So I will give a Quick rundown. I met my husband when I was doing runway modeling. We met online, I was in a band as was he and that’s how we hit it off. I’m 26 right now and he is 32.
We had problems with him lying a lot, talking to women online and a porn addiction early in our relationship. It caused a lot of emotional distress but I believe was handled properly. We would talk, there would be tears, and he would hold me & apologize and after a lot of work on his part it all was fixed. He was ok. Years later we were engaged and went to pre martial counseling with our pastor for some time before the wedding.
Shortly after the marriage, he wanted nothing to do with me. Affection dropped off and sex was almost nonexistent. I believe it was a “Madonna ***** complex” but wasn’t sure. We started to get into arguments about it and they were handled the same calm manner previous early relationship fights had been handled. We would have in depth conversations about our believes and relationship all the time and it was emotionally great, just missing the physical attention I needed. The summer after we were married, 7 months in, we ran into a girl who claimed to of had his baby 4 years prior (making it right when we met) this caused problems, so much so I wanted to leave. When that was said he suddenly got very sick and admitted to the hospital. Nobody knew why his kidneys and organs where failing until I found “how much antifreeze do you have to drink to kill yourself” on his cell phone history. He was on hemodialysis for months but made a full recovery. Nothing has been the same since. He has grown violent and hateful towards me and the affection dropped more along with the emotional side. He doesn’t cry even with death in his family, he seems to be dead to everything emotionally. We went to MC last yr. for 6 months before he refused to go anymore. We just started again last week with someone new. I have tried everything from ignoring him, doing things for him, being hateful and angry back to begging him and NOTHING HELPS!! I have no idea what to do and I’m paying hundreds a month for this and he keeps promising he will try and work with this but he just screams at me and if I shed a tear he screams more. I don’t understand. What happened to the guy I fell in love with?
I want to leave but don’t believe in divorce, I started getting “stress induced” partial seizers 9 months ago and stopped driving and on top of it all we own a business together so it makes it extremely difficult for me to escape. He doesn’t care that our child hears and sees all of this and sometimes drags him in. I don’t know what to do! Do I grit my teeth and keep paying for the counseling & hope for the best? He swears things will be better and has been for over a year… and it used to be ok for a week or so then he would slip again, now its daily. He swears he will give counseling a try… but I would think he would start by controlling himself now. Even last night I was crying and he rolled over in bed and told me to shut the F up he was tired and didn’t want to hear it so I told him I can’t take this anymore and slept in my study. Even today he’s flared up on me 3 times and I don’t know if it’s even worth it. Any advice?
Your husband has his own issues. Marriage is a bad place to fix issues and often just complicates them.
Your husband should have found a better way to cope than trying to kill himself.
Is he in individual counseling. He needs solo help. Until that is fixed, its not really possible to have a healthy marriage. There isn't anything you can do besides support him, give him space, and wait for him to sort his own mess out.
I would find the number of a woman's shelter, line up a friend to stay with if needed, or be ready to separate.
Your husband needs help.
He probably has either depression, bipolar, insane stress, or something else.
I have went away for periods of time, but like I said, its extremly diffuicult. He went to theropy on his own for a year after and then switched to a new theropist after feeling she was not helping. He felt the same with the new one and quit for good. Seperation is almost unrealstic with him unless it is for good. I dont believe he would try suicide again, not after what he experianced, but somewhere in my mind I am afraid if I leave, even temp, he will do something dumb. He didnt have these issues before marriage otherwise I would not have signed up. lol.
Just to add something, I have a history of anxiety and depression.
There really is close to nothing a spouse or parent can do about mental issues. Your husband needs to recognize his issues and cope with them in a way that doesn't affect you negatively until they are somewhat better.
The emotions inside of him are going to be too much for him to handle. It leak out in bad ways. I'm serious that if I were going though issues, minimizing contact and living in another room and seeing my wife for less than ten minutes as day would be the best option.
Thank you for your reply. I am surprised it has helped me to clear my head a bit. I have basically brought myself to the conclusion tonight that I need to move into the spare bedroom and not go to work with him unless I have to oversee an employee and move my office down the hall.
If I have to go back to ignoring him again, so be it. My biggest fear is, if I do this, it will just become routine to him. He already doesn’t pay attention to me unless it’s negative, so if I play the ignore card he will probably be happy & just be glad he’s not being nagged at to try anymore. I guess it is just a chance I have to take. It is very hard to watch the person you love transform like this and be so hateful and uncaring. Hopefully he still loves me and will try. I think I will have to see someone myself just to cope.
He has no prior abuse or any sort of negitive history. I dont understand why it never helped. I almost think he may need a medical doctor. Maybe hormonal?
At least insomnia gives me time to post lol. I hate sleep and it hates me back.
I was going to suggest moving into another room. A few tips, and these come from serious experience with mental health issues.
-you need to minimize contact but still show love. Google love languages and do the quizzes and have your husband do them too. Try to fulfil those and tell him directly that you are doing whatever action specifically because you love him. An example (if he is quality time and physical touch)would be spend time watching his favorite tv show and give him a back rub but insist that there can be no talking if that's an issue.
-tough love with clear and enforced boundaries. You need to follow through too. If something gets mad or annoyed or anything but loving, stop the conversation and say you love him and want to talk about it in counseling, but are unwilling to talk about it now and leave the room.
-loneliness and space and time are the most powerful motivating forces I've ever encountered. He will be driven to fix his issues, but only after sitting alone with his thoughts for hours. When you are around he can blame his unhappiness on you.
-I would suggest snuggling with him for 5-10 minutes in bed and then sleep in the other room. Again, enforce no talking if its an issue. It will be time he will deeply cherish and look forward to every night.
the closer you stick to those the better.
It would be ideal if the only time you saw him was a few minutes to cuddle.
Be creative and figure out what works and what doesn't. Cut out anything that doesn't. Show him love and tell him directly. Minimize contact. Make the short amount of time you do spent together something to cherish and look forward to.
Finally, find your faith again if it hasn't been a priority. Read sacred marriage if you are religiously inclined.
I'm not sure hormonal makes sense. Does he still have a sex drive? Does he have hobbies that he enjoys? Unless he has a diagnosis, a medical doctor won't be able to help. Men really work off one hormone - testosterone. If he still has a sex drive and isn't so high on testosterone that he is punching holes in walls, he is probably normal that way.
The porn addiction and not telling the truth aren't good signs. Also, not dealing with the death is bad too. was he just looking at porn or was it a full blown 3-5 hour a day addiciton?
Finally, there are going to be marriage issues and communication to fix, but the anger and whatever else needs to be under control first.
The goal in your actions needs to be to give him hours alone to deal with his emotions by himself, get him lonely and wanting to spend time and repair things with you, and creating short good times he will cherish every day. Also very clear boundaries and consequences. If he gets mad, don't snuggled with him that night. Tough love.