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Confused -- wife lied about past and lied during engagement

19K views 147 replies 31 participants last post by  farsidejunky 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been married since December 2013. Until one week ago, the first 18 months of marriage have been absolutely fantastic and we were having so much fun in this extended “honeymoon” phase of our relationship. What changed everything was finding out some hidden truths and omitted details about her relationship right before she met me and what continued after we were engaged. Let me back track to provide a timeline so it all makes more sense…

I met my wife via an online dating service in January 2013. I was a little skeptical of finding someone online, and even more leery of the fact that she was living overseas, significantly farther that anyone I had previously dated. We just started off with some nice online conversations, but soon it turned into everyday extended chats on Skype. By March 2013, I had an airline ticket booked to go and see her and vacation plans to go traveling together the entire summer. Things were moving fast, but being in my mid-30s at that point and feeling a little discouraged with where previous relationships had gone, I figured it was all worth a shot.

Throughout March and April we continuously talked online and were always getting along well and laughing. When we talked about past relationships, which really only happened in one conversation, we both acknowledged that the past wasn’t really important and that if things went well in the summer, perhaps we had a bright future ahead of us. It was serious talk between two people who hadn’t actually spent time together, but at the time I thought it was exciting to dream of all the possibilities.

In early May the first strange behavior occurred. We were chatting online and she mentioned nonchalantly that in two days she was going off to the beach with “friends” of hers. No big deal, I thought, and then I inquired, “who are they?” She responded by just calling them some “work friends” and I thought nothing of it.
The night before she left, she mentioned that she needed to go to bed early for her flight the next day to the beach. “A flight?” I asked. “I thought you said you were taking a bus?” She said the plans had changed. Again, I thought nothing of the inconsistency in her details. Then she added that she probably wouldn’t message while she was gone. Once again, I thought little of this since it is normal to just enjoy your time on vacation and not have to take out extended time for online chats. Besides, we hadn’t seen each other at this point. Why would I need to be jealous or suspicious. Later, this odd behavior made more sense when I learned what was actually happening in her life at the time, but I will get there later...

In mid-May, just days before I departed to meet her for the first time, there was the second odd/inconsistent behavior. At this point we talked everyday online and had a schedule around the time differences and work hours. Suddenly, for three days, I didn’t get any messages from her. She disappeared. After 3 days I made an international phone call (we normally used skype and viber for free) and she answered her phone. She explained to me that she “had no wifi” for some days and apologized for the lack of communication. Again, it seemed plausible and I thought little of it. Later, I would find out what was really going on during this time...

From late May through the end of July we spent every day together. It was fantastic and we had such a fun time getting to know each other. We were compatible emotionally, intellectually, and sexually. I had so much fun that I did something crazy and asked her to marry me! Hell, we were both in our 30s and wanted to build a life together. She agreed and we set the wedding date for December 2013. A very fast engagement, yes, but part of the excitement was how fast and amazing everything was happening around me. During the summer together things seemed perfect, so I had few reservations about “rushing” into marriage. She was equally enthusiastic. Things seemed normal...

We were apart from September 2013 until our wedding December 2013. We chatted online everyday and planned our wedding via long distance arrangements. Since our wedding December 2013, we have been happily married and have only had a few small arguments. Then, a few weeks ago, things got rough…

I am partially to blame for bringing upon myself the current crisis. A few weeks ago, after eating lunch, I noticed my wife’s old phone sitting next to the bed. I picked it up and began to play with it. Basically, I was spying on her private life by "playing" with her phone. What motivated me was not suspicion, but I realize now what I did was a violation of her privacy. In any case, what I found out shook me up. I discovered her previous bf was messaging and talking to her up through December 2013. The time she went away (May 2013) and disappeared for 3 days (May 2013) were the days she was with her boyfriend. It now made sense why she wasn't communicative at the time. She was basically cyber cheating on her bf. Remember, she met me via a dating site. When I arrived at the end of May 2013, she stopped messaging him for a month and was sleeping with me at that time. In July 2013, they broke up (they were messaging while I was staying with her) via phone and ceased communicating for some months. She never mentioned to him another man. In September 2013, after we were engaged, she began communicating with him via text and phone. They met for lunch 3 times as “friends” and apparently had no physical contact. She never mentioned to him that she was engaged. Their conversations at that time were flirtations. According to her ex-boyfriend, who is now furious he was cheated-on, the last time they were sexual with each other was May 2013, before I arrived. Based on this information, she never physically cheated on me. As a way of communicating with her ex, my wife had a secret, private facebook account named after her favorite love song she shared with him. She only deleted this account when I found out last week.

