. He pursued his interests, traveled a lot. I was left with the children the house, and my job. He and I earned about the same amount. But somehow his job, his ambitions were more important than mine. We are no longer married. This was one of the issues.

What happens after the end of this contract? What would be your next career move? My bet is that it will require yet another move. Your wife is probably looking ahead and realizing that she will have to move again to who knows where in 6 years.

You have every right to want to pursue the career you want. Your wife has the same right. I'm not sure how you resolve this except for doing a lot of communication. It would do you well to drop the defensiveness and really hear what she is telling you, feel it. That might be enough to get her to try more.

When you are defensive, what you do is to put up a wall and through that wall tell your spouse why she is wrong and shy your way is the right way.

Listen to her. Empathize with her.

There used to be a guy named David Viscott. He was a therapist who wrote a lot of books and had a radio show a long time ago. It was quite a loss when he died too young. Two things that he used to say that apply here are...


  • In all things come from love. You will never go wrong if you do.
  • In a marriage each person should be able to do what they love. The marriage should support both in this.
 
#9 ·
I have actually been through almost exactly this situation, but on your W's side. It is corrosive to the relationship and can result in lifelong resentment and hurt.

The problem, as I see it, is that she doesn't feel that she is in control of her own life. She didn't make the decision to move; she only acquiesced for you. In essence, she felt between a rock and a hard place & couldn't say no to you, but really, really dreaded the move. As a result, she hasn't been able to embrace the positive at all about her new situation & it enrages her inside to see you feeling good about it.

The thing is, I'm sure that she will feel that she has made the absolute wrong decision if she either goes back home without you or forces you to go back.

What we wound up doing was negotiating a compromise. We set an end date to our time in the place that we had moved to. My H respected the compromise and we moved after he had given his job enough years to represent a respectable tenure. Knowing that we were not looking at an open-ended commitment to a place that I was unhappy in gave me a measure of control that helped me tremendously. By the time we left, I had come to a much fairer opinion of the place we were living in. I still did not want to retire there, but I was far from reflexively critical.
 
#32 ·
The problem, as I see it, is that she doesn't feel that she is in control of her own life. She didn't make the decision to move; she only acquiesced for you.
I disagree. He told her ON THE FIRST DATE that he would likely have to take a job in another area, and she AGREED that that was ok with her. Had she told him then that she would absolutely never leave her parents, he wouldn't have continued to date her.
 
#10 ·
Hi EleGirl,

Thanks for your reply.

The person I replaced held the job for 30+ years...there isn't a lot of turnover in the position that I'm in. The only reasons I would move again are:
1) If I was fired (unlikely, I hope!)
2) If one of the other 30 jobs in the world, closer to our hometown, became available (there is a chance this will happen - sooner or later)
3) If at the end of my contract my Wife has given it her best shot and we decide that it isn't working
4) If my Wife and I get out marriage back on track, start a family, and I realize that I don't want to be away from my Wife and child(ren) so much

I'm doing my best to try to understand what she's going through. I know she's lonely, which sucks! I have tried to help make it better and I have failed. The truth is, I didn't realize things were so bad. In hindsight, I should have tried harder. I've started to...I hope it's not too late.

I honestly don't know if it will ever be great for her here...but I am 100% sure that it can be better. I feel responsible for making it better, but she has to let me.

I know she really misses her family and friends. With that said, if she is willing to let me in, I think she would be a lot less lonely. She admits that she's put up a protective wall around her. I'm trying to get close to her, emotionally and physically, and she won't let me. I want to be her rock, her constant. I want her to know that I'm always there, even when I'm not there physically. I've tried and continue to try to facilitate introductions with people that I work with so that she has some friends and a support system here. I will literally do anything to make her happy here. If at the end of the day she tries and fails to be happy here at the end of my contract, we will have a decision to make together. I'm just asking her to give me a chance. I'm home all summer and I think that we could build our relationship and a social network before I start to travel again that would make year one easier / better than year two. I want her to be happy again - for her and for me!
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#11 ·
ahhh careers and wives. Both are overrated. Quit one and divorce the other.


On a serious note, Alberta is quite a miserable place. I have yet to meet an Ontarian who says good things about the oil patch areas. I honestly don't see how your wife could ever feel happy there.

