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Old 07-01-2011, 09:46 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default emotionless men...

He loves me, he has since we met 3 years ago. But now its only that. He has me, he loves me. No feeling past that. Even that sometimes I think is just a "i love you b/c i always have. You've been here and now i'd just like to keep it that way."

He's not romantic, mushy, loving, cuddly or anything. Its just life. He doesn't think about it. Love is not a thought that crosses his mind. He doesn't think about the good things... if he thinks about me its just about normal life things... not happy i'm in his life or anything. he's just not that deep. Its been this way for a while. We love each other and won't let each other leave ever. But ever since he "caught me" 3 years ago and no longer had to try, he just stopped.

I however am very different. I'm an emotional, deep, loving person. So its very difficult to love someone whose not. I feel like he doesn't love me because he doesn't show it. but he just feels no need. And if he does feel a need its because I told him to, and he's not gonna do something on those pretenses. So now he feels forced. I told him to do it because he loves me but thats just not a good enough reason for him.

Is there any way to get him to care? To give him a heart.
Idk if it was because of his past or what but doesn't really matter. Emotions are useless to him and he just plain refuses to let himself feel anything.

We aren't married although we should be by now. But now we arent gonna be able to get back to that point without him feeling something.

I love him and I'm NOT leaving.... I just don't know what to do. My gut reaction is just to freak out at him and that just plain doesn't work. I cry, he yells at me that i'm a cry baby. He doesn't care if he upsets me because to him I shouldn't be upset.
Emotions are just plain a useless, unnecessary, waste of time.
I don't know what to do. I threaten to leave, he gets mad and says that if I really want to leave then I should just go, its my decision. But ofcourse I don't want to... i'm just trying to get him to realize how easily he could lose me.. but he just doesnt see it that way.
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Old 07-01-2011, 09:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: emotionless men...

Have you TOLD him how you feel?
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Old 07-01-2011, 09:56 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: emotionless men...

i dated a man like this.it never got any better no matter how many times i talked to him about my feelings.we dated for 4 years and i never once saw him cry or get choked up.not even when old yeller died.
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Old 07-01-2011, 10:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: emotionless men...

Some people truly are broken.

The link above is to a thread where I posted the parable for "The Broken Popcorn Machine".

Some individuals just shut themselves emotionally off. Many of them cannot even control it.
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Old 07-01-2011, 10:16 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: emotionless men...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kate0558 View Post
if he thinks about me its just about normal life things... not happy i'm in his life or anything. he's just not that deep. Its been this way for a while. We love each other and won't let each other leave ever.
This has me honestly confused, and I'm not saying that in a mean-spirited way. What you see is what you get. You either accept it as it is, or you leave. Neither one of you want to leave the relationship, yet you sound rather dissatisfied with your partner.

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I told him to do it because he loves me but thats just not a good enough reason for him.
I sound like a broken record, but people cannot be controlled or manipulated to do or be anything other than what they are, unless they allow it. Sounds to me like he isn't going to do what you want him to do. Again, I'm confused. You state you know how he is, but you still want to make him do something he isn't capable or willing to do.

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Is there any way to get him to care? To give him a heart.
He alone is responsible for his feelings ... or lack thereof. You have to accept him as he is. None of us have the power to change another person. This post also has me asking myself why you would think he has no feelings. Granted, there are people who aren't deep thinkers, but all humans come with a set of feelings/emotions. It's in our DNA. This guy may just not be particularly emotive about love. If you want to buy a loaf of bread, you don't go shopping in a hardware store. I don't know if that analogy is clear, but it's one we use in A.A. and Al-Anon frequently

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I love him and I'm NOT leaving.... I just don't know what to do.
In this case, love him for the qualities that you ... well, LOVE. There is nothing else you can really do. People are not projects we take on in order to "remodel" them. Whatever it is you love about him, embrace it.
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Old 07-01-2011, 10:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Prodigal View Post
This has me honestly confused, and I'm not saying that in a mean-spirited way. What you see is what you get. You either accept it as it is, or you leave. Neither one of you want to leave the relationship, yet you sound rather dissatisfied with your partner.



I sound like a broken record, but people cannot be controlled or manipulated to do or be anything other than what they are, unless they allow it. Sounds to me like he isn't going to do what you want him to do. Again, I'm confused. You state you know how he is, but you still want to make him do something he isn't capable or willing to do.



