General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have had a very troubled marriage. I have been advised to leave many times. Instead I got my DH to therapy. He's going to individual counseling and so am I... we are also seeing a couples therapist.
So far - I have been stunned. I just want someone to tell me their reaction to this. Last night, the entire session my 38 year old husband cried about remembering an incident in kindergarden when he wet his pants in class. He sobbed - saying he could smell the urine as if he were still there. He said it was an incident he hadn't recalled in years and years - but it brings him to tears. When I asked "why" this was so disturbing to him - the therapist jumped in and said that "why" questions are controling and judgemental and I wasn't allowed to cross that "boundary". So I had to repeat what he was saying to me. "you are telling me that it's very disturbing to you that you wet your pants in kindergarden" You are saying this makes you feel vulerable. You are saying that you don't understand how this effects you so deeply - but it does.
He ended the session by saying he was so happy to let me see this vulnerable side to him - as he cried over this incident of wetting his pants in kindergarden. Seriously, I may be heartless - but I felt NO empathy for him. I felt pity. I felt like I was on candid camera. At one point I had to fake cough because I felt it was absolutely so ridiculous. I have been through so many tough times in my life and childhood. To sit around (at 150 an hour) and cry about wetting my pants in kindergarden sounds insane to me.
Am I wrong? Should I be more compassionate? I just don't feel anything but shock and the REAL NEED to run from this marriage. I feel like my husband is emotionally a child.
That sounds like it was a good session. Your husband trusted you. Stay with it if you love him and want it to work. You might have some moments like that, what will you want from him? Posted via Mobile Device
Your husband opened up in therapy, took a risk, told you one of his deepest fears, and tried to grow. He chose to let you in on something about him that was obvious very hard for him to admit and convey.
Up to you whether you want to grow with him. When it's your turn to be the troubled one, you can only hope he will not judge your demons from the past like you are doing here.
Thanks for your insight. I think my problem is that he has done so much to hurt me over the past year -- he forced me to tell my parents that I was raped as a teenager (even though I told him I did not want to) ... he told my mother that he thought i was cheating on him (i wasn't and they aren't even close). Those 2 things made my parents disown me and my dad died just weeks after that happened and I never got to set the record straight with him because my husband chose to sabatoge me.
I just have a hard time sitting there listening to him cry over wetting his pants when I have had to deal with the death of my dad and being told I wasn't welcome at his funeral because my DH manipulated me. I am so resentful...that maybe this is a sign that I have no compassion left for him ....after being hurt so badly.
You have certainly been through a lot... but really, he can't "force" you to tell your parents something if you have appropriate boundaries, he didn't disown you, and he is not responsible for your dad dying. The cheating accusation is a bit over the top IMO, but people react irrationally if they believe they are being cheated on or if the marriage is in danger. That seems something that is forgivable over time, at least to me.
Maybe it would be better to continue your IC and work on yourself a bit for a while. And yes, you should go if you really think you are checked out.
Boy, maybe I am a cold hearted person. I just saw this whole thing as odd. He's obviously trying to do some work in therapy and I can't understand him. Is it too late? Will I ever come around? I don't know.... i'm not purposely stringing him along. I am just hoping that there will be a time where I will understand that we can make it work. But, maybe it's not possible.
No I'm not empathetic to someone who kicked our son in the rib cage - had CPS investigate - among other things. I just don't know how to feel sorry for him on something so common in childhood.
Thanks for your insight. I think my problem is that he has done so much to hurt me over the past year -- he forced me to tell my parents that I was raped as a teenager (even though I told him I did not want to) ... he told my mother that he thought i was cheating on him (i wasn't and they aren't even close). Those 2 things made my parents disown me and my dad died just weeks after that happened and I never got to set the record straight with him because my husband chose to sabatoge me.
I just have a hard time sitting there listening to him cry over wetting his pants when I have had to deal with the death of my dad and being told I wasn't welcome at his funeral because my DH manipulated me. I am so resentful...that maybe this is a sign that I have no compassion left for him ....after being hurt so badly.