I don't think moving back to Ontario is the answer though. Sounds like she married an image of you instead of YOU. That image is not materializing for her and she's eventually going to leave you, be it in Ontario or Alberta.
 
#12 ·
Hi Alte Dame,

I think you've hit the nail on the head. My Wife has told me that since she moved to Alberta for me, I should be willing to move back to Ontario for her. Unfortunately, it's not that simple. We both had good jobs in Ontario. We both have good jobs in Alberta (she has the same position with the same company, I work in the same industry at a higher level and earn twice what I was making). Finances are important to both of us, especially my Wife. For the first time in our relationship, we really don't have to worry about money. If we moved back to Ontario, she may be able to get transferred back (right now, it isn't an option). I would more than likely have to pursue another career. Finances would certainly be a huge issue...not that money is everything, because having money and a nice house and nice cars isn't making us happy right now.

I have spent A LOT of time reading articles and message boards the last few weeks searching for answers, advice etc. I've also spent a lot of time on the phone with counsellors, trying to figure out what all the issues are and what I can do to better myself and our marriage. The one thing that I keep hearing is that there has been a shift in the balance of power in our relationship. My wife always made more money than me, which I thought was great because it all went in the same pot! This year was the first that I made more money than her. She told me that bothered her, which at the time baffled me, but I kind of understand it now. Because my job makes me a public figure (not a politician), people at work are always asking her what I think of this or that. She doesn't seem to mind when she can use it to her advantage professionally, but personally I think it bothers her. She feels like she's not my equal even though that's certainly not the way I feel about her. I get why she would feel that way especially because we moved across the country for my career. The big question is - how do I make that up to her? Is the only way to give up my career and move back to Ontario? Right now, I just don't see how that would make things better for us. I have told her that I have not closed the door on someday loving back to Ontario. There are a number of scenarios where that could happen and we could both be happy...just not right now. I even suggested as a last resort that we could sell our big house and buy two smaller, less-expensive places - one in Alberta and one in Ontario. She could live on Ontario most of the year and visit me when I am working both in Alberta and when traveling, and I could return to Ontario for the summer. To be honest, I really don't like this idea...but I like it a hell of a lot better than losing my Wife! The way I see it, if we could get our marriage back to where it should be, where we should live might sort itself out one way or another.

The bottom line is I don't want to lose my wife. She means the world to me and everything else seems meaningless without her. I also don't want to give up my career and move back to Ontario and then lose my Wife anyway...I'm not sure how I would bounce back from that.

My Wife has told me that she feels like she's trapped and has lost control of her life. With her talking about divorce, I feel helpless, like there is nothing that I can do to make her happy. Truthfully, I'm not sure that agreeing to move back to Ontario would do the trick! Could this be a way for her to balance the power in our relationship?

I'm really hurting right now. I hate that she's so unhappy. I hate that she loves me but is no longer in love with me. I hate that I'm fighting so hard for us and she seems so indifferent about what happens (she suggested that her anxiety / depression medication may be partly to blame for her "coldness"). The thought of losing her tears me apart inside. I constantly want to break down and cry but I'm doing by best to hold it together so that I can think clearly, appear strong and work towards a solution.

Sometimes I think she wants me to either give her a really good reason to end the marriage or leave me twisting in the wind long enough that I get fed up and do it for her.

She has spent theast couple of nights in a hotel (with our dog). I miss them both and can't wait for them to come back tomorrow. I know that my dog will be happy to see me. I hope that my Wife is, too. I also hope that after spending a couple of days alone with her thoughts, that she chooses me and our marriage and not separation and divorce. Please cross your fingers for me and keep the feedback and advice coming...it is much appreciated!
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#13 ·
Synthetic,

We live between Calgary and Banff...one of the most beautiful places in the world. I have the same job that I did the day we met...just at a higher level now. For better or worse, I'm pretty much the same guy (although she's made me a better guy over the years), so I don't think she was fooled there.

I hope you're wrong about her divorcing me...but I fear that you're probably right. In the mean time, I'm going to keep trying to make her happy and remind her why she fell in love with me.
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#14 ·
All the elements are there CC. Forget the career for a second. You have an unhappy wife, a homesick wife, a wife who says she loves you but is not in love with you, you have a lonely wife and finally an absentee husband. All the ingredients for a walk away wife are there. You don't mention the frequency or quality of sex. Put all this in a big pot and stir it up and you get Meryl Streep leaving Dustin Hoffman.

