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Old 07-02-2011, 10:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default New marriage and confused

Hi-

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and started dating almost 4 years ago. At the time he had been separated from his now ex-wife for almost 3 years. In the beginning I found it surprising that he had so much contact with her - apparently they had decided that they would remain "friends". I found her behavior to be very inappropriate, manipulative of him, and controlling. She would call at odd times - very early in the morning or very late at night for mundane things - ask him to go to their shared condo to fix her internet, put up wall hangings, fetch meds for the dog, etc. And it wasn't that she called that was so much the issue but the way in which she called - she rarely left messages - if he didn't pick up she would call again and again until he did, demanding his attention.

Despite this, we were surprised at the instant chemistry, commonalities in background, culture and similarities in family dynamics that we shared, and we instantly fell in love. He finally started pushing the divorce along, and we became engaged. He still hadn't told his ex about us yet, and because of the recession, they decided it didn't make sense to sell their condo and that she would continue to live there and he would continue to pay 1/2 of all of the expenses. She continued to call him, whenever she wanted - he was too afraid of hurting her to set the proper boundaries. Months later he finally told her about me and up until the week before our marriage she continued to call him constantly regarding her refinancing, the dog, the condo, leaks, etc., all up until several days before our wedding. I almost called the whole thing off being afraid that it would never change - that despite how hurt I was that he would always consider her feelings before mine. His excuse was that he felt sorry for her and especially since he had moved on and was happy and she wasn't. He promised me he would set boundaries and that she would be out of our lives for all intents and purposes. Just a few days before our wedding he met with her and told her we were getting married, and asked her if she could call our landline so that he could achieve transparency with me.

Her phone calls lessened in frequency but she still never acknowledged me and continued to call him on his cell phone and never on the landline. My husband mostly lied about it whenever I did find out she called. One day I had to borrow his cell and went through it. I found a deleted voicemail from her from the night before, late at night, asking him to let her into her condo because she had locked herself out. He never went, of course, but I was upset that she had no reservations about calling a married man at 10 pm to come over to her condo across town when she had never even acknowledged his wife.

A couple of months later, over a year into our marriage, she called again very early in the morning and I happened to see her name and number on his phone. She left a voicemail saying she had locked herself out, if he could come and let her into their condo. I felt that I had had enough. I picked up the phone and called her and told her to get out of our lives and to stop being so dependent on my husband. We exchanged a few nasty words and I asked her not to call him back.

Much to my surprise Ė this changed my relationship for the worse. She had called him back to discuss the condo and the dog, and each of these conversations felt like a way for her to draw him in emotionally. She called me names, said nasty things about me, and cried endlessly for hours, affecting his sense of guilt and responsibility toward her. I couldnít believe it but he actually asked me to apologize to her. He said I was the stronger one and he felt sorry for her.

In the end, the thing that hurt me the most was that I felt that he took her side. Despite what I had been through because of her, he saw her as the victim. I found an email to her from him several months later telling her that if she needed anything to call him on his cell or to email him on a private email account that I didnít know about. It broke my heart to see this email in which I felt that he was basically telling her that the door was still open. When I confronted him he said it was just (again) for logistical reasons Ė for her to let him know how the dog was doing, etc. but that she had never called him or emailed him since then. I didnít believe him and couldnít trust him. Now he is angry at me for not trusting him because he feels that he loves me more than he ever loved her, and that itís my fault for ruining everything between us. We have talked about possibly separating.

I donít know how to fix this dynamic between us and I feel hurt that he still makes excuses for her Ė that she was just calling for this, or needed that, sheís not manipulative or cunning, etc. I donít know how to forgive him for siding with her and for giving her an open door access to him despite me. I donít know how to trust him and I know it hurts him that I donít. I know he loves me and isnít doing anything behind my back but I think when it comes to her he doesnít even know heís being manipulated and sees me as the crazy jealous wife when I tell him that is what she is doing.

He tells me I should just get over it that life isnít always fair, and that despite the fact that she was wrong, we can just move on but that just hurts me more, as if my feelings arenít relevant and hers are.

Confused. Sorry for the long post.
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Old 07-02-2011, 10:40 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: New marriage and confused

Why is your husband ok with this kind of relationship?

I'm sure everyone is different, but I've never understood all the contact after a divorce. I remember one poster on here who said her husband's x would call him for everything including to come "squash a bug."

My wife asked for a divorce, which was final in December. To be honest, we had as civil of a divorce as one could ask for, but as far as I'm concerned, the contact is over. We have children together, but everything is scheduled, so I rarely talk to her. The way I see it, that would be the best of both worlds for her to get rid of me, yet have me do all her chores. Nope, not I. She can squash her own bugs and fix her own leaky faucets.
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Old 07-02-2011, 11:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: New marriage and confused

I think your husband should be cutting contact with his ex, especially for things like leaky faucets and the dog. If there are children between them, then I can see contact to discuss issues that are related to the kids. Otherwise, she has become dependant on him, and he has enabled it by letting her.

I do believe that he is the one that should take a long, hard look at this and be the one to move on from his ex. As his wife, you should have the top priority.