My wife says she is truly sorry and wants forgiveness. She reminds me that she never physically cheated on me and was wrong not to tell the ex about our engagement and marriage. Her ex, out of respect for me and anger towards her, says he wants no part of her life as long as he lives. He seems just as upset as I do, which makes sense since he was also deceived.

I want to forgive my wife and move on. However, I find myself so angry now and mistrustful/suspicious of her. On top of it all, she is now pregnant, so the fighting and questioning of my relationship is even more complicated. I thought I would be elated at the news of the pregnancy, but now I sometimes wish I found out about her past before this big change.

I want to believe that she will be more honest with me and something like this won’t happen again. My parents (and her parents) say we should forget about the past and focus on the future and our family. But, if I am honest, sometimes I wish I learned of her ex before the wedding so I could have backed out earlier…

I’m so confused and still angry….
 
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#2 ·
This happened before you two marriage and she didn't sleep with him. This was 2 years ago and you are angry and upset now about it? Make sure she deletes all of his information and isn't still in contact with him. If she is being a faithful wife now and not talking to her ex or any other man then that's all you need to know. Don't bring it up and move on.
 
#6 ·
When was the last time she had contact with him through Facebook or text?

From what you've said, I think you're overreacting a bit.

She didn't cheat on you. You two moved quickly. She was wrapping up a previous relationship.

Yeah, she absolutely should have told you that she was still in a relationship when you first started talking.

But.... she broke it off before she became intimate with you, before she agreed to marry you. And it doesn't sound like she's been in touch with him since you were married.

You've been happy for 18 months. Don't be so quick to let this spoil everything.
 
#7 ·
Wait, she had a secret face book account that was only deleted last week when you found out it existed?

And she cheated on her then-bf with you?

I would have some serious trust issues at this point, so I understand the anger.

It does not sound like there is an evidence of her cheating on you, which is good. However, the trust issue needs to be addressed.

A little counseling would be in order…and a paternity test.

Funny thing about trust…once broken it takes a good deal of effort to rebuild it.


Do not over-react though.

Ask for some kind of marriage counseling to work on trust and secrets, ask for a paternity test as a way to settle your mind about your kid so you can be stoked about it (you're going to be a dad, which is awesome!), and go from there.

Forgiveness will come, don't let the anger swallow you up.
 
#17 ·
Do I understand the facts correctly? She maintained a secret facebook relationship with the ex(?) bf all through your 18 months of marriage? Not once did she tell him she was married?

If this is correct, this is some radical deceit on the part of your wife. No wonder you are upset. It's like she was leading two separate lives.
 
#10 ·
But.... she broke it off before she became intimate with you, before she agreed to marry you. And it doesn't sound like she's been in touch with him since you were married.

You've been happy for 18 months. Don't be so quick to let this spoil everything.[/QUOTE]

-------
She was still dating him when we spent our first month together and were intimate.

She says she only occassionally sent him messages on facebook since we got married. She never told him she was now married.
 
#19 · (Edited)
But.... she broke it off before she became intimate with you, before she agreed to marry you. And it doesn't sound like she's been in touch with him since you were married.

You've been happy for 18 months. Don't be so quick to let this spoil everything

-------
She was still dating him when we spent our first month together and were intimate.

She says she only occassionally sent him messages on facebook since we got married. She never told him she was now married.
Or she deletes their communications(Or uses different app)...and only kept the innocent ones.

