Halien

Yes, it is full of sarcasm and rudeness because in most cases like this, the person will go through full lengths of self-justification before doing this anyway. Look at my history here - I welcome you to. I don't respond in knee jerk reactions except when a poster is thinking with his other head and trying to pass it off as logic. Some are trying to suggest that this is about the pros and cons of threesomes, but it is not.

From your tone of linking this to a nurturing type of love, it seems pretty obvious that you really believe that she is not in any sort of vulnerable position. If you really cared for her in a real way, you would help her get into a place of complete independence, and then ask her the same question. Simple as that. When we are in a position that may be perceived later as unwelcome, most will naturally default to a safe place, and remove the negative connotations, instead of coming to a relationship forum. But if you skip that normal step, then the women on that forum almost unanimously tell you that it is a bad idea, then they will retreat to this safe place (removing the possiblility of unhealthy pressure).

See, people who ultimately find contentment with sharing others usually go through a mental process to make sure that their actions are not hurting or taking advantage of another, who may be in a vulnerable position.

Halien

As a certified corporate 6 Sigma Black Belt who has led projects yeilding a net savings of $25 million in green dollars through cross cultural collaboration, and a former member of MENSA, I think I would argue that you are just more subtle in masking your own brand of condescension. Some of us don't bother masking it. In simple logic terms, which someone of your self-proclaimed caliber would have covered in 2nd year boolean algebra, the message offends you, so you consider it logical to ignore it? This must've been on the extra credit part of the course.

Neutral

Okay, but I don't see how that justifies the need to be sarcastic and rude -- I can see why you'd want to be especially direct, but that's a completely different thing. And at any rate, I assure you, I'm not here to justify anything -- to myself or to you all. I wouldn't come on here to waste time with that; I wanted actual advice.

So, you're saying that the fact that she's living in our home is the real issue here? That it puts her in a vulnerable position, which makes it impossible for this to be a decision made without any strings attached? I want to make sure I'm understanding you right -- frankly, I hadn't really thought about it that way before this thread, and I'm interested in what you're saying.

Neutral

Dude, please don't start pulling out qualifications and awards as an attempt to justify flaming someone on the Internet. C'mon.

My post above wasn't an attack against you. It was simply an explanation of why I don't take posts with flames seriously. And yes, the shoe certainly fit your first post in this thread, but I'd like to think we've moved past that. I'm not asking for apologies, I'd just like to get back to discussing my situation in a polite and civil manner. You've made some intriguing points above and I'd like to hear more of your thoughts.

uhaul4mybaggage

Some more random thoughts to consider:

She may have an STD

And, if she was a childhood victim of sexual abuse, her ability to recognize that this is a boundary violation would be severely compromised. Though, one could argue that in this arrangement of power, with you controlling the roof over her head and her only being 19, perhaps this could become child sexual abuse in its own right.

Step back and help her gain a sense of independence, responsibility, self respect. And keep your own self respect at the same time.

Trenton

Neutral...why do you keep calling the 19 year old by name? Send Dawn over to my house. My husband and I wouldn't consider snuggling with her or talking to her about fulfilling all of our inappropriate sexual desires. We'd provide a safe home until she got the energy, experience and finances she needs to grow up successfully. The fact that she's dependent on you for a home tells you something about her maturity. The fact that you and your wife are considering having sex with her tells you something about yours.

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Jellybeans

Ah, the word 'friend'.... from your thread title and elsewhere. I will put this to you in layman's terms: you can't f-ck your 'friends.' Once you and your wife have sex with someone...that person is no longer a 'friend,' your marriage will never be monogamous again, and the dynamic of all of your relationships will change forever. 'Dawn' may seem mature but at the end of the day she's still 19. If you do this, you will open Pandora's box. And the thing about opening Pandora's box is that once you open it--you can never shut it again.
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uhaul4mybaggage

Ever seen the bumper sticker:
"Gas, grass, or a$$, no one rides for free."

Here's the thing: what is it REALLY costing her to stay in your guest room?

827Aug

Enough already.....