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Disturbing couples therapy session

6K views 74 replies 17 participants last post by  golfergirl 
#1 ·
I have had a very troubled marriage. I have been advised to leave many times. Instead I got my DH to therapy. He's going to individual counseling and so am I... we are also seeing a couples therapist.

So far - I have been stunned. I just want someone to tell me their reaction to this. Last night, the entire session my 38 year old husband cried about remembering an incident in kindergarden when he wet his pants in class. He sobbed - saying he could smell the urine as if he were still there. He said it was an incident he hadn't recalled in years and years - but it brings him to tears. When I asked "why" this was so disturbing to him - the therapist jumped in and said that "why" questions are controling and judgemental and I wasn't allowed to cross that "boundary". So I had to repeat what he was saying to me. "you are telling me that it's very disturbing to you that you wet your pants in kindergarden" You are saying this makes you feel vulerable. You are saying that you don't understand how this effects you so deeply - but it does.

He ended the session by saying he was so happy to let me see this vulnerable side to him - as he cried over this incident of wetting his pants in kindergarden. Seriously, I may be heartless - but I felt NO empathy for him. I felt pity. I felt like I was on candid camera. At one point I had to fake cough because I felt it was absolutely so ridiculous. I have been through so many tough times in my life and childhood. To sit around (at 150 an hour) and cry about wetting my pants in kindergarden sounds insane to me.

Am I wrong? Should I be more compassionate? I just don't feel anything but shock and the REAL NEED to run from this marriage. I feel like my husband is emotionally a :sleeping:child.
 
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#2 ·
That sounds like it was a good session. Your husband trusted you. Stay with it if you love him and want it to work. You might have some moments like that, what will you want from him?
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#50 ·
We DO?!?

I am not criticizing OP's husband. Processing and ditching emotional baggage from childhood is called growing up. That he is doing it at 30 something is perfectly normal. But growing up involves losing the vulnerability of childhood and becoming self sufficient, emotionally mature.

Sadly, many people never get there.
 
#4 ·
Your husband opened up in therapy, took a risk, told you one of his deepest fears, and tried to grow. He chose to let you in on something about him that was obvious very hard for him to admit and convey.

Up to you whether you want to grow with him. When it's your turn to be the troubled one, you can only hope he will not judge your demons from the past like you are doing here.
 
#5 ·
Thanks for your insight. I think my problem is that he has done so much to hurt me over the past year -- he forced me to tell my parents that I was raped as a teenager (even though I told him I did not want to) ... he told my mother that he thought i was cheating on him (i wasn't and they aren't even close). Those 2 things made my parents disown me and my dad died just weeks after that happened and I never got to set the record straight with him because my husband chose to sabatoge me.

I just have a hard time sitting there listening to him cry over wetting his pants when I have had to deal with the death of my dad and being told I wasn't welcome at his funeral because my DH manipulated me. I am so resentful...that maybe this is a sign that I have no compassion left for him ....after being hurt so badly.
 
#9 ·
I think this says more about you and your current frame of mind than anything else. I think you need to heal a bit and deal with your hurts before having compassion for your husband.
I do have to say I'm kind of cold like you. So many people come through horrible childhood tragedies like abuse, neglect etc., that I probably too would think, 'you gotta be f'ing kidding me!'. I would have to remove MYSELF from the situation and realize what hurts other doesn't necessarily hurt me. As far as your situation, why did he force you to tell parents about the raping?
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#7 ·
You have certainly been through a lot... but really, he can't "force" you to tell your parents something if you have appropriate boundaries, he didn't disown you, and he is not responsible for your dad dying. The cheating accusation is a bit over the top IMO, but people react irrationally if they believe they are being cheated on or if the marriage is in danger. That seems something that is forgivable over time, at least to me.

Maybe it would be better to continue your IC and work on yourself a bit for a while. And yes, you should go if you really think you are checked out.
 
#8 ·
Boy, maybe I am a cold hearted person. I just saw this whole thing as odd. He's obviously trying to do some work in therapy and I can't understand him. Is it too late? Will I ever come around? I don't know.... i'm not purposely stringing him along. I am just hoping that there will be a time where I will understand that we can make it work. But, maybe it's not possible.

No I'm not empathetic to someone who kicked our son in the rib cage - had CPS investigate - among other things. I just don't know how to feel sorry for him on something so common in childhood.
 