You have some big and painful Kramer v. Kramer elements here.

You have a long difficult road to follow.
 
#15 ·
Hi I was at the exact same situation your wife is now at the same age. Only that husband and me moved across the world after our wedding for his new job which was what he had dreamt of doing - and I gave up my job as I couldn't find one from overseas but had hope to find a new one at our new destiny. It was very very VERY tough for me (not for my husband). We had already problems with my in laws and now I lost my family and friends circle which made me feel lost and because my husband liked the new place so much and I couldn't share this feeling at all I also built a wall around me for some time. Though I did try to let him in but I could not adjust to the new place at all. After six months of not being able to adjust husband gave me the choice of choosing to move back anytime. and he meant it - he was not blaming me or anything he just thought I would be happy here with him and he didn't think of how hard it will be for me. After that long talk I kind of had some relieve, I felt now I can CHOOSE to be here and this totally changed how I felt compared to before when I felt that I HAD to be here no matter what as if I had no other option. With this option husband showed me I am more important than his career and it did make a huge difference. I told myself to hang in there for another 6 months and see how it is going - I didn't have anything to lose. After another six months with much effort to find new friends and socialise I thought give it another year and now after almost three years I have a good circle of friends and a job I am happy in.

I believe that happiness is not connected to a specific city or country, one can find happiness in a small town or big city or hometown or anywhere - it just depends on how to manage it. To me London is my home, I didn't grow up there, my parents are not from London (not even uk originally) but the time I lived there I made it my home. You can make any place home.

I think your wife just needs to feel assured she actually comes before your career, maybe if she has that feeling you WOULD if she couldn't bear it any longer, move back with her without blaming her, maybe then she would see how much more important she is than this new job and maybe then she would try to make it work. But now she might feel trapped - if she stays she is unhappy and if she thinks about moving you would blame her for everything that comes with the move.
I do agree with you though that this job opportunity seems great and I would not want to lose it either. The only thing I would consider is how to spend more time with your wife once she gets pregnant and how to make her feel priority and respect her wishes.
 
#16 ·
I don't see how the job you describe is compatible with a family. As ele pointed out it seems worth it to you to be away from her for long periods of time, so perhaps your emotional needs are different. At this point your wife is a convenience to be enjoyed when you're not focused on work.

Your job isn't working for your marriage and isn't going to work for a family. Period. This happens. There was a time in my life where I thought I was going to work for SETI, if you don't know what that is Google it. But moving out there and hanging by the array all the time wouldn't be compatible with an family. And guess what? I got into my current career at 37, and it's going very well.

How are you going to start a family, when as ele pointed you won't be there most of the time and everything will fall to her? How is that fair?

Of course you think it's too soon, everything about this is working for you except am unhappy wife. If you'll resent her for giving up a job that's so obviously not good for a marriage and family then perhaps you either don't need to be married or you need someone who's ok existing for your work. That's not meant to be harsh, it's just that if you really understood how incompatible this is with family life you'd make the decision on your own, if family life is really what you wanted. The fact that you'd feel resentful tells me that family is not your priority.

As I said before that's ok, no crime in choosing your career. It just may mean that you can't have everything you want at the expense of your wife. Honestly, if she were here I'd tell her to cut her losses now before she has kids and find someone for whom family life is a priority.
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#17 ·
lifeistooshort,

With all due respect, you're pretty judgemental and harsh. I had the exact same job when we met - the only difference is that because I was at a lower level, I had additional responsibilities and made half the money. What has changed is that not when I'm traveling, my Wife doesn't have family and friends nearby to help fill the void. She never had a problem with me being away in Ontario...we would miss each other, of course, but it wasn't a problem. My Wife told me on Friday that if we were in Ontario, there is no way she would be thinking about leaving the marriage. We have our issues but other than being in Alberta, there are no major ones.

As for starting a family, who are you to tell me that isn't a priority for me?!?! Almost every single person that does the job that I do have a family. They make it work. Yes, Inwould be away more that I want to be and more than my Wife and child(ren) would want me to be during the winter...but I'm off all summer, so that would allows me to pick up some of the slack that my Wife has to pick up during the winter.

