Re: Dealing With the Dogmatic Spouse
It sounds like you are married to someone who has narcissistic tendencies, if not full blown NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). They have no ability to see other's perspectives, to value other people's wants/needs, or to be self-aware. They lack empathy and everything is always about them - what they want, what they need, what they want you to mirror back to them. They are very caught up in appearances and how they look to the outside world. They are manipulative and controlling. They do not accept responsibility for doing anything wrong. They do not accept anything other than your admiration and agreement of their world view.
If she is a narcissist, she cannot and will not change. She would probably not agree to therapy if you had the money to go because she does not have the capacity to accept that she has faults, is wrong about some things. She would spend all her time in therapy trying to get the therapist to see her as flawless and wonderful. Her fragile ego could not handle the real work of therapy, which requires self-reflection, acknowledgement of flaws and issues, etc. Her father sounds like a narcissist, too.
I would google to read up on NPD and the various forms it can take. There are, unfortunately, limited options for you if she is one. And your children will also be harmed by her behavior, too, so read up and figure out if she is and if so, how you can best handle it. Not engaging is the best advice, but that's hard to do when you are married. You could stay with her to ameliorate the damage she will do the your kids, and then leave when they are in college. They will need your influence to counteract her warped view of the world. If she has NPD, you need to be aware that she views the kids as existing to meet her emotional needs and need for admiration and has no capacity to see and honor their needs. And if you divorce her, it will get ugly.
Sorry I don't have better news. I could be way off base but how you describe her fits neatly into the NPD framework. I hope for your sake I am wrong.