I think this says more about you and your current frame of mind than anything else. I think you need to heal a bit and deal with your hurts before having compassion for your husband.
I do have to say I'm kind of cold like you. So many people come through horrible childhood tragedies like abuse, neglect etc., that I probably too would think, 'you gotta be f'ing kidding me!'. I would have to remove MYSELF from the situation and realize what hurts other doesn't necessarily hurt me. As far as your situation, why did he force you to tell parents about the raping? Posted via Mobile Device
Well, he told my mom he thought I was cheating on him. She was visiting. So, when he finally pulled me in the bedroom to confront me - I told him he was flat out wrong. He said well then you need to go out there and explain this to your mother because I told her. I freaked out. I asked why. He said he had no one else to talk to. I said you could have talked to ME! He said he was too upset. (Even though he just came back from grocery shopping). Well, when I went out there he said if you don't talk to her about it - then I think we should talk to her about everything you've hidden from her. I told him over and over - over the years that since my abuser was a close friend of theirs...I could NEVER tell them because they would never believe me. He knew this. I told him this again -- but when we sat down at the table he said "she has something to tell you, Mom". And I told her that I did not cheat on him - that he was panicing...etc. He said that's not all -- tell her about "the man's name". Instantly my mom said WHAT? WHAT. Yes I guess I should have..and could have ..said No and walked away. But I felt like my mom wouldn't have believed me about not cheating - if I didn't tell her about my abuse.
From there - my mom definitely went into denial. She called my dad and told him - and was laughing on the phone about how crazy I had become. I instantly became a liar - cheater - and she even suggested that my son shouldn't be around me. My DH did nothing to help me at this point.
No I'm not empathetic to someone who kicked our son in the rib cage - had CPS investigate - among other things. I just don't know how to feel sorry for him on something so common in childhood.
Then why are you still with him? Why subject your son to that kind of abuse? It makes you the enabler. And it makes your son an innocent victim.
OP - I can't tell if you are airing all kinds of laundry until enough people validate the decision to leave, or if you are in a much more seriously abusive situation than you realize.
Keep working on you and keep posting - wish you the best.
OP - I can't tell if you are airing all kinds of laundry until enough people validate the decision to leave,.
That's how I was reading it and still am.
Then she mentioned her husband harmed her son. I have zero empathy for someone who stands by idly letting their child be abused. It's sickening to me. I feel bad for the child who can't defend themself.
No I'm not empathetic to someone who kicked our son in the rib cage - had CPS investigate - among other things.
This would be the deal breaker for me. There would be no other discussion of any other marital problems until this issue was addressed. I would pack up and leave.
I am with you, I would not be able to sympathize with someone about their own childhood who is currently ruining his own son's childhood.
It sounds like he needs to go to some counseling sessions on his own for a little while to work through some of his childhood issues and maybe some anger management as well.
Well, just like the situation I presented here about his pants wetting accident--I was unsure if I was overreacting.
He said that it was a "relex" because it happened after my DH was accidently hit in the groin by our son. My son (4 at the time) was crawling around on the couch and got my DH in the groin. My DH said he had a "reflex" and he kicked our son in the ribcage. My son couldn't breathe. He had the wind knocked out of him. I picked him up and carried him out of the room - and my DH did NOT run over and see if everything was ok. He just said "that's why you don't step on daddy".
The therapist bought the "reflex" story. But I didn't know what to think. I've seen my DH push my son back when getting his foot stepped on accidentally before...but never that aggressively. I always spotted that anger on his face though...
Since the therapy began ...I have seen a noticable change in my DH. He is very very careful. He is obviously scared of me now....considering I raised such an issue about it and that CPS came out. But, CPS just said don't let it happen again...and did nothing else.
I obviously was left confused. Was it on purpose? Therapist saw how it could be a reflex. He has gone to therapy and I have seem all aggressive behavior come to a hault.
What would you do...? You see why I have been trying to have hope - since he is embracing therapy?
Disturbing couples therapy session 
child.