I came here to look for answers and to get advice and support...not to be judged. My Wife knew what I did for a living and what my career goals were literally from the first day that we met. I know that she made a huge sacrifice moving out here. If she will let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make that up to her. I'm not sure why you feel the need to be so nasty.
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#18 ·
Serena,

Thank you for sharing your story and offering some advice. The plan from the beginning was to try it here for three years (the length of my contract) and then go from there. If she is open to trying to make it work here for the next two years, I am open to potentially giving up my career if she's still miserable then.

I'm so happy to hear that things have worked out for you. You have given me some much-needed hope.
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#19 ·
I apologize if I come across nasty, I do tend to be blunt this way. It's really not my intent....If you knew my family you'd understand. Every now and again I wonder if I have a touch of Asperger's.....

Look, plenty of people make lots of things work but that doesn't mean many are happy and it doesn't mean everyone can. I'm ex military and while lots of people make military marriage work many can't and even with the ones who do many are unhappy. I've seen it first hand.

Your wife may well be one that can't do it. She's currently staying in a hotel, this suggests she may not be one of the ones who can "make this work". I know I wouldn't be able to, and I've been both a soldier and military wife so I've seen both sides of that.

Your being around during the summer isn't going to make up for the fact that you're gone half the year, it's going to interfere with your marital bond and already has. I get this isn't what you want to hear but it doesn't change anything. One of the issues that military families face with separations is that they essentially get used to being apart so it's very difficult to relearn to live together and they can't maintain that bond. Soldiers leave, family gets used to not having them there, soldier comes back, much time has to be spent trying to rebuild the bond and merging lives again, soldier leaves again. Happens all the time.....you're going to have a version of this if you don't already.


As far as the priorities, you said yourself you'd be resentful if you gave up this job. That does suggest it is your priority or the idea that you may have to give it up for her and said family wouldn't inspire resentment. Think about it.

But if you're really wiling to set a time table and then be open to giving it up maybe you can work something out with her. Hopefully by then you'll still have something left to work with.

I will leave now. Best of luck to you.
 
#20 ·
I'm not gone half the year. Even when I'm traveling, I'm still in Alberta an average of 20 days a month and 12 or 13 of those days are off days for me. I'm not in the military and gone for weeks or months at a time...I can't imagine how difficult that would be on everybody involved.
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#21 ·
No Husband is perfect (I'm certainly not). No Wife is perfect. No marriage is perfect. My Wife and I had a great three-hour discussion on Friday. We both agreed that there are a number of things that we can do individually and as a couple to make things better in Alberta. The question is - will that be good enough? We don't know the answer. I feel like we need to know the answer to that question. I am fully prepared to do everything that I can to be a better person and a better husband. If we both give it everything that we've got and it still doesn't work, then it's decision time. Move back to Ontario or stay in Alberta or separate. But in my opinion, we shouldn't walk away from each other unless we've truly given it everything that we have. If we do, I feel like we'll have huge regrets. The grass isn't always greener...
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#22 ·
When I was going through this, I hadn't left family and friends really. We weren't leaving 'home' to be in the new place; we had lived in other places, I was pretty independent from family and did most things on my own at that point. I had two babies at home and my career.

It was just that I really didn't want to be in that new culture and I felt trapped - trapped because I loved my H and wanted him to have opportunity, but really, very seriously, felt bad being in that place.

My H also travelled a lot and was super ambitious. I had a very good job. But I was internally angry, not just at my H, but at myself for having agreed to make the move. I felt unhappy, selfish, selfless, aggrieved, negative, overly critical, you name it. Mainly, I thought it was ludicrous that I was basically a very fortunate person who had much to be grateful for & here I was angry and moping all the time. Yet, I felt self-righteous at the same time.

It was my H's dream job as well. Ironically, the job he found when we left became his next dream job. And then we moved to where we are now for the next dream job.

My daughter recently went through a similar experience and I talked to her about the issue of control. She was given the opportunity to make her own choice after feeling forced to move. She made the choice to stay and her negative feelings lessened after that.

