General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I think that these posts are enormously helpful and really make me see the outside world's opinion. I was in therapy again today and my husband was cornered. It was interesting. The incident where he "accidentally" kicked our son came up. The therapist asked him what happened. He told a completely different version. He still claimed he had a reflex but said it involved "horse play". Before he said he was stretching (which he was) when it happened.
When the therapist asked him why he changed his story, he said it wasn't a big deal. She said it is a big deal. Your son was hurt. He said but how it happened was s reflex ... It doesn't really matter what i was doing before i get hit in the groin. She finally saw my issue with him.
I also learned today that i am acting out what my own parents did to me. I was raped repeatedly when i was 14 by a family friend. I tried telling them indirectly but i was scared. The man threatened to kill my family if i directly told. It's complicated. But i recognized that i was blaming my parents for not seeing what was happening right under their nose. Today i realized that i may be doing the exact same thing with my husband. Believing his stories instead of trusting my gut.
I am struggling today because this is a lot to take in
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamara24
I think once you leave you will breathe a sigh of relief. He is definitley a manipulator and probably hhas some mental issues. There is no reason why your having a discussion about leaving the door open. I live in a place whhere roaches are part of the environment and they don't try to come into screens. In fact, most roaches that do get into houses end up there by mistake and are just as unhappy about being there as you are of seeing them there!
The inconsistanceys should point out to you that he is manipulating and I agree with the person that he has hit pay dirt with the therapist. You will always be the villian. Why is it that you have to respect his wishes but he ignores yours when you ask him not to borrow money?
You are thirty something years old and have a child. Get on with your life. You are still young enough to start over and there is somebody out there that won't treat you this way. I would make sure there are some safeguards about visitations with the son. Consult an attorney. You make enough money to support yourself. Right now, you are prolonging your misery. Honey, go be happy! Posted via Mobile Device
Your parents sound like Narcissists. What kind of parents laugh about their own daughter's admission that she was sexually abused by a family friend? People who lack empathy.
Your husband also sounds like a sicko, in the same vein as your parents. Do you think your husband could be a Narcissists, too? Does he refuse to accept responsibility for things he does? Is everything all about him? Ask your therapist if she thinks he has a personality disorder. If he does, it is very unlikely he can change.
I think you don't feel empahty for your husband because he's been abusive and you are pissed off that he's hurt you and your son.
You grew up with parents who didn't protect you and who did not honor your reality. No wonder you can't figure out if your husband's behavior is normal or not. You don't trust your intuition. I'm glad you are in therapy.
You are so used to being abused that it seems normal to you now. What I mean by that is, your definition of abuse has been skewed so that when lesser forms of abuse happen you don't really recognize it right away as abuse and don't trust your instincts when something doesn't feel right. I know because I'm living that as well.
I'm sorry you are also struggling "stillme4you".... i really know this is hard. You and the rest here have helped me open my eyes to reality. I hope you are finding strength, as well.
My DH has many narcissistic tendencies, but i don't know if that defines him. My therapist thinks he has some type of mental disorder, but she is hesitant to say without seeing him. Of course she only knows him through me.
But i do believe he could be a narcissist. Let me ask this... So he kicks our son in the ribcage. Say it was no reflex... It was reckless. Well, he's now fully aware that i won't tolerate that behavior anymore... Along with his roadrage... Chasing a driver with us in the car. Well, now that he's on good behavior... Is it possible he won't portray that behavior anymore? If your spouse did that to your child would you stay in the marriage if they got help?
Here are the problems i still see. He refuses to share with me ... What happens i'n his therapy, because he believes my questions are "controlling". As if he has to answer to me. (i said had you not had cps at the door that wouldn't be the case but times have changed!).
Also, the situation with the darn door shows that even in therapy... He still is somewhat unsympathetic to my needs. And let's not forget... The fact that i really have so much resentment for him and have no desire to even touch him.