He alone is responsible for his feelings ... or lack thereof. You have to accept him as he is. None of us have the power to change another person. This post also has me asking myself why you would think he has no feelings. Granted, there are people who aren't deep thinkers, but all humans come with a set of feelings/emotions. It's in our DNA. This guy may just not be particularly emotive about love. If you want to buy a loaf of bread, you don't go shopping in a hardware store. I don't know if that analogy is clear, but it's one we use in A.A. and Al-Anon frequently



In this case, love him for the qualities that you ... well, LOVE. There is nothing else you can really do. People are not projects we take on in order to "remodel" them. Whatever it is you love about him, embrace it.
Dear Prodigal ~

Your post hit home and made a lot of sense to me.

Thank You ~

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Old 07-01-2011, 12:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I don't know if its that he's not willing so much as it would take a huge effort for him (where as most ppl it would just come naturally). And he's just too lazy or more like never thinks to make the effort because once the conversations over - its over. never thinks about it again.

Theres a lot of things I can deal with. i dont need to love him for how he is to me. I have other reasons to love him. But what I need is to KNOW he loves me a lot. Going on one little thing he did a year ago doesn't work that well. Actions speak louder then words kinda thing. I get an I love you before bed and before we leave for work... but when none of his actions are saying that, especially after 2 years... it makes me wonder if he really feels it. i have a hard time believing him now.

Idk if I should do it to him so he gets the hint kind of thing or if i should just leave him alone. I feel like i've tried both to no avail. But then again like I said hes not a very cuddly person... so if i start cuddling up to him he'll let me for like a minute then push me away cus its "uncomfortable".
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Old 07-01-2011, 01:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: emotionless men...

Don't marry this guy or you will regret it more than you can ever imagine
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Old 07-01-2011, 01:33 PM   #9 (permalink)
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why would you say something like that?

i've been with him 3 years. i know how he is. atleast i know what i'm getting into instead of being surprised a year after like most ppl.
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Old 07-01-2011, 01:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Don't marry this guy or you will regret it more than you can ever imagine
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I'm afraid I have to agree with this statement. Seriously think about whether you want to continue this relationship before you're 14 years and 4 kids into it.

Quote:
I'm an emotional, deep, loving person. So its very difficult to love someone whose not.
I'm the same way and I'm married to someone who sounds a lot like your SO. I looked past it so many years and I made sure that he felt loved, gave him affirmations, initiated intimacy and finally realized that he has RARELY done things like that for me. He will respond to my attempts to connect but won't do it himself.

I'm so tired of holding up the emotional end of our relationship and I just can't do it any more. And what's worse is that I just don't want to do it any more. And he can't (or won't) so here we are. And it sucks.
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Old 07-01-2011, 01:40 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: emotionless men...

i agree with tenyearhubby.the things you're willing to tolerate now and for the last three years may be things you won't be able to tolerate or put up with after 10 years or 20 years.especially if you're already on a message board having issues with it.knowing what you're getting into and living with the issue unchanged for the next 50 years of your life are two different things.
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Old 07-02-2011, 11:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dylan View Post
i never once saw him cry or get choked up.not even when old yeller died.
That's not right.


Kate what are you getting out of this relationship? He gives you no emotions, and leaves you empty, a lonely life to live.

Can he show anger easily? or the other negative emotions.
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Old 07-02-2011, 11:04 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: emotionless men...

You cry and he calls you a crybaby? honey I can tell you right now you with the wrong man. If you don't plan on leaving, then plan on this happening more and possibly getting worse.
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Old 07-03-2011, 02:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Looks like your boyfriend Kate 0558 and my husband have attended the same course at school ‘How to be emotionless’

And now on a serious note, I can understand what you are going through because I am in exactly the same boat.
I am 34 and my husband is 42, we have been married for 5 years (known each other for 7). My husband used to be loving and affectionate for the first 12 months of the relationship then it just slowly stopped. As ridiculous as it sounds nowadays I get more affection from my dog then my husband.

My husband says he loves me but only when asked. He doesn’t show me any affection at home not to mention in public. He could go weeks without kissing or holding me or being intimate. To be honest he even avoids sex. This started 2 years ago. Whenever I try to initiate something he either makes an excuse that he is either tired or it’s not the right time or he just literally pushes me away. It’s like threading on egg shells every time. I understand that we have been married for almost 5 years so things will not be as they were when we first met but my husband not wanting sex or intimacy at all is not right. Similarly to Kate0558 my husband doesn’t care if this upsets me and he does not think it is a problem.

I have tried to speak to him about it on numerous occasions but he simply refuses to discuss it and ignores me. I told him how the whole situation makes me feel and that I do not understand why he behaves the way he does but I got no explanation apart from ‘you are nagging again so what do you expect’.