Perhaps you can tell your wife to honestly propose a solution. She should really think about it carefully. Tell her you are open to anything she proposes. Give her control of her own process. If she is open to it and proposes something thoughtful, you should consider it seriously.
 
#23 ·
She thought she could handle the move, but it wasn't what she expected. She wants to be supportive of you, but it's draining the life out of her. It's not her fault, it's not your fault, it's just the way things turned out despite both your plans and hopes. Something does have to change.

If your career has you travelling a LOT and only home for set periods of time even when you are in Alberta, why can't your home base be in Ontario, where your wife is happy, and you keep a tiny apartment, or room with a colleague, or just live in a hotel for those times when you do have to be in Alberta?

She could return to her friends, family, the branch of the company she liked better and be happy in Ontario during your absences. You could just fly in and out of wherever you need to be. From what you describe, it doesn't sound like it would be that much different for you, but it would make a world of difference to her. Especially if raising a family is going to be in your future!

You are a insert-rare-vocation-here, that's who you are. That's who she married. She shouldn't expect you to give that up, because you would just end up miserable because you aren't following your passion. But you can be thinking outside the box about how to maintain both career and marriage.
 
#24 ·
Hi Hopeful Cynic,

Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, that really isn't an option. For my job, I have no choice but to fly in and out of Alberta. I know that I'm being vague but I'm home more that I'm making clear. When I say I'm in Alberta, that means I'm home...but there are days when I have to go to work from early in the morning until late at night, so I only see my Wife at the start of the day and the end of the day.

As a last resort, I did suggest that we could sell our big house and buy two smaller ones - one in Ontario and one in Alberta. She could stay in Ontario and visit me in Alberta from time-to-time the months that I have to work. She could also meet me when I'm traveling for some "mini-vacations". When my work comes to an end in the spring, I could return to Ontario for the summer. She didn't like that idea. Believe me - I have been searching for potential solutions and middle ground. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find any yet.
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#25 ·
To my mind, your wife has a high degree of emotional dependency, which she apparently needs constantly re-enforced by family, co-workers and spouse, none of whom are much available in your current circumstance. This situation can only be rectified by her building a new life in Alberta, or by running home to her old life with the hope that it is still there. Either way, her situation is out of your control.

If it were me in your shoes, I would put my career first, and give the wife the freedom to choose what is best for her. Be prepared to lose her though - I'm not convinced that she has grown up.

Best
 
#26 ·
There is not time for you and your wife to meet each others needs with that kind of travel. Maybe if she traveled with you, or you took a job downgrade for the sake of your marriage. It sounds to me as though you have to choose between a family or a lucrative career. This situation cannot sustain itself without you two drifting apart, or even choosing someone else to meet your separate needs by slipping into an affair. I wish you luck!
 
#27 ·
Hi thinsection,

Thanks a lot for your reply. There is a history of mental health issues on both sides of my Wife's family. My Wife is a lot like her Dad. As a matter of fact, until his recent retirement, they both worked for the same company. He has had high anxiety and panic attacks at work. She has high anxiety (she is on depression medication) and had a panic attack at work a few weeks ago. Her Mom has really tried to support our marriage and encourage my Wife to "stick with it". Her Dad has done the opposite, telling her that she "deserves better / more", etc. I wish he'd stay out of it. I think he's being selfish because he wants his daughter to move back home.

I take a great deal of responsibility for the state of my marriage. I have a very demanding job for seven months a year (I'm off for most of the other five months). We moved away from her family and friends for my career. Even though I haven't been a bad husband, I haven't been a good enough one. I should have tried harder to make her happy here. I'm doing that now, and hope that it's not too late.

On Friday, my Wife and I had a really great and honest discussion. She admitted that the biggest reason why we are where we are is that she was not honest with herself, and in-turn me. While she was outwardly supportive of my career goals from day one, inwardly, she never believed that it would become a reality because there are only 30 jobs in the world. She has said that it's not that she thought that I wasn't good enough, she just thought that politics would get in the way. Until last summer, she was right.