If you've talked about it and he refuses to acknowledge it as an issue, I would consider going to marriage counseling - even alone if he refuses to attend.
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Old 07-02-2011, 11:46 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: New marriage and confused

Quote:
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and started dating almost 4 years ago. At the time he had been separated from his now ex-wife for almost 3 years. In the beginning I found it surprising that he had so much contact with her - apparently they had decided that they would remain "friends". I found her behavior to be very inappropriate, manipulative of him, and controlling. She would call at odd times - very early in the morning or very late at night for mundane things - ask him to go to their shared condo to fix her internet, put up wall hangings, fetch meds for the dog, etc. And it wasn't that she called that was so much the issue but the way in which she called - she rarely left messages - if he didn't pick up she would call again and again until he did, demanding his attention.
The only question I have is this;
Since this had been going on when you two met, three years after his divorce, why and what gave you any inclination that it was going to change?
I bet that I can add another dynamic to this;
She threw him out.
He's not over his ex and does not want to be over her.
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Old 07-02-2011, 12:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: New marriage and confused

@DanF,

I thought things would change because he convinced me they would but that being said I accept responsibility for my actions too - I was deeply in love with him and wanted to believe him. He is an honestly good person and I do not think he is in love with her at all - I think he feels a lot of guilt for what he did to her. They were young when they married and he wasn't ready and he neglected her a lot and wasn't a very good husband. I think his guilt compounded when he realized he met a soul mate in me and found happiness, and she still hadn't moved in. Of course it's a lot more complicated than it seems on these threads but basically there is a lot of guilt on his end, and because of this he is unable to see her actions and impact on our marriage objectively. I think his issue had more to do with boundaries and guilt than feelings for her.

Their relationship has been severed, but mainly because of my intervention. Our concern right now is trust - I still wonder if she will call out of the blue and he will make himself available to her, and he is offended that I don't trust that him.
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Old 07-02-2011, 12:22 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: New marriage and confused

she still hadn't moved *on* not in
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Old 07-12-2011, 06:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: New marriage and confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by triniti View Post
I found an email to her from him several months later telling her that if she needed anything to call him on his cell or to email him on a private email account that I didnít know about. It broke my heart to see this email in which I felt that he was basically telling her that the door was still open.
It sounds like he still loves her and never got over her. Perhaps he got involved with you before his heart had healed from their marriage? You were the rebound?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DanF View Post
The only question I have is this;
Since this had been going on when you two met, three years after his divorce, why and what gave you any inclination that it was going to change?
I bet that I can add another dynamic to this;
She threw him out.
He's not over his ex and does not want to be over her.
I agree. If this was happening the entire time then I'm not sure what you expected to change. It's clear she and he maintained contact and he refused to end it, even going as far as to create a secret email you didn't know about. If he truly wanted to be rid of her, he would have, IMO.

If what he has told you was true about their break up, then it sounds like he was a total jerk to her.

But my bet is they were involved while he was getting with you and possibly still are.

You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him about how you feel and what you need to happen in order to trust him. If he can't do what you ask of him, then you need to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship.

A marriage so new w/ this many trust issues already has a bad foundation to start on.
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Old 07-12-2011, 06:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: New marriage and confused

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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
It sounds like he still loves her and never got over her. Perhaps he got involved with you before his heart had healed from their marriage? You were the rebound?



I agree. If this was happening the entire time then I'm not sure what you expected to change. It's clear she and he maintained contact and he refused to end it, even going as far as to create a secret email you didn't know about. If he truly wanted to be rid of her, he would have, IMO.

If what he has told you was true about their break up, then it sounds like he was a total jerk to her.

But my bet is they were involved while he was getting with you and possibly still are.

You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him about how you feel and what you need to happen in order to trust him. If he can't do what you ask of him, then you need to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship.

A marriage so new w/ this many trust issues already has a bad foundation to start on.
My spidey senses on this was that he was not in fact separated for the length of time he said. He began a relationship with you, OP and after getting drawn in to that and a push for divorce, he felt guilty for having cheated on his wife. That would explain the guilt, the going over there to smooth things over, the caring about her feelings more. Men who cheat often feel a profound sense of guilt. Men who divorce for the OW often feel it worse.
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Old 07-12-2011, 06:47 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: New marriage and confused

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Originally Posted by triniti View Post
Hi-
I couldnít believe it but he actually asked me to apologize to her. He said I was the stronger one and he felt sorry for her.
HA!!
after this, i would have called her again only to tell her she is nothing but a manipulative, controlling c***, then hung up.
then told him since his allegiance is with her and not his wife, he can go live at 'their' condo since he spends so much time there any ways.

do you 'know' they are not carrying on anything else on the side?

he should not feel guilty at this point.
he made the choice and he should live with it and put his heart into his decision, and that was you and he is not.
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Old 07-12-2011, 07:04 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: New marriage and confused

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Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes View Post
My spidey senses on this was that he was not in fact separated for the length of time he said. He began a relationship with you, OP and after getting drawn in to that and a push for divorce, he felt guilty for having cheated on his wife. That would explain the guilt, the going over there to smooth things over, the caring about her feelings more. Men who cheat often feel a profound sense of guilt. Men who divorce for the OW often feel it worse.
That is exactly how I was reading this thread and her other posts. Get out of my head, Brighteyes! LOL.

If he left his wife to be with the OP, then everything she is saying makes a lot more sense.
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Old 07-13-2011, 07:49 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I doubt he maintains or maintained a relationship with her out of a sense of guilt. He does it because he gets something out of it. Maybe, he likes the feeling of being chased. Maybe he likes to rescue damsels in distress. Maybe he wants to be with her again. But it is not out of guilt. It's something he gets. You have to figure out what he gets from her, and be better at giving it to him than she is.

His utter lack of sensitivity to your feelings, and his unwillingness to put you first in his life is a problem. You say your a soul mates, but I don't see how a man treats his soul mate that way. The other very strange thing is that he supposedly severed his relationship with her, however he did it in such a way that he did not repair your feelings in the process because he was callous to you. It is not possible that a man would listen to you and sever the relationship that you don't approve of, and not manage to "get" your happiness agreed to in return for the sacrifice that he made.

I would recommend counseling... but if he cannot ever come around to making you feel that you are #1 in his life, I would be separating / divorcing.
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