What kind of ex hangs around for 2 years without things going further than chatting ? Online or in person
 
#14 ·
You have to understand who you married. She manipulated you both to see which deal would be better. She was cheating on her bf with you by getting on a dating site in the first place.

You might not be her first rodeo.

She was looking to trade up on her bf and didn't give a second thought to cheating on him if it meant improving her chances with someone else. She is at least guilty of an EA on you.

Your wife has pretty low character.

She is a proven cheater to improve her situation.

She cheated on her bf with an EA/PA with you and on you with an EA.

Understand fully who you married and some decisions might become clearer.

She could use some serious counseling to figure out what is flawed in her that she thinks playing both of you was fine as long as she benefits.

She is very self oriented and a cheater.

I would be very concerned about her behavior.

Maybe she can get help to overcome her infidelity and manipulation.

She should understand that her behavior warrants no trust and could even threaten her marriage to you.

She needs motivation to become a better person.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#21 ·
How do you know she wasn't getting "serviced" by both of you at the same time? You can't really trust anything she is saying about this issue.

Did her bf talk to you about a timeline? Did you compare notes?

She was very likely having a PA on you as well as an EA.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#22 ·
So it sounds like you both have been lied too...perhaps in messaging him he might tell you if they were intimate...let's face it, you would rather know it all now in dealing with it and see if she is still lying to you...in return you can not just rug sweep this incident...you both need to face reality and she need to you that you lost complete trust in her and that the only way you will get past this is that she needs to provide COMPLETE transparency....because i tell you this and listen carefully ...years will move on and one day when the kids are in school she will have some idle time and some one new will spark her interest and she will go secret again...until you find out....and all of this will come back...so DON"T RUG SWEEP IT and that includes her.
 
#24 ·
She was comparing the two of you like watermelons at the store, and she picked you. She cheated on him before breaking up with him, but then continued in secret contact with him all this time. That is a pretty sh!tty thing to do to both of you.

Get you and her into some counseling. Make it very clear you do not put up with her lying and keeping in contact with old boyfriends. This seems to be a patter with Asian women from overseas. They seem to have very poor boundaries.
 
#27 ·
She has been stringing him along this whole time. I know you don't want to hear this, but what she has done with him is the definition of an emotional affair (EA). I would class it as an EA only because he is so far away. Otherwise, I don't doubt that it would still be physical.

In my opinion, she has been cheating on you. She has had a clandestine relationship with her bf while married to you.

I'm sorry, but I can't see how this is a small bump in the road. You have to embark on real reconciliation with a person who has not been honest with you. You are a betrayed spouse.
 
#31 ·
You have said that you want to look to a future together, but you are on this thread now reading the opinions of others. Are you on the fence about staying with her?

If you want to try to keep things together, I think you need total honesty from her. The problem is that she has never been honest with you. I don't know how you can be certain that you achieve that.
 
#37 ·
yeah, I went to this forum for some different perspectives. My best friend knows, but that is it...

My intention is to save the marriage and talk through my doubts....
It's just hard to cope with right now...

She refuses counseling and just wants to forget about the past.
 
#35 ·
Yea,
First of, you have every right to look into her phone.
Second, shame on her for not disclosing her relationship.
Third, she chose you!

If she dumped this all on you the night before marriage, would you be married today?

Best of luck to you bro, she's a Woman, your wife, forgive her.
 
#36 ·
I'm not sure what I would have done the night before the marriage... If I found out a few months before marriage I would have walked away without looking back.

But the reality I have to find a new normal and make the best of what I have now. Trust will be an issue, but hopefully that will come with time.
 
#40 ·
Total honesty from her now would be her saying this:

"I was testing you out because I was looking for something better than my boyfriend at the time. If you didn't work out I would have dropped you, gone back to him but continued to look. Since you worked out, I decided to make sure before letting him down. I know that it was selfish but I was looking after my best interests at the time and so lying and cheating on him was justified. I fully realise how horrible my behaviour was. I am truly sorry and hope that I have become a better person."

Anything less would mean she still has the selfish and deceitful streak in her.
 
#41 ·
Dude. You don't even have a marriage to save.