#11 ·
No I'm not empathetic to someone who kicked our son in the rib cage - had CPS investigate - among other things. I just don't know how to feel sorry for him on something so common in childhood.
Then why are you still with him? Why subject your son to that kind of abuse? It makes you the enabler. And it makes your son an innocent victim.



 
#10 ·
Well, he told my mom he thought I was cheating on him. She was visiting. So, when he finally pulled me in the bedroom to confront me - I told him he was flat out wrong. He said well then you need to go out there and explain this to your mother because I told her. I freaked out. I asked why. He said he had no one else to talk to. I said you could have talked to ME! He said he was too upset. (Even though he just came back from grocery shopping). Well, when I went out there he said if you don't talk to her about it - then I think we should talk to her about everything you've hidden from her. I told him over and over - over the years that since my abuser was a close friend of theirs...I could NEVER tell them because they would never believe me. He knew this. I told him this again -- but when we sat down at the table he said "she has something to tell you, Mom". And I told her that I did not cheat on him - that he was panicing...etc. He said that's not all -- tell her about "the man's name". Instantly my mom said WHAT? WHAT. Yes I guess I should have..and could have ..said No and walked away. But I felt like my mom wouldn't have believed me about not cheating - if I didn't tell her about my abuse.

From there - my mom definitely went into denial. She called my dad and told him - and was laughing on the phone about how crazy I had become. I instantly became a liar - cheater - and she even suggested that my son shouldn't be around me. My DH did nothing to help me at this point.
 
#12 ·
This whole thread is confusing to me.

OP - I can't tell if you are airing all kinds of laundry until enough people validate the decision to leave, or if you are in a much more seriously abusive situation than you realize.

Keep working on you and keep posting - wish you the best.
 
#13 ·
OP - I can't tell if you are airing all kinds of laundry until enough people validate the decision to leave,.
That's how I was reading it and still am.

Then she mentioned her husband harmed her son. I have zero empathy for someone who stands by idly letting their child be abused. It's sickening to me. I feel bad for the child who can't defend themself.



 
#15 ·
Well, just like the situation I presented here about his pants wetting accident--I was unsure if I was overreacting.

He said that it was a "relex" because it happened after my DH was accidently hit in the groin by our son. My son (4 at the time) was crawling around on the couch and got my DH in the groin. My DH said he had a "reflex" and he kicked our son in the ribcage. My son couldn't breathe. He had the wind knocked out of him. I picked him up and carried him out of the room - and my DH did NOT run over and see if everything was ok. He just said "that's why you don't step on daddy".

The therapist bought the "reflex" story. But I didn't know what to think. I've seen my DH push my son back when getting his foot stepped on accidentally before...but never that aggressively. I always spotted that anger on his face though...

Since the therapy began ...I have seen a noticable change in my DH. He is very very careful. He is obviously scared of me now....considering I raised such an issue about it and that CPS came out. But, CPS just said don't let it happen again...and did nothing else.

I obviously was left confused. Was it on purpose? Therapist saw how it could be a reflex. He has gone to therapy and I have seem all aggressive behavior come to a hault.

What would you do...? You see why I have been trying to have hope - since he is embracing therapy?
 
#16 ·
I have two small children and my husband gets kneed, kicked and punched down there all of the time. He has never reacted in a way to hurt the children. I will admit that I usually remove them from him so they don't make it worse, but he usually just clams up in a protective fetal position for a minute while I laugh about it.

I will admit that people react differently to pain and I don't know how a man feels when he gets injured in that area, but I do believe that restraint from hurting innocent children can be obtained even in pain. It does bother me that he didn't get upset with himself for hurting his child it was indeed a reflex reaction.

Would it be possible for you to see your own therapist since this one does not seem to be helping you at all?
 
#17 ·
I am actually seeing my own therapist. In fact I am going today. She just keeps saying that I need to figure out what it's going to take to get me to leave...

She didn't think this "reflex" should cause him to hurt our son. She encouraged me to call CPS. Then a couple of months ago - he started having road rage in the car with me and our son in the backseat. He started chasing someone who wouldn't let him merge. It lasted over a minute until I got him to finally stop chasing.. that's what prompted this last chance from me. I said - either get help - or we are gone. So he is getting help.... but our couples therapist said NOTHING to him about that incident. She just took notes.
 