Bottom line, i am trying to feel ok about leaving... Despite the fact that he is in therapy and appears to be trying. He definitely won't be aggressive with our son anymore.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillme4you
You are so used to being abused that it seems normal to you now. What I mean by that is, your definition of abuse has been skewed so that when lesser forms of abuse happen you don't really recognize it right away as abuse and don't trust your instincts when something doesn't feel right. I know because I'm living that as well.
You are caught in the classic co-dependent trap of holding out hope on someone who has shown you time and again who they are. It seems like he substitutes one bad behavior for another.
He is a manipulator and a liar. That sounds like a narcissist to me. And you have to understand that there are some people in the world, including Narcissists, sociopaths, etc. who do not have the capacity and/or ability to change.....even if they wanted to. That is part of the disorder - inability to be empathetic, to have self-awareness, or to see other people's needs and experience.
Your husband is lying to his therapist. How can therapy ultimately be successful when he's doing this? He cannot or will not face up to the fact that he wanted to hurt his son. He is lying about it, which makes it impossible to get in touch with the real issue. Do you see what I mean? His fragile ego cannot handle truly acknowledging that he purposely hurt your son and withouth that, there will be no healing.
I agree with the other poster. You have gotten so used to being abused that you think that your husband's behavior falls into the realm of normal or acceptable. It doesn't. Your parents also sound sick and awful. Again, I'm sure they don't mean to be terrible, but they obviously have serious limitations. It is hard to come to terms with this. I would highly recommend find the website "Adult Children of Narcissists". It is a Yahoo usergroup. It is a wonderfully supportive (way more than this site) group and they can give you some insights and suggestions for getting out.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. It is a lot to process. You should know that you can get to a place where you break free from this abuse in your life. But you have to learn to see it's not normal and you have to believe that you deserve better. You do, and your son does.
You don't owe your husband anything. You only owe your son a safe and loving environment and you owe yourself a life free from people who can't or won't support you. Living a life trying to please your parents or your husband is a life wasted. If they are what I think they are, they do not have the capacity to care about you the way you deserve. You will be a hampster on a treadmill for the rest of your life.
You may feel like you are defective in some way, or that you are somehow to blame for all that has happened to you. You have probably been working SO HARD your entire life just to feel okay. I'm here to say that you don't have to work so hard. You are okay as you are. You are not to blame for your parent's, neighbor's, or husband's abuse. Accept this. Trust in it.
Your true self - the strong, independent, good and loving person that you are is struggling to come out. I can tell by reading your posts. You are on the brink of seeing life in a new way. Keep working with your therapist to allow it to happen. You will be thrilled and amazed that life is better than you thought. You just have to get out of the box you are in to see it.
I know you are hurt. But the reason your husband has these issues is probably because of things that happened growing up that influence his behavior.
I'll give you a simple example. A friend of mine told me that when she was young, kids in school would call her ugly (they actually used a horrible description that I won't repeat here). In any case, she grows up to be an attractive well put together lady. But no matter how many compliments she gets, she can't see herself as anything but ugly.
All these poor behaviors now, are just his way of reacting to hurts, disappointments, etc that he experienced as a child and he is trying to find this way of dealing with it. I am sure that you have developed your own defense mechanism to deal with the abuses you have had as a child. It might not manifest itself in such a destructive way, but I bet it is there. For example: your willingness to stay in this relationship. If you are not trapped there for financial reasons then a healthy person would definitely leave.
My goodness! There are some things here that are SPOT on. The young woman who was called ugly as a child and turned out quite beautiful but can't SEE it. That is me. And my DH spent years telling me i was beautiful but suggesting different clothes and plastic surgery. So now i am very screwed up.
And this : ""You may feel like you are defective in some way, or that you are somehow to blame for all that has happened to you. You have probably been working SO HARD your entire life just to feel okay. I'm here to say that you don't have to work so hard. You are okay as you are. You are not to blame for your parent's, neighbor's, or husband's abuse. Accept this. Trust in it.""