Do you even comprehend that she has been cheating on you and her bf for every second of time you have known her?

You might want to start over.

You truly do not know who you are married to.

Keep treating this like a regular relationship with problems and it will blow up in your face.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#42 ·
Dna test. You married a woman, your story may be unique to you, but it is fairly typical to many. When things cool off, find a counseler who specializes in infidelity. She could probably use individual counseling as well. Trust but verify going forward, dna test is the first step.
 
#44 ·
hmmmm....

Is she 'pregnant' now... so that you'll have something to focus on instead of you seeing if she's contacting the ex??

Has she been to doctor to confirm the pregnancy? Just wondering if the pregnancy 'occurred' after you found out she was having an emotional affair with another man?

Full disclosure on her part needs forthcoming. She needs to give you passwords to all devices, and you need to get paternity test as soon as viable in the pregnancy.

If shes not really pregnant (then you know how manipulative she is!), and ditch her ASAP.
If she is pregnant, and she does one move of conact with any other man (the ex, or if she's fishing for a new "online" boyfriend), then kick her out and only be a father to the fetus.
 
#50 ·
Mag,

Man to man I'm going to explain why 'sucking it up and moving on is dangerous'.

If there isn't some tangible consequence for all this deception, than she will believe you are weak. That's just reality. She won't ever say that, but she'll believe it. That doesn't mean she WILL do this again. It does mean she's more likely to do it again.

You are approaching this as if you have only two options:
1. Divorce her
2. Accept it and move on

That's not correct. You are completely within your rights to insist on counseling as a condition of continuing the marriage.

If she's truly remorseful that she hurt you, she will accept this. If she's only sorry she got caught, she'll refuse. And that tells you that she doesn't value the marriage/love you.

The other option you need to discuss with a lawyer is a post nuptial agreement. It doesn't have to be harsh, but it should be clear.

I wish you luck. The fact that she kept stringing him on as her Plan B guy without telling him she was married is a very bad sign.

You are clearly in love with her. So why did she keep a 'Plan B' guy on speed dial?

And THAT is what counseling is for. Not to beat her up about WHAT she did. It's done. Can't change that. But to understand WHY she did it.

Good luck

QUOTE=magnificent27;13150513]yeah, I went to this forum for some different perspectives. My best friend knows, but that is it...

My intention is to save the marriage and talk through my doubts....
It's just hard to cope with right now...

She refuses counseling and just wants to forget about the past.[/QUOTE]
 
#51 ·
Mag,

Man to man I'm going to explain why 'sucking it up and moving on is dangerous'.

If there isn't some tangible consequence for all this deception, than she will believe you are weak. That's just reality. She won't ever say that, but she'll believe it. That doesn't mean she WILL do this again. It does mean she's more likely to do it again.

You are approaching this as if you have only two options:
1. Divorce her
2. Accept it and move on

That's not correct. You are completely within your rights to insist on counseling as a condition of continuing the marriage.

If she's truly remorseful that she hurt you, she will accept this. If she's only sorry she got caught, she'll refuse. And that tells you that she doesn't value the marriage/love you.

The other option you need to discuss with a lawyer is a post nuptial agreement. It doesn't have to be harsh, but it should be clear.

I wish you luck. The fact that she kept stringing him on as her Plan B guy without telling him she was married is a very bad sign.

You are clearly in love with her. So why did she keep a 'Plan B' guy on speed dial?

And THAT is what counseling is for. Not to beat her up about WHAT she did. It's done. Can't change that. But to understand WHY she did it.

Good luck

yeah, I went to this forum for some different perspectives. My best friend knows, but that is it...

My intention is to save the marriage and talk through my doubts....
It's just hard to cope with right now...

She refuses counseling and just wants to forget about the past.
Well said.
 
#52 ·
From late May through the end of July we spent every day together.

.....

We were apart from September 2013 until our wedding December 2013.
So, apart from your skyping, you really only spent a little over 2 months physically together before you were married? Is that right?

That is not nearly enough time to really know someone... In person.

I'd also recommend you make sure the child is yours.
 
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