#18 ·
Perhaps you should come out with everything instead of trickle-truth. That way people won't fall into a trap with their advice.
So basically, your husband was trying to work on himself in therapy, and instead of trying to help the situation, you rolled your eyes and acted like a snot.
I have been through that behavior before and it frankly pisses me off. Like when I am spurting blood from a wound and someone says "Jeez ya wuss, that's only going to be 30 stitches". Well thanks for the empathy...NOT.
 
#19 ·
maybe you are right. I just don't see it that way - a snot? I really just felt like this was childhood incident was the least of our problems. I definitely did not roll my eyes. I acted the empathetic part. But I came here to voice my feelings. I'm sorry if I am lacking the right compassion. Clearly there's a lot of water under the bridge.
 
#21 ·
I apologize for the comment. it sort of provoked memories from when I was younger. I remember getting assaulted once, and in defending myself, I broke my hand on the other guy's face. When I got home, I was screamed at for getting into a fight, and it took 2 hours and a temper tantrum to get my parents to take me to the doctor because mo mother thought I was a ***** and I couldn't possibly have an injury. This has been a recurring theme in my life regarding physical and emotional hurts. I tend to keep things to myself now, because I really don't dig getting mocked over pain. I have been stabbed, beaten and sexually and emotionally abused and I feel I am strong enough to handle it, but one of the few buttons to push that can get my visibly upset is getting mocked over something painful.
 
#20 ·
FT, if it makes you feel better I agree with you. I am of the "just get over it" personality type. People sometimes tell me i can be cold, but i see it as dealing with life without whining about every bad thing that happens.

You have a very complicated situation, to which i can only say "good luck".

I just wanted to jump in and say that it isnt wrong that you dont empathise, you just deal with things in a different way, therefore are finding it hard to see where he is coming from.

Your
 
#24 ·
Well, thank you again for understanding. I definitely have a very complicated situation. I actually posted awhile back under a different name and I couldn't find my log in - so this account is only a few months old. Would it be ok if I did a longer summary of all that I've been through with my DH to get your perspectives? As one poster here said - there's a lot of smart people here and I really would love to hear how they would react to my situation. I am always someone who questions themselves. To a fault actually - so I would really appreciate some of your insight. Please understand this is difficult.
 
#25 ·
He could very well be manipulating the couples therapist---I have seen that happen in my own marriage, it's extremely frustrating.
You're in individual counseling.
HE also should be.
He has anger and impulse control issues. Definitely good that he's seeking help.
But it might help more if he does so in an individual setting, not MC.
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#28 ·
Well, instead of being all wierded out by him being so emotional over a typical childhood incident, you could swallow your disgust, and muster up enough compassion to say, "Hon, don't you know that a lot of kids do that? That's nothing to feel this ashamed about. That is totally normal for a child to do." and that way you kindly show him that he is making a mountain out of a mole-hill...but seriously, aside from that. Kicking your kid in the ribs? That is something to focus on right there.
 
#29 ·
Ok. How about looking at it this way? Since you would not be affected by something like he described, perhaps you should take his torment over it at face value and think about something that caused you great embarrassment? It is often difficult to shift perspectives to look at a situation from another's view.
Also, the dog incident happened when? Was it a number of years ago? Is it a recurring topic when there is an argument that puts him automatically on the defensive?
 
#30 ·
You need to leave. First, as a person who was abused in childhood and couldn't tell, NO ONE has a right to tell you that you have to let that secret out. You will hold the resentment for him for hurting not only you, but something that hurt your parents and caused them to disown you. I am sure you are deeply hurt that they did not believe you, but they did not have enough time to process the information that was given to them before your father passed and you feel the void from that. He was totally out of line for bringing that up.

As far as your child is concerned, you are his advocate. You were there and it does not sound like you believe it to be a reflex at all. It concerned you so much that you called CPS. What does that say to you?

Finally, if this is what made your husband feel better in therapy,kudos to him. But like you, I am thinking you are kidding me??? You have a history of abuse, he falsely believes your cheating on him, doesn't sound as if he has any friends and his biggest trauma is he peed his pants in kindergarten?? I am afraid I would have walked out and told the therapist why I wasn't paying for that session!
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#31 ·
I may be cold hearted too, but I wouldn't empathize either. I didn't empathize with him by just reading your first post, and after reading what an a$$ he is, I def. don't empathize with him.

