bachelor party

gettingmarried · 10-31-2008, 05:05 PM

Hi, I'm new to this forum and I am in desperate need of advice.

My boyfriend and I are getting married soon and of course he insists on having a bachelor party with strippers. I know that this is tradition and it will be his last night and all that, but to be completely honest I can't handle the idea of him going to a stripclub or getting strippers anywhere else. I've tried to tell myself that he's only going to be looking but it still makes me really upset. Yesterday his best friend was talking to me about it and I just started crying right away. I just think it's wrong for any man, single or married, to be paying to see girls dance naked for them, and the thought of my boyfriend doing this the night before our wedding kills me.

Do you think I am being too sensitive? Is it reasonable for me to ask him to not have stripppers? I'm young and I really have no idea how to handle this situation. Any advice would be helpful.

Thank you :]

draconis · 10-31-2008, 05:10 PM

It is all a matter of opinion though. Do I think it is a big deal? NO but I am not the one that matters you are. If it is that big of a deal than tell him it is a deal breaker for you.

draconis

gettingmarried · 10-31-2008, 05:17 PM

It is a big deal for me and I know that if he does it, it's going to be on my mind the day of the wedding and probably for a while after.

...but I wouldn't be being honest if I told him it was a dealbreaker. There are very few things that would stop me from marrying him.

draconis · 10-31-2008, 05:19 PM

Than tell him that

"I feel that it will effect our soon to be marriage if that choice is made, and frankly I don't know how I will handle it."

draconis

gettingmarried · 10-31-2008, 05:25 PM

I tried talking to him about it recently, and he got mad right away and just said "fine, i won't do it." But he didn't want to talk about it anymore after that and I know he didn't mean it because the next day it was brought up again.

How can I bring it up without him getting angry or feeling like I'm trying to control him?

*Aceso* · 10-31-2008, 05:32 PM

I really don't understand why is it such a big deal. You know that you are not the only woman on this planet, right? He will from time to time look at other women, be it strippers, woman on a street, co-worker......and it's normal. As long as it's "looking and not touching" it's ok.
Tell him you have a problem with it but don't try to stop him from having a night out with guys. It will just come back to bite you in the ass. Years down the road when you are arguing over something stupid he will throw it in your face. At least if you let him have BP YOU can be the one doing the "throwing" in the face thing.

But seriously, it's really not a big deal. Just get over it and don't let one night stand in your way of happiness.

draconis · 10-31-2008, 06:09 PM

Look at what I said. By saying "I" instead of you it takes him off of the offensive. It allows him to hear what it is causing inside instead of blaming.

draconis

Tawny Somers · 10-31-2008, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gettingmarried

I tried talking to him about it recently, and he got mad right away and just said "fine, i won't do it." But he didn't want to talk about it anymore after that and I know he didn't mean it because the next day it was brought up again.

How can I bring it up without him getting angry or feeling like I'm trying to control him?

I don't blame you for not wanting your fiance having nude women dancing for him. I don't care if it's a tradition or not, I would not be comfortable with that, either, because it's wrong, in my opinion.

The problem here that I see, is two-fold:

1. Are you sure that you share the same values??? You need to know - BEFORE you are married.

2. A HUGE part of marriage is being able to resolve problems and come to a good resolution....I don't see that here. Your boyfriend doesn't really listen, and doesn't seem to truly care about your feelings, and shuts down and won't discuss things.

I think you need to make sure this marriage is going to be solid. Your fiance sounds a bit immature, IMHO.

Also, does he have "control issues?" In other words, any time you speak up for yourself, is he going to claim that you're "trying to control him?"

Lots of red flags!

gettingmarried · 10-31-2008, 06:50 PM

Usually we can resolve problems well and we can both compromise but part of the problem is that he can be very immature like you said [although we are both very young], and I think he does have some control issues. I can speak up for myself but when it comes to him wanting to do something that I don't want him to, he immediately gets angry.

But another part of the problem is that I know that our culture plays a huge role in the way that he acts and I've always known that in our relationship more often than not I will have to be the one to "give in." And at the same time I am very confused because I was brought up the same way he was but obviously being raised here I learned about how marriage is here and both ways seem right.

dcrim · 10-31-2008, 07:04 PM

Ok, a BP is traditionally the last chance a guy has to "sow his wild oats". Hopefully he won't actually do that!

If you have ANY IDEA that he has done so, then DO NOT give yourself to him (even on your wedding night, if you go ahead with it - if he forces you, then that's RAPE!) until he's proven medically healthy! You could live to regret that. Or not.

If he has control issues, then you both NEED to resolve these BEFORE you get married. They won't go away (with a ring)!

If you find that you're "giving in", then STOP DOING THAT!! Stand up for yourself. Call off the wedding, if you have to (that'll wake him up, I guarantee it)!. DO NOT let him get his way. Period. It isn't right.

Marriage is a partnership! Not a dominant/submissive relationship (although those exist, to be sure).

Personally, I find your reaction puzzling (simply from the male perspective - but my GF knows me very well and trusts me to not do anything stupid - which I wouldn't; he.l, I'd be happy with free beer on my BP night

), but I do understand that (various) things make you uncomfortable. If he won't respect that, then it begs the question of what else he won't respect (as long as he always gets HIS way).

I hate to suggest a spy at the BP, but that's an option. Bottom line, if you aren't comfortable, then DON'T do anything afterwards! Your life does not depend on being a "wife". Nor does his on being a "husband" (poorly though he may enter it).

*Aceso* · 10-31-2008, 07:11 PM

Spying is a bad idea. If you can't trust him to do the right thing then you shouldn't marry him at all.

dcrim · 10-31-2008, 07:19 PM

It's not a bad idea if it confirms what you already suspect.

gettingmarried · 10-31-2008, 07:28 PM

Dcrim, what is it exactly that is puzzling you?

And I think that this "dominant/submissive" relationship is more or less how it is going to be and I am ok with that. My only issue would be if he cheated on me but at this point I am certain that he will not do that.

I hadn't considered spying because I DO trust him. I am sure that he wouldn't cheat on me. I am just not ok with strippers, this is something that in my opinion, is just wrong.

*Aceso* · 10-31-2008, 08:59 PM

If you know he isn't going to cheat why do you have a problem with strippers? Is it the thought of him maybe "wanting" those girls?

gettingmarried · 10-31-2008, 09:10 PM

I was trying to say that actually but for some reason I couldn't put that into words, but now that you say that, yes that is a big part of it.