I definitely feel defective. Why is that? I recognize parts of it. I think the rape made a big impact there. But i am still trying to understand why i feel so "different" from others. My parents were fools in constantly telling us and themselves that we were so much better than our "scum" neighbors and friends. But i could always secretly see that those people really had nice lives and my parents were just doing that to make themselves feel better. So i grew up feeling embarrassed to be around them and never ever ever good enough for anyone.
And yes i definitely have had more than enough of my own problems that impact me to this day. I truly believe that's why i married my husband to begin with.
Wow. I am learning so much this weekend...
I am sick to my stomach when i look at my DH Now. I am sure it's overcompensation from my own childhood now that i realize that i was the one who was acting like my parents... and making excuses for the abuse that was happening right under my nose.
know you are hurt. But the reason your husband has these issues is probably because of things that happened growing up that influence his behavior.
I'll give you a simple example. A friend of mine told me that when she was young, kids in school would call her ugly (they actually used a horrible description that I won't repeat here). In any case, she grows up to be an attractive well put together lady. But no matter how many compliments she gets, she can't see herself as anything but ugly.
All these poor behaviors now, are just his way of reacting to hurts, disappointments, etc that he experienced as a child and he is trying to find this way of dealing with it. I am sure that you have developed your own defense mechanism to deal with the abuses you have had as a child. It might not manifest itself in such a destructive way, but I bet it is there. For example: your willingness to stay in this relationship. If you are not trapped there for financial reasons then a healthy person would definitely leave.[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
My goodness! There are some things here that are SPOT on. The young woman who was called ugly as a child and turned out quite beautiful but can't SEE it. That is me. And my DH spent years telling me i was beautiful but suggesting different clothes and plastic surgery. So now i am very screwed up.
And this : ""You may feel like you are defective in some way, or that you are somehow to blame for all that has happened to you. You have probably been working SO HARD your entire life just to feel okay. I'm here to say that you don't have to work so hard. You are okay as you are. You are not to blame for your parent's, neighbor's, or husband's abuse. Accept this. Trust in it.""
I definitely feel defective. Why is that? I recognize parts of it. I think the rape made a big impact there. But i am still trying to understand why i feel so "different" from others. My parents were fools in constantly telling us and themselves that we were so much better than our "scum" neighbors and friends. But i could always secretly see that those people really had nice lives and my parents were just doing that to make themselves feel better. So i grew up feeling embarrassed to be around them and never ever ever good enough for anyone.
And yes i definitely have had more than enough of my own problems that impact me to this day. I truly believe that's why i married my husband to begin with.
Wow. I am learning so much this weekend...
I am sick to my stomach when i look at my DH Now. I am sure it's overcompensation from my own childhood now that i realize that i was the one who was acting like my parents... and making excuses for the abuse that was happening right under my nose.
know you are hurt. But the reason your husband has these issues is probably because of things that happened growing up that influence his behavior.
I'll give you a simple example. A friend of mine told me that when she was young, kids in school would call her ugly (they actually used a horrible description that I won't repeat here). In any case, she grows up to be an attractive well put together lady. But no matter how many compliments she gets, she can't see herself as anything but ugly.
All these poor behaviors now, are just his way of reacting to hurts, disappointments, etc that he experienced as a child and he is trying to find this way of dealing with it. I am sure that you have developed your own defense mechanism to deal with the abuses you have had as a child. It might not manifest itself in such a destructive way, but I bet it is there. For example: your willingness to stay in this relationship. If you are not trapped there for financial reasons then a healthy person would definitely leave.
Posted via Mobile Device[/QUOTE]
I'm so glad you posted here and are starting to feel some hope. Be prepared to go back and forth a few times and feel some hope because of some insignificant action on his part.
Think of it as:
Say my H cooks me supper and it's something he does two, three times a week. It's nice and appreciated.
Say your H has never even brought you a cracker and decides to pour you a bowl of cereal. You're over the top at how considerate he is - totally awesome - cool guy.
Because in your reality, that is way cool.
You're worth more than that bowl of cereal. Posted via Mobile Device
Omg. Do you know how timely your post is?