He is a manipulator and is manipulating the therapist. Believe me, I have lived with a manipulator for over 13yrs now and they know how to read people and adjust their attitudes accordingly (they can do this even only knowing the person for a short period of time).

You are justified in thinking...puhleeeze get over it already!
 
#33 ·
Maybe I'm cold-hearted beeyotch too but I can think of my most embarassing incident from childhood or the birthday party I wasn't invited to and I'm over it! Ask me about the time my son skinned his knee and I tear up. But that's him not me. But unless there's more - to have him tear up over that but not over your son shows some mental disorder. I think you've had a tough life and sometimes when you are living in the crap you don't realize how off things are until someone points it out to you. What he's doing to your son is wrong. Can you remove yourself from the situation for few weeks to get new perspective what life is like not around him? I believe he knew what he was doing with your mom and purpose was to alienate her from your life and erode your support system.
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#32 ·
Also, my man tried to tell my family of 'things' he perceived me to be doing behind his back. One of my sisters is easily manipulated, and he figured this would be the case for my other sister and my mother...he was wrong. My mother is excellent in pointing out manipulations and basically told him to take his BS elsewhere. My mom taught me about manipulators since she was married to one. Funny how i ended up with one...go figure!

Your H succeeded in his mission to separate you from your parents. He is doing the same with your MC, painting you as the 'evil' one. He is toxic to you (and child)...let him go.

wishing you the best
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#34 ·
You could be right. But what if he is being honest? It is possible. It appeared to be real tears. Maybe for him .. It was real. Maybe that was his selfish way of finding emotion i'n a normally emotionless life. I do believe the past events are proof that he had the ability to be that manipulative.

I have just seen and dealt with so much with him, i just can't help but think this is all an act.

To answer the question regarding this as possible repeat "default" behavior... No we have never discussed either of these incidents with this marriage counselor. He is going to his individual therapist weekly. Maybe he has talked about that there.

I feel so torn today. Part of me feels cold hearted for not caring about his tears i'n therapy... And the other side makes me want to tell him to take his sob story to the curb because it takes some nerve to cry about that... When he clearly could care less about putting me 60k i'n debt and then asking me to file bankruptcy.

Like i said earlier.. There's a lot more to my story. I make a lot more than he does... And when i tried to stop him from spending too much he called his elderly and mentally unstable parents for money. Told them we needed more than 10k asap and he got it even though he and i agreed that he would NOT ask them for anything...




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#39 ·
That is totally ridiculous! All that for a sliding door cracked open for fresh air? And calling you at work to boot? That is like, control freak type stuff and the therapist is happy to get your money and keep you coming back so yeah he's going to side with him. Get a new therapist, and/or get out!
 
#40 ·
Well his complaint was that he has a terribl fear of roaches and he felt i could have drawn them i'n since we live on a creek i'n the south. But still...

Again the therapist told me i should have respected my dh's wishes. Counselor really tells me I'm not allowed to ask him why he has feelings.. She also told me i'n his presence that telling him wetting his pants as a child was something a lot of kids go through (my father joked about it happening to him for all his life) was disrespectful and revealed that i did not take his concerns seriously. She was upset with me for saying that... Even though i said it i'n a compassionate way.

UOTE=stillme4you;363028]That is totally ridiculous! All that for a sliding door cracked open for fresh air? And calling you at work to boot? That is like, control freak type stuff and the therapist is happy to get your money and keep you coming back so yeah he's going to side with him. Get a new therapist, and/or get out![/QUOTE]
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#41 ·
Well his complaint was that he has a terribl fear of roaches and he felt i could have drawn them i'n since we live on a creek i'n the south. But still...

Again the therapist told me i should have respected my dh's wishes. Counselor really tells me I'm not allowed to ask him why he has feelings.. She also told me i'n his presence that telling him wetting his pants as a child was something a lot of kids go through (my father joked about it happening to him for all his life) was disrespectful and revealed that i did not take his concerns seriously. She was upset with me for saying that... Even though i said it i'n a compassionate way.

UOTE=stillme4you;363028]That is totally ridiculous! All that for a sliding door cracked open for fresh air? And calling you at work to boot? That is like, control freak type stuff and the therapist is happy to get your money and keep you coming back so yeah he's going to side with him. Get a new therapist, and/or get out!
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Maybe she should treat him for his irrational fear of roaches? He hit pay dirt finding a therapist that sides with him all the time.
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