She really tried to make it work here for a few months. She's since stopped trying. At the end of our discussion the other day, I asked her what her best-case scenario was. Her response was to find a way to make our marriage work. She said that she loves me. I believe her. The question is - does she love me enough to make sacrifices in other areas of her life, at least for a while? Well, she stayed in a hotel the last two nights. She did so for a couple of reasons. 1) My Dad was in town for a visit and there was a lot of tension between them
2) She wanted to spend some time alone with her thoughts so that she could figure out what is most important to her and what her limits are
I hope there isn't another reason (if you know what I mean). Even though I didn't like it at first, I gave her my blessing hoping that some time away would give her some clarity. My fear is that it will give her the clarity to leave me, but if that's what she wants, I can't stop her. She should be home in a couple of hours. My gut tells me that she's going to say that she can't do it anymore and that she wants to move back to Ontario ASAP. I hope my gut is wrong. It almost never is.
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#29 ·
Hi thinsection,

Thanks a lot for your reply. There is a history of mental health issues on both sides of my Wife's family. My Wife is a lot like her Dad. As a matter of fact, until his recent retirement, they both worked for the same company. He has had high anxiety and panic attacks at work. She has high anxiety (she is on depression medication) and had a panic attack at work a few weeks ago. Her Mom has really tried to support our marriage and encourage my Wife to "stick with it". Her Dad has done the opposite, telling her that she "deserves better / more", etc. I wish he'd stay out of it. I think he's being selfish because he wants his daughter to move back home.

I take a great deal of responsibility for the state of my marriage. I have a very demanding job for seven months a year (I'm off for most of the other five months). We moved away from her family and friends for my career. Even though I haven't been a bad husband, I haven't been a good enough one. I should have tried harder to make her happy here. I'm doing that now, and hope that it's not too late.

On Friday, my Wife and I had a really great and honest discussion. She admitted that the biggest reason why we are where we are is that she was not honest with herself, and in-turn me. While she was outwardly supportive of my career goals from day one, inwardly, she never believed that it would become a reality because there are only 30 jobs in the world. She has said that it's not that she thought that I wasn't good enough, she just thought that politics would get in the way. Until last summer, she was right.

She really tried to make it work here for a few months. She's since stopped trying. At the end of our discussion the other day, I asked her what her best-case scenario was. Her response was to find a way to make our marriage work. She said that she loves me. I believe her. The question is - does she love me enough to make sacrifices in other areas of her life, at least for a while? Well, she stayed in a hotel the last two nights. She did so for a couple of reasons. 1) My Dad was in town for a visit and there was a lot of tension between them
2) She wanted to spend some time alone with her thoughts so that she could figure out what is most important to her and what her limits are
I hope there isn't another reason (if you know what I mean). Even though I didn't like it at first, I gave her my blessing hoping that some time away would give her some clarity. My fear is that it will give her the clarity to leave me, but if that's what she wants, I can't stop her. She should be home in a couple of hours. My gut tells me that she's going to say that she can't do it anymore and that she wants to move back to Ontario ASAP. I hope my gut is wrong. It almost never is.
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If you're thinking she may be cheating, I see no red flags here. If she were cheating there'd be no question of her leaving her lover, she'd stay right where she is and spend every minute of your absence with him. She'd be thrilled that you're gone so much. I wouldn't even bother to investigate.
 
#28 ·
>to "stick with it". Her Dad has done the opposite, telling her that she "deserves better / more", etc. I wish he'd stay out of it. I think he's being selfish because he wants his daughter to move back home.

Classic co-dependency. Not a terrible thing, but difficult to solve using Skype. This is really the root of the problem.

>husband, I haven't been a good enough one. I should have tried harder to make her happy here. I'm doing that now, and hope that it's not too late.

Not your job. It's never a good plan to turn your spouse into a project. While it's important to be accessible and available, in the end only you can make yourself happy.

>can't stop her. She should be home in a couple of hours. My gut tells me that she's going to say that she can't do it anymore and that she wants to move back to Ontario ASAP. I hope my gut is wrong. It almost never is.

That wouldn't be a terrible thing. It may not turn out the way she imagines, however. I know a couple that lives across the continent from each other, that fly to meet up a couple of weekends a month. It wouldn't work if there were kids involved, but it is quite doable otherwise. It required two independent minded people however :)

I've known couples that have moved to Alberta, and couples that have moved here from Alberta, and they report that the transition is difficult, but manageable if one puts in the effort (all have remained in their "new" homes for the time being).

Best
 
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