My DH is definitely on good behavior. And he woke up this morning asking if he could make me an omelette after mass. Just as i turned my phone on and saw this he started asking again if he could make this omelette. Just completely him trying to please me right Now. He grabbed my hand i'n church and i wanted to push it away. Ugh.
Quote:
Originally Posted by golfergirl
Posted via Mobile Device
I'm so glad you posted here and are starting to feel some hope. Be prepared to go back and forth a few times and feel some hope because of some insignificant action on his part.
Think of it as:
Say my H cooks me supper and it's something he does two, three times a week. It's nice and appreciated.
Say your H has never even brought you a cracker and decides to pour you a bowl of cereal. You're over the top at how considerate he is - totally awesome - cool guy.
Because in your reality, that is way cool.
You're worth more than that bowl of cereal. Posted via Mobile Device[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
You feel defective because your parents did NOT give you unconditional love. My guess is that they were highly critical, self-absorbed people. When you are a child, you make sense of this by believing something is wrong with YOU to make them not love you unconditionally. That stays with you. It take a lot of work to think in a new way. But the good news is that it IS possible to break free from it.
They were highly critical. They would compliment but it seemed like I was never quite good enough. In fact my mom and sister would team up to make fun of me and giggle and giggle.
They still do that quietly. They will gossip and say that i look older than my age and i got my dad's features.
It's tough. I hear their voices quite often in my head.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laurae1967
You feel defective because your parents did NOT give you unconditional love. My guess is that they were highly critical, self-absorbed people. When you are a child, you make sense of this by believing something is wrong with YOU to make them not love you unconditionally. That stays with you. It take a lot of work to think in a new way. But the good news is that it IS possible to break free from it.
Hi everyone. I just wanted to ask for support/guidance again. I asked my dh for a separation but agreed to continue going to therapy. He said he would need to run it past our couples therapist before agreeing to it. So he said he'd make an appointment. He still hasn't.
He did go to HIS therapist today. He came back with an Anger 101 book. I asked what it was? He said his therapist does not think he is a rage a holic but he offered to read it to see what he thought of it.
He's acting like nothing had happened. Giving me hugs saying he loves me etc etc.
I always lose the guts to leave or kick him out when he's on good behavior. And here we are again. Since he's going to therapy ... Should i see how this plays out?
He still maintains he has no anger issue.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laurae1967
You feel defective because your parents did NOT give you unconditional love. My guess is that they were highly critical, self-absorbed people. When you are a child, you make sense of this by believing something is wrong with YOU to make them not love you unconditionally. That stays with you. It take a lot of work to think in a new way. But the good news is that it IS possible to break free from it.
Hi everyone. I just wanted to ask for support/guidance again. I asked my dh for a separation but agreed to continue going to therapy. He said he would need to run it past our couples therapist before agreeing to it. So he said he'd make an appointment. He still hasn't.
He did go to HIS therapist today. He came back with an Anger 101 book. I asked what it was? He said his therapist does not think he is a rage a holic but he offered to read it to see what he thought of it.
He's acting like nothing had happened. Giving me hugs saying he loves me etc etc.
I always lose the guts to leave or kick him out when he's on good behavior. And here we are again. Since he's going to therapy ... Should i see how this plays out?
He still maintains he has no anger issue.
Posted via Mobile Device
None of that matters. If you're done - doesn't matter rage issues or not. If he won't leave then if possible, you go. Posted via Mobile Device
I know objectively... That you are right. But I struggle with strength when i regain hope in him. It's so painful to think of being alone, divorced and without the ability to have more children. Frankly i can feel the anxiety just typing that. It's such fear...
Quote:
Originally Posted by golfergirl
None of that matters. If you're done - doesn't matter rage issues or not. If he won't leave then if possible, you go. Posted via Mobile Device
I know objectively... That you are right. But I struggle with strength when i regain hope in him. It's so painful to think of being alone, divorced and without the ability to have more children. Frankly i can feel the anxiety just typing that. It's such fear...
Posted via Mobile Device
You're talking to woman who had babies at 39 and 42, so don't lose hope on that! Do it with right man though! Posted via Mobile Device