So I am back in square one contemplating what to do next.

Last edited by Yamaha_R1; 07-04-2011 at 03:00 AM.
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Old 07-03-2011, 04:06 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kate0558 View Post
He loves me, he has since we met 3 years ago. But now its only that. He has me, he loves me. No feeling past that. Even that sometimes I think is just a "i love you b/c i always have. You've been here and now i'd just like to keep it that way."
SOME men ENJOY the thrill of the chase, once they get the woman, they get a little bored, they KNOW they have you, and see no reason to exhort effort. It IS a destructive flaw that hurts many women. These types usually seek more conquests though, don't sound like yours is doing this. (one plus!) Was he EMOTIONALLY engaging, flirtatuos /romantic THEN? What has changed in the relationship over these last 3 yrs ? Any attaction issues?

My question is -- WHAT gets him excited ? What does he show spirited enthusaium about? Do you feel he has other priorites before you OR you feel #1 -except this nasty lack of verbal & emotional sweet talking that many women get mushy over & frankly we ENJOY -- Makes us feel alive, loved, cherished & connected. There is nothing wrong with YOU for desiring this.

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He's not romantic, mushy, loving, cuddly or anything. Its just life. He doesn't think about it. Love is not a thought that crosses his mind. He doesn't think about the good things... if he thinks about me its just about normal life things... not happy i'm in his life or anything. he's just not that deep. Its been this way for a while. We love each other and won't let each other leave ever. But ever since he "caught me" 3 years ago and no longer had to try, he just stopped.
I find this very very SAD - he sounds like a robot to me, dry as a saltine cracker and given your differences, you being invitingly deep, enjoy emotion being shared , I am going to warn you, you may have been able to "put up with this 'this far" but you will get tired, this will drain the life out of you , you will always be seeking MORE from him, he will feel pressured (as he has told you he does not want forced) , it will be a tiring hamster wheel of each trying to get something from the other. He will want left alone, you will want what any normal woman wants.

This boyfriend sounds like a LONER, the type who can be happy with "just living" he has no need of anyone else for a normal -even if somewhat borning happiness . Has he been in other relationships? If so, who dumped who?

Quote:

Is there any way to get him to care? To give him a heart.
Idk if it was because of his past or what but doesn't really matter. Emotions are useless to him and he just plain refuses to let himself feel anything.
Has he had trama in his past / childhood / hurt very deeply & closed himself up?? Is he on any kind of medication for Depression by any chance? If so , they have the ability, for some, to steal your emotions, making you a little "zombie like", zapping the sex drive and also all that warm & romantic stuff that goes along with it.

Quote:

We aren't married although we should be by now. But now we arent gonna be able to get back to that point without him feeling something.

I love him and I'm NOT leaving.... I just don't know what to do. My gut reaction is just to freak out at him and that just plain doesn't work. I cry, he yells at me that i'm a cry baby. He doesn't care if he upsets me because to him I shouldn't be upset.
Emotions are just plain a useless, unnecessary, waste of time.
I don't know what to do. I threaten to leave, he gets mad and says that if I really want to leave then I should just go, its my decision. But ofcourse I don't want to... i'm just trying to get him to realize how easily he could lose me.. but he just doesnt see it that way.
Re-read what you say here carefully --- YOU feel you should be married by now, This translates to me he must not see it this way or you would be. YOU say you will never leave -he knows this, so takes you for granted. YOU cry, he yells, he DOESN'T care if you are upset because he has no use for emotions.

He even tells you to LEAVE-that you should just GO , it is YOUR decision. Basically what this translates to me is -he is speaking very loud and clear he has NO desire, and zero intention of changing, and if you want to stay, STAY but he will continue to be what he is - a robot and as dry as saltine cracker emotionally.

Yes, it is your choice.

My advice -- You will forever be chasing after the wind to keep this one interested. So not worth it - doesn't even seem possible. I agree wholehearily with the others, LOOSE this man. If you do not, you WILL regret it. He needs to be joined with an unemotional woman who maybe lives for her job or wants to marry for $$ & not caring about the man or his feelings towards her, something like that. YOu are not this woman.

Take these tests --learn more about You & His temperment differences -also you & his Love languages. "Verbal affirmation" & "Physical Touch" is obvioisly at the bottom of his list, he sees zero value in it. ANd I bet near the top of yours! Major disconnect with no care on his part. Huge Huge red flag.


Learning our Temperments & that of our Spouses to better understand them..


What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 07-03-2011 at 04:17